PoorSystem
New member
I... honestly don't know what I am. I guess the best label right now would be poly-curious since I have yet to test the waters with a poly relationship as of yet because... well, I am scared about what I will find out. I mean... I guess some background here might be helpful.
Okay, to start off I've always considered myself both very lucky, and a little weird. I mean, before this life-changing thing that is now hanging over my head, I was always a big ol' nerd. Anime? Check. Video Games? Check? Writing stupid Fanfiction to pass the time? Check. You know, normal nerd stuff alongside my passion for languages and my obsession with soft drinks. I also lack a few social graces due to a combination of my Homeschool lifestyle and my own self-imposed isolation (shout out to my Mom, because she taught me all I know and I tested into college thanks to her). That was okay though, because college is the time when everyone finds themselves anyway, right?
Outside of those outstanding features (which really aren't all that uncommon anyway), I was a mostly normal guy, you know? Straight (though I am starting to question that too due to this bombshell, so possibly repressed bi), White, Smart, somewhat okay looking, glasses, lower-middle-class then later just middle class family, 2 parents who loved me, a sister who hated me for a while, and recently I had started dating in earnest. So, I had a normal if advantaged start in life.
My first introduction to anything poly was the HBO show, Big Love, though I haven't watched it. I just knew the premise of this guy marrying 3(?) women. I thought to myself at the time, "Huh, that's weird but good for him I guess." Admittedly, 13-year-old-me was not the most profound thinker in the world.
I guess, now that I think back on it, my... curiosity? I guess, spans before this afternoon. I mean, its hard not to encounter the concept at some point in your life, even if it is used as a poor joke or something. When I watched movies with people, when they groaned about yet another love triangle, I would joke that they should both get together. Thinking back on it, maybe that was this... whatever this is, under the surface?
It wasn't until recently that I really started to investigate polyamory for real. At first, it was just idle curiosity you know? I researched all sorts of lifestyles, things like MGTOW (not my style, I think that it's a flawed idea, but who am I to judge?) Far Right and Left politics, and other groups like that. It was to broaden my horizons to become a better person. Then I came across this story about a poly couple, an all-male triad, and how they were having a doubly hard time because they were all together and all men.
I thought to myself, "People can do that? I thought Polygamy was the only thing like that." So, I explored polyamory as a thought experiment. I was dating my best friend at the time, but I thought nothing of it. I explored the sites, read the articles, sympathized with some of the stories of therapists treating polyamory as some sort of mental illness instead of a trait. In the end, I firmly declared myself (in the comforts of my mind) as a poly-friendly person. They could do them, as far as I was concerned.
Shortly after this is when the confusion started. I was dating my best friend long distance, she lives in Montana and me in Texas, and I started crushing on another girl. Let's call her.... Sam, I guess. So, I just figured I couldn't do long distance if I was crushing on another girl, the concept of me being poly far from my mind. So, like a good person should, I dropped the hints and we broke up while still remaining fast friends, both of us deciding that it was fun while it lasted.
I perused Sam in my own half-assed way, not having much relationship experience under my belt but eager to make friends anyway. I figure if I start by being someone's friend, I can't really lose even if they aren't into me that way, right? So I and Sam became friends. Then one day Sam talked to one girl... I guess Lauren is a safe name, started talking to Lauren and got her number right away. We joked about it, me calling Sam a womanizer, Sam telling me I'm just jealous of her 'moves'. Not an incorrect assessment either.
Eventually, Me Sam and Lauren became the close friends. We talked for an hour before our class started just shooting the breeze and whatnot. It was great, just the three of us being close like that. This was a year before today, but really I think deep down I knew based on this friendship.
We did typical friend things. We talked, hung out, talked about hypothetical movie scripts (I was the comedy guy, Sam did the drama, and Lauren helped us mesh it all together.) Then there were the days like the first time we went to the beach where the two would tease me relentlessly. They offered to kiss, and Sam just changed her clothes in front of me (she was crushing on me as well at the time, and this was her way of showing it. This also took place in her house), but my gentlemanly instincts told me to not make a show of enjoying it. Which was hell on Sam's ego, but I have apologized since then.
Now, I was not attracted to Lauren romantically. She was a good friend, and yes she was attractive, but for the most part, she was more a sister figure to me. I wouldn't have said no if she wanted a romantic relationship with me, but I was not attempting to pursue one with her if that makes sense? But... I liked the idea of Lauren and Sam getting together. At one point my Humanities teacher called Sam and Lauren my 'Harem' since she noticed my preference to hang out with only girls. I don't like guys my age for the most part, so I tend to have more female friends. I laughed at that and told Sam and Lauren. I then joked that we were Sam's harem more than anything since she approached both of us.
Long story short, this friendship lasted six months then it all fell apart.
I and Sam started dating in that time but broke up shortly thereafter. Lauren left both of us and started dating a... well a bad guy. Not abusive or anything, but not a high quality of man, you know?
Ever since then I've felt kinda.. odd you know? Now, maybe I am just missing that friendship and am projecting my want for that or something but... no other friendships have ever really felt the same since. They feel hollow in comparison. I feel like a junkie chasing the dragon, desperate to feel the same way I did back then.
Which leads me to today. I browsed around Poly sites for fun, just to see a new and fresh perspective on stuff. I thought about being in a poly relationship before during the year-long period between now and then, but mostly as a joke or thought experiment. I have done the same with being MGTOW or other lifestyles outside the norm. Most came up as empty or mildly amusing. But, Poly kinda... speaks to me in a way that scares the life out of me.
I mean, it's not just wanting a sexual relationship with two women at once. I do not have a lot of interest in sex period, let alone something as wild as a threesome. But when I thought of the romantic aspect of it... the idea of my significant other having someone else felt... good. Like, if she liked me romanticly too that would be nice but the idea of sharing my life with two instead of one is... I don't know how to describe it.
It weirded me out how much the idea appealed to me.
I passed it off as a passing thing, some weird thing that happened and would end. It happens to me from time to time.
It has been three weeks, and the thought hasn't faded.
It scares me. I've been 'normal' for most of my life. I haven't had to deal with things like judgment because all my wants have been 'in the norm'. That's not even the worst part. Now I am filled with these questions. The judgment I can handle, but the questions haunt me now. Am I really poly or just a selfish person? How the hell am I going to manage my time so I can explore this side of myself while keeping up with my life? How am I going to explore this side of me? What do I do if I hurt people with this, both poly and mono? What will my parents think?
I don't know what will happen next, but I had to say something to someone.
Okay, to start off I've always considered myself both very lucky, and a little weird. I mean, before this life-changing thing that is now hanging over my head, I was always a big ol' nerd. Anime? Check. Video Games? Check? Writing stupid Fanfiction to pass the time? Check. You know, normal nerd stuff alongside my passion for languages and my obsession with soft drinks. I also lack a few social graces due to a combination of my Homeschool lifestyle and my own self-imposed isolation (shout out to my Mom, because she taught me all I know and I tested into college thanks to her). That was okay though, because college is the time when everyone finds themselves anyway, right?
Outside of those outstanding features (which really aren't all that uncommon anyway), I was a mostly normal guy, you know? Straight (though I am starting to question that too due to this bombshell, so possibly repressed bi), White, Smart, somewhat okay looking, glasses, lower-middle-class then later just middle class family, 2 parents who loved me, a sister who hated me for a while, and recently I had started dating in earnest. So, I had a normal if advantaged start in life.
My first introduction to anything poly was the HBO show, Big Love, though I haven't watched it. I just knew the premise of this guy marrying 3(?) women. I thought to myself at the time, "Huh, that's weird but good for him I guess." Admittedly, 13-year-old-me was not the most profound thinker in the world.
I guess, now that I think back on it, my... curiosity? I guess, spans before this afternoon. I mean, its hard not to encounter the concept at some point in your life, even if it is used as a poor joke or something. When I watched movies with people, when they groaned about yet another love triangle, I would joke that they should both get together. Thinking back on it, maybe that was this... whatever this is, under the surface?
It wasn't until recently that I really started to investigate polyamory for real. At first, it was just idle curiosity you know? I researched all sorts of lifestyles, things like MGTOW (not my style, I think that it's a flawed idea, but who am I to judge?) Far Right and Left politics, and other groups like that. It was to broaden my horizons to become a better person. Then I came across this story about a poly couple, an all-male triad, and how they were having a doubly hard time because they were all together and all men.
I thought to myself, "People can do that? I thought Polygamy was the only thing like that." So, I explored polyamory as a thought experiment. I was dating my best friend at the time, but I thought nothing of it. I explored the sites, read the articles, sympathized with some of the stories of therapists treating polyamory as some sort of mental illness instead of a trait. In the end, I firmly declared myself (in the comforts of my mind) as a poly-friendly person. They could do them, as far as I was concerned.
Shortly after this is when the confusion started. I was dating my best friend long distance, she lives in Montana and me in Texas, and I started crushing on another girl. Let's call her.... Sam, I guess. So, I just figured I couldn't do long distance if I was crushing on another girl, the concept of me being poly far from my mind. So, like a good person should, I dropped the hints and we broke up while still remaining fast friends, both of us deciding that it was fun while it lasted.
I perused Sam in my own half-assed way, not having much relationship experience under my belt but eager to make friends anyway. I figure if I start by being someone's friend, I can't really lose even if they aren't into me that way, right? So I and Sam became friends. Then one day Sam talked to one girl... I guess Lauren is a safe name, started talking to Lauren and got her number right away. We joked about it, me calling Sam a womanizer, Sam telling me I'm just jealous of her 'moves'. Not an incorrect assessment either.
Eventually, Me Sam and Lauren became the close friends. We talked for an hour before our class started just shooting the breeze and whatnot. It was great, just the three of us being close like that. This was a year before today, but really I think deep down I knew based on this friendship.
We did typical friend things. We talked, hung out, talked about hypothetical movie scripts (I was the comedy guy, Sam did the drama, and Lauren helped us mesh it all together.) Then there were the days like the first time we went to the beach where the two would tease me relentlessly. They offered to kiss, and Sam just changed her clothes in front of me (she was crushing on me as well at the time, and this was her way of showing it. This also took place in her house), but my gentlemanly instincts told me to not make a show of enjoying it. Which was hell on Sam's ego, but I have apologized since then.
Now, I was not attracted to Lauren romantically. She was a good friend, and yes she was attractive, but for the most part, she was more a sister figure to me. I wouldn't have said no if she wanted a romantic relationship with me, but I was not attempting to pursue one with her if that makes sense? But... I liked the idea of Lauren and Sam getting together. At one point my Humanities teacher called Sam and Lauren my 'Harem' since she noticed my preference to hang out with only girls. I don't like guys my age for the most part, so I tend to have more female friends. I laughed at that and told Sam and Lauren. I then joked that we were Sam's harem more than anything since she approached both of us.
Long story short, this friendship lasted six months then it all fell apart.
I and Sam started dating in that time but broke up shortly thereafter. Lauren left both of us and started dating a... well a bad guy. Not abusive or anything, but not a high quality of man, you know?
Ever since then I've felt kinda.. odd you know? Now, maybe I am just missing that friendship and am projecting my want for that or something but... no other friendships have ever really felt the same since. They feel hollow in comparison. I feel like a junkie chasing the dragon, desperate to feel the same way I did back then.
Which leads me to today. I browsed around Poly sites for fun, just to see a new and fresh perspective on stuff. I thought about being in a poly relationship before during the year-long period between now and then, but mostly as a joke or thought experiment. I have done the same with being MGTOW or other lifestyles outside the norm. Most came up as empty or mildly amusing. But, Poly kinda... speaks to me in a way that scares the life out of me.
I mean, it's not just wanting a sexual relationship with two women at once. I do not have a lot of interest in sex period, let alone something as wild as a threesome. But when I thought of the romantic aspect of it... the idea of my significant other having someone else felt... good. Like, if she liked me romanticly too that would be nice but the idea of sharing my life with two instead of one is... I don't know how to describe it.
It weirded me out how much the idea appealed to me.
I passed it off as a passing thing, some weird thing that happened and would end. It happens to me from time to time.
It has been three weeks, and the thought hasn't faded.
It scares me. I've been 'normal' for most of my life. I haven't had to deal with things like judgment because all my wants have been 'in the norm'. That's not even the worst part. Now I am filled with these questions. The judgment I can handle, but the questions haunt me now. Am I really poly or just a selfish person? How the hell am I going to manage my time so I can explore this side of myself while keeping up with my life? How am I going to explore this side of me? What do I do if I hurt people with this, both poly and mono? What will my parents think?
I don't know what will happen next, but I had to say something to someone.