Poly-curious and scared about it.

PoorSystem

New member
I... honestly don't know what I am. I guess the best label right now would be poly-curious since I have yet to test the waters with a poly relationship as of yet because... well, I am scared about what I will find out. I mean... I guess some background here might be helpful.

Okay, to start off I've always considered myself both very lucky, and a little weird. I mean, before this life-changing thing that is now hanging over my head, I was always a big ol' nerd. Anime? Check. Video Games? Check? Writing stupid Fanfiction to pass the time? Check. You know, normal nerd stuff alongside my passion for languages and my obsession with soft drinks. I also lack a few social graces due to a combination of my Homeschool lifestyle and my own self-imposed isolation (shout out to my Mom, because she taught me all I know and I tested into college thanks to her). That was okay though, because college is the time when everyone finds themselves anyway, right?

Outside of those outstanding features (which really aren't all that uncommon anyway), I was a mostly normal guy, you know? Straight (though I am starting to question that too due to this bombshell, so possibly repressed bi), White, Smart, somewhat okay looking, glasses, lower-middle-class then later just middle class family, 2 parents who loved me, a sister who hated me for a while, and recently I had started dating in earnest. So, I had a normal if advantaged start in life.

My first introduction to anything poly was the HBO show, Big Love, though I haven't watched it. I just knew the premise of this guy marrying 3(?) women. I thought to myself at the time, "Huh, that's weird but good for him I guess." Admittedly, 13-year-old-me was not the most profound thinker in the world.

I guess, now that I think back on it, my... curiosity? I guess, spans before this afternoon. I mean, its hard not to encounter the concept at some point in your life, even if it is used as a poor joke or something. When I watched movies with people, when they groaned about yet another love triangle, I would joke that they should both get together. Thinking back on it, maybe that was this... whatever this is, under the surface?

It wasn't until recently that I really started to investigate polyamory for real. At first, it was just idle curiosity you know? I researched all sorts of lifestyles, things like MGTOW (not my style, I think that it's a flawed idea, but who am I to judge?) Far Right and Left politics, and other groups like that. It was to broaden my horizons to become a better person. Then I came across this story about a poly couple, an all-male triad, and how they were having a doubly hard time because they were all together and all men.

I thought to myself, "People can do that? I thought Polygamy was the only thing like that." So, I explored polyamory as a thought experiment. I was dating my best friend at the time, but I thought nothing of it. I explored the sites, read the articles, sympathized with some of the stories of therapists treating polyamory as some sort of mental illness instead of a trait. In the end, I firmly declared myself (in the comforts of my mind) as a poly-friendly person. They could do them, as far as I was concerned.

Shortly after this is when the confusion started. I was dating my best friend long distance, she lives in Montana and me in Texas, and I started crushing on another girl. Let's call her.... Sam, I guess. So, I just figured I couldn't do long distance if I was crushing on another girl, the concept of me being poly far from my mind. So, like a good person should, I dropped the hints and we broke up while still remaining fast friends, both of us deciding that it was fun while it lasted.

I perused Sam in my own half-assed way, not having much relationship experience under my belt but eager to make friends anyway. I figure if I start by being someone's friend, I can't really lose even if they aren't into me that way, right? So I and Sam became friends. Then one day Sam talked to one girl... I guess Lauren is a safe name, started talking to Lauren and got her number right away. We joked about it, me calling Sam a womanizer, Sam telling me I'm just jealous of her 'moves'. Not an incorrect assessment either.

Eventually, Me Sam and Lauren became the close friends. We talked for an hour before our class started just shooting the breeze and whatnot. It was great, just the three of us being close like that. This was a year before today, but really I think deep down I knew based on this friendship.

We did typical friend things. We talked, hung out, talked about hypothetical movie scripts (I was the comedy guy, Sam did the drama, and Lauren helped us mesh it all together.) Then there were the days like the first time we went to the beach where the two would tease me relentlessly. They offered to kiss, and Sam just changed her clothes in front of me (she was crushing on me as well at the time, and this was her way of showing it. This also took place in her house), but my gentlemanly instincts told me to not make a show of enjoying it. Which was hell on Sam's ego, but I have apologized since then.

Now, I was not attracted to Lauren romantically. She was a good friend, and yes she was attractive, but for the most part, she was more a sister figure to me. I wouldn't have said no if she wanted a romantic relationship with me, but I was not attempting to pursue one with her if that makes sense? But... I liked the idea of Lauren and Sam getting together. At one point my Humanities teacher called Sam and Lauren my 'Harem' since she noticed my preference to hang out with only girls. I don't like guys my age for the most part, so I tend to have more female friends. I laughed at that and told Sam and Lauren. I then joked that we were Sam's harem more than anything since she approached both of us.

Long story short, this friendship lasted six months then it all fell apart.

I and Sam started dating in that time but broke up shortly thereafter. Lauren left both of us and started dating a... well a bad guy. Not abusive or anything, but not a high quality of man, you know?

Ever since then I've felt kinda.. odd you know? Now, maybe I am just missing that friendship and am projecting my want for that or something but... no other friendships have ever really felt the same since. They feel hollow in comparison. I feel like a junkie chasing the dragon, desperate to feel the same way I did back then.

Which leads me to today. I browsed around Poly sites for fun, just to see a new and fresh perspective on stuff. I thought about being in a poly relationship before during the year-long period between now and then, but mostly as a joke or thought experiment. I have done the same with being MGTOW or other lifestyles outside the norm. Most came up as empty or mildly amusing. But, Poly kinda... speaks to me in a way that scares the life out of me.

I mean, it's not just wanting a sexual relationship with two women at once. I do not have a lot of interest in sex period, let alone something as wild as a threesome. But when I thought of the romantic aspect of it... the idea of my significant other having someone else felt... good. Like, if she liked me romanticly too that would be nice but the idea of sharing my life with two instead of one is... I don't know how to describe it.

It weirded me out how much the idea appealed to me.

I passed it off as a passing thing, some weird thing that happened and would end. It happens to me from time to time.

It has been three weeks, and the thought hasn't faded.

It scares me. I've been 'normal' for most of my life. I haven't had to deal with things like judgment because all my wants have been 'in the norm'. That's not even the worst part. Now I am filled with these questions. The judgment I can handle, but the questions haunt me now. Am I really poly or just a selfish person? How the hell am I going to manage my time so I can explore this side of myself while keeping up with my life? How am I going to explore this side of me? What do I do if I hurt people with this, both poly and mono? What will my parents think?

I don't know what will happen next, but I had to say something to someone.
 
Hey, PoorSystem, welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your journey of discovery here, I really enjoyed reading along. Some of the fears you mention are poly-specific... like doing something outside the mainstream, and having to be good at time management... but risking a broken heart, on anyone’s part? Well, that’s just the risk of having intimate relationships of any style. And it’s always scary. And, in my opinion, so very worth the risk. :)

Best of luck to you... and especially, I hope you’re able to recapture the feeling you got from being close with your two gal pals.
 
I'm worried about a lot of things here, not just those few Sunray. I figured it might take up a full post just to write down all my insecurities and worries, and honestly I feel like I would be retreading ground people in worse positions than me have been in. I'm not sure how to handle things like this at all, my life has been pretty easy up till now. More than anything though, I'm worried about how this will impact my relationships, both romantic and the one with my family.

Pretty much all the people in my family aren't just mono, but happily so. My parents, my grandfather (my grandma has passed away recently), and my sister. My mom's side of the family is more prone to divorce, but most of those are either dead or miles away. The only people in my family that I am close to are living that 'one true love' experience quite happily. If this is who I am, which I am not even sure about at this point, how the hell am I going to explain it to them? I mean, I once mentioned poly and... well, my parents and I are very much liberals, pro marriage equality, anti-racism, and all that but... when I just said I was researching poly because I found it interesting my Dad said, "You hate the idea of being normal," or something like that. The exact wording is lost to me, but that was the general point. At the time, that was mildly hurtful but now that I am seriously thinking about this... I mean, I don't think that they will disown me or anything (unless I was an abusive partner, which is horrifying enough to pierce the family bias), but what if they try to discourage me? Or treat my relationships as not 'serious'? I know for sure that my sister is a lost cause as far is that concerned. The girl lectures me for biting my nails or talking when I watch T.V or any other abnormality. Me being Poly? Forget about it. She would get mad at me, call me a selfish prick, and even if she didn't then anyone I get into a relationship will certainly be scrutinized.

I know I shouldn't be as worried as I am. I know that other people on this forum have had to deal with this or worse to have a relationship that truly suited them, and here I am whining that I might be poly.

But it scares me.

No matter how I try to banish it, the fear remains.

The fear of hurting someone more than anything is what worries me the most. I'm not really that important as far as that goes, I have a good life and soon will have a good job and the best friend anyone could ask for in the world (more on that later), but if I hurt someone else? That kills me inside. I've always been that way, you know? I worry about others pain more than mine, because I know I can get over it eventually.

I really should stop whining. Honestly, I could do this all day if I let myself. I've never been like this before, you know? A big bundle of nerves worrying about a million different things. I guess I've never questioned a core part of myself either.

So, the short list of the things I am most worried about right now are:
  1. Worrying about hurting both poly and mono girls while I discover myself
  2. Worrying that if I am poly, how am I going to explain the concept of polyamory to monogamists and true love having parents in a way that doesn't make me sound like a horny teenager who is afraid of commitment
  3. How am I going to deal with my judgy ass sister through all of this

Yeah, minor stuff like that.

Still, there is a bright spot in all of this.

Shortly after my first post, I called my best friend. I drug out the acctual confession, explaining the circumstances of our breakup on my end a bit more. I had never told her that I started crushing on Sam before we ended things. Then I told her about how this keeps happening to me. I will be in a perfectly happy relationship with a wonderful girl, but at the same time pine for someone else. It wasn't like I felt trapped, or anything like that. It's more like I... I guess its like if everyone else in the world had one slot, then I had two. Well, that's how I started the exploitation to her anyway, you all know what I am talking about. Eventually, near tears mind you, I explained that I think that I am poly and I am sorry for wasting her time. I tend to get self-recriminating when I am stressed.

The great part is, she didn't hate me for it. She asked if I ever cheated on anyone, I said no (though I have been the other person before, unwittingly) and she just said that it might be hormones or something, but I should explore it to see. Obviously, not the ideal thing to say but it was so understanding all the same. She couldn't understand it, she thinks it might be a phase, but she also knew that it might not be and that I should try it out to see if what I am feeling is real.

Honestly, if she weren't a thousand miles away I would've kissed her.

So yeah, that is some more of my worries and stuff. I guess I can treat this like a blog and update y'all on my thoughts and worries, and any progress I make towards self discovery. I can't imagine it will be very interesting, considering that all of you have been through worse but... it might help somebody. I guess that makes this worth it, even if it is weird to think about.

Replys:
Hey, PoorSystem, welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your journey of discovery here, I really enjoyed reading along. Some of the fears you mention are poly-specific... like doing something outside the mainstream, and having to be good at time management... but risking a broken heart, on anyone’s part? Well, that’s just the risk of having intimate relationships of any style. And it’s always scary. And, in my opinion, so very worth the risk. :)

Best of luck to you... and especially, I hope you’re able to recapture the feeling you got from being close with your two gal pals.

God I hope so too. I miss them, but one of them went away from us and it was just to painful to stay with Sam. Plus, we got into a lot of fights and such afterward. I think that on some level, we only worked when we were all together. Like a house missing a key beam you know? Without one, the rest of us just... fell apart.

I really hope I get what I had with them back with someone else. Not exactly the same, as they were in a way both my first and also because people are not identical, but something along those lines.

Thank you for the support, it makes things a little easier to know that I am not crazy and that there are real humans out there who are doing what I think I want to do.
 
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10/17/17 Thoughts

I guess I'll make this a thing now. I mean, now that I am admitting to myself that this might be a part of me, I really need a place to put my thoughts away from judgmental eyes, you know? A place where more experienced people can put in their cents about it, maybe give some advice like Sunray did.

So, I guess this is my new love life blog. God help me.

So, today wasn't anything really special. After a long conversation with my best friend (I'll call her Runa, as it is an inside joke), who I sort of still have feelings for, not that I think she is ever going to be ready for a... poly lifestyle, god that feels weird and right at the same time to write out.

My parents were passive aggressive about my chores, but that is their norm. I don't think I will tell them for a long while, not until I am sure one way or the other at least. No need to bring that stress upon myself until I'm sure. I know, not exactly the courageous move but I am still scared about all of this. It is kinda an overwhelming thing for me. So, I guess I can just start talking about my love life and see what come of it.

Let see, I told Runa that I was poly-curious as of yesterday (technically, it took me till midnight to actually say the words out loud, so today I guess), making today Day 0 of this.

I tossed and turned all night thinking about it. Sometimes I was filled with this dread of hurting people around me, most likely my hetero-normative self getting slammed against a wall of new and... warm feelings. Then there was these moments when I lay there, thinking about life as poly. Time management, meeting new people, rejection, and all that and... it felt nice. Then I slept and had a dream for the first time in a while. Honestly, most of the dream is a messed up with alligators swimming through my floor, my house becoming an island in a void, and all sorts of weird things like that. Then comes the one part of the dream that was nice and I do remember. I woke up in the dream, and I was in a park. There was this non-descript girl there and the only real feature I can remember was that she was blond. But yeah, blond kissed me on the lips and I nearly woke up there, but it continued with her running off into the distance. She running to another guy, again a non-descript dude outside of the fact that he was taller than me. She kissed him on the cheek and they started talking. I remember vaguely another girl running towards them from behind me, but I can't remember what happened next.

Maybe my mind was just processing my identity crisis. Weirdly enough, thinking back on that dream feels nice. I'm still not sure if this is really a part of me or if I am just riding some really weird hormones that nobody ever told me about though. I do feel that if there were hormones that made people question monogamy, that would be talked about though.

Even now, just writing about and thinking about it gives me this warmth in my chest that I am not sure what to do with. I'm still worried about how people in my life would view this or if this is even a thing and if I am not just using it for some other reason. That would make me feel like crap, but until I actually experiment with it then I can't be sure.

Today was quite interesting. I am between my classes right now, using a public comp to post this, and my Art Survey class got interesting.

You see, I have a friend who I will call Paige in that class. We met this semester and we've hit it off in a friends sort of way. I mean, she's diffidently attractive and all, but I just don't really see her that way. She's in an LDR right now and has been for about a year now. He's Paige's highschool sweetheart but he now lives in Florida. He is a big ol' sweetheart though, saving up time and money to fly down for her senior prom and everything. She's eighteen now and in her first year of college. I'm 21 and in my third year, but I had yet to take my freshmen level class for Art because I hate art classes.

Still, she's a cool chick. She like to draw and play competitive Video games like League of Legends and all that. She also told me that she is bi but had a bad experience with her first boyfriend in highschool who made jokes about being able to have threesomes all the time because of that. (This was before my freakout, omg I might be poly, moment yesterday) but I told her that that was stupid. Being bi is not the same as being poly. She smiled and agreed with me. However, her current boyfriend Z is much better about that. I get the idea that maybe he teases her every once and a while about it though, but not in an overly sexual way.

Anywho, part of the reason that I came to this recent revelation is that I spent a good chuck of Monday looking up tips and tricks to make LDRs work better while also adding tips from my own (failed) LDR into a text document in the hopes that maybe one piece of advice there would help keep them together. They're a really cute couple as far as I can tell, and I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I made with Runa. I felt really good about myself afterwards, and that made me think about compersion. Which led me to think about my own sexuality and romantic preferences which then led towards my first post here.

Anyways, after my weird dream and my morning freakout about this, I went to class and offered her the list. She thanked me, but told me that she didn't need it. I told her that it would always be in my backpack with me if she ever felt like she needed it. So, now I am going to carry around a list of LDR tips with me until the end of my days, I guess. :p

I don't know, I think I might felt compersion then, but then again she's not my lover or even someone I am crushing on, so how?

Anyways, her BF Z gets a little jealous because of the whole long distance thing, though not much, and I don't really know flirting all that well so I made sure to stay completely non facing towards Paige and just read stuff on the forum (Vinsanity's blog to be precise), and her foot started bumping against my leg every now and then. I didn't make a comment about it, but in my mind I was freaking out. I hope that was just an absent minded thing that she did because she was busy reading rather than her hitting on me. Because I have been the other guy before, I am ashamed of it, and I never want to be in that position again. I highly doubt that either of them are poly too, considering his jealousy and her bad experience with threesome jokes.

I'm also planning on talking to Runa again tonight, just to keep myself sane now that all of this is a thing... She helps keep me calm.

Honestly, I am still wrestling with whether or not I want to try this. I mean, I could try to ignore it but... I know it is going to be here. The extra slot that for some reason I was born with.

Any advice on how I should handle this and how best to experiment with these feeling would be appreciated, because I lack any clues here.
 
Hi PoorSystem,

I am thinking it would be too soon to try poly ... You have some more processing you need to do about it first. Continue to read and write about poly, participate on this forum, and just allow yourself room to think and feel. Don't jump into it until you feel sure. Does that make sense?

I could be totally wrong, but these are my initial thoughts. Let's say you don't know if you're poly yet, but you know you are thinking about poly. So if it comes down to outing yourself, just say that you're thinking about it. Say you're poly only if you know you're poly. YKWIM?

To help you get a better idea of where you stand, I recommend Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. It's not too long of a read, and it's kind of a fun read, and it helps lay out the basics of poly and responses to common concerns. So, read it, and while you read, ask yourself, does this resonate with me and if it does, how strongly does it resonate? This will help you decide if you are (at heart) poly.

Hope that helps. Let me know of your ongoing thoughts, questions, fears, concerns, and situations as they arise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi PoorSystem!

I homeschooled (unschooled) my 3 kids so that caught my interest.

My ex h and I raised our kids to be open minded. So we had no trouble accepting our oldest daughter was lesbian, and her first partner (and second) were transgender females.

My ex and I also dabbled in polyamory back in 1999-2000. It didn't work, because I don't think he was poly. It was just him finding another woman who suited him better than I did. We got married super young (22 and 24) and we outgrew each other.

But our kids "knew" his lover back then was more than a friend... we didn't come out to the kids right away. Modern polyamory was so new then, there was only one how to book about it, The Ethical Slut.

So our oldest tried polyamory in her early 20s. She gave up on it for a while though, seeing as one relationship at at time is hard enough to handle in your late teens/early 20s. You're still getting to know yourself, and polish your communication skills.

I'm sorry that you feel your sister and parents wouldn't be understanding, despite having raised you in an alternative fashion (homeschooling).

I'm bisexual and I was never a good fit for monogamy, though I forced myself into the mold back in the late 70s since it seemed to offer so many societal benefits.

As for coming out... give it time. Try not to stress about it. Part of growing up is going your own path, not your parents' path. This will just be one of many things you do differently. You may not need to come out to them at all, ever. Or you may decide to come out at some point. Many people resist the idea at first, but if they love you, they come around. It often takes a year. It helps if eventually they meet both your partners and see that they are both people worthy of your love and their respect.

By the way, poly isn't really a lifestyle. More of a love style. And becoming more popular all the time.
 
Accepting myself, and being accepted.

Hope that helps. Let me know of your ongoing thoughts, questions, fears, concerns, and situations as they arise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

You absolutely right, I know I am not in a state to start experimenting with it. It certainly feels right in here, and a lot of thought blogs about polyfidelity feel like they ring true for me. Still, I will keep researching and experiencing life just to make sure.

Honestly, it's getting easier to accept about myself as time goes on. I spent a good amount of time just asking 'why' to myself, ya know? Most people on this board come to this lifestyle with a partner at their side to talk to them and get their consent and such. I, on the other hand, basically entered into a pseudo-poly relationship with Sam and Lauren, and now I feel empty with anything less. Why? Because I got used to giving love to more than one. Why? Because I loved the way it felt to pour affection on the both of them. Sam loved my massages, Lauren liked my cooking and I helped them both study for the class. Why? Because I felt affection for both of them, in equal yet different ways.

Lauren and me used to trade dirty talk, just to see who flinched first. She won most of the time, but I slowly got better at it. I got her once or twice and she was almost impressed. I think she just liked having a guy around to make her feel attractive, but I really don't care. I felt the way I did regardless. With Sam, things were more vanilla, hand holding, massages, going to her Temple (she was Jewish) once just to see what it was like. We both helped Lauren through a tough breakup, her crying her eyes out for hours and we just held her. That was the best and worst moment. I've never felt closer than that group hug we shared. Sam pet her hair while I squeezed her hand. I think that is the moment it happened, ya know. I feel bad that my new life has roots in Lauren's misery, yet I cannot control that. I still tear up at it, and my heart still beats faster thinking about it.

Still, even as I become surer that this is what I really want, I can't help but worry still. See above for my fears, I guess.

Still, something happened yesterday after my last post.

Well, I think a little context will help.

You see, whenever I get stressed for whatever reason (a crisis, midterms, breaking up, etc. etc.) I tend to get a bit... rude. If anything was my biggest fault, its that I don't really open up as well as I should (especially considering that I am more than likely poly), and my parents get the brunt of it whenever I start bottling up. Well, cut to yesterday when they finally had enough of my shit. So they shouted me down and forced me to say what was bothering me. It is better than it sounds, but I can't really describe it other than my Dad constantly asking "What's wrong?" over and over until I spilled it.

I didn't really want to say, considering that this is what was bothering me. So, I tried lying, yelling, crying, and others to keep them out. You see, I find it difficult to trust my family with my issues due to my sister, who we will call Kk. Kk was hell to deal with as a child. She was not your normal bossy older sibling, but emotionally abusive. She would shush me to keep me quiet whenever I annoyed her. She would not only never show any physical affection, but was visibly repulsed by any offer, acting as if I was a leper. Whenever I tried to spend time with her, she would insult me, the exact way depending on who with at the time. If she was hanging out with our female cousins, she would do the Loser Loser chant with our female cousins at me, she would just ignore me if she was single, and she would basically let her boyfriends treat me badly. Nothing physical mind you, but in general she was a shit person and I am glad that she moved out. The worst part is that my parents couldn't do anything about it. She was better around them, just silent and passive-aggressive. So they couldn't catch her, and she slowly damaged me. If I tried to ignore her, she would cry crocodile tears and force them to force us to get along.

So, I kinda have a shit family outside of my parents and it makes it hard for me to confide in them. However, they are quite good at dragging things out of me if they get their minds set on it. Long story short, despite my protests that got me to tell them about this. Surprisingly, they took it well. You know about those stories where people's parents know they were gay before they did and when they come out their all like, "damn I thought it was something important". Yeaaaah, turns out they knew before I did. They knew for months, where I only knew as of two days ago. Might've been nice of them to let me know that, so I would be months ahead of this. Still, it's another sure sign that despite my worries I am the luckiest person in the whole world.

I mean, I expected some pushback at some point. Still, my mom is cool enough about it to make a 'more grandbabies' joke, so I guess now family wise I just have to keep it a secret from my grandfather. If I do go through with this, which I feel like I will, then it will be interesting to see my sister's reaction to it. I am not sure what I am hoping for more: Her flushing with rage so I can write her off, or her apologizing so maybe I can mend the bridge with her for my Dad's sake.

Ugh, this is my self-discovery blog, not my personal diary where I can whine about all the things that bother me. So, unless you all just demand to know more, I think that you have the background necessary to understand my family life. Trust me, there's more but I am not sure it is either relevant or interesting.

Still, I am not sure what to do now. I know that I am not ready to continue, though honestly considering my run of good luck I might happen to run into something by accident.

Even so, my thoughts are still a mess. I still question myself, as I don't want to run the risk of hurting others for no reason. So I continue to question myself every day and night if I am being truly true to myself or if I am lying to myself. All signs point to me wanting this, that I am just a blessed, confused, scared person walking his first fledgling steps into something that he only thought about as an idle fancy. I know that a good chunk of people will write me off, my luck cannot last forever after all. I know that I am going to have a hard time... but I've felt happier in these past two days then I have felt in months. To have all the people that really matter in my life basically tell me that they still love me is one thing. That this doesn't even phase my parents is something that I was sure I wouldn't be lucky enough to experience. I don't really feel worthy of it, to be honest. But I am so happy that they think otherwise.

I feel lighter than I have in months, like I really am being more.. in tune with myself, I guess? It's weird, today went by like nothing changed. I went to class, there was a fire drill, I met up with some libertarian friends of mine and debated politics while I waited for the fire marshals to do their job, and came home to my parents loving embrace. The only thing that made yesterday really real was that Mom and Dad reaffirmed their stance on me right before I went to school. I think Dad is doing some research on it to better understand it. He did mention that garbage argument that poly is more 'natural', but I didn't have the time to correct him since I had to go to school. Still, while I felt like he was looking at it from an overly pragmatic side (easier on kids, more paychecks, stuff like that) while I really only care about the romantic side of it (being true to myself, loving more than one person and them being okay with that, knowing that my partners will be happier with their own inclusions, more than I can list here), I feel so happy that he is even trying. I thought he would treat me like I was betraying him, yet he just supports me. I don't know why I keep doubting him.

Honestly, I am not sure what thoughts that you all want to know. I have so many about all of this. Still, I am worried yet I am calmer now. I am scared still of hurting others, of this all being one grand self-deception, of the sheer amount of rejection I know I am going to go through. Yet, I also warmly wait for those struggles you know? Like, normally I stray from challenges like this. Path of least resistance, all the way into the ground. Yet this... I guess it is worth the pain I know it is going to cause me. If I can feel the kind of love I felt for my 'two gal pals', as Sunray put it, again it will be all worth it. I hate the deceptions of traditional romance, the expectation that you should lie and hide yourself lest the real you scare your potential partner away. I hated feeling like a bad person every time I crushed on two people at the same time. I look forward to the honest discussions of our feelings, the support of two others and me supporting them, and most importantly I am happy to realize that I am not a freak or a horndog or a bad person, that while I am not standard I am also normal, you know?

Alright, I have said my peace for today. Any more and I think that I will start rambling even more.

I want to thank both you who have posted for your advice and encouragement. Honestly, I don't know what I do to keep meeting the nicest people, but I am glad it is still working.

~PoorSystem
 
That's awesome that your parents are totally supportive. Kudos to them. And kudos to you, for being very honest, and preparing yourself for the realities of poly.
 
Thoughts on Sam and should I mention my love life's entirety or just the Poly parts?

That's awesome that your parents are totally supportive. Kudos to them. And kudos to you, for being very honest, and preparing yourself for the realities of poly.

As much as I would like to take that praise, I don't really deserve it. They deserve it for dragging this out of me, and for accepting me. I barely was a factor, at least I think so anyway.

As for the self-preparation, that is just practical. We didn't get into this lifestyle because it was easy. If it was... well, I wouldn't be here, to be frank. As much as I might like to dream that I will fall into something like what I had easily, I know that that is not going to be the case. Let alone something more fulfilling and real.

It's something worth struggling for though.

Still, I am not sure but maybe you all would like to hear about my love life as well, specifically who I am friends with and crushing on? I guess that is what this is for, or maybe it's not and feel free to correct me on that.

But, I guess I can give another round of thoughts and there is something I need advice on. It's not vital or anything, I am not going to do anything about it for a while not matter.

Should I someday tell Sam?

I mean, she and I are still friends. Not as close as we were (she did some hurtful things after Lauren went her own way), but close enough to talk to each other every now and then. I have firmly fallen out of love her, and am more friendly towards her. But, I wonder if someday I should tell her what she and Lauren did for me?

On one hand, it's not like you ring up your first girlfriend to thank her when you get married. It might seem like I am mocking her if I phrase it badly.

Yet, I feel like it would have taken much longer to discover this about myself without them. Perhaps I would have repressed myself for my entire life without them? I don't know.

Not a very meaty topic, I know, but I am not sure what all is okay to talk about here so I will leave this here.
 
I see nothing wrong with telling Sam, even if there's a chance your words won't be well-received. You tell her if it's something you need to get off your chest.

As far as this blog is concerned, it is your blog, and it is okay for you to talk about whatever you want to talk about here. This is not a place for people to criticize you, this is supposed to be a safe space for you. Speak from the heart and you will do fine.

I hope you are able to sort out your poly inclination.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You seem very concerned about hurting others when all you want or need to do is be true to yourself.

It's great to be accepted by family and friends, but not at the cost of only showing them parts of yourself you think they want to see, and hiding the parts you are afraid might "hurt" them.

Your parents are grownups and already bucked mainstream behaviors by homeschooling you. Unless they were fundamentalist Christians, your fears were apparently unfounded! They accepted you, they didn't disown you. Your dad is even doing research to better understand polyamory! What a guy!

By the way "poly is more natural" isn't necessarily a bullshit concept. Try reading "Sex at Dawn," which is an anthropological/sociological exploration of sex in human prehistory for perspective on this.

Personally I've delved enough into early human civilisation research to believe that monogamy is culturally based on fear of female sexuality and power. Now that women are gaining more power (after about 4000 years of patriarchy), a different way of relating sexually and culturally is coming about. Monogamy (especially lifelong) is becoming devalued. Relating to more than one partner romantically and sexually is possible for women when they are financially independent and have social support for raising children that doesn't depend on getting and keeping one man.

Also, people are living longer, and so marriages that were meant to last until one partner or another, or both, died, are becoming just impractical. What if you divorce, or your partner dies when you are 45? Are you supposed to remain celibate and with no intimate partner to share life with? Are you supposed to magically find Mr or Ms Right right away and immediately become mono again? Some people do... many don't. You might start dating and find 2 Ms Rights, or Mr Rights, or one of each gender, or you might not find someone just right in every way, and find yourself caring deeply for 3 people but none you want to live with. Or... other arrangements ad infinitum.

Remember divorce was a huge social stigma until about the 1960s. Now it's as common as dirt. This is directly related to the practicality presently of polyamory and other ways of romantically relating.

Polyamory is cutting edge but more and more people are doing it. Our culture is more diverse these days, race-wise, gender preference and identity-wise, and love style-wise.

What your parents said about how poly benefits kids is also true. In prehistory, and in many traditional cultures, children were not raised in a nuclear family, but in tribe. Each adult in the tribe was like a parent or at least aunt/uncle to them. If they had a tiff with a parent, they could go to another loving adult for support. If the parents had a tiff with each other, the kids could be cared for by other adults until the parents worked things out. If a partner died, especially if the breadwinner died, the living partner wouldn't need to fear death for herself and her young children, she would be taken care of by the tribe. The kids belonged to the tribe, and to the goddess. When this system of tribal support fell apart, it was bad news for women and children. Children and wives were the property of men (until quite recently!), and woe be to them if the man died or just dumped them out into the desert. Woe be to a maiden who was raped. All she could do was marry her rapist. (That's in the Old Testament, look it up.)

Anyway, you're part of a big social shift that is only going to keep growing. Be brave, be true to yourself. You are a pioneer.
 
That is the way you veiw things, but I don't see poly that way. I don't see it as this hyper evolved nautral way of thinking. I view it more as an inborn orientation, like homosexuality vs heterosexuality. Some people have one and onlys, others like me are poly. I don't view it as 'more natural' because that devalues mono relationships as 'unnatural'. Both are as natural as the other. Id yoy view it differently, that's cool, but we'll have to disagree.

I do agree that modern day Feminism and equal rights are what allows poly to come more and more into the mainstream, but that doesn't make it cutting edge. That nust means the modern era allows people to be more true to their hearts.

I will always fear hurting others, because other people over mine. That's just who I am, along with being poly and loving button up shirts.

You are right that I need to stop worrying so much, but to prioritize myself over others is not something that I am capable of.

Thank you for your advice though, it is always nice to hear advice from members of the community even if I disagree. It makes this all a little less scary to think about.

I am at a hairdresser right now, otherwise I would take more time to update you all on my life. As it is, I am about to be next. I will update you in the evening.

Take care and thank you so much for the support,

~PoorSystem
 
Thoughts: 10/23/17

Heh, I had planned to add to this blog with my thoughts yesterday evening... then I promptly blew all my time talking to Runa... and then some, since we ended up talking till two. I can't do that every day, but its fun every now and then. Though, as much as I love my parents, I like to wait for their poker night to call her since we end up casually talking about highly sexual topics. Things like what she's using right now and such. I won't go into details, obviously, but it was definitely not something that I wanted my Mom to overhear, you know?

But yeah, I've got college classes at 1 and won't be back till 10ish, so today is my long day. I am not even doing anything that hard today, just a chemistry class and such.

I guess crush wise, well... I mean, there is this one girl in one of my engineering classes (meaning that she is just as smart or smarter than me, very attractive) who gets my heart beating. I mean, she is almost the cool girl version of me. She's a computer scientist (I am an engineer, or will be one day) who's about my age. She is also a huge anime fan (VP of the campus anime club), while also being a RWBY fan. She also has this cool and confident personality that always just makes me melt. You see, Sam used to act all confident around me which is why I liked her. Then she started acting all shy when we started dating, which as disappointing but I still liked her at the time.

I will never know what it is about a confident girl that causes me to crush on them, but it always happens. But yeah, a cute nerdy confident girl? Yeah, needless to say, she pierced all my defenses at once. Not to mention that she was willing to listen to me prattle on an hour after class about whatever so I could avoid 5 PM traffic. I hope I can get a repeat this week. Honestly, it is just fascination right now, not nearly enough to ask her out or get her number, but enough to pay more attention. Most of these don't pan out in the long run, but I guess that is how most relationships are, except the ones that last the test.

Yeah, really there not any other girls who catch my eye right now. I mean, there was this one other girl... then she said being gay is a sin, so I noped the fuck out as fast as I could and made it very clear that the romantic gates had shut airtight. I mean, who the fuck thinks like that? I am religious too, but I don't think that God is a dick who would make people gay if that was something inherently wrong. ugghhhh, you meet these seemingly cute girls and then they have to say shit like that. The worlds biggest turn off: Narrow-mindedness.

Like, I am a Christian and all, but I want to find the guy who tacked on that line at the end about laying with another man and punch him in his fucking mouth. Yeah, whatever crush I had on her died with that sentence. I mean, I could be friends with her I guess, but why would I do that to myself? Fuck her and her shit. I mean, the bible also says that men can and should have multiple wives and that all of humanity was made via mass incest, yet you don't see those people advocating for those to be made legal do they? No, they cherry pick that one line out of all the lines about tolerance and love even of those who are different than you and use it to attack perfectly normal people for no good reason.

Ahhh, sorry. I get a bit touchy about that kind of stuff. Nothing angers me faster, not even stubbing my toe.

Yeah, so outside of the one girl in my engineering class I really only have some lingering feelings for Runa, not that I will mention this to her.

I mean, being poly basically ended our relationship in the first place. I broke it off not because the long distance was killing me, but because I felt for other girls too. I am not about to ask her about that kinda stuff for a while because I don't think she'd be cool with that. I'll just ignore it for her sake, you know? I want her to explore herself, not force her to try my stuff. Maybe if she starts asking me questions and such, I'll ask if she wants to try it out, but short of that, I think I will let her just be a friend to me.

God, I missed her though.

You know what is really nice though? Recognizing these feelings and not feeling like a bastard. I don't have to beat myself up as some sort of freak or typically horndog male or something every time my heart moves for two or three (my lifetime max total coinciding-crushes so far (Sam, Lauren, Runa)) girls at the same time. It's freeing to be sure, to not have to worry about it.

Now I just have to worry about the following: Finding girls that don't mind being poly, dealing with bad metamores, explain to Sam in a way that doesn't make her think I am still into her that I am poly, and deal with my sister's reaction when I tell her. Is it bad that I hope for her to freak out about it? I mean, I honestly hate her so in a way I hope it makes her repulsed enough to leave me alone, but on the other hand that is not why I am doing this and it makes me feel like an asshole to think that way. Advice on that would be appreciated.

I know for sure now, at least that is a start. The concept fits me like a glove, ya know? So that is something at least.

I should start heading for college, I've honestly got stuff to do haha. I really need to think about this less and study more.

Anyways, I want to thank all of you here and those people who know me outside of here for all your endless support. Your comments help more than you could ever know. I am sure that some of my complaints and comments are sure to seem childish to you all, after all I think I am one of the few here who is in their twenties, and the help that you've all given just by taking the time to read what I write is helpful. This blog made things more real to me, it gave me the courage to talk to my best friend after months of silence.

So, thank you all.

I will update either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Here's hoping I will have good news when I get back,

~PoorSystem
 
The scariest question: what do I want?

I've been trying to ignore that question for a while now. Even before my meltdown a little while ago when I accepted that monogamy might be for me, I try not to think past tomorrow. Too depressing, in my opinion since there was so little I actually wanted. It was a seperation point between me and my peers, since they all had some sort of dream or thoughts for the future while I did not. Now, I really don't have a choice but to start thinking. I lack a fallback script to go with, and while that is a tiny bit scary it is far more liberating.

So, what do I want?

I really don't care about financial sucess, or leaving my mark in the history books or anything like that. I am, however, attracted to familial goals. I want kids, a strong family, and that is about it. A vauge ass beacon, but a beacon none the less.

So, I know what I want in life. At least, in broad strokes.

So, what do I want out of poly? Well, that image is more distinct. It's hard to put to words, but I'll try. It's not like I want to date whoever suits my fancy at any time. It's more like I want to share my life with two to three people. This could take any form really, though ideally I would have two partners who have their own partners if they want to. I would like two live in partners, or one live in partner and one metamore. Something along those lines.

Again, in a completely ideal world I wouldn't have to deal with a live in male metamore due to my androphobia (irrational fear of men), but as long as I could get along with him then it wouldn't really matter. I'll go into why I have androphobia later, but suffice it to say that I hate most men I interact with. And no, I do not jump at my own reflection. Yes, malls and public spaces are not fun.

The three or four of us that live together would help raise children and such, god just thinking about makes my heart warm.

So that is what i want out of Poly. Unrealistic and naive? Most likely. But, more than anything, that is what I want out of life.

Now, how best to live that dream? I mean its not going to be easy, especially in Texas of all places.

I figure the best way forward is to just start small. I've heard to many horror storys of people rushing to make closed triads and end up just hurting each other, so clearly that is a no go. Which is kind of a relief, since that seems like a lot of pressure anyway. So, I suppose that the best way forward is to continue questionong myself and such, work harder on my degree so that I can have plenty of date money, and just date one girl at a time. Be upfront about my preferances and such in a tactful way and answer their questions, and just hope for the best. There are 340,000,000 some odd people in the US and a good chunk of them live here in Texas. If I keep at it, keep aware of myself, and prep myself I am sure i will find the right people for me.

But more than anything, I am just glad that I now have something that I am looking forward too.
 
Sounds like you have the right idea.

As for coming out as poly, I would stick to plain and short-winded. "I should let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Something like that. As for whether to tell your sister, that is totally up to you. Although if you do, I wonder if she will then announce it to the whole world, and do so with the words she wants to use. Be aware of that possibility. It's also possible that if you don't tell her, someone else will (using their words, not yours). So, weigh the risks.
 
My Androphobia

Sounds like you have the right idea.

As for coming out as poly, I would stick to plain and short-winded. "I should let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Something like that. As for whether to tell your sister, that is totally up to you. Although if you do, I wonder if she will then announce it to the whole world, and do so with the words she wants to use. Be aware of that possibility. It's also possible that if you don't tell her, someone else will (using their words, not yours). So, weigh the risks.


Honestly, I've decided to wait on telling Kk. I mean, she's done nothing but hurt and disappoint me over the years so why should I expect any more from her? As much as I would like to pretend that she could be nice about this, I would be lying to my instincts. So, I think I will wait, or maybe just never tell her till my deathbed. I won't hide it from her, but neither will I tell her. She lost her chance to be a positive part of my life, so now I will just mitigate the damage that she does to me.

As for what I should say, I don't quite like the way monogamous sounds. I know that it is accurate, but it feels a little too broad, ya know? Like, non-monogamous also covers swingers, open relationships, polygamy, and relationship-anarchy. None of these are bad things per say, but they are not what I am looking for. I am definitely polyamorous and nothing else. It is strange, but the idea of any partner of mine going out for mindless sex hurts, but the idea of them having another partner, who they feel affection for and sleep with, doesn't. A double standard, sure, but emotions are hardly something that is always rational. I don't know, and it is unfair in some ways, but its just how I am.

I won't wait on this forever, but I still feel like I need time to get my head around this. It is hard to imagine that I have only really acknowledged this part of myself for about 11 or 12 days now since it feels like an eternity, but I think that I still need more time to gather the courage to start dating again. It's not that I am ashamed of being poly, I've (as stated by my parents) have been happier since I admitted it to both myself and them. Sure, there is some awkwardness when they say things in a mono-normative way and I awkwardly remind them that I am not mono. It's more of a me thing because I still sometimes worry that they are just humoring me and the rug will be pulled beneath me at any moment. It won't, I know, but I honestly feel too lucky for this to all be true. Even with his research, I don't think they really understand why I am poly. They'll support it, make jokes about it, and defend it; but I don't think they will really get it until I start dating again.

I am really looking forward to dating again, even with the rejection I am bound to face at first. Honestly, plain rejection never really bothered me too much. I mean, it stung a little, but I could move past it. What really hurts is when people ghost you, or they're jealous BFs stop your friendship and they go with it. I don't blame either party, but it still hurts.

I suppose I did promise to tell you all more about my androphobia. Well, it is more a mix of misandry and androphobia due to some severely negative experiences I have with men over the years. I've always had a harder time keeping my male friendships alive, even before the worst of it. Maybe its because I spent so much of my early life with minimum male contact outside of my Dad, my Papa, and the one male cousin that I could stand since he was always trying to include me. Other than that I have always preferred having female friends, even before my sexual awakening. It really only got worse after my sister went to college. The first guy she brought along seemed great, we had similar hobbies and could chat a lot. However, my sister did not like how well I (15 years old at the time) got along with her friend (who was a twenty-something). Eventually, my sister told me to stop talking to him and I lost my phone, meaning that I had no way to contact him. A year later my sister claimed that he was a predator trying to groom me when I brought it up. I believed her at the time, but now I am not so sure. I mean, he did tell both of us that he was gay but marrying some girl to appease his right-wing family.

Yet, considering who my sister is it is entirely possible that she just got sick of me interacting with him and forced us to stop talking, coming up with the pedo excuse to get my parents onboard. I don't think that is the case, but it is kinda fucked up that I even have to consider it. Afterwards my sister brought several other guy friends: one social pressured me into riding a ride that I did not want to and has caused my fear of rides ever since, another pair accused me of being gay and only tolerated me because I had befriended a girl that we all hanged out with, another basically treated me like shit for interrupting their 'dates' at our place whenever I walked by to pee or something and I tried to strike up a quick conversation, and more. Pretty much everything short of being beaten.

Then when I went to college I found the guys there were just... I don't know. Immature? Most guys I talked to I didn't really like hanging with. I've found a good handful of girls I like hanging with, crushes not included, and only three other guys worth it. I am pretty sure things will get better as we all age, but until then I think I will just do what makes me happy and avoid them.

No, I do not want to hear anything about how I need to expand my horizons and give men another shot. I have tried many times and failed, while I have plenty of success with girls as friends.

Thank you for reading and your advice so far, looking forward to what you all have to say,

~PoorSystem.
 
After reading your description, I have to say it makes sense that you don't care much for the company of men. If you feel differently in the future that's fine, but I don't see any reason to rush that process. Just stick with what feels right for the moment.

Good luck on your dating endeavors, it sounds like this is a good time to start dating.
 
I Ain't got game

Been a while since I last posted. Not really much has changed, but I realized a sad fact. I have very little idea on how to date. Not to brag, mind, but when I actually get to dating someone I am decent at it. Not the best, I don't lay claim to the hearts of others very well, but I can be a... okay ear when needed and I possess a mild imagination when it comes to dating.

The problem lies in... I suck at the intro of it all. I have a hard time with things like signals and flirting. A lot of people claim that I flirt with a girl when all I perceive is me being friendly. It has hurt my relationships when the girls had jealous boyfriends who thought that I was "hitting on their girl".

While we are on the subject, I hate the use of possessive language like that. I don't understand how girls can stand people using that kind of language, like 'my girl', as if they are some kind of commodity that can be taken. Then again, I am poly so maybe that just colors my perceptions.

I am working on it with the help of my friends, but it is not very easy for me.

Not really much of it, but I wanted to update you all on my progress. Heres hoping my luck train doesn't stop at 2017.

~PoorSystem
 
A quick praise

I am between two of my long classes right now and so I have time to update y'all on something that I noticed in hindsight that I thought was really sweet.

So, if you just happened to skip to this current post, I was rather quickly outed to my parents due to them being perceptive of my emotional state. Both Mom and Dad said that they don't really care and kinda knew before I did. Kinda funny now that I think of it.

So, anyways, we are a family that is into politics and likes to discuss them while we watch the news. Most of the time we agree, sometimes we disagree and have a small debate over it before moving on. So, unless you've been pointedly ignoring the whole thing, you know that recently there has been a slew of accusations against men in both parties of sexual abuse/ assault lately. Now, this is not a sight for politics one way or the other, so I am not going to say what was discussed here since I want this to be a mostly politically neutral zone, but needless to say, there was a lot of talk about cheating and such.

Then, at one point, my mom said something along the lines of "Maybe she knew, in which case it is none of our business" in regards to one incident and the knowledge of the politician's wife... and I have to say that just right now, as I am sitting here looking at this site, does it occur to me that that was a nod towards my being poly. I have to say, that was so sweet of her to include that I almost had to post about it here. While they are being supportive, most of the time when they talk about my love life (or lack thereof) they mostly use monogamist terminology before stopping and replacing with a plural. So she went out of her way to make me feel more comfortable about the discussion by making that nod.

Makes me feel a little better about my current lack of any idea what I am doing in regards to dating.
 
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