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Old 11-07-2012, 08:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Been thinking about this thread, and ready to post two tips of my own for now. Maybe more later, after I formulate the language for what comes to mind. But here goes:

DON'T expect to manage every non-primary relationship in the same manner as your primary one. In addition, DON'T expect any of your metamours to relate to your primary and expect (or put up with) the same treatment from your primary that you do. If a metamour reacts or handles situations differently than you would, DON'T automatically start building a case against them. DO recognize that different people have differing needs and styles of expression. Some examples: just because you and your primary check in with each other every day doesn't mean your non-primary partner(s) or metamour(s) need or want that. And just because one non-primary lover wants a friendship with your primary doesn't mean that another non-primary lover would.

DON'T assume that the boundaries you have agreed to with your primary partner are the only ones that count. DO ask any potential new lovers what their personal boundaries are. If they say they don't know or don't have any, recognize that that is a problem, and exercise extreme caution in moving forward. If they do have boundaries, DO respect those boundaries and, in your negotiations with the new person, DON'T insist that the agreements between you and your primary take precedence. DO have some flexibility. DO keep in mind that any of your non-primary partners may have agreements with other lovers that could be at odds with or require some adjustments to your own. DO know before getting involved with any new lovers exactly which boundaries you have with your primary that are non-negotiable and which are more flexible. DO be prepared for the possibility that some adjustments to your boundaries and renegotiations with your primary may be necessary.

Respect each person you're involved with as an individual and DO take responsibility for all the relationships you choose to be in! In other words, DON'T expect your primary partner to manage and/or act as a go-between in your relationship(s) with your non-primary partner(s). DO make consistent efforts to nurture each relationship and to see what is needed when.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-07-2012 at 08:48 PM.
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