Casual Sex - Discussion

None of us have ever been swingers.

I do enjoy casual sex in a FWB type of fashion. No real interest in pursuing sex with strangers - although I wouldn't rule out a one night stand with someone that I really connected with over the course of an evening.

JaneQ

Most of our encounters have been with FWB type of deal as well. Although, they were not super good, longtime friendships.
 
I had casual encounters before I married or knew of poly. But I can't get off in that dynamic. So-no desire to repeat.

I like casual sex, but I rarely orgasm with a stranger. Even friends that I know and really like can't make me climax. I liked swinging cause of the rush and the fun sex I could have with my husband afterwards.
 
I don't consider myself a swinger although I have partner swapped. I am not into totally anonymous sex. I have to know someone at least a little. But I am in an open relationship and have a friends with benefits connection with someone. So yes I like and want casual sex in addition to my relationship. But I think lots of people are poly and not be into casual sex.

Same here. We met a couple once. We thought they were poly, we went for a get together and ended up sleeping with them. Turns or they were hard core swingers and they had no intetest in being anything to us. It really hurt, I liked them and felt used. I have no interest in swinging but I do enjoy fwb, the friendship really needs to be there.
 
My husband and I used to swing and engage in casual sex before meeting my now live in bf and two other partners. I dont any more as I never liked it or felt comfortable with it. I don't blossom into a healthy sexual person in such circumstances. I have in the committed relationships I am now in.

The first thing I find out from new loves is their personal take on swinging and if they are interested in casual sex I won't date people who are swingers or engage in casual sex but I have a number of friends who are into it all. I find it to be a complete turn off. As much as I've tried to get the appeal I just can't. Each to their own though. There are people who fit my life and people who don't. I jist don't fit into an intimate relationship with any one who enjoys casual sex.
 
My husband and I used to swing and engage in casual sex before meeting my now live in bf and two other partners. I don't any more as I never liked it or felt comfortable with it. I don't blossom into a healthy sexual person in such circumstances. I have in the committed relationships I am now in.

The first thing I find out from new loves is their personal take on swinging and if they are interested in casual sex I won't date people who are swingers or engage in casual sex.

I have a number of friends who are into it all. I find it to be a complete turn off. As much as I've tried to get the appeal I just can't. Each to their own though. There are people who fit my life and people who don't.
 
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For me, sex is far less rewarding when I don't have a deep emotional connection. with my partner. There have been no lack of offers, for either of us, but I'm about 98% sure it isn't something I'd enjoy.
 
How many of you have been or are swingers? Were you swingers before you became poly? Or did you try swinging after you discovered you were a poly person?
Never been a swinger, and I can't even date an ex-swinger without feeling weird about it. I have no qualms about being with someone who has had an active sex life with many partners. It's just that the impression I get about swinging (from what I've been told) is that it's so-o-oo regimented and extremely measured. I've conversed online with people who have specific formulas for the threesomes or swaps they do with swing partners, like they only give 20% attention to a new swing partner and make sure 80% must go to established partner - yuck! I dislike a rules-based approach to sex. I also dislike how, in swinging it is all supposed to be strictly unemotional and purely recreational. I'd be very cautious about dating anyone who enjoyed that because I don't want to be a toy. I have thought about going to a sex club as just an observer, to see what the appeal is, but it would be just to satisfy my curiosity from an anthropological perspective. I'm curious about a lot of things I would never, ever want to actually do.

If you're in a successful poly relationship, do you still have desires to have casual, no strings sex with others? Or do you keep yourself now to only your poly partners?
I have nothing against having casual sex, but that doesn't mean I have random sex with strangers, and I wouldn't call the kind of casual sex I engage in "no strings," either. I want some kind of connection beyond the physical. That being said, I don't have the kinds of committed partners that are fully-entwined in my day-to-day life. My poly approach is mostly to develop friendships with men that I want to also have sex with, as I don't want those boyfriend-type of partnerships and want more casual parameters for my relationships. So, for me, there is no commitment nor need to be sexually faithful to the people I get involved with, although I like to be informed of what my FWBs are up to, from a safety standpoint.


I'm finding that I'm not really interested in sexual relationships outside of my husband and my boyfriend. It might be NRE, but I know that when I had NRE with my husband, I was still sexually drawn to other men. Now that I have two people I love, I feel completed and have no real interest in sex with other people. Was wondering if other people have experienced this as well. . .
For lots of people, two relationships is quite enough. Nothing odd about that. Practicing polyamory doesn't automatically mean you have to go around having a sexual free-for-all or remain open to any possibility that comes along. Sounds like you're satisfied with what you have - how nice!
 
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I don't know if it's a temporary feeling, but the thought of swinging makes me feel cheapened while before it made me feel like I was having a good time. Perhaps it's a side effect of NRE? No sure. Thanks for the reply:)

It depends on a lot of different things for me, I met some great people and not so great people, when I started swinging it was fun and then got feelings for someone ( someone who I don't talk to anymore) and I thought maybe I am not cut our for swinging and then I met A and have been very happy ever since.
 
If you're in a successful poly relationship, do you still have desires to have casual, no strings sex with others? Or do you keep yourself now to only your poly partners?

I've had casual sex encounters in the past with people I'd just met and enjoyed it a great deal. It's something I've only done a couple of times and is not a primary interest for me. I'm much more interested in intimate connection and feelings of love these days so I am not moved to get involved in a casual sex type of situation (like swinging).

I don't have anything against swingers, it seems like a natural transition for people to move from monogamous to some form of swinging and then possibly to polyamory. I suppose my previous relationships could be seen as swinging-lite since we didn't do clubs or other swingers but there was plenty of restricted play with friends etc.

As far as sex with "no strings attached": I don't like the idea of assumptions being tacked on to my relationships or encounters. Not sure what "strings" come with having sex with someone, or falling in love with someone, but I know I don't want them tied to me!
 
I have been a swinger since I was 18. I do enjoy parts of it, but haven't done it in years. Recently figured out why. It wasn't just about the sex. The sex is nice, but I am really wary of STD's and it is all I can think about when considering sex with a person whom I have no knowledge of their background.

Only in the past couple weeks have I had the epiphany that I have been poly all along. I wouldn't mind swinging with my boys, but it would be better if the SO found himself a poly situation with a bisexual poly girl that he also enjoyed spending time with. Otherwise, I have a hard time relaxing.
 
My wife and I tried swinging because we knew we wanted something more than we had. Casual sex always left us feeling a little empty afterward. We were GOOD at swinging, in that we never got jealous and always had a good time with other partners and seeing each other with other partners, but we wanted that connection with the people we were in bed with.

Enter polyamory. Enter a whole new set of problems. It's easy to find people we both want to (or are at least willing to) have sex with. Being intimate and involved in a loving relationship is a whole new ball of wax.

We could never go back to swinging, though. It's the feelings that are far more important to us than the sensations anyway.
 
How many of you have been or are swingers? Were you swingers before you became poly? Or did you try swinging after you discovered you were a poly person?

I have never tried swinging. I think that if I got into a relationship with primary style entanglements like a shared home, went back to work, maybe knocked out another kid or two, I wouldn't have the time for more than one romantic relationship. Swining might be a way, then, for me to exercise my need to have more than one partner in some form.

If you're in a successful poly relationship, do you still have desires to have casual, no strings sex with others? Or do you keep yourself now to only your poly partners?

My libido isn't dependent on love. Many poly people think that casual sex is somehow against being poly. That polyamory is only about loving more than one person and relationships that are focused around sex are "less than" polyamory and the people who have them are not polyamorous. As I said on another thread, I think if your form of ethical non monogamy allows only for sexually focused relationships and prohibits emotional and/or romantic connections with other people, then it is an open relationship opposed to a polyamorous relationship. However, people who have or can have more than one romantic partner as part of an ethically non monogamous relationship and also have interactions and relationships that are sexually focused and lack the romantic elements still fit in the polyamorous category in my opinion.
 
I don't think I've ever wanted to swing but I am still interested in connecting with people while not necessarily being in a relationship with them, moreso situations steeped in friendship.

I would LOVE that. I had it when I was single so I know it's possible lol.
 
pigola ossuary

Never tried swinging although I have on occasion, "suggested" that it would be fun to try.

My wife and I were in a very happy monogamous marriage for the past 13 years until this time last year when something magical and unexpected happened (copious wine + hot tub) with another couple who happen to be our very best friends. It's funny, the morning after, all glowing with NRE, and weird feelings of "what the fuck are we doing?". It was actually quite frightening and exciting all at the same time... I will never forget that feeling.

So poly found us I suppose and NO ONE was looking for it, both couples coming from happy and solid marriages w/families. We are in a closed quad and outside of several bumps in the road everything is going exceptionally well.

Yes, the sweet and subtle difference between fantasy vs reality. I have always been intrigued to try swinging. And now that I am in a poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)

However, I can safely say that I am very happy in our closed quad and have no desire to do anything different with anyone. :) We care about this other couple very deeply and yes the sex is wonderful. We live close by, and we are deeply connected to each others daily lives and families. Our situation IMHO is "perfect". (Reality)

~S
 
Many poly people think that casual sex is somehow against being poly...people who have or can have more than one romantic partner as part of an ethically non monogamous relationship and also have interactions and relationships that are sexually focused and lack the romantic elements still fit in the polyamorous category in my opinion.

That's not an opinion, that's just understanding what polyamory is and stating as much. Polyamory doesn't have anything to do with what you do with your time besides having (or having the ability to have) multiple loves. People who think that poly and varying levels of promiscuity are not compatible are entitled to design their lives however they choose but if they think it is integral to the definition polyamory then they are also welcome to be incorrect.

Prior to my meeting IV she was apparently promiscuous. She was in a poly relationship with CV and promiscuious!

Squashking said:
And now that I am in a closed poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)

Red text is my addition.

I realize you probably know the reason that it is fantasy for you to have an outside lover, but for the sake of newer members I wanted to make the distinction clear. This is an example of a closed poly arrangement which does not permit additional loves or sexual partners outside the agreed upon group. This distinction has nothing to do with poly and everything to do with the fact that is is designated as closed.
 
Thanks Marcus. If Poly is defined as multiple loves I suppose our closed quad arrangement applies. I am still very new to all this... Never had I thought a lifestyle like this was even possible in our marriage. It is wonderful, supportive and full filling in every way. IMO it requires far more communication, devotion, honesty and trust.
 
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My wife and I tried swinging first when we initially opened up our marriage and started exploring non-manogamy. We had a hard time finding suitable couples. Either the attraction wasn't there or they just weren't comfortable with the whole thing. We were pretty comfortable with it, but were pretty picky in regards to our partners. We were never very casual about casual sex.
 
I would love to find a way to have 'casual sex' .. I'm having two amazing relationships but not getting laid :/

Both of my partners are happy and supportive if I want to find another (for sex or a relationship or whatever it is that I need...)

I don't feel like I want/need/could handle another significant relationship in my life but on the other hand, I'm not sure sex without connection would work for me.

So - 'friends with benefits' ... what's all that about?
 
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"Friends with benefits" means, to put it simply, that you have a friend with whom you have sex. It's not a romantic relationship per se, you're not in love, the emotional element isn't too strong, and there's not that much commitment. No more than you would have with a "regular friend." It's just that when you do get together (to hang out or what have you), you might have sex together as something fun to do.

Hopefully I've explained that correctly. I don't have FWB experience personally, so I am just going by what I've heard other people say.

Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!
 
"Friends with benefits" means, to put it simply, that you have a friend with whom you have sex. It's not a romantic relationship per se, you're not in love, the emotional element isn't too strong, and there's not that much commitment. No more than you would have with a "regular friend." It's just that when you do get together (to hang out or what have you), you might have sex together as something fun to do.

Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!

Yes - obviously I have wondered the same - equally I can see myself going down the well worn road of falling for the friend ... what can someone who is so open to romantic relationships do to close off against the same? I have the right number of people in my world but I continue to have these silly little sexual urges :rolleyes:
 
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