How to turn a girl into a Unicorn

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EurAsianGirl

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*Cross-posted from a forum on Fetlife because they weren't really helpful and I need all the advice I can get!

Contrary to the cliche I am not part of a couple seeking a Unicorn, rather I got into this accidentally and thus would like to know how to go about this.

Here's my story, so I fell in love with this guy. He agreed to go out with me and we were very happy together, a few months into our relationship I learn that he actually has a serious girlfriend, one he lives with and is engaged to! Believe me if I could by that time I would have walked away but by then I was already too in love with him, he said it was no problem and that he could love us both. The relationship grew and we became more and more intimate and I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him, he was my first in everything! First boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual contact, you get the picture.

We broke up, not because the girlfriend found out but another girl was trying to get between us and taking him away, it was a very messy situation which turned him off from both of us and he just decided to dump me and go back to being mono with his gf.

Thankfully the girl that ruined our whole relationship is out of our lives, however I can't seem to move on from him! I've tried everything, but I'm still so attached to him and by everything I literally mean everything, it's already been 3 years since our break-up, I am at the conclusion I love him and want to be with him in anyway, even if that includes getting his gf as part of the package deal.

This is no problem as I'm bisexual and for some reason never felt jealous of her, more guilty. I suppose its because he sought me out while he was with her so she was never a threat, I've seen her pics before too and she definitely seems like my type as well, plus she claims she's highly bisexual too! I think this could really work out! :)

Now the thing is, how do I convince his gf to be poly and be part of a closed triad between him, me and her? She kinda doesn't have a good opinion of me already due to rumors being spread and her thinking I want to break the two up, when I don't anymore, not since I've discovered Polyamory, I want to enter into a triad with them!

I think this Poly thing can really work out for me and will make everyone happy, so Fetlifers I need your advice, as you can see I have a very unique "Unicorn" situation. How do I convince someone's current gf to turn into one?

* Oh, by the way if some people start thinking I'm treating the gf like a sexual object, note that if this relationship goes through I will happily let her date others, she won't have to be exclusive to us! Heck, I'd even encourage her to date others, so no I don't look at her as an object and am willing to give her her freedom. See, I'm different from the other unicorn hunters!
 
You're not a unicorn hunter. You're the unicorn. Unicorn hunters are couples looking for a single bi woman willing to be in a relationship with both of them. That's you.

As for her, she is happily in a monogamous relationship, and from your post, if I'm not mistaken, he was cheating on her. I can see why she wouldn't trust you. Even if she was comfortable with being in a triad, it probably wouldn't be with you.

As for him, he broke up with you, and there is no reason to believe he wants to be in a triad with the two of you, either, especially if he was hiding you from her.

You're not with either of them, and as far as I can tell neither has any desire to be in a relationship with you. Drop it. It's not about turning someone into a unicorn, it's about making to people who are happy together (and, it seems, content to stay monogamous at this point) want to both be with you. Which right now neither of them does.

Just let it go, it's not going to happen.
 
You're not a unicorn hunter. You're the unicorn. Unicorn hunters are couples looking for a single bi woman willing to be in a relationship with both of them. That's you.

As for her, she is happily in a monogamous relationship, and from your post, if I'm not mistaken, he was cheating on her. I can see why she wouldn't trust you. Even if she was comfortable with being in a triad, it probably wouldn't be with you.

As for him, he broke up with you, and there is no reason to believe he wants to be in a triad with the two of you, either, especially if he was hiding you from her.

You're not with either of them, and as far as I can tell neither has any desire to be in a relationship with you. Drop it. It's not about turning someone into a unicorn, it's about making to people who are happy together (and, it seems, content to stay monogamous at this point) want to both be with you. Which right now neither of them does.

Just let it go, it's not going to happen.
Yeah, but you see she didn't know that he cheated on her with me and he was eventually going to introduce us and have us become a triad, the other girl just ruined the whole thing. ((Thank god she's out of the picture!))

How do you know my guy's gf is monogamous? Maybe she's secretly Poly but never got a chance to voice it? He's definitely poly, she could be too. I mean, she's very heavily bisexual, so I'm sure she'd be willing to enter into a triad.
 
He cheated on his wife with you. That's not a good foundation for polyamory.

You broke up with him three years ago. If you still can't bring yourself to move on I suggest you seek professional assistance.
 
He cheated on his wife with you. That's not a good foundation for polyamory.

You broke up with him three years ago. If you still can't bring yourself to move on I suggest you seek professional assistance.

Techinically she's his fiancee not his wife, and believe me I've tried. I really think he's my true love, I really want to be with him.

And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
 
And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.
I sincerely doubt it. At this stage you sound to me more like a stalker than anything else.
 
And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.

That would be true if you all wanted that. But from the info you've given us, that's what you want, and they're perfectly fine the way they are. It seems to me the only thing you're likely to accomplish is create more drama and potentially hurt their relationship.

And are you actually thinking of starting a triad with her and not telling her you and her fiance cheated on her?

It seems to me like you're obsessed with him and willing to be with her too because you know there is no way he'd be with just you. But he cut things off with you and in three years, if he wanted you back he had plenty of time to say so.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like there is anything you can do, except look for someone(s) else.
 
Have you ever heard the expression, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."?

Love is the same way. You cannot force someone to love you. Love cannot be compelled.

I'm afraid I agree with the others... it seems that you're bordering on being a stalker, and you need professional help.
 
Firsts are hard to get over... I get that. HOWEVER, have you even been talking to him recently or have you been planning all of this all on your own? Because from what you've told us, there is no indication that either one of them is interested in a relationship with you.

If by some amazing piece of luck his fiance would be interested in poly and you are considered, you would need to be upfront about EVERYTHING. How you and he originally met, how he cheated on her with you (and do you realize he lied to you as well? Have you dealt with/thought about that?), how you at one point wanted to sabotage their relationship so that you could have him... All of that would need to be addressed so that you could all start from an open, honest place. If after hearing all that garbage, she was still willing to try it with you... Well, I would be amazed.

You also have some things that are contradictory in your post - you say you want a closed triad but you'd be okay with her dating. That would be more open, don't you think? You say that some other person started all these rumors about you that made the fiance dislike you but then you say that at one point you DID want to break them up - sounds like grounds for disliking someone to me.

This situation is so messed up with so many screwed up parts inside it (fiance being lied to and cheated on, the guy lying to both of you, you possibly borderline stalking, no clear or honest communication going on... Shall I continue?). I think it's best to seek some therapy for yourself, get over this guy, and move the heck on. Sounds like the other two could use some counseling or at least some work on communication too if their relationship is going to last.
 
Firsts are hard to get over... I get that. HOWEVER, have you even been talking to him recently or have you been planning all of this all on your own? Because from what you've told us, there is no indication that either one of them is interested in a relationship with you.

If by some amazing piece of luck his fiance would be interested in poly and you are considered, you would need to be upfront about EVERYTHING. How you and he originally met, how he cheated on her with you (and do you realize he lied to you as well? Have you dealt with/thought about that?), how you at one point wanted to sabotage their relationship so that you could have him... All of that would need to be addressed so that you could all start from an open, honest place. If after hearing all that garbage, she was still willing to try it with you... Well, I would be amazed.

You also have some things that are contradictory in your post - you say you want a closed triad but you'd be okay with her dating. That would be more open, don't you think? You say that some other person started all these rumors about you that made the fiance dislike you but then you say that at one point you DID want to break them up - sounds like grounds for disliking someone to me.

This situation is so messed up with so many screwed up parts inside it (fiance being lied to and cheated on, the guy lying to both of you, you possibly borderline stalking, no clear or honest communication going on... Shall I continue?). I think it's best to seek some therapy for yourself, get over this guy, and move the heck on. Sounds like the other two could use some counseling or at least some work on communication too if their relationship is going to last.

True, this isn't my ideal situation I am monogamous and would prefer if he were single but I'm already in love with him and I just fell into this by accident so there's nothing I can do.

I won't try to break them up though, as I feel its extremely unfair to the fiancee. I was in her position before ((with the girl who broke up mine and his relationship)) and I know how it feels, so I wouldn't ever want to put an innocent person through that pain. The rumors were started by him, when we got into one of our frequent fights he told her that just to make sure she wouldn't find out the truth about "us." He's not completely out of my life you see, we've been broken up for 3 years but we still communicate and are "friends."

He was planning a Poly triad with us from the very beginning though so I'm not sure why you think he's uninterested... That 4th party just ruined it all and made him think it'd be too much of a headache to handle when he saw how me and her were fighting so he decided to dump us both and go back to being mono with the fiancee. He's inherently Poly though, mono is not his nature since he's made comments to me on how he can love both me and his fiancee and that he loves us both.

By closed triad, I meant that him and me would be monogamous in the triad. If she wants to that's fine, but I'd be okay if she went outside too. ((Not sure what that means if I want him and me to be Polyfi in the triad but don't care if she is?))
 
How in the world was he planning a triad from the beginning by lying and cheating? Poly is about living honestly and having multiple connections the ethical way, not cheating.

Didn't you say you were dating for months before you found out he was even in another relationship? How did that make YOU feel? What made you decide that an omission that big was okay? He lied to you about having a fiance (not mentioning it might as well be lying in my book). He started rumors about you that made his fiance dislike you. He broke up with you. What are you seeing in this guy? Even if he is the nicest man on the planet 90% of the time, the other 10% he is capable of these hurtful, relationship-ruining things. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who could decide to sabotage the whole thing tomorrow?

I know you've said that his fiance doesn't know that you two had a romantic relationship (and that he specifically lied about it to her). Read around here, one of the things you will see over and over and over again is that poly doesn't work without honesty. Until that can be established, there is no hope.
 
How in the world was he planning a triad from the beginning by lying and cheating? Poly is about living honestly and having multiple connections the ethical way, not cheating.

Didn't you say you were dating for months before you found out he was even in another relationship? How did that make YOU feel? What made you decide that an omission that big was okay? He lied to you about having a fiance (not mentioning it might as well be lying in my book). He started rumors about you that made his fiance dislike you. He broke up with you. What are you seeing in this guy? Even if he is the nicest man on the planet 90% of the time, the other 10% he is capable of these hurtful, relationship-ruining things. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who could decide to sabotage the whole thing tomorrow?

I know you've said that his fiance doesn't know that you two had a romantic relationship (and that he specifically lied about it to her). Read around here, one of the things you will see over and over and over again is that poly doesn't work without honesty. Until that can be established, there is no hope.

He was planning on telling her about us and the triad plan eventually, then the other girl happened and it made him think that Poly was too much trouble. Basically the other girl ruined everything, though I will admit I hated the situation at first too, I felt so guilty that I was having a relationship with a taken man, I hate those kinds of girls even though I realize saying that now is hypocritical.

I never would have fallen in love with him voluntary though, but now I'm stuck. I realize he's not a good guy, I even admit he's a lying womanizing pig, but despite that I still love him. I can't forget all those "firsts."

Besides, I started reading up on poly since he introduced me to it. I've read the Ethical Slut and Opening Up and various Poly groups and forums so after doing a lot of research I've come to be okay with Poly and willing to try it out. I'm sure once I spill everything to the fiancee and even give her my Poly books to borrow, she'll come around to the idea too. Especially since she's highly bisexual.
 
I've got a couple of questions as well.

First off, how can you expect an "open and honest" relationship with someone who was cheating on his fiance with (at least) two other people, and who lied to you about it in the beginning? i guess I'm just not all that sure how you can expect honesty.

Second,from what i understand, you have never met the fiance? I'm not really sure how you are convinced you all could live in a triad, when you don't know the fiance, and she already doesn't like you.

Look, i'm not going to tell you you're wrong, or bad, or whatever, but i am going to tell you this is a seemingly bad start from I've heard.
 
And I'm sure if we all just put our cards on the table, reveal our innermost emotions and have extremely open and honest communication, we can get past the sad past and develop into a healthy triad.

I think you use vocab in diff ways than I do, but alright. Idea is still same.

Takes two to tango. Three to triad. Do they even WANT to play cards? You could ask, but if they say no ACCEPT THAT.

You are in a crazy dance alone here. And if you are wired for mono, why are you pushing on with this fantasy dance without any partners dancing with?

She is not wanting to go there. He isn't. Not from the sound of things where they left off THREE YEARS AGO.

If they DID want to? Prob not with you now, given the history and the cheater-y start. You may be willing to forgive his cheater-y start, but she might not. He may not forgive himself. So... it's not just about YOU here.

Yeah, you feel you love him. Awesome. Feel what you feel when you feel it! But we don't need to ACT on every feeling. Basically to me you sound young 20's. Like feeling something means we MUST act on it and make it so!

There are many Right Ones. It's not like he's the one and only Right One For You. He was a Maybe (?) Right One but Wrong Time. Move on, seek Right One at This Right Time. Can't move on alone? Seek counseling.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or for life. He's not sounding like a lifer, he was a seaonal. And honestly? A cheatery start like that? Not good raw material there for mono BF *OR* a poly one! I'd be kinda worried about your health here -- you are not seeing clear, you have cloudy vision.

I mean that kindly -- please don't hurt yourself running through fog! :(

GalaGirl
 
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Second,from what i understand, you have never met the fiance? I'm not really sure how you are convinced you all could live in a triad, when you don't know the fiance, and she already doesn't like you.

This.

Personally, I would be pissed beyond belief if someone was obsessed with my boyfriend and willing to live with and f*ck me just because I'm part of the package. I would never trust either of you, and I would resent both you horning in on my relationship, and also my boyfriend for being a part of it.

Can you not see how incredibly disrespectful this is? Besides the fact that you think you can *make* her poly, you're not even trying to make her poly because you're into HER, you just want her fiance.

I think you're either incredibly naive or self-delusional if you think lending her your books and presenting your sordid history with her fiance is going to cause her to suddenly want to be in a relationship with you.

Cut your losses, take some time and space to grow up a little, and open yourself up to those people out there who can love you with the honesty and dignity you deserve.
 
He was planning on telling her about us and the triad plan eventually, then the other girl happened and it made him think that Poly was too much trouble. Basically the other girl ruined everything, though I will admit I hated the situation at first too, I felt so guilty that I was having a relationship with a taken man, I hate those kinds of girls even though I realize saying that now is hypocritical.
OK, there is a definite issue of perspective here.

This idea of "I'll get into another relationship, then, when it works out, I will tell my current partner" - that is lying and cheating, and it a betrayal of their relationship. Expecting that she would magically accept it all and you all three would live happily ever after was a pipe-dream on his part.

This fourth girl was NOT the person who ruined it all, in my opinion - HE did, by starting the whole thing off on the basis of lying and cheating with his existing partner. That is pretty much totally opposite of what polyamory is all about. In fact, I would actually thank the fourth girl for what she did (even though her motives may have been less than pure), because this would NOT have worked out and would have caused you far more pain and effort than you are going through right now.

OK, back to the original post - you asked for advice... well, here is mine:
This will never work out with him and her. You need to walk away and get on with your life, and not spend any more energy trying to make something work that is doomed. Or you can choose to be his "bit on the side" while he lies to his main partner.
 
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ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.
 
I very much agree with everyone else has posted here. It seems like you're wholly concerned about what YOU want and not about what they want and what would be most beneficial. Sometimes moving on is the best thing you can do for a person, especially if you love them and continuing to seek them will cause them trouble and pain.

As well as this, this particular comment disturbs me:

I'm sure once I spill everything to the fiancee and even give her my Poly books to borrow, she'll come around to the idea too. Especially since she's highly bisexual.

Why on earth do you think that being bisexual makes her more likely to be open to Poly? I know a very large number of 'highly bisexual' women who are definately not open to poly.
 
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ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.

Ahhhh, well, thank God! (or deity of your choice). I wanted to reach through the computer and strangle someone! LOL
 
ADMIN NOTE:
Thread has been reopened in the event that discussion wants to continue for the sake of discussion.

OP however was a sock puppet and has been punted for trolling.


Thank goodness. I was expecting her next post to be that maybe by boiling their daughter's bunny she could convince the two of them they want to be in a triad with her. :eek:
 
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