Commitment Ceremonies/Weddings

jen8239

New member
My partners and I are planning on having a wedding/commitment ceremony in September and are having trouble searching for a wedding officiant. Has anyone had a commitment ceremony and if so how did you find a person to preform the ceremony? This is the most important first step for us in planning our special day. Any help would be greatly appreciated! :D
 
When I used to entertain fantasies of being married, I thought about this a lot. I went on a date to a wedding once, and we met the minister after, at the reception. She had only met the couple the night before, and was showing us a book she had of different ceremonies (it was a beautiful leather notebook). It made me feel very sad. I realized that I would never want to be married by someone who didn't know me, and likely they would have to know me pretty well.

Since your commitment isn't going to be legally recognized, and not likely recognized by any religious institution, you could have anyone do it. Do the three of you have some dear friend? If you were considering having someone be a best man or maid of honor, perhaps it would be better to have them officiate. It's easy enough to be ordained by the Universal Life Church (I am. I am also ordained by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (parmesan be upon him) which I absolutely love, and I think would be perfect for a poly commitment). If ordination is the sort of thing that's important to you.

You could search for wedding ceremonies on-line, and you could even conduct your own. You could have each one, in turn, read whatever, and make your promises to each other. When my mom and step-dad got married, they had the congregation affirm their support for the union, in a sort of call and response. I absolutely adored that, and should I ever, I want to incorporate that.
 
I would think any officiant who does commitment ceremonies (if same-sex marriage isn't legal where you live) would probably be open to this. A lot of UU churches are poly-friendly so if there is a UU congregation near you, that may be an avenue to look into.

For our wedding we did a semi-traditional Christian ceremony, but also had a handfasting in the middle of it. The pastor wasn't familiar with that (shocking, right?) so we had the best man (his cousin) do the actual tying while the maid of honor (my sister) read the meaning of everything that was going on.

So, it depends on whether you want it to be someone ordained or not. Since it isn't going to be legally recognized that isn't really required and you can pick someone who knows you very well to personalize it. There is all kinds of info online about various ceremony styles so that you and/or the chosen officiant can choose aspects that fit you.
 
Since your commitment isn't going to be legally recognized, and not likely recognized by any religious institution, you could have anyone do it. Do the three of you have some dear friend?

Agree. Anyone you know who's a good public speaker and/or very eloquent? That'd be the only criteria, I'd imagine.
 
I agree, anyone you care about, who speaks well to officiate.
There are many ceremony resources online

My Sunshine and I used to be altar boys (ok, I was the first girl so they changed it to "mass servers"), so I hope to persuade our former priest to officiate.. he left the priesthood to get married himself, so he may be up to it... (I hope, I won't ask until after my divorce & annulment are in, though Sunshine will still also be happily married)
 
Handfasting. . . alternatives to traditional wedding. . .advice?

So I need some advice from those with knowledge in alternative wedding ceremonies.

I've tried googling and researching but all I seem to be able to find religious, superstition, or wiccan based alternative to traditional marriage.

We want to have a ceremony that simply represents us and our bond and unification with regards to the fact that this is a poly relationship. We do not want to involve any form of religion or superstitions whatsoever.

So here are my questions:

What is a historically accurate Handfasting that does NOT involve wiccan beliefs or the beliefs or any one "religion?" Please keep in mind i know nothing about handfasting other than what i have read via google and so far it just seems silly to me or too intensely "belief" based.

I am french/irish and my fiance is Scottish. . .I'd like to incorporate non-superstition/religion based traditions from these cultures into the ceremony but am very unfamiliar. suggestions?

Are there any other types of alternative ceremonies?

I am not the type of person who likes to make up my own thing lol i am looking for at least a mold to follow that I can tweak with ideas from other ceremonies and put it all into one gorgeous ceremony.

I do know that I will be wearing a traditional wedding dress and my fiance a tux. My husband is still unsure about if he wants a role or not so i need suggestions in that department.

I'm open to any and all suggestions! But let me mention once more that all suggestions should be religion/belief and superstition free. Our ceremony is simply about love and making the commitment to spend our lives together honestly and freely.

Thanks!!!!
 
Here's a few notes & links I put together for my ceremony next year:

http://www.squidoo.com/Handfasting-Wedding-Ritual

The Colours Of Handfasting
In the traditions of Celtic handfasting the couple's wrists are bound together
using ribbons of thirteen different colours.
Each colour has it's own special meaning:

Red: passion, strength, lust, fertility
Orange: encouragement, attraction, kindness, plenty
Yellow: charm, confidence, joy, balance
Green: finances, fertility, charity, prosperity, health
Blue: tranquility, patience, devotion, sincerity
Purple: Power, piety, sanctity, sentimentality
Black: strength, wisdom, vision, success
White: purity, concentration, meditation, peace
Gray: neutrality, canceling, balance
Pink: unity, honor, truth, romance, happiness
Brown: earth, grounding, talent, telepathy, home
Silver: treasure, values, creativity, inspiration
Gold: energy, wealth, intelligence, longevity

http://www.officiantguy.com/handfastingceremony.html
 
You might be interested in reading about marriages that don't require an "official" to preside. Not all states allow such marriages but since you are already married to someone else it seems as though the legality is irrelevant.

My MIL and SIL were both married under a "Quaker license" in Pennsylvania which allows two people to marry themselves without a third party. (Wikipedia article on "Self-uniting Marriage".) Perhaps your husband would be interested in being a narrator / master of ceremonies at such a wedding? Introducing you and explaining the nature of the ceremony, and lending his blessing to the event?

JaneQ
 
Look for Humanist Celebrants (or Officiants) in your area. Most Humanists are secular, although there is a branch of Spiritual Humanists, but the officiants usually write the ceremony according to what you want. Go here to find a Humanist Celebrant: http://humanist-society.org/celebrants/

You could also look for someone affiliated with the Society for Ethical Culture. Go here to find links to local Societies: http://www.nysec.org/links
 
New Husband

I have been proposed to by a couple and look forward to joining them soon. I have been crafting a ceremony with vows and symbols. I would be pleased to hear from other families their experiences and ideas for a new husband ceremony.

In ours, so far, he presents her to me and we three pledge love and respect, then he steps back and my union with her is finalized.

Ideas, scripts, and vow language are welcome
 
Writing vows is so hard, it took me forever to write mine. The kids finally started making fun of me and a suggestion to say "hey I showed up didn't I?" was passed around. So unfortunately I can't help with that....

But I will say congrats!!!!!!!! It sounds very romantic...
 
Hello Harborman,
Welcome to our forum.

I hope your new husband ceremony goes very well. Check out the links nycindie suggested, and let us know if you have any questions.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for those links. The handfasting one is particularly inspiring. The development of vows is proving to be a valuable part of our journey and helps us vocalize feelings and understandings.
 
Thank you for those links. The handfasting one is particularly inspiring. The development of vows is proving to be a valuable part of our journey and helps us vocalize feelings and understandings.
You're welcome. I just wanted to also say that I was married in a Unitarian Church and the pastor gave us a copy of his standard "script" for a marriage ceremony. I took that and adjusted it to what we wanted, and inserted our vows in there. There were certain things he had to leave in, certain things I wanted, and certain things my husband wanted -- in the end we were all happy. So, maybe you can visit a church and ask for a copy of their ceremony, or do an internet search for a template to use as a jumping off point.

One thing I will share about my wedding, which I think could totally work for a wedding of three people: a wine ceremony.

The wine ceremony
My husband had insisted that we both take a sip of wine out of the same glass at some point. I thought it might be a little hokey, but agreed. I then investigated and saw that lots of couples light a "unity candle" together at the wedding, but I think that is even hokier. I am just not a candle person, but I also thought, "Okay we light this thing, but then someone has to blow it out," and all we have is smoke. How anti-climactic, in my opinion. But I realized that having some sort of ritual that the marrying people do as a symbol of their pledges to each other was very appealing to me, so I was glad my hubs suggested the wine.

Drinking wine together, our first sips as married people, it becomes a part of us, and that was meaningful to me. And then it was a lot of fun to look for a special goblet for that, and I did find a beautiful big one with silver and gold details. It was on a little table we had dressed up with flowers during the ceremony before we did the ritual (we married in a small chapel). We bought sweet red wine for it, so it would be okay sitting at room temperature up to that point. And I found a passage that the pastor read while we did that. So, we included that, and to be honest, that is the moment I recall most vividly (and not just because I was worried about spilling red wine on my ivory dress).

It took place after we exchanged vows and rings, but before we were pronounced married. The moment was beautiful, and I could definitely see that type of ritual shared by three people. I just looked my wedding program on my other computer and found what the pastor read:

The Toast to Life" by Kenneth Patton

The years of your lives are as a cup of wine poured out for you to drink. The grapes, when they are pressed, give forth their good juices for the wine. Under the wine press of time, our lives give forth their labor and honor and love.

This cup contains within it the sweet wine of happiness and hope. This same cup, at times, holds the bitter wine of sorrow and despair.

One who drinks deeply of life invites the full range of experience into his or her being.

This cup is symbolic of the pledges you have made to one another to share together the fullness of life.

As you drink from this cup, you acknowledge that your lives, until this moment separate, have become one vessel into which all your sorrows and joys, all your hopes and fears, will be poured, and from which you will receive mutual sustenance.

Many days you will sit at the same table and eat and drink together.

Drink now, and may the cup of your lives be sweet and full to overflowing.​
 
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Instead of a unity candle, my niece and her husband each poured a different color sand into a bottle at the same time, so it all co-mingled. Then I, as the officiant, popped the cork in. It was supposed to be a symbol that although they remain themselves, separate people (by using different colors), they were choosing to blend their lives together. It was really moving, and I could see that working for more-than-two also. :)
 
Hey all,

I found an old thread on this topic (2010ish), but haven't seen anything more recent.

My husband and I have proposed to our girlfriend of one year. (she said yes! :D) We are in the midst of trying to plan a ceremony, but we have nothing. C (husband) wants something more traditional. He thinks it will make it more real for those in attendance. W (fiance) would prefer a getaway on a beach or something. I would prefer something somewhere in the middle.

Questions I have:
1. What kind of readings are recommended? (None of us are religious.)
2. What kinds of vows do you suggest?
3. Does anyone have any unique commitment traditions they would recommend?
4. What about appearance? (I know this one is silly, but what would they three of us wear? Do we have anybody stand with us as a wedding party?)

I'm really just fielding the internet for suggestions, so any help is appreciated!

Thanks!
 
it's your relationship. do anything you want.
 
Not experienced with poly, weddings, but might this help?

1) What's your budget? The traditional wedding isn't wallet friendly. Figure out what is reasonable to spend first, and then work around that.

2) What parts of a wedding matters most to everyone? Get from everyone a list of must-haves before deciding on style. For instance, someone might want to get their hair done all nice at a salon, which needs to be budgeted and accounted for in the overall tone of the wedding. If no one particularly cares for booze, that could go out the window to make room for more desired things. This might work a long way on compromise.

3) Is confirming that this is a relationship the only reason for a traditional wedding? It might be more beneficial to have the reception be causal and the ceremony be formal to get the best of both worlds(Or the opposite, I suppose). But consider making arrangements for time to change, a place to change, and possible travel between the two areas if there are two areas. Also make sure to know how to tell everyone clearly the plan for such if done.

4) Alternatively, figure out if any traditions come from one of the three sides that people want, or might help reinforce the idea of a stable, long term relationship. Something more personal might work then other traditions, unless you happen to be the sort of household to make new traditions.

5) Fancy up the invitations. If you need to reinforce what is going on, put it smack dab on the piece of paper and the save the date card.

6) Invite people from all three families. If they are confused, at least they can be confused together? Consider giving a reading to all three branches if possible.

7) I'd avoid having anyone stand up with you--People might get a little confused. In particular if you are wearing different styles of dresses to account for taste and different appearances. The exception MIGHT be the flower girl or the ring bearer--Some people (and the kids in question) really enjoy this and it's pretty easy to distinguish from the actual participants.
 
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