View Single Post
  #58  
Old 04-15-2015, 06:02 AM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 97
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Can you have a FWB that you are actually friends with? How do you make sure a FWB feels valued and cared for, even while both are clear that it will not progress to a relationship?
OK, monogamous female here dating a poly guy. This will be unpopular, but this is my unfiltered, honest perspective.

I struggle a lot with the man I'm dating not wanting to call me a "girlfriend." Treating me like everything a girlfriend is, but not being able to identify me like that. To him it means something specific. I'm mostly over it... I don't see the big deal over labels like that. But apparently he does.

When I first met him and learned his situation, I learned he had a "girlfriend" who is married and that the married woman's husband has a "girlfriend." He says he regrets using that language because really, I can't let go of the fact that he so comfortably called her his girlfriend. Yet he retracts it now.

I have not figured out how to have this kind of arrangement, where I am not something he can describe.

I find that it's the definitions that trip me up a lot. It's how people use these words, or how you think these words should be used. It's what people think of these words. Me, I don't see the words "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" as serious. I don't see the word "relationship" as serious; because what is it really, if you're close to someone and also sleep with them? How isn't that a relationship?

Just because you use the word "boyfriend" and "relationship," why can't it be to your own terms? I have never viewed "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" as possessive words. I have never viewed myself as being a possession of someone because he calls me his girlfriend, nor have I ever viewed a boyfriend as being a possession of mine because I call him my boyfriend. It means he receives the special attention I wish to give him.

I think it's hard to have this, difficult to have this. I think it's pretty difficult for the other person to understand what you want and to know how to conduct themselves. I don't know how to conduct myself in this place. I don't know how to handle the fact that I have feelings, and he is very significant to me, and he says I'm significant to him.... but what do I do with that? Why can't I shower him with the love and attention I would a boyfriend or a "significant other"?

It takes a very special person to be able to have the ability to deal with this. They should be open to poly, sure. But they also need to have incredibly strong relationship skills. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? I think that's the problem I have with my beau. He doesn't want serious relationships because he lacks the skills... but the kinds of relationships he pursues, especially in that they're multiple (poly), requires such strong skills that it is not possible to just float around in something that is sort of a relationship but isn't.
__________________

Monogamous (in relationships) female.
Open to non-monogamy, learning about poly now.

I'm in a "zig-zag"/"Vee":
In a primary relationship with Kit.
Kit has another partner, Letty, who is married to Trent.
Trent has a partner, Annie.
Reply With Quote