Poly for years, and suddenly jealous in my first committed poly relationship?

I posted here last year, and y'all gave me the most centering, useful advice I could possibly have asked for. Thank you! :) (All those situations have, as most things do in the end, turned out well in their own ways.)

This may be the happiest post I've ever made on this site, so yay! :) I should say beforehand that this all may come across as super serious and awful, but it's not causing a lot of conflict or upset. It's just something that's bothering me about myself that I would like to examine further.

Recently, I've found someone absolutely amazing, someone who is weird in the ways that I am weird, and we seem really compatible on many levels. We both have the feeling that we've been looking for [someone like] each other for a long time.

For the first time in almost two years, I wanted to make it "official." I wanted him to be my boyfriend and for us to make a mutual commitment with agreed-upon rules. And to my great happiness, he was happy to be in a relationship with me. Which still is baffling in the best way to both of us. :D

For the first time in a long time, I'm sleeping with someone and every time we have sex, I can be pretty sure it won't be the last time we get to. It's mindblowingly... normal. And it's very good.

We've been acquainted for two months, having great sex for a month, and in a relationship for about two weeks.

However, here's the problem:

I don't know quite why, but my feelings for him have me getting really jealous. As someone who used to be codependent and monogamous, this disturbs me.

I'm fine with him making out with other people, with or without me there, but when it comes to sex, just the thought makes me feel... well, jealous! I have the sense that this feeling comes from how new this is, along with a few deep-seated insecurities that my newfound vulnerability has pushed to the fore.

He's very much into me and not jealous of anything I might want to do with other people of any gender. He's also said my discomfort is important to him and that if it were important to me, he would be happy being completely monogamous with me. He does admit, though, that he would feel sexually frustrated to have to turn down people he didn't want to turn down, which I understand because I would also feel this way.

So, here's where I need some help from more experienced folk. Please and so very much thank you!

What the heck? Why now? After two years of sleeping around and dating people I liked and not being jealous of their other partners, why am I suddenly acting kind of possessive and icky?

I know poly theory. Compersion is one of my favorite emotions. This feels weird!

Why do I feel compersion when he makes out with other people but jealousy when I think of him having sex with them?

I expected my care for him to trigger the desire to get him laid, and while that is true, the jealousy is blocking the happiness I know could be there.

Can I expect these feelings to go away? Can I hasten their disappearance somehow, or do I have to just wait it out as my neurochemicals and the NRE stop screwing with me?

Is this normal?

How can I accept these feelings without allowing them to trigger harmful thoughts and behaviors?

I'd really appreciate any advice from people who are wiser and more experienced. <3
 
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It seems like the wall of text might be scaring people off? :D Sorry, folks.

Tl;dr:

I'm in a new, committed poly relationship where we're each others' only partners right now. I feel compersion when he kisses other people and jealousy when I think of him having sex with other people.

But I've been poly for two years in more casual relationships without jealousy.

What gives? How can I work through these feelings / change my thinking to help ease them? Should I just wait it out, since the relationship is so new?

I hope this shorter post will garner some responses. :)

Thanks!
 
I have the sense that this feeling comes from how new this is, along with a few deep-seated insecurities that my newfound vulnerability has pushed to the fore.

Sounds like this might be it. I have been having issues with insecurities myself recently - and yeah, I feel vulnerable.
 
Have you considered that it might just be because you are monogamous, you worked through your co dependency issues enough to enjoy casual dating but now you've found the one, you naturally want monogamy because that is what you are wired for. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't need to be fixed in any way. Some people see the actual monogamy part of relationships as a sacrifice, but a necessary one, others don't. I'd argue that those who don't see it as a sacrifice probably have a better chance of successful monogamous relationships but plenty of people live with the sacrifice perfectly happily. You're probably one of those.
 
What the heck? Why now? After two years of sleeping around and dating people I liked and not being jealous of their other partners, why am I suddenly acting kind of possessive and icky?
Because you are in a "new" thing with him now. He is now "committed BF person" and while he's agreed to it and your shared agreements? You have not time spent in this mode to see if he can "deliver" -- the relationship is not secure yet. In this new role, he's new to you. You don't know him very well as "committed BF person." So of course you feel wiggy sometimes. It takes time for the "new normal" to become "old normal."

Every relationship unfolds as it will and with every unfold? It's a new thing again!

Why do I feel compersion when he makes out with other people but jealousy when I think of him having sex with them?

Did previous "committed BF's" not deliver? Where you cheated on? Is it something else? What kind of jealousy is it?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Is it not so much him but his sex partner that wigs you out? The whole "Fear of the unknown stranger?" Could spend some time there sorting it out.

Can I expect these feelings to go away? Can I hasten their disappearance somehow, or do I have to just wait it out as my neurochemicals and the NRE stop screwing with me?

I think it could be a combo of just letting time pass and actively doing things to decrease your anxious, jealous feelings.

Is this normal?

Nothing new under the sun. ;)

How can I accept these feelings without allowing them to trigger harmful thoughts and behaviors?

You decide that is what you want and then adjust your thoughts/behavior to support that decision.

If those thoughts pop up? You purposefully think about something else, or set a time aside to think it all you want and then once thunk and times is up? You let it GO knowing that you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking behavior.

If those temptations to behave harmfully come up? You say NO and choose to behave in a different way -- on purpose.

(I am assuming you are not also having a health condition where the emotional volume goes WAY up. (ex: depression, bipolar, etc). That could mean a different approach than "sit with it, let it pass.")

Galagirl
 
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Have you considered that it might just be because you are monogamous, you worked through your co dependency issues enough to enjoy casual dating but now you've found the one, you naturally want monogamy because that is what you are wired for. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't need to be fixed in any way. Some people see the actual monogamy part of relationships as a sacrifice, but a necessary one, others don't. I'd argue that those who don't see it as a sacrifice probably have a better chance of successful monogamous relationships but plenty of people live with the sacrifice perfectly happily. You're probably one of those.

This is a really good thing to think about! Thank you. I've thought before about whether I might be monogamous, but truly... I'm not. My greatest desire is for a poly family - a triad especially, but I'd also be happy with a V or an N. I think I would prefer to be flexibly polyfi - occasional outside partners but nothing too serious unless we wanted to bring them into the family. I love so many people in so many ways that I don't think my romantic drives are just going to shut off once I have a romantic life partner - and my sex drives certainly won't! (I've already slept with someone else, in fact, which felt good and really just made me want my boyfriend more. :D He had manual sex with a mutual friend of ours and said afterward he just wanted to cuddle with me. :eek:)

Because you are in a "new" thing with him now. He is now "committed BF person" and while he's agreed to it and your shared agreements? You have not time spent in this mode to see if he can "deliver" -- the relationship is not secure yet. In this new role, he's new to you. You don't know him very well as "committed BF person." So of course you feel wiggy sometimes. It takes time for the "new normal" to become "old normal."

This is just what I needed to hear. Thank you. :)

Did previous "committed BF's" not deliver? Where you cheated on? Is it something else? What kind of jealousy is it?

It's the visceral, purely emotional kind... an instinctive response, and I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from, but it feels like it's coming from fear that his feelings will change upon sleeping with other people? It doesn't make rational sense... except...

In the past, I've dated people I liked a lot who said they were very into me but it turned out they were not being completely honest with themselves and/or me. I think this situation is a bit difficult for me in that sense. I need time to believe he's not going to leave me for a silly reason, though he's given me know reason to think he will. In fact, he's already the kindest, most affectionate, and most attentive boyfriend I've ever had.

Is it not so much him but his sex partner that wigs you out? The whole "Fear of the unknown stranger?" Could spend some time there sorting it out.

His potential partner is a close friend of mine, but yeah, it's been awhile since we've had a good talk. We've also been disagreeing on some important things lately (I'm a feminist and she doesn't identify as such, and she says some real bullshit). That said, I would like to get to know her better again, both emotionally and sexually, because I think she's changed a lot recently and let go of a lot of monogamous myths she'd held onto. I like her as a person.

There's another potential partner that is into both of us and whom we're both into, and I'd love to sleep with her together, too. :)

I think it could be a combo of just letting time pass and actively doing things to decrease your anxious, jealous feelings.

Nothing new under the sun. ;)

Yeah, in the past couple of days we've been more communicative about feelings and he's told me some really hot detailed stories of people he's kissed and such, and it's helped a lot! Making it not be so unknown and scary is a really good thing.

Thanks for helping me normalize these feelings for myself. :)

You let it GO knowing that you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking behavior.

(I am assuming you are not also having a health condition where the emotional volume goes WAY up. (ex: depression, bipolar, etc). That could mean a different approach than "sit with it, let it pass.")

I do struggle with anxiety and occasionally depression, but I'm pretty neurotypical at this point in time. I am, however, under a lot of stress right now. It's harder to control my own thoughts, but that is a very good mantra to hold onto: "You are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking behavior."
 
So, I decided to do something to make things seem less scary, and that is confronting my fears head-on. I invited a friend of mine to join us so he could give her oral with me there. Watching him with her incited little twinges of jealousy but wasn't that scary, honestly.

Then something happened that was both emotionally disturbing and super-enlightening and good. He and I had sex with her there (with my head on her breasts), and afterward we all showered together. I felt cuddly as I usually do after orgasms, but he seemed weirdly disconnected, and it was really upsetting.

After she left, I told him I needed physical contact, and he didn't seem to understand, but after I explained how important it was, he curled up with me.

We talked about how I felt, and he explained that because she's a freshman and therefore may be vulnerable, he'd chosen not to let himself connect emotionally to the situation. What had happened in the threesome between him and me had therefore been "just sex," the kind of purely physical sex he has with people he's not emotionally close to. I had found it so alien because between us, it's never been just sex. He had feelings for me pretty much from the very beginning! So this was the first time we had sex without emotions attached. I hated it. Not doing that again.

Me, I hate purely casual sex because of my brain and hormones and whatever. I only have sex with people I care about as romantic partners or friends. I find it awful to feel weird cuddly feelings toward near strangers, as I have before.

He doesn't feel that way. For him, feelings make sex better, and sex doesn't cause feelings. He's just wired differently, and I didn't understand until now!

Usually our sex is extremely intimate and intensely emotional, so I was disturbed by this sudden unemotional sex with no cuddling after.

And when we talked, I realized... If this is what sex means to him minus feelings, it's actually no big deal. It's like how I view kissing - just bodies, nothing to do with my heart unless I particularly like someone. :)

At some point maybe he'll have feelings for another person, and if/when he does, I'm sure it will be someone really special that I'll care about, too, in whatever way, and we'll get to that when we get to it. But this was really enlightening and explains why he's always been okay with me sleeping with other people and a bit baffled by my insecurities.

In conclusion:
Faced my fears. It was kind of awful even though it was physically pleasant. But now everything makes sense, and I'm pretty sure after I process this I'll give him permission to sleep with our other friend, because suddenly I understand.
 
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So, I decided to do something to make things seem less scary, and that is confronting my fears head-on. I invited a friend of mine to join us so he could give her oral with me there.
Your friend is okay with being used to work out your insecurities? Is she, like your BF, able to have sex without feelings getting involved?

I think she's changed a lot recently and let go of a lot of monogamous myths she'd held onto.

Which myths?
 
Not the approach I would take to gain new understanding of my BF. But you are you and I am me.

If all parties were consenting and happy to be there, then all parties where consenting and happy to be there. *shrug*

GG
 
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Your friend is okay with being used to work out your insecurities? Is she, like your BF, able to have sex without feelings getting involved?

I told her prior to the encounter that I wanted to do it precisely because I was nervous and struggling with jealousy, and she was really sweet about it. :) She seems able to have sex without romantic feelings, yes. She's been sleeping around and exploring a lot recently (including a really hot story involving her giving oral to another person with my BF present! :D). The three of us are all friends, and she likes us as people, and we like her, and we all cuddle a lot in cuddle piles. It's all okay. :)

Which myths?

Well, until this summer she said that penetrative sex was something to only do when she's in love, which is totally fine but had me a little confused by her recent sleeping around upon becoming single. And she used to have a lot of ideas about her worth as a partner being tied to her partner's lack of desire for others, but now she's dating a poly guy who's doing a really good job of introducing her slowly to things. It's good!

Not the approach I would take to gain new understanding of my BF. But you are you and I am me.

If all parties were consenting and happy to be there, then all parties where consenting and happy to be there. *shrug*

GG

Thanks, GG. :) I didn't expect to gain such new clarity, just to face my fear and see it wasn't scary at all. And it was scary, but for a different reason than I expected that actually turned out being fine. :D
 
Thanks, everyone, for your kindness and advice!
 
Your original post led me to look up the definition of COMPERSION. A new word for me, but turns out to be something I have had spotty experience with.

Anyway I found this online while looking for the definition of COMPERSION and thought you might enjoy reading it.

It's much more than a definition. It talks about going THROUGH a jealous episode to the heart of the emotion to find passion...thought provoking and eye opening.

http://www.planetwaves.net/compersion.html
 
Unemotional sex to me is basically like masturbating, using the partner as a sex toy. I am not in the least interested in that. I never did one night stands. I only fucked people I felt interested in emotionally. I didn't need to be entirely in love with them, but had to like them, find them amusing, cute, with some depth to their personalities.

Your bf is, I assume, as young as you are? You're all college students? I assumed this because the casual sex experiment was performed with a "freshman" woman-child.

It is my understanding that at least half of men, especially young ones, barely consider masturbation to be sex. It's just a thing you do to rid yourself of bothersome semen. Seems to me, unemotional sex is just one step away from that.

If your bf likes that kind of thing, or feels he needs it, yet with you, having sex is so much more, this all needs to be explored. It can be affecting your relationship. Like, "The exciting sex we 2 have, when we connect on so many levels, is so much better and fulfilling than the casual sex with random people we both had, or are having. Why do we feel a need for more of that? Habit? Boredom? The thrill of the new?"

Many young men need to rid themselves of semen several times a day. Do you and new bf fuck every day or does he have days where he needs to ejaculate and you're not there? So he just grabs a willing random girl at a bar or in the dorm, or some FWB and goes for it...? I guess random "hooking up" is all the rage with youngsters these days.

Quite often NRE with a new person who has Mr Right or Ms Right potential can make poly people less into dating and searching for others. For myself as soon as I started being poly, I met Ms Right. But I needed to explore others out of curiosity (about them, about my own emotional and sexual tastes after having been in a long term marriage for decades).

Do you kinda sorta wish that, even though you and new bf are both poly, since your relationship is so new and exciting, you could both just focus on each other for a while? Rather than fucking every Tom Dick or Mary that crosses your path?
 
Unemotional sex to me is basically like masturbating, using the partner as a sex toy. I am not in the least interested in that.

Yeah, that kind of sex makes me feel empty. I don't like it - I've been fingered to orgasm by strangers, and it made me feel strange enough that I never went further. The natural chemicals became disturbing to me.

Your bf is, I assume, as young as you are? You're all college students?

Yep, 21.

Do you and new bf fuck every day or does he have days where he needs to ejaculate and you're not there? So he just grabs a willing random girl at a bar or in the dorm, or some FWB and goes for it...? I guess random "hooking up" is all the rage with youngsters these days.

We have sex almost every day - best sex we've ever had. There's only one person other than me that he really wants to sleep with, and that's because they've had a flirtation for awhile. I'm only his third partner, so I think part of this is quite reasonable curiosity.

Do you kinda sorta wish that, even though you and new bf are both poly, since your relationship is so new and exciting, you could both just focus on each other for a while? Rather than fucking every Tom Dick or Mary that crosses your path?

I don't think it has to be a binary thing. We're quite focused on each other, and there are one or two people I want to sleep with, so it's not like he's alone. :) (These people are friends, not just bodies.)

All that said, thank you for bringing up these points! I value your perspective and agree with it in many ways. (Our sex drive is similar, though, so I have to disagree with your gendered discussion! :D)
 
I don't think it has to be a binary thing. We're quite focused on each other, and there are one or two people I want to sleep with, so it's not like he's alone. :) (These people are friends, not just bodies.)

OK, so whats the problem again? You're in love with each other and have frequent sex, but you're both also horny enough and inexperienced enough, you want to explore a few more friends' bodies.

All that said, thank you for bringing up these points! I value your perspective and agree with it in many ways. (Our sex drive is similar, though, so I have to disagree with your gendered discussion! :D)

The thing about masturbation? It's based on a poll I started here about "is masturbation sex?" I was shocked to see how many men didn't think masturbation was actually sex.

As far as having a high sex drive goes, I am aware women's libidos can be as high as men. On average, they aren't. But I'm in the super horny category and I am 58, so take that, Miley Cyrus!
 
A happy update!

We're taking small steps - there are two particular women I know well whom I've given him permission to sleep with.

For now, I've asked him to check in beforehand if I'm around / let me know by text or email if I'm asleep or not around. I've also asked him to come cuddle with me after he's done cuddling with a partner (if he wants to cuddle with them), just to make sure I feel secure. He thinks these things are reasonable (and cute), so I think we're all good.

I'm also working on getting him/us a makeout session with a guy friend of ours who is into both of us. My boyfriend comes from a really conservative environment and suspects he's actually bisexual and intensely repressed without wanting to be. So I'm really excited to help him explore! :)

OK, so whats the problem again? You're in love with each other and have frequent sex, but you're both also horny enough and inexperienced enough, you want to explore a few more friends' bodies.
I'm not inexperienced - I've had a couple dozen sexual partners depending on how you define that. He's only had a handful.

There isn't a problem. The tension and jealousy was coming from my insecurity in this new relationship.

The thing about masturbation? It's based on a poll I started here about "is masturbation sex?" I was shocked to see how many men didn't think masturbation was actually sex.

(An aside: I think masturbation is "sex with myself," but I don't define it as sex. To me, sex is oral or penetration because these things can spread STIs if you do them unprotected. I consider mutual masturbation to be sexual but not sex. It's a personal definition and I definitely support others' definitions for themselves.)

As far as having a high sex drive goes, I am aware women's libidos can be as high as men. On average, they aren't. But I'm in the super horny category and I am 58, so take that, Miley Cyrus!

I range from demisexual to hypersexual depending on a lot of things. (It's similar to how sometimes I'm more into feminine people, sometimes masculine and how I'm sometimes more femme and sometimes soft butch.)
 
Dunno why this stood out to me, but that your boyfriend thinks it's cute, that was the killer moment for me. Things are good when one of you finds the other of you cute. (Same with you being all gleeful about him exploring his sexuality.)

It's the small things that matter, sometimes. Cute? Gleeful? Don't forget that, when the big things seem to be going awry...
 
Dunno why this stood out to me, but that your boyfriend thinks it's cute, that was the killer moment for me. Things are good when one of you finds the other of you cute. (Same with you being all gleeful about him exploring his sexuality.)

It's the small things that matter, sometimes. Cute? Gleeful? Don't forget that, when the big things seem to be going awry...

We often find each other cute. Thank you for being so sweet and for pointing this out. :)
 
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