I am a single female in a triad (I think that is the best way to describe it) with T & W who are married. I met them through swinging and now it has turned into more of a triad, people have come and gone but at the end of the day, we are basically a triad. I do not live with them. In their marriage, they had rules established when it came to swinging and when they started exploring polyamory. They had some glitches in the beginning, they will both tell you they made mistakes but they talked through everything and life seemed to be good. I was really liking where the relationship was going.
Then the you know what hit the fan. W found out that his wife T had been having sex with a guy that was off limits. He was off limits because according to W, he didn't respect their marriage - the rules that they had in place. She never approached W to discuss her continued interest in this guy because she said she knew W would still say no.
In W's mind it's as simple as black and white - she cheated, she broke the rules after everything they had gone through and learned from previous experience. He moved out of the master bedroom, is now in the guestroom. He has threatened divorce or threatened telling her to leave but hasn't acted on it. He keeps saying he needs time and space to see how he feels about it all. He is being cordial and living like they are roomates.
She admits she messed up by lying to him and just wants him to accept that, forgive her and move on. She is not happy with him only being cordial. She admits she lied but keeps wanting to talk to him about what they have is an open marriage and he doesn't have to like who she sleeps with. Or she wants to go back to a time when they first started swinging - that was something they did together and she feels like the problems started when they started delving into polyamory which took them away from each other.
I'm so in the middle obviously. I cheating in my marriage many many years ago so when T talks to me about how she was feeling and shares with me things that were going on in her marriage, and why she chose the off limits guy, I understand where she is coming from - we both made bad choices. W is an awesome man - obviously or I wouldn't be in this relationship but he has some very strong beliefs/ethics or whatever you want to call it and feels that rules in relationships are so important to protect all involved and to not have your heart ripped out. He himself would NEVER stray from these rules. He is an awesome communicator so I understand where he is coming from as well - with all they went through, I don't understand why T did what she did. I'm honestly not sure they are going to be able to fix this. W just gets tough and says that she is lucky he doesn't kick her out and that she of all people should know him well enough to know that blatantly lying to his face (he had suspicions and asked her about a month before she left yahoo chat up on the computer and he saw the conversations and she told him that there was nothing going on) would cause him to want to be done with the marriage.
Anyway, I could go on and on. My dilemma is that T and I have developed a pretty close friendship and she still wants me to come to the house on the weekends. She says that he is more talkative and cordial to her when I'm there. She hopes that me still coming over on the weekends will soften his heart. I have shared with her that I am worried I'm not the best friend for her especially if this doesn't work out between the two of them. She insists that she wants me around - I honestly do want them to work it out if it can be saved - I liked where it was going. I tell her that sometimes I think I should tell W that I'm going to take a step back so they can work on things but she keeps telling me she knows if I do that, he will blame her for me "leaving" him. She trusts me and knows that I have their best interests at heart - which I do but wow am I in the middle.
In the meantime, my and W's relationship is growing stronger and I'm head over heels for him. It's scary though because T is fighting to save things and he just isn't ready for anything from her yet ( if ever) he doesn't know that yet. We have definitely had a role reversal - When I first started dating them, it was clear T was #1 - I respected that 100% and was very comfortable in my role. Now, I'm #1 and T is where I was it seems - he basically insinuated this when he told me that she has to prove to him/us that she would be a good fit for us.
AAAHHHH all I know is that when I get home Sunday nights from being over there for the weekend, I am absolutely exhausted! I want to do right by both of them but am so wrapped up in it, I'm not sure what to do. I'm hoping putting this out there, I'll get some suggestions/understanding/advice - anything that might help me! Thanks!
Then the you know what hit the fan. W found out that his wife T had been having sex with a guy that was off limits. He was off limits because according to W, he didn't respect their marriage - the rules that they had in place. She never approached W to discuss her continued interest in this guy because she said she knew W would still say no.
In W's mind it's as simple as black and white - she cheated, she broke the rules after everything they had gone through and learned from previous experience. He moved out of the master bedroom, is now in the guestroom. He has threatened divorce or threatened telling her to leave but hasn't acted on it. He keeps saying he needs time and space to see how he feels about it all. He is being cordial and living like they are roomates.
She admits she messed up by lying to him and just wants him to accept that, forgive her and move on. She is not happy with him only being cordial. She admits she lied but keeps wanting to talk to him about what they have is an open marriage and he doesn't have to like who she sleeps with. Or she wants to go back to a time when they first started swinging - that was something they did together and she feels like the problems started when they started delving into polyamory which took them away from each other.
I'm so in the middle obviously. I cheating in my marriage many many years ago so when T talks to me about how she was feeling and shares with me things that were going on in her marriage, and why she chose the off limits guy, I understand where she is coming from - we both made bad choices. W is an awesome man - obviously or I wouldn't be in this relationship but he has some very strong beliefs/ethics or whatever you want to call it and feels that rules in relationships are so important to protect all involved and to not have your heart ripped out. He himself would NEVER stray from these rules. He is an awesome communicator so I understand where he is coming from as well - with all they went through, I don't understand why T did what she did. I'm honestly not sure they are going to be able to fix this. W just gets tough and says that she is lucky he doesn't kick her out and that she of all people should know him well enough to know that blatantly lying to his face (he had suspicions and asked her about a month before she left yahoo chat up on the computer and he saw the conversations and she told him that there was nothing going on) would cause him to want to be done with the marriage.
Anyway, I could go on and on. My dilemma is that T and I have developed a pretty close friendship and she still wants me to come to the house on the weekends. She says that he is more talkative and cordial to her when I'm there. She hopes that me still coming over on the weekends will soften his heart. I have shared with her that I am worried I'm not the best friend for her especially if this doesn't work out between the two of them. She insists that she wants me around - I honestly do want them to work it out if it can be saved - I liked where it was going. I tell her that sometimes I think I should tell W that I'm going to take a step back so they can work on things but she keeps telling me she knows if I do that, he will blame her for me "leaving" him. She trusts me and knows that I have their best interests at heart - which I do but wow am I in the middle.
In the meantime, my and W's relationship is growing stronger and I'm head over heels for him. It's scary though because T is fighting to save things and he just isn't ready for anything from her yet ( if ever) he doesn't know that yet. We have definitely had a role reversal - When I first started dating them, it was clear T was #1 - I respected that 100% and was very comfortable in my role. Now, I'm #1 and T is where I was it seems - he basically insinuated this when he told me that she has to prove to him/us that she would be a good fit for us.
AAAHHHH all I know is that when I get home Sunday nights from being over there for the weekend, I am absolutely exhausted! I want to do right by both of them but am so wrapped up in it, I'm not sure what to do. I'm hoping putting this out there, I'll get some suggestions/understanding/advice - anything that might help me! Thanks!