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Old 02-26-2010, 10:35 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default swinger-poly-couple questions

Ok. So. I hope I can write this so it's coherent. I'll try point-form...

- We met 3.25 years ago at a fetish event, I was openly polyamorous, he was just playing the field with no emotional relationships

- As we grow closer, I start feeling like I'd like to close off the relationship while we learn to be a couple and deal with the issues that are normal in any serious/live-together relationship, of which this was a first for both of us

- So we close off the relationship and live monogamously for 3 years

- Fast forward 3 years to January, when things are going really good and solid between us, and I start feeling like I'd like to get back into the "poly waters"

- Over the past week, when I've been spending a lot of time on this forum, he's been really quiet, uncommunicative, and a little bit grumpy... which always tells me that he's got something on his mind that he's not ready to talk about yet.

---side note: he grew up in a dysfunctional family where you weren't allowed to have feelings, never mind talk about them, and even after going through tons of counselling, he still has a lot of trouble talking about how he's feeling and telling me when he has a problem. I can usually tell and I try to give him time to chew it over because he always comes and talks to me when he's ready---

- Finally last night, he tells me what's been on his mind. He's really happy for me to be looking for a girlfriend, but says of himself "I don't know about this whole poly thing" i.e. that he loves me dearly and doesn't have any desire to be in any other romantic relationships

---another side note: he had never had a relationship which lasted longer than 6 months because it was never "worth it" in his mind to deal with problems and emotions, he would just bail. But with me, with the connection we share, all of that changed and he has learned and grown so much in terms of dealing with my "very emotiveness" and in terms of him allowing himself to have emotions. So at the extreme opposite of polyamorous I would have called him "nonamorous" before we got together and "monoamorous" now---

- last night, he told me that he's been thinking about and desiring to have casual sex with strangers. Aside from the "how safe are condoms really" issue, I have some concerns, mainly:

- I'm concerned about the "psychological health" of random, detached sex with strangers. In my mind, that was something he did when he was an emotionally unhealthy person with low self-esteem and he used sex as a way to feel better about himself via his ability to please women

- I'm a wee bit irked that this comes on the heels of our relationship growing out of the honeymoon stage, where having a fulfilling sexual relationship now requires a little more effort to create the mood, find the energy, etc... And when I've been saying for the past few months that although I am satisfied with our sex life, I would love it if we had sex more often. So part of me is feeling like "how come you want to have sex with other people when I'm wanting to have more sex with you"

- I'm also wondering if any of his desire is triggered by my wanting to get back into a polyamorous lifestyle and him feeling envious that I would get more relationships, but that since he doesn't want more "relationships" he's responding by wanting sex with strangers, since that was basically his M.O. before we got together

Any thoughts, feelings, opinions etc that anyone can offer will be greatly appreciated. Don't pull any punches, I want to consider everything with an open mind.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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