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  #11  
Old 09-30-2013, 05:20 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Thanks, everyone, for your kindness and advice!
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Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #12  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:21 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Your original post led me to look up the definition of COMPERSION. A new word for me, but turns out to be something I have had spotty experience with.

Anyway I found this online while looking for the definition of COMPERSION and thought you might enjoy reading it.

It's much more than a definition. It talks about going THROUGH a jealous episode to the heart of the emotion to find passion...thought provoking and eye opening.

http://www.planetwaves.net/compersion.html
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  #13  
Old 10-03-2013, 12:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Unemotional sex to me is basically like masturbating, using the partner as a sex toy. I am not in the least interested in that. I never did one night stands. I only fucked people I felt interested in emotionally. I didn't need to be entirely in love with them, but had to like them, find them amusing, cute, with some depth to their personalities.

Your bf is, I assume, as young as you are? You're all college students? I assumed this because the casual sex experiment was performed with a "freshman" woman-child.

It is my understanding that at least half of men, especially young ones, barely consider masturbation to be sex. It's just a thing you do to rid yourself of bothersome semen. Seems to me, unemotional sex is just one step away from that.

If your bf likes that kind of thing, or feels he needs it, yet with you, having sex is so much more, this all needs to be explored. It can be affecting your relationship. Like, "The exciting sex we 2 have, when we connect on so many levels, is so much better and fulfilling than the casual sex with random people we both had, or are having. Why do we feel a need for more of that? Habit? Boredom? The thrill of the new?"

Many young men need to rid themselves of semen several times a day. Do you and new bf fuck every day or does he have days where he needs to ejaculate and you're not there? So he just grabs a willing random girl at a bar or in the dorm, or some FWB and goes for it...? I guess random "hooking up" is all the rage with youngsters these days.

Quite often NRE with a new person who has Mr Right or Ms Right potential can make poly people less into dating and searching for others. For myself as soon as I started being poly, I met Ms Right. But I needed to explore others out of curiosity (about them, about my own emotional and sexual tastes after having been in a long term marriage for decades).

Do you kinda sorta wish that, even though you and new bf are both poly, since your relationship is so new and exciting, you could both just focus on each other for a while? Rather than fucking every Tom Dick or Mary that crosses your path?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #14  
Old 10-04-2013, 01:10 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Unemotional sex to me is basically like masturbating, using the partner as a sex toy. I am not in the least interested in that.
Yeah, that kind of sex makes me feel empty. I don't like it - I've been fingered to orgasm by strangers, and it made me feel strange enough that I never went further. The natural chemicals became disturbing to me.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Your bf is, I assume, as young as you are? You're all college students?
Yep, 21.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Do you and new bf fuck every day or does he have days where he needs to ejaculate and you're not there? So he just grabs a willing random girl at a bar or in the dorm, or some FWB and goes for it...? I guess random "hooking up" is all the rage with youngsters these days.
We have sex almost every day - best sex we've ever had. There's only one person other than me that he really wants to sleep with, and that's because they've had a flirtation for awhile. I'm only his third partner, so I think part of this is quite reasonable curiosity.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Do you kinda sorta wish that, even though you and new bf are both poly, since your relationship is so new and exciting, you could both just focus on each other for a while? Rather than fucking every Tom Dick or Mary that crosses your path?
I don't think it has to be a binary thing. We're quite focused on each other, and there are one or two people I want to sleep with, so it's not like he's alone. (These people are friends, not just bodies.)

All that said, thank you for bringing up these points! I value your perspective and agree with it in many ways. (Our sex drive is similar, though, so I have to disagree with your gendered discussion! )
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #15  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I don't think it has to be a binary thing. We're quite focused on each other, and there are one or two people I want to sleep with, so it's not like he's alone. (These people are friends, not just bodies.)
OK, so whats the problem again? You're in love with each other and have frequent sex, but you're both also horny enough and inexperienced enough, you want to explore a few more friends' bodies.

Quote:
All that said, thank you for bringing up these points! I value your perspective and agree with it in many ways. (Our sex drive is similar, though, so I have to disagree with your gendered discussion! )
The thing about masturbation? It's based on a poll I started here about "is masturbation sex?" I was shocked to see how many men didn't think masturbation was actually sex.

As far as having a high sex drive goes, I am aware women's libidos can be as high as men. On average, they aren't. But I'm in the super horny category and I am 58, so take that, Miley Cyrus!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #16  
Old 10-08-2013, 06:21 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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A happy update!

We're taking small steps - there are two particular women I know well whom I've given him permission to sleep with.

For now, I've asked him to check in beforehand if I'm around / let me know by text or email if I'm asleep or not around. I've also asked him to come cuddle with me after he's done cuddling with a partner (if he wants to cuddle with them), just to make sure I feel secure. He thinks these things are reasonable (and cute), so I think we're all good.

I'm also working on getting him/us a makeout session with a guy friend of ours who is into both of us. My boyfriend comes from a really conservative environment and suspects he's actually bisexual and intensely repressed without wanting to be. So I'm really excited to help him explore!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, so whats the problem again? You're in love with each other and have frequent sex, but you're both also horny enough and inexperienced enough, you want to explore a few more friends' bodies.
I'm not inexperienced - I've had a couple dozen sexual partners depending on how you define that. He's only had a handful.

There isn't a problem. The tension and jealousy was coming from my insecurity in this new relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
The thing about masturbation? It's based on a poll I started here about "is masturbation sex?" I was shocked to see how many men didn't think masturbation was actually sex.
(An aside: I think masturbation is "sex with myself," but I don't define it as sex. To me, sex is oral or penetration because these things can spread STIs if you do them unprotected. I consider mutual masturbation to be sexual but not sex. It's a personal definition and I definitely support others' definitions for themselves.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
As far as having a high sex drive goes, I am aware women's libidos can be as high as men. On average, they aren't. But I'm in the super horny category and I am 58, so take that, Miley Cyrus!
I range from demisexual to hypersexual depending on a lot of things. (It's similar to how sometimes I'm more into feminine people, sometimes masculine and how I'm sometimes more femme and sometimes soft butch.)
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Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #17  
Old 10-09-2013, 12:54 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Dunno why this stood out to me, but that your boyfriend thinks it's cute, that was the killer moment for me. Things are good when one of you finds the other of you cute. (Same with you being all gleeful about him exploring his sexuality.)

It's the small things that matter, sometimes. Cute? Gleeful? Don't forget that, when the big things seem to be going awry...
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  #18  
Old 10-09-2013, 05:16 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
Dunno why this stood out to me, but that your boyfriend thinks it's cute, that was the killer moment for me. Things are good when one of you finds the other of you cute. (Same with you being all gleeful about him exploring his sexuality.)

It's the small things that matter, sometimes. Cute? Gleeful? Don't forget that, when the big things seem to be going awry...
We often find each other cute. Thank you for being so sweet and for pointing this out.
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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