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  #31  
Old 11-21-2013, 12:09 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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And then we had a strange-and-sort-of-a-fight, and then the next day when I was being understanding, he spilled the beans;

he does not quite understand polyamory and is concerned for the future of our V. He talked about that he does not want to get my feelings hurt - I guess he meant himself too..! He asked me if I was not taking away love that my husband should have, by giving him love. And that there could not be a future for a relationship like this. I told him details of my road into polyamory. I explained to him that love can flow from one person to another. It was kind of hard and personal to explain it to him. I guess it is also hard to grasp when you are used to thinking along the lines of monogamy. And I said that it is up to the three of us to decide if we want to be together in the future, and how. I felt both happy and exhausted after our skype call today 'cause I was getting paranoid thinking he was on the verge on breaking up...which he is not. And now I am happy because I decided once I get money I will go see him!!
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  #32  
Old 11-21-2013, 02:02 AM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is online now
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Your conversation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like the things I feel in regards to my relationship. I'm in a relationship with a married women and I knew the situation going in. Problem is that I'm having a hard time not only "sharing" her with her husband but also feeling like I can maintain feelings for my wife as well as my girlfriend. Maybe Poly isn't for me but I'm in love with my girlfriend so there is really no going back now.
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  #33  
Old 11-21-2013, 02:24 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
Your conversation with your boyfriend sounds a lot like the things I feel in regards to my relationship. I'm in a relationship with a married women and I knew the situation going in. Problem is that I'm having a hard time not only "sharing" her with her husband but also feeling like I can maintain feelings for my wife as well as my girlfriend. Maybe Poly isn't for me but I'm in love with my girlfriend so there is really no going back now.
I don't know. My boyfriend is mono. He really likes my husband and always says he is the nicest man. He does not mind to share me the situations being what it is, it is more that he feels that I have obligations towards my husband and is afraid he is sort of interfering in that respect. I think I explained to him that it is almost the opposite! I also told him I am not looking for any more people (I imagine he has worried about this). He has been very brave and open so far, and now he is learning even more.

My husband have some of the problems you are describing; loosing focus on one person when you are with another. He can get quite full of NRE shit! We have had some issues with that in that past. I have told him he has to maintain a relationship with me regardless. The problem is really that he is so full of feelings. But if he enters a relationship I guess he will have to cope..

I really don't feel any of that, of course I have to make adjustments with time and such to cater to both relationships (and my alone time, and gym, and friends...) but I don't have any problems "carriying my feelings" for the both of them. My husband always ask: "Is it not hard?" but it really is not; I feel so furfilled having them both in my life. Of course I think a little more of my boyfriend these days but I too see my husband for the wonderful man that he is.
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  #34  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like he needs reassurance and what is expected of him and what is NOT expected of him clarified. It's early days yet -- the "new normal" will feel weird until ti becomes "old normal."

Quote:
he does not quite understand polyamory.
What does he need to gain understanding? Resources? More talks?

Quote:
He is concerned for the future of our V.
Such as...? Can he list his concerns specifically?

Quote:
He talked about that he does not want to get my feelings hurt - I guess he meant himself too..!
Feelings happen. Yummy or yucky ones. If he def does not want to risk getting either yummy or yucky ones in this V, he could not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help? You both are sometimes sounding like "aaaahhh! a conflict! Will s/he dump me?" sounding lately. Could chill.

Quote:
He asked me if I was not taking away love that my husband should have, by giving him love.
How does BF "measure" love? And who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs? BF or you?

Quote:
he feels that I have obligations towards my husband and is afraid he is sort of interfering in that respect.
What behavior does BF do that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if husband told him all is fine with husband?

Quote:
And that there could not be a future for a relationship like this.
What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?
Quote:
And I said that it is up to the three of us to decide if we want to be together in the future, and how.
Yes and no.
  • No -- it is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
  • But if all are in? Then yes, all could co-create the agreements for how they want to be together. Including how to break up decently if the polyship needs to end.

Knowing what is going on, what is expected/not expected can help reduce anxiety.
Galagirl
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  #35  
Old 11-21-2013, 10:07 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like he needs reassurance and what is expected of him and what is NOT expected of him clarified. It's early days yet -- the "new normal" will feel weird until ti becomes "old normal."

What does he need to gain understanding? Resources? More talks?

Such as...? Can he list his concerns specifically?

Feelings happen. Yummy or yucky ones. If he def does not want to risk getting either yummy or yucky ones in this V, he could not participate.

Feeling things is part of the price of admission. Perhaps getting more confident about how to work through feelings and resolve conflict could help? You both are sometimes sounding like "aaaahhh! a conflict! Will s/he dump me?" sounding lately. Could chill.

How does BF "measure" love? And who is responsible for meeting your husband's needs? BF or you?

What behavior does BF do that he thinks is interfering? Would it help if husband told him all is fine with husband?

What future is he hoping for that cannot happen?

Yes and no.
  • No -- it is up to each individual to decide if they are willing to participate. Nobody can be forced.
  • But if all are in? Then yes, all could co-create the agreements for how they want to be together. Including how to break up decently if the polyship needs to end.

Knowing what is going on, what is expected/not expected can help reduce anxiety.
Galagirl
Well, it is early - and this is my first real poly relationship too - so it is a bit new to me and my husband as well. We don't "expect" anything, we just want to show him poly can be done and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.

BF definetely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, he talked a LOT about poly with my husband today while I was away at a meeting. BF has felt that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it is not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (my sharing me), but my husband told him he is ok sharing and that they both make me (and my hb) happy.

Before, he told me that he is sad that he cannot marry me, I guess he also wants children and are afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future-talks, to see what we want and what can be done.

We are in different parts of the world - and know the distance can not be closed for years. This alone make people in love freak. He is a mono who does not understand what poly is about. I have bad experience dating mono people with blurry minds. Chilling after getting buttons pushed is possible when you see what is happening in the other person's head/get some real connection - which we are both/all trying to acheive, over a couple of seas.

I think most of his concerns related to him being unfamiliar wity poly. All the things that are on his mind relate to "gentlemanship" that he thinks he might step down as so to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one ("real") love.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-21-2013 at 10:34 PM.
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  #36  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:21 AM
Spock Spock is offline
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This is something my wife are still trying to figure out; you can trivially love two people, or more, but how do you get enough time in the day to cultivate the relationships to their fullest?

It's like trying to grow a dozen apple trees in an average sized back yard. There will only be room for 4 within a decade. My wife has tried dating and it looks like she can make a couple dates a month, and that of course is wholly in satisfying for R2. We barely have time for overnights ourselves, what with two kids, so it's kind of unfortunately ironic when he asked if that was a possibility.

It's a struggle to get to kids to bed by 9pm and then spending a little time together before we fall asleep and then have to be up by 6am. Maybe that's worth a thread itself.
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  #37  
Old 11-22-2013, 04:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
We don't "expect" anything, we just want to show him poly can be done and that he is an equal partner, if he wants to be.
Really? You have NO behavior expectations?

Then HOW can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?

You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.

What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or toward husband?

Quote:
BF definetely needs more talks. He told me he was a bit afraid to discuss it with my husband, but after I told him yesterday he need not be, he talked a LOT about poly with my husband today while I was away at a meeting. BF has felt that he should not demand too much, especially in regards to the future, but my husband told him it is not like that. Also, BF was worried that my husband was not getting the best (my sharing me), but my husband told him he is ok sharing and that they both make me (and my hb) happy.
There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him and not just be sitting around in a funk in self isolation. Just TELL what's on his mind already. See? Expectations of behavior -- so the polyship can run more smoothly. Nobody can be a mind reader.

Could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to DO ___ behaviors or NOT DO ____ behaviors. Especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive. Maybe he wants to hear the "all clear" so he can be more confident in disclosing?

Quote:
Before, he told me that he is sad that he cannot marry me, I guess he also wants children and are afraid that is not possible with me. I think we are all ready for more future-talks, to see what we want and what can be done.
Yup. Could talk more. It is also possible to consider he marries someone else while remaining in polyship with you. The spouse could be poly or poly-friendly. Really BF could articulate what his preferences are or could be in time. Again... nobody is a mind reader.

Quote:
We are in different parts of the world - and know the distance can not be closed for years. This alone make people in love freak.
Yup. Distance it what it is.
Quote:
I think most of his concerns related to him being unfamiliar wity poly. All the things that are on his mind relate to "gentlemanship" that he thinks he might step down as so to "rescue" our marriage. This is normal mono thinking, to think that all things must end with one ("real") love.
Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a monoship format and his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared. Experiment tried, results are what they are.

If he needs to call it "step back and rescue your marriage" rather than "leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others?

If his preference it for monoshipping? Simply just not compatible. Like the distance thing... it is what it is.

Could talk and sort yourselves out. You could pay extra attention to not just the verbal -- but the paraverbal and the nonverbal communication here. Esp if he's not great and just spitting out whatever it is verbally. Ask clarifying questions.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-22-2013 at 04:19 AM.
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  #38  
Old 11-22-2013, 01:56 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
This is something my wife are still trying to figure out; you can trivially love two people, or more, but how do you get enough time in the day to cultivate the relationships to their fullest?
For now; by not having kids. Later on, I am prepared to sacrifice other things.
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  #39  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:15 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Really? You have NO behavior expectations?

Then HOW can you show him that poly can be done and that he is an equal partner?

You seem to expect your DH to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.
You seem to expect yourself to behave politely and welcoming to the BF.

What do you expect from the BF's behavior toward you or toward husband?

There you seem to expect the BF to disclose what's going on with him and not just be sitting around in a funk in self isolation. Just TELL what's on his mind already. See? Expectations of behavior -- so the polyship can run more smoothly. Nobody can be a mind reader.

Could tell the BF straight up that you expect him to DO ___ behaviors or NOT DO ____ behaviors. Especially when he's not sounding particularly assertive. Maybe he wants to hear the "all clear" so he can be more confident in disclosing?

Yup. Could talk more. It is also possible to consider he marries someone else while remaining in polyship with you. The spouse could be poly or poly-friendly. Really BF could articulate what his preferences are or could be in time. Again... nobody is a mind reader.

Yup. Distance it what it is.

Or he could step down because he has found his preference really is for relating in a monoship format and his preference is to wind up with one love, unshared. Experiment tried, results are what they are.

If he needs to call it "step back and rescue your marriage" rather than "leave so I can be free from discomfort" -- no matter. Maybe it is his personality to not assert himself and couch everything in terms of others?

If his preference it for monoshipping? Simply just not compatible. Like the distance thing... it is what it is.

Could talk and sort yourselves out. You could pay extra attention to not just the verbal -- but the paraverbal and the nonverbal communication here. Esp if he's not great and just spitting out whatever it is verbally. Ask clarifying questions.

Galagirl
Of course I - and my husband - have certain things that we prefer, or wish for. But we can never make anyone do anything. That is why I wrote that we don't expect him to do things. Hell, I did not even expect him to be with me, which was kind of why I jumped off my seat the second I thought he might be thinking of the door. Whatever preference I have, I tell him when I think of them, and encourage him to do the same.

Yes, it is his personality to not assert himself and to think of others. He is very aware of that himself, and proud of it. I try to show him it is ok for him to speak of his own needs, too.

No, he does not consider marrying someone else while in a poly relationship with me. He would consider meeting/marrying someone else if we broke up (which he does not intend to do). There is not a community of poly friendly people where he lives. I also doubt he is interested in pursuing two relationships at once. I think he somehow want to marry me or at least live with me, and have children by me.

I think I am a little more than an experiment to him; he has spent our time together telling me I am the love of his life.

Mono and poly can be compatible; I know V's where both the ends are mono and just the hinge is poly, it can be done. He says he would prefer to have met me before I married, but that he is willing to try this life because I mean so much to him. He also says that I have already given him much more than he has gotten in previous mono relationships, that he feels seen and cared for.

Nonverbial communication says often more than words, this is why Skype and similar is vital, so that body language is not lost. Next time we will just cancel if the net is not working well enough to use Skype. Also, we agreed to postphone our "big discussions" to when we meet in person.

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 11-22-2013 at 02:29 PM.
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