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  #91  
Old 01-11-2014, 09:54 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by CuriouslyPoly View Post
How about you call it what you want. :|

Honestly I don't.
Wow - of course your views on sex are up to you. I feel a bit sad for you, though. How limiting for you. Ethical, consensual sexual expression between people has a vast capacity for variety. I see beauty in that. Also freedom.

I was single and didn't have sex with other people for years. I don't like casual sex and I didn't want to get into a relationship - I had other things to do with my life. I was blissfully and intentionally single for 7 years. I did, however, have a varied and fulfilling sex life with somebody I love very much - myself.

I have a partner now and I'm very glad that he has a similar view on sex as a very broad activity - something that makes me very happy. I quite like penetrative sex but it's not my favourite way of having sex and I'm pleased to have a male partner who sees things that way.

On a broader, slightly political point, I dislike that we are as a society so fixated on penetrative sex between men and women as being the only way to properly have sex. I think it's broadly limiting. It allows denial that 2 people of the same gender can have sex with each other. Sex between women then becomes mysterious and not talked about. Something to be suspicious of - leaving the door open for bullying and intimidation.

The damage may be less obvious for heterosexual men and women but I think it's just as bad. Many people go through their lives believing that if they don't have a partner they can't have a good sex life - leading some folk to go through a lifetime of unfulfilling or traumatic romantic relationships. Or feeling sad, lonely and not good enough if they are unable to find somebody to have a romantic relationship with.

Even people with partners. Some men have problems with erectile dysfunction at various times in their life. For anybody who feels that penetrative sex is the only way to have sex, that's got to be traumatic. This article goes into it in some detail. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/ed-co...sexual-reality

This ongoing believe about penetrative sex being more 'properly' sex than other forms of sex is incredibly damaging for lots of people. I think it encourages people to be in relationships that they'd be better of not being in - lots and lots of them. I think it opens the door to abuse for anybody who is unable to have 'proper' sex with their partner. I also think that it destroys intimacy between people who have an expectation of being able to have 'proper' sex.

I'd very much like to see people free themselves from what is very limiting belief.
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  #92  
Old 01-11-2014, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Wow - of course your views on sex are up to you. I feel a bit sad for you, though. How limiting for you. Ethical, consensual sexual expression between people has a vast capacity for variety. I see beauty in that. Also freedom.

I was single and didn't have sex with other people for years. I don't like casual sex and I didn't want to get into a relationship - I had other things to do with my life. I was blissfully and intentionally single for 7 years. I did, however, have a varied and fulfilling sex life with somebody I love very much - myself.

I have a partner now and I'm very glad that he has a similar view on sex as a very broad activity - something that makes me very happy. I quite like penetrative sex but it's not my favourite way of having sex and I'm pleased to have a male partner who sees things that way.

On a broader, slightly political point, I dislike that we are as a society so fixated on penetrative sex between men and women as being the only way to properly have sex. I think it's broadly limiting. It allows denial that 2 people of the same gender can have sex with each other. Sex between women then becomes mysterious and not talked about. Something to be suspicious of - leaving the door open for bullying and intimidation.

The damage may be less obvious for heterosexual men and women but I think it's just as bad. Many people go through their lives believing that if they don't have a partner they can't have a good sex life - leading some folk to go through a lifetime of unfulfilling or traumatic romantic relationships. Or feeling sad, lonely and not good enough if they are unable to find somebody to have a romantic relationship with.

Even people with partners. Some men have problems with erectile dysfunction at various times in their life. For anybody who feels that penetrative sex is the only way to have sex, that's got to be traumatic. This article goes into it in some detail. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/ed-co...sexual-reality

This ongoing believe about penetrative sex being more 'properly' sex than other forms of sex is incredibly damaging for lots of people. I think it encourages people to be in relationships that they'd be better of not being in - lots and lots of them. I think it opens the door to abuse for anybody who is unable to have 'proper' sex with their partner. I also think that it destroys intimacy between people who have an expectation of being able to have 'proper' sex.

I'd very much like to see people free themselves from what is very limiting belief.
I personally don't 'define my sexuality', I understand that many people want to do that to feel a sense of 'community' and things 'in common or sharing with others', but I don't think you need to 'label' your sexuality to do that.~

The same thing with polyamory, I don't call what I do 'polyamory', why should I label any thing?~

The same for 'nudism', I don't call myself a 'nudist', why should I label accepting myself?~ I was not born with 'clothes', they are things I 'put-on' and I 'take-off', I take off my 'clothes' and I am simply me.~

Labeling: That only makes me feel constricted and confined by some kind of invisible metaphoric 'box'.~

I am just me, I like what I like, I don't like what I don't like, and I am who I am.~
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  #93  
Old 01-11-2014, 06:19 PM
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I personally don't 'define my sexuality', I understand that many people want to do that to feel a sense of 'community' and things 'in common or sharing with others', but I don't think you need to 'label' your sexuality to do that.~
I don't think you actually understand why people define their own sexuality for themselves. There are many reasons doing so is valuable to a person, so I wonder what would make you think the purpose only has to do with feeling a sense of community. The way you put it doesn't make sense to me.

However...

The topic of this thread is to discuss how to date and have polyamorous relationships if one is a virgin sexually, and how important the physical act of sex is to having successful relationships. Let's all try to stay on topic, shall we? Thanks.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2014 at 06:57 PM. Reason: typo
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  #94  
Old 01-11-2014, 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think you actually understand why people define their own sexuality for themselves. There are many reasons doing so is valuable to a person, so I wonder what would make you think the purpose only has to do with feeling a sense of community. The way you put it doesn't make sense to me.

However...

The topic of this thread is to discuss how to date and have polyamorous relationships if one is a virgin sexually, and how important the physical act of sex is to having successful reationships. Let's all try to stay on topic, shall we? Thanks.
Good point, will do.~
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  #95  
Old 01-15-2014, 03:56 PM
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I find this thread interesting. When my now husband and I started dating 5 years ago, I was "a virgin" by the technical standards of the word...but that did not mean I hadn't had done plenty of other things that had not involved penis in vagina. I think people hear the word virgin and right away they think sexually inexperienced, and for many people that are virgin's that is simply not the case. Furthermore, while penis-in-vagina is nice, the other non intercourse things I have done can be as if not more enjoyable, but yet some of you would want to consider those acts not sex?

Now that I am in a poly relationship, me and my partner were not quick to jump into intercourse. His gf actually told him prior to our having intercourse that as far as she was concerned with the level of physical and emotional intimacy we had already had that as far as she was concerned we were already having sex.
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  #96  
Old 01-19-2014, 10:26 AM
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I question the purpose of such a word in the first place since the word has evolved with the times to be completely subjective.~

Yet another reason I dislike using "labels", they almost always seem to be far too "restricting" at least some one's definition of a particular "label" will often be.~
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  #97  
Old 01-19-2014, 06:28 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I'd very much like to see people free themselves from what is very limiting belief.
There are of course traditions (Taoist, Tantric etc. etc.) that see this whole subject in a very different light indeed. They posit that it is possible to generate and exchange sexual energy with another person without even touching them, much less getting naked.

Viewed this way the whole issue of being a virgin is simply a definition of what bits have been in contact where and when, and have nothing to do with 'sex'.

As for love, well, it's unlimited, no? It's just a question of who we want to express it with. One, two, many, to each his/her own.

<soapbox on>

The taboos and issues regarding PiV seem to me to mostly centre around health and safety (quite rightly), moral/social/cultural norms together with a healthy dollop of sex-negative programming from a patriarchal system that views women's sexuality as something that needs to be owned and controlled.

The fact that both men and women buy into this is at the root of a great deal of the misery and unhappiness in the world. It makes sexual attraction a commodity and leads to the 'buy this and you will be fulfilled and happy' mindset, rather than just simply allowing people to appreciate who they are and share that lovingly with others.

</soapbox off>
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Last edited by northhome; 01-19-2014 at 06:34 PM.
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  #98  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by northhome View Post
There are of course traditions (Taoist, Tantric etc. etc.) that see this whole subject in a very different light indeed. They posit that it is possible to generate and exchange sexual energy with another person without even touching them, much less getting naked.

Viewed this way the whole issue of being a virgin is simply a definition of what bits have been in contact where and when, and have nothing to do with 'sex'.

As for love, well, it's unlimited, no? It's just a question of who we want to express it with. One, two, many, to each his/her own.

<soapbox on>

The taboos and issues regarding PiV seem to me to mostly centre around health and safety (quite rightly), moral/social/cultural norms together with a healthy dollop of sex-negative programming from a patriarchal system that views women's sexuality as something that needs to be owned and controlled.

The fact that both men and women buy into this is at the root of a great deal of the misery and unhappiness in the world. It makes sexual attraction a commodity and leads to the 'buy this and you will be fulfilled and happy' mindset, rather than just simply allowing people to appreciate who they are and share that lovingly with others.

</soapbox off>
I agree and it's not just with this, it's the tendency to often 'label' every thing in a very limiting and restricting way, an example would be: 'men' and 'women', we or many of us now know there are more than 'men' and 'women' kind of people out there, nothing is any where near as 'binary' or 'only 1 or 2' as it used to be seen as, now whether it actually WAS 'binary' is an entirely different matter, but the point is that nothing is '1 or 2' any more, no more are we either 'virgins or not', a 'man or a woman', 'in love with person 1 OR person 2', etc., every thing is far more diverse and much more widely accepted as such now than in the past.~
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  #99  
Old 01-20-2014, 07:08 PM
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Interesting post and viewpoints. I wonder when we're 90 if we'll have the same ideas? While we love sexual activity, the act becomes less important as we age, it's the love that we share for each other that defines our relationship. I suspect that when I get to the above age the wildest we'll get is when I suck and lick on Jo's little finger (a little fetish that turns her on) and then it'll take us 2 weeks to recuperate.
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  #100  
Old 01-21-2014, 08:31 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex"


Mags has a point, though. If you're in love, and very attracted to someone, and you both are being physically affectionate, touching, kissing, almost certainly turning each other on... do you really think it'll be enough, for you and the other person, to go home and masturbate while thinking about each other, time after time, while never taking the opportunity in front of you in real life even though you both desire it... for *years*?
I agree, I did this for years with a female friend of mine, for almost 10 years we never made love or did anything, out of respect to her desire for non-sex. After I told her I was done, that I needed more than she could offer me (this was with out her agreeing to poly, so she wanted one person to be with and she saw that being a man so i never had sex with her) I held a candle for her for years, and to find out a year after being turned down she is married and sexual with her husband, it just broke my heart. I dont see any reason to stay this way if you really like some one, and I certainly did everything I could do to show her I wanted her. To me I see big red flags of abuse or some such thing i nthe past to do with trust. That was the case for me, and I worked through it around 18/19...and just finished healing from it 9 years later! And with the female friend she also had similar issues, patriarchal as another post put it and negativity towards sex (mormon beliefs). So, although I understand where you're coming from, and I didnt have sex until I was married, (discounting childhood abuse), it actually did me a lot of good to let the cat out of the bag when I did, and sounds like you aren't all that asexual yourself, as I didnt even masterbate or let anyone kiss me (until 17/18 first kiss!!)
Take you're time to be a late bloomer if you like, but now is the time to decide if you conciously want to be a virgin longer, or want to explore further than your finger tips and why?

I personally can't be with an asexual person unless I was fully practicing poly because my libido is too high and I would want to please that person sexually as it would beh ard for me to wrap my brain around not enjoying good sex with someone you love. I can understand bad sex, been there done that, and the fear of bad sex, but great sex is also possible, and its always worth going through the "bad sex" to find the great sex hahaha. Theres someone for everyone in my oppinion Or someones in this case....
But I digress,
my point is, you got a lot of time ahead of you decide and this is a really interesting topic as i've been approached by asexual women mostly, wnating to be with me, and i'd like to hear more on those views as i struggle understanding it!
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