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Old 08-06-2014, 06:25 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default My New Chapter

Heartache, worries and what not. We, Bassman our kids and their friends went camping on July 29th. A few days before that I made a post called "Feeling Trampled On". As I said in that, I was in a place I could not post under this username.

It seemed like up until today the relatonship with bassman was improving. Really, really improving. I found out by sending a job on CL, just a suggestion, that I am controlling. That I have no right to be concerned about if I'll truly be able to get by, even with doing the math. He was still living here...consuming and using. Broke his toe Thursday on the camping gear left next to the dinner table.

We went to the park, to be away from the kids, to talk. I told him if he really doesn't want to be in a relationship it's time we separate. Haha he told me earlier he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. During our talk the falling out of love happened after I came back from Montana (oh he and wild orchid took our kids camping about 20 minutes from where I was meeting Sir). So he has resentment (told me that Saturday evening) towards me.

In our talk today, very short and brief, he said a tale of how we were young when we married, bit time stoners...blah blah blah...I'm still in shock. All because I was being patient all weekend while he layed around not saying diddly squat about looking for work and today I pushed him too far. Whatever!

I told him I want him to put me on the vehicle title and sign the separation agreement. We get back home. He won't put me on the title because he wants to wait a few days. He won't sign the separation agreement because he thinks I need (his words) a couple of days to "cool off/think about it". Okay really because he's the one saying he doesn't want to work on it. Why do I need to spend more time "thinking". Fuck I've been thinking since July 11th when all this ending our marriage shit went down.

And I'm not changning my mind. No matter how lonely, sad, angry, hurt, tearful I feel, I just can't. I do admit if some point down the road he says he wants to reconcile I'd only be willing to do so if counseling is involved. Individual and couple. I've been convinced I'm this horrible, controlling person and I realize that's a load of shit. I've been told this is my fault for pushing poly a year ago.

Guess what? I wasn't the one who came up with the idea. He was and now in his mind I was. I actually think I wrote about it in my blog. Yeah, I wasn't too empathetic about all the frickin' messages I was getting on okc. I mean it wasn't like I was out meeting all these guys. And what was the point of discussing this perv or that with him. I put off meeting different guys because he was struggling. And again, bassman was the one who invited another man into our bedroom...all in my original blog, Nurse I believe I called finally but he was boyfriend in the beginning.

So while I took teen to the doc, I asked him to take the littles with him to wild orchid. I'm just not in an emotional place to be momma. Three year olds can sense so much. Poor little thing and poor teen. Princess has been just attached to teen for last three or four weeks. But it was good being at the pediatrician's. He gave me great advice. Be honest with my kids. Let them know what is going on. They might actually be relieved. I asked for some literature on children and divorce and received a pamphlet. Haven't read it yet. Teen took me out to dinner. I have to say she's the best 16 year old girl ever!

Wow I still get sidetracked, but maybe not. It's just how my mind works with speaking or writing. So I'm at a place I know in my mind and heart is for the best. It sucks, it hurts but a year from now or even two, I will be much happier with myself and my life.

At 9:41 I texted bassman and asked if I could talk to the kids and tell them goodnight. He said yeah, like in 25 minutes, they're watching a movie. 10:30 I get a call. Talk with Pnutt, tell him I love and miss him. Then bassman gets on the phone. princess had fallen asleep. He kept saying hello and I just did not want to talk to him. So he texts me after I hang up "so are we going to not be civil?" I called back to explain to him how that's expecting a lot from me tonight. I mean seriously...we're supposed to chat like we're friends or something. All I wanted was to tell my youngest children I love them and goodnight. I barely saw them before they left.

The separation agreement. He doesn't get if I'm willing to split custody 50/50 why he'd have to pay child support. Well, just because I want joint custody does not mean the kiddos are with him 50/50. Three weeks left until school starts. To me that means he is going to be responsbile for the littles for half that time...childcare and staying with him, with them. The teen wants absolutely nothing to do with wild orchid so will never go to stay with him while he is at her home. That is her choice, her decision. I have zero influence on that. Plus teen is busy every day with soccer and work (does get two days off but not together). Then when school starts, bassman is living in Spokane and we're in Post Falls (45 minutes away) so he'll get Pnutt on weekends but with fall saturday sports...well pnutt will pretty much be with me all the time. bassman said he'd at least get princess every other week. So the reality is, why joint custody but they'll be here at least 75% to 90% of the time. This is why I want child support. And I realize until he gets a job, I won't see a dime, but damn it I want that separation agreement signed so I can go file it at the courthouse. Get it in the system, request the child support enforcement take care of collecting the payments now rather than have to go through it later on if he doesn't follow through. He's made his choice now he needs to take accountability for it.

going to end this post and start another since i seem to run into typing too many words lately.
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Old 08-06-2014, 06:33 AM
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The title....bassman did leave me his key so I won't be "worried" he'll try to take it. Come on just sign the title and put me on it. Why string this out? I just remembered we'll need a witness to our signing the separation agreement. Hmm...may have to get wild orchid to be such person. How weird is that?

Funny how writing soothes the soul. It really does help. I hate crying, really hate it.

Sunday bassman said to me "you need to get a boyfriend". Ha...and the night before starting chatting with this guy. He's some hours away, but totally fine I am poly and was married. Today I let him know I just separated. He's cool with it, not concerned about drama. He, this new guy, has been divorced for two years and is raising his 15 year old son. Kind a nice I met someone whose been where I am now.

This is some crazy ass shit. It's all I can think right now. Well I do work in the morning so I'm drained. I've started writing for myself again, without fear of any of angering anyone now. And if this new blog does anger bassman, all I can ask him is "really? why do you care?"
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:56 PM
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Its so hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. I was fine at work until bassman called me, yelling at me. I only answered because I thought it was princess. Yesterday my mother-in-law called. Bassman had told her we're separated. She let me know how much she loves me. I start crying and was asked where did he go. Foot in mouth apparently. I spilled the beans he went to stay at his girlfriend's, told her about poly. So that's why I was yelled at, threatened. I am really struggling today. I had to leave work. I want to be left alone when I'm trying to make a living. That is in the separation agreement. No contacting me or showing up to my place of employment.

Wow to hear him say over and over I blew our marriage, I made us broken...I might start believing it. But I didn't. His words are harsh, full of resentment. All because he tried to win my heart from last July until.... First he said 6 months now its 4 months...that he gave up. Basically when he fell for wild orchid he tells me, now. But than he brings up he stopped loving me after my Montana trip the end of June. I'm so confused. What is it, November or June? Does he even know? All the hostility in his voice. The anger. I'm aching and starting to believe I screwed up.

Is that a cop out on his part? It seems like I'm the one to blame. I don't feel neither of us are to blame. I believe I did error in pursuing poly when we had cracks in place.
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Old 08-08-2014, 06:08 AM
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Divorce is a difficult thing to go through even if it's something you really want and need. All kinds of emotions come up suddenly and they can be overwhelming. Focus on yourself, stay strong. You can do this

When I divorced, I made a deal with the father of my children to be able do co-operate on everything that has to do about the kids. That whatever emotions we are going through, we'll stay civil and work together on this. I'm really happy we managed that. It's been three years and everything works well (better than when we were married). It took both of us understanding that the kids needs come first in this and that adults have to make an extra effort to not make things worse for them. And your pediatrician is right, honesty with children is essential, it's also important to allow them their emotions. They might resent or blame you, it's ok. They want to express that they miss their dad and love him, let them. But I'm sure this stuff is obvious.

Pm me if you want to talk about these things.
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:13 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by copperhead View Post
Divorce is a difficult thing to go through even if it's something you really want and need. All kinds of emotions come up suddenly and they can be overwhelming. Focus on yourself, stay strong. You can do this

When I divorced, I made a deal with the father of my children to be able do co-operate on everything that has to do about the kids. That whatever emotions we are going through, we'll stay civil and work together on this. I'm really happy we managed that. It's been three years and everything works well (better than when we were married). It took both of us understanding that the kids needs come first in this and that adults have to make an extra effort to not make things worse for them. And your pediatrician is right, honesty with children is essential, it's also important to allow them their emotions. They might resent or blame you, it's ok. They want to express that they miss their dad and love him, let them. But I'm sure this stuff is obvious.

Pm me if you want to talk about these things.
Thank you copperhead. Last night was horrible for me when princess came home. She kept telling me she wanted wild orchid, that wild orchid is her family. I let bassman know this and he said no one told her that. Um so somehow a 3 year old was not told by anyone during her time away from me that wild orchid is her family and came up with it all on her own? Bullshit because princess has never ever discussed the concept of family until last night.

Today I contacted a friend who is a child psychologist. She's sending me info via snail mail. Basically princess should not be living in wild orchid's home every other week. Three is too young to be that long away from her primary caregiver.

So separation agreement is not signed. He cancelled resolving this last night so bassman could have his regular Thursday night with Wild Orchid.

Then today he tells me he had a bad dream. His best friend was trying to kill me. He had to kill the friend to save me. My interpretation is someone's subconscious is sending them a very loud and clear message.

Then he starts texting how hot & yummy I am. That he wants to fuck me tonight. That we could be fuck buddies. SERIOUSLY!!! All that text did is make me feel hugely degraded, like some cheap whore. Absolutely unbelievable he's continuing with his emotional abuse of me. And wild orchid's a behavorial therapist and appears to be clueless to all that he's saying to me. Argh!

So tonight we talk. He's driving this bus. He speaks first. And I will hold my ground. I will not give in. I realized legally until our bankruptcy is filed and discharged, no legal document should be filed. This is not about money for me. Its about selfish adults waking up and being accountable for their decisions. I want a 3 month separation. Limited contact which is only related to the kids. One family meal a week and he leaves as soon as we are done. The littles will not go to wild orchid's home. He will do child care here in the kids home on his days off. Wild Orchid is not allowed to be inside this house. The kids will not spend any nights with him unless it is at his parents home. Yes he now has a job but near his new home. Getting here on Tues, Wed & Thur he'll need to figure out. I'll be putting princess into child care in Sept for Mon & Fri when he works.

I know I'm heading on the right path for the kids and myself. I will not be dating anyone nor having sex. My clarity needs to be on me.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 08-08-2014 at 11:17 PM.
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Old 08-10-2014, 05:30 AM
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Fingers crossed this last month of my marriage is over to we're working on it back to over is done for good. Hubby does love me, does want to work on it. He had a very intense bad dream Thursday night in which a friend was trying to kill me. He killed the friend.

When I picked him up last night from his new job he told me he was bothered by it all day long. His mean words earlier this week were nothing but anger.

Now I'll only get 3 nights with him and every other Friday night until we are able to buy a second car. The other nights he'll live at his girlfriend's. His job is Fri to Mon. This works for me.

So far my only stipulation is "I love you good morning" texts and calls to me at night. A friend recommended I stipulate no contacting his girlfriend while with me. I've learned my lesson on that. No more making issues about "her & him". The issues must be about my "needs'.

I'll see him again tomorrow evening. There is one last stipulation I do want to put out there. Not using this word but it is what he's been doing. No more emotional abuse. This means no more saying he hasn't loved me in months, no more "we're over" when we have a disagreement, just no more passive aggressive behavior.

To some I may appear weak, or stupid or just dumb. But I do know this new job has already made him happier already. That a good work environment makes one in a better mood. That his home will no longer feel despairing. That we as a family have a few common goals that were lost this last year of opening to polyamory.

And if it doesn't work at least both of us will never regret not trying to work on us.
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Old 08-15-2014, 07:04 PM
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Default poly hell

It's interesting to me how an article I read about a year ago http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell is forgotten while actually living it. When I first read that, bassman was in it (and I wasn't even dating anyone) and in a few months, the roles reversed and I started living it for months and months, not aware of what I was experiencing up until Sunday night last week.

This part really hits home for me: This is because the primary partner is experiencing a scarcity of time and romance with their partner, and their pleas for their partner to focus attention on the relationship fall on deaf ears. As one man said, “Not only was she spending most of her time with this other guy, whenever I tried to tell her how I felt she ignored me and didn't seem to care that I was very unhappy.” Eventually they feel so abandoned and humiliated that they are likely to leave the relationship, because the cumulative affect of unmet needs will necessitate them shifting their own relationship energy elsewhere to another partner (or partners) who will be more attentive and available. Unfortunately, it is only at the point that the primary partner decides to end the relationship that the partner usually takes their demands seriously, because they have been oblivious and naively believed that the relationship was secure. And by then it is usually too late to repair the damage, as their partner is already on their way out the door, and feels so mistreated and distrustful they are unlikely to be deterred.

So I've been thinking alot about the other side of this W in this poly configuration. Metamour's husband has been pushing her away from him. He's making her out to be the bad guy to all their children and his mother. Now if this MAN really didn't want to loose his wife, why in the hell is he doing these actions that are pushing her away from him?

As I look inside their world, what I am seeing is many, many things the other 4 people are oblivious to:

1 - Wild Orchid's Husband is no longer in love with her
2 - Wild Orchid's Husband wants to end their marriage but is a chicken shit
3 - Wild Orchid's Husband is pushing her away so she's the one who ends their marriage
4 - by doing #3 above, he won't be the "bad guy" but she'll be the "bad woman"
5 - Every time bassman and I start to bond, get close, are repairing our broken marriage, Wild Orchid is having "issues" and is "hurting"
6 - That Wild Orchid actually realizes what is happening in her marriage
7 - Wild Orchid sees that bassman loves me, really loves me, and can't accept him drawing closer to me
8 - That I'm going to have to accept Wild Orchid's neediness the very next day after we reconnect and rebuild
9 - I also have to the choice to not accept it and discuss with bassman the epiphany I had yesterday

I so want to ask metamour's husband what in the hell is he doing? Does he want to end his marriage because all the actions he's been doing for months now actually don't show a man who is worried he'll loose his wife but of a man wanting his wife to leave him.

But I won't contact him. It's not my place even if their relationship sends ripples into my relationship.
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Old 08-19-2014, 05:15 AM
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Life with bassman is going good. Repairing our relationship is definitely a lot of work with tons of patience on both sides. I started reading The Five Love Languages. It is very insightful and the concepts are amazing. I believe bassman is a words of affirmation love language and I'm quality time. Go figure all my lamenting these many months have been on just that, quality time. And not just being in the same room but eye contact. He says he'll read it when I'm done. I can't push as that is a demand but he is aware of the importance to me he does read it.

On other fronts was chatting with a "local" (Spokane is a half hour away but its as local in regards to available poly peeps) guy for a bit. Haven't heard back since Sat night. I'm reading into it his girlfriend is not ok with poly as much as he explained. That's ok though, best be now than down the road.

Off of fetlife this Aussie gentleman messaged me last month. I decided to reply back. We've talked twice now. First time was Sat and earlier this evening. He's in South Africa doing work and returns to the States later this week. I'm a bit gaga on his accent. Within a week he'll be in my state. No plans, yet, on meeting but there's an interest on both our sides. He's 32 and very handsome.

Its strange having a man extremely enamored about me. From our talk tonight it sounds like he's going to make a visit up here to meet me. As this develops I promise to update.

Sunday this polycue is planning a family outing. Floating the river. I'm scared. Really not sure I'm ready but summer will be over soon and its "neutral" environment. All the strides I made are gone in regards to wanting to interact with the other parts of this W, mostly my side of the V. But baseman's right with all the hinges communication is fractured. He accepts responsibility on his end. This is a good thing though. He realizes as I did, I've been in poly hell for quite some time. My need of having validation was hard to get but now its out there, I honestly feel better.

Now how do I help repair the damage our short official separation created between bassman and his mother? Having my heart broken was not how I planned (never thought we would) to come out as poly to our parents. Its so hard because they see it as sinful, sick, deviant.

Other good but bad news. I put in my notice at work. Majority of everyone is supportive but my supervisor is kind a being bitch. Excited to start new job!
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Old 08-19-2014, 04:31 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I started reading The Five Love Languages. It is very insightful and the concepts are amazing. I believe bassman is a words of affirmation love language and I'm quality time.
This was a HUGE help for my husband and I. I'm works of service and quality time. He could never understand why I didn't want to be close when he refused to help with housework or blew off my requests for help. I would complain about him never being home and his response was to stay home and be on the computer til 1am - so a complete disconnect. We both learned HOW to request what we need and learned the best way to show affection for the other by giving them what they needed instead of giving them what we wanted. My husband didn't read the whole thing, but we did go over the highlights and items that pertained to us (about a week prior to our counselor bringing it up). When the marriage counselor did bring it up, we were prepared and we were able to discuss it in more detail with third party help.
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:08 AM
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Ugh. I don't think I'm poly. I'm not sure how one "decides" that they are capable of loving more than one or not. A year ago I felt that I was. Yet in retrospect, I know bassman and I needed to work on us. Hindsight does me no good now. What I fear is my new guy will sweep me off my feet and due to batsman's constant inequity of time he gives to wild orchid when with me versus time given to me when he's with her just becomes more and more obvious to me. Maybe that's the epiphany I'm feeling right now.

Also my kids have been affected badly by poly. I'm very much at fault for it yet I know baasman is just as much at fault too. Kids are our priority, well were supposed to be when we started this journey, but they have not been. This hit me Friday night with Princess. The poor girl has been acting out and both of us were oblivious to it. Our lives have not been stable or nurturing. So in my mind I feel like being poly is not healthy for the kids, at all. Yes others out there make it work but this here couple has screwed up, badly.

My 8 year old keeps telling me daily with tears in his eyes he wants his family back like we were three years ago. I've asked him not to tell his dad but maybe its time he says it to bassman. These kids, they didn't ask us to make them. They were never consulted on what makes them feel secure. We, their parents, just went with this concept and have forced them to deal with it. So not fair to them.

Well today I'm feeling depressed. It didn't hit me hard until the drive home. Guess I've got some thinking to do.
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