sex and its status

Hi Dinged, I'm Karma. I'm married to Mohegan, and I was in a romantic relationship with Cricket, although right now were are just friends. I've followed along on this thread, and I suggest you ask Mo some of your questions in a private message - to me, it seems like a lot of the underlying emotions you are dealing with are the same ones she dealt with when we started down this road, and I'm willing to bet that her perspective would be helpful for you, as she's neither "new" to this, nor have we been poly for years and years - more of a "middle of the road" viewpoint as far as the things we've been through, and the stuff we haven't yet.

Some background-

Mo and I had been married for three years (roughly) when I started a string of affairs behind her back. The reasons were multiple, and while I'm NOT justifying my actions, I will state that the root of my cheating was caused by both of us. I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship with the other women, I just wanted sex.

Then I met Cricket, and my whole world changed :)

I had no intention of falling in love with her, but I did. I kept our relationship secret for months, but eventually I told my wife that I was in love with another woman - but also with her. I was extremely confused... she was actually far more accepting of it that I was, until she found out about all the other affairs, and that Cricket and I had slept together as well. That's when she started going through a of of the same emotions you seem to be going through. (This is my opinion, I am not about to tell someone that I *know* what's going on in their head better than they do, and if I'm wrong please feel free to correct me.)

I really feel that she'd be a good person to talk to, as she didn't really want to dive into this polyamory thing as much as I kinda jumped in and dragged her with me ;) She's discovered along the way that she really doesn't have any issues with it, so long as I'm not being an asshole and sleeping with random women behind her back... can't really balme her for not being OK with that, now can I? :)

BTW, as far as the internet goes.... I am the most sarcastic, blunt person ever. As a result, I LIVE AND DIE by smiley emoticons, qoutation marks, pharentisis (however you spell that), ect. Due to my charming combination of sarcasm and bluntness, I invariably piss people off accidentally if I don't use them. Just something to consider to avoid future misunderstandings with people... text absolutely fails to convey non-verbal things like sarcasm without a lot of assistance ;)

I wish you luck with your journey here. It does get better, trust me. And there's not a damn thing wrong with you feeling the way you do right now, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 
Parentheses.

I've given up on sarcasm. I don't even like it when my gf uses it in the most teasing loving fun way. It's so often a form of being passive aggressive and turning aside real issues. I find it's better to try and avoid it altogether.
 
I've been exposed to it since I was little, so it's become a natural form of communication for me. I can't be passive aggressive or hide behind it with the people that matter - they know me too well :)

Besides, I don't think I could be passive aggressive if I tried... and I have tried.
 
Well, I am speaking from my experiences with my ex. When something was bothering him, he'd get more and more sarcastic and biting til I'd finally say, WHAT is bothering you?? What is really the issues here?
 
Thanks everyone for the replies....

I how have to go back and retrace my train of thought to see how it all fits.

New question: How much is jealousy hardwired into use humans and how much is learned???? Is some jealousy factory provided so as to delineate preference. If not what is its purpose?? ........ Let the FUN begin.

karma thanks, Would she prefer I ask things in private or were you thinking that I need that?

As for the emto icon's..... not there yet I'm glad I'm not still double posting.

Got to go for now.... I'll check back later.. D
 
Thanks neonkaos for the reference material.

Are you suggesting my questions have already been ask and answered? Or do you think these questions belong under that thread heading? I did read that thread and I didn't see those specific questions asked or answered but I fuck up all the time... If this is the case please disregard. Thanks D.
 
You might want to add your question to that thread so that the NEXT person can go there and read all about it in one place.

People complain that things are so hard to find on here (I don't believe that), so we're trying to make it easier by keeping general discussion on certain topics in their own threads.
 
To Flamekat, again thanks for the reply..went back and read context of the question to make sense of the answer. I think I understand what your saying... which I think is the way most poly people feel. One could make the argument that sex is a simple bodily function, eye blinking, eating, and some other more graphic ones as well. I think this is how the swing community frames it to some degree.... and it makes sense.

The word LOVE gets thrown around a lot...and has a connections to the act of sex and its possible status... Then at another end of the spectrum ... we have the slut... ethical or not. Who wants to date/marry/ have children with or whatever.... with that image or label. NOTE: not calling anyone a slut, just thinking of how I view that behavior. Have I enjoyed the company of someone who may have had such a reputation YES Would I have considered that in long term dating plan... no way. Why I'm not sure now.

Flamekat would you be alright with your partner exploring outside relationships? I don't think these hypotheticals really work because these types of situations are so full of emotions that its something that has to be experienced, but I had to ask. Thanks D
 
I posted the jealousy questions on the other thread so anyone wanting to respond do so there. Thanks again Neonkaos ...... D
 
Flamekat would you be alright with your partner exploring outside relationships? I don't think these hypotheticals really work because these types of situations are so full of emotions that its something that has to be experienced, but I had to ask. Thanks D

dingedheart...

yes I would be alright with it - it would bring up some issues of my own that we would work through, but yes it would be okay. (In my marriage I was cheated on by my ex, I offered to open the marriage for him - he declined as he prefered to lie to me and be deceitful among other things, which included controlling me)

hypothetical or not... we can't experience those issues until we have worked to the point that WW is able to accept the possibility and be okay with it... and I have to say that the degree to which he visualises... he does experience it and we do work through it... I think that a lot of the time actually working through it as we experience it would be easier on him as (I feel) his own imagination makes things much worse than they really would be...

and I point out that while we may not be in throes of those 'real experiences'... we too are dealing with the same issue - just at a different stage of it and in a different way... it may not work for you - but for now, it works for us... I don't know how many others choose the hypothetical course first and then move forward onto actuals, but I am sure there are others, and my words may help them...
 
I was thinking you may want to ask her questions in private, Dinged. She's generally an open book on this forum.
 
Thanks flamekat and karma for you input.

Flamekat I think it is great that you are examining things from a hypothetical perspective, I think we all did. I also think you are very wise to try to unravel issues now instead of when it could be very damaging and irrevocable.

Karma thanks for the suggestion. It sounds like we have a similar situation, how long have the two of you been doing this??
 
Umm.... lemme think....

about a year and a half, maybe? I'm horrible with dates and timeframes. Somewhere around there, though.
 
Karma I'm guessing it didn't start out exactly smooth...so how long did it take to settle down or smooth out? Or is it a work in progress? From what I gather from your situation I was wondering how much responsibility do you take on... in terms of your wifes/partners adjustment to this new dynamic? Thanks D
 
It's still something of a work in progress, although that "work" has been put on hold for now. Cricket has a lot to work through.

It took about six months for everything to be "OK" between me and Mohegan again, but everyone's different - meaning that it could take other people less time or more time. She still has moments where she gets suspicious of what I'm doing, but now we address those issues as they come up instead of not talking about them and letting them fester.

As far as their relationship with each other goes, that can best be described as a rollercoaster. And one that I recently got off of :)

I've told them both that I'm not talking about either one of them to the other one anymore, because all it ever seemed to do was cause problems for everyone, and if they had something to address or something they wanted to say to each other, they could do it directly. I'm horrible at the "telephone game", and me thinking that I understood what one of them was saying to the other and why they were saying it led to some fairly nasty arguments. So I just stopped doing that.
 
thanks karma for the reply

I think I phrased my question based on not being sure if you were married. Thus it was unclear. You thought I was asking about the relationship between your wife and oso. My question is.... how much time effort did you or do you put into making sure your wife is ok. Now I don't know exactly how your journey started so these questions could fall to your wife.

Here's where I'm going with this. If this was your idea " the journey" do you see yourself having a larger share of the burden so to speak.. That burden being your wife's healthy transition to this new lifestyle. Forgive my difficulty in describing this. I hope this give you a glimpse as to the direction I was going. If not I'll keep working on it. D.
 
I feel like I do in some ways, yes. Making sure she is OK with this has been a top priority, it just took me some time to figure out the right way to go about it.

On the other hand, Mohegan (my wife) will probably be the first to tell you that all the responsibility for this can't fall on just one person - it has to be something that both partners work together on. So, while I feel responsible for making sure that everything is OK on her end of things, that doesn't neccessarily mean that it IS all my responsibility.
 
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