Explaining polyamory to a therapist

Nadya

Member
This year has been very hard on me mentally, mostly because of drama in my birth family. My parents are very strictly religious and extremely judgmental, and I have not had much to do with them or my siblings the last decade or so. Now there has been a lot going on in that bunch of people: various health issues, both physical and mental. I am not going into detail about that. However, I have not been able to escape all the drama, and have even met many of my family members for the first time in years - including my parents.

Now all this present drama has opened up the wounds in me caused by the past drama, and I have started therapy. I have seen this therapist once, and she seems to be really nice and understanding. At the first and so far only session I told about the family drama - well, that is why I am seeking help now.

I have been wondering about the next session, though… I think it is necessary for me to tell her about my poly life, in one way or another. Polyamory is for me an ethical and philosophical choice I made after getting out of the strict religion. Me being able to explore my sexuality and form honest loving relationships is what has saved me, literally. I am nowadays mostly healthy and happy - even the present drama has not awoken the depression that I suffered from for the longest time. I really think that I am healthy and happy because of leading a polyamorous life.

I am wondering how do I tell this to my therapist. I fear judgment from her side, even though she has not said anything that implicates that. But - in the first session I did not talk anything about sexuality or relationships, so I really do not know how she will react.

I could use some encouragement and kind words from you all!
 
I've never seen a therapist so I don't know what all is involved. It seems to me a therapist shouldn't be judgmental, but they are only human. I think a person should be able to feel comfortable while talking to their therapist. If your therapist can't handle you being poly, find another. Is there a poly group near you? They should have recommendations.
 
I have had friends tell me they never discuss sex with their therapist because they are too shy and embarrassed. Personally, sex is so important to me, I always put it out there.

I've had a range of therapists. The best one was open to all alternative choices, including breastfeeding, homeschooling, herbal and homeopathic medicine, and polyamory. The worst one, that I saw after my insurance changed and I lost the good one, told me on our second meeting that married people "should not get crushes on other people." I thought that was an incredibly strange comment, either naive, or in denial about something that is actually very common. I fired her.

The only way to find out is to bring it up. You're going to counseling for issues around your birth family anyway. If you don't need counseling for your romantic relationships, and just want to make her aware of your important support system (your partners), tell her about them confidently and matter of factly. Perhaps it doesn't need to be an issue at all.

If she's heard of poly and is comfortable with it, great. If she's just ignorant about poly, she can read up. If she's judgemental and against it, fire her and find someone else.
 
The only way to find out is to bring it up. You're going to counseling for issues around your birth family anyway. If you don't need counseling for your romantic relationships, and just want to make her aware of your important support system (your partners), tell her about them confidently and matter of factly. Perhaps it doesn't need to be an issue at all.
The reason why I want to bring up poly in the therapy is because it is linked with the family drama. I got kicked out of the church and my family because my parents found out that I was not following the rules of the religion in the area of sexuality. I myself thought that I did follow the rules (no sex before marriage) but it turned out their definition of sex was different from mine - to tell the long story short. Things that in my mind were totally non-sexual were highly sexual in their minds. Also, to this contributes my sexual orientation: I am bisexual and see no difference in what gender a person is. Thus, it would have been all right to do the (non-sexual) things with women but not with men... So, I definitely need to bring up sex and relationships in the therapy. Plus, there is the point of my partners being my main support system.

If she's heard of poly and is comfortable with it, great. If she's just ignorant about poly, she can read up. If she's judgemental and against it, fire her and find someone else.
Yes, this. She does not need very much knowledge about polyamory in order to help me, but she needs to be okay with non-hetero-mainstream sexuality. If she can't take it, I'll need to find someone else.
 
You can direct her to this paper published by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, which is available online:

What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory (Weitzman, Davidson, and Phillips)
ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/PolyPaper/72548_NCSF_2012poly7.pdf (no www needed)


There is also Elisabeth Sheff's blog at PsychologyToday.com, where she has a number of articles on polyamory, but this seems relevant for a therapist to read:

3 Ways to Combat Therapeutic Bias Against Polyamory

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201603/3-ways-combat-therapeutic-bias-against-polyamory


I also think you were very clear and eloquent when you stated in your initial post why you chose polyamory, and I think you could simply tell her this:

Polyamory is for me an ethical and philosophical choice I made after getting out of the strict religion. Me being able to explore my sexuality and form honest loving relationships is what has saved me, literally. I am nowadays mostly healthy and happy - even the present drama has not awoken the depression that I suffered from for the longest time. I really think that I am healthy and happy because of leading a polyamorous life.

Wow, I mean that just says it all. Sorry to hear you have these challenges to face right now, but you sound strong, clear-headed, and like you know yourself very well, so I am certain you will be able to get through this!
 
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Thank you for the links! I was aware of the first one but not of the second. If my therapist needs to / is willing to educate herself about polyamory, I'll mention these papers.
Sorry to hear you have these challenges to face right now, but you sound strong, clear-headed, and like you know yourself very well, so I am certain you will be able to get through this!
Thank you! I am also confident about my coping skills - and realized that at this point of time I need some professional help. Just hope I am getting the help that I need as soon as possible. Finding another therapist would be extra work that I don't want to go through... but if it is necessary then it is.
 
Well... over the years, as I've moved around, I've needed to find a chiropractor for an occasional "tuneup." Sometimes I get lucky & the first one I happen to visit works the expected miracles. Sometimes... not so much, & I've left at least one clinic feeling worse. Yet, I know people who swear they get the best results from the "not so much" chiros & no benefit from the ones that work great for me. In all, about half are worth a second visit.

And thus has also been my experience with therapists, shrinks, counselors, etc.

For your specific needs, you might need to "shop around" a little until you find someone who simply gets it. Some might SAY they're gaining an understanding; if you're especially fortunate, you'll meet one who can step away from her/his preconceptions & listen to what you're actually saying.

Years back, my partner finally sought therapy to deal with having been raped at 12 by her brother, & having her parents totally pretend it didn't happen. Being bi & rather butch, she sought a lesbian therapist who specialized in LGB clients. By the third session, the shrink had fixated on the polyamory, deciding that poly was not merely a symptom of her toxic family, but was keeping her from healing. :eek:

When I was looking for a "neutral party" sounding board to help unsnarl three relationships simultaneously circling the drain, I too first sought a clinic experienced with LGB clientele. She was a GREAT person, very caring, willing to understand... & brave enough to admit that she felt inadequate to help me out without charging me for multiple sessions so she could "get up to speed." We parted on friendly terms.

The next clinic I visited set me up with an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker). By asking a few simple, calm questions, she got me to a breakthrough by halfway through the first session. :cool: Everything fell into place, & I spent the next week overhauling relationships. Atthe follow-up, I was given a "mission accomplished" & told to return if I fell into another hole.
 
I personally think that one need not accept an idea to the absolute that they would be willing to implement it in their own life, in order to be accepting that it may be a good and right choice for others.

"Tolerance." Only maybe a step further. Not merely tolerating a different person without doing them harm, but actually being ok with the idea that we don't all do the same stuff, not being threatened by that. Being not actually judgmental.

To me, that is an important trait in an evolved human. I'm happy to nudge people in that direction and I've been successful at it with a number of them. I'm a little bit of a crusader, because I like to think that some folks are like, "I heard about this shocking thing that WEIRDOS do...omg" and then they meet me, and I'm a pretty chill person, who does a lot of unusual stuff. I'm not in any way a threat to their normalsauce lifestyle. And then the weird thing is not quite as scary.

With that in mind... A therapist is a professional that the client is paying to help them get through tough things. If they are so unevolved that they can't even be basically nonjudgmental and tolerant about those who are different...if they bring that much personal bias into the treatment... Then they are kind of failures as therapists. They're more trying to brainwash their clientele to push their own agendas. And frankly I've seen plenty here who mix a heavy dose of religion into their practice, and I'd never ever go to one. I do not pay a professional to convert me to a faith. I could find someone to try that program on me for free if I wanted it.

So I'd be slinging those shocking curveballs at my therapist pretty early on to make sure I wasn't dealing with someone who was likely to bring me more harm than good. Judgy therapists...ain't nobody got time for that.
 
Y'know, when I wanted to talk to a therapist earlier this year, I decided it would be simpler to do the online therapy thing - after all, I'm used to processing things in writing here and elsewhere. The advantage of that was that I was able to dump the "background and why I'm here" stuff in a single email, send that to the therapist assigned to me, and evaluate them based on their response. Only had to fire one before I got a good fit, though I was willing to cycle through more if I needed to. And since it was on a free trial, I literally had nothing other than the time writing the initial email to lose.
 
I told my therapist just about first after we started our relationship. I thought she wouldn't be supportive and I'd be looking for someone else. Turned out that she has a niece who's poly, and was already doing the readings to see what it was all about :) she's been incredible. And I'm so glad because I'd hate to lose her after all these years!
 
I've used a number of different therapists over my life.

Be ok with the idea that you may need to change therapists.

One therapist I had was definitely not ok with the idea of polyamory. If your therapist pushes back, don't argue, just see about finding a new therapist.

Another was ok with poly but they had limited experience with it. So it was not very helpful but I suppose it would have been better than nothing.

My own experience has been that most issues are the same as with any monogamous couple, dealing with conflict and learning to communicate effectively.

I finally found a therapist who had experience with a range of non-traditional families and relationships.

Dino
 
The therapist I had three years ago when Hubby and I first opened the marriage was completely awesome. She knew he and I had been having marriage problems, and that a huge part of the issue was disparity in our sex drives and sexual interests. (That was why we opened the marriage; Hubby realized the emotional damage he was doing to me by saying judgmental things about my sexual interests, and finally clarified that he had nothing against me, or against the things I wanted to try, in general; he was just uncomfortable about them and wasn't willing to say so. So he said he thought me seeing other men would be the best way to address teh issue. Took him a while to talk me into it.)

When I told my therapist that we'd opened the marriage, and why, she said, "Wow. That's really cool. I'm proud of you for finding a solution to the sexual issues you and your husband were having."
 
Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread! I am in a much better space now, not fearful anymore. What is to come, is to come. The core of all the advice given seems to be this:
Be ok with the idea that you may need to change therapists.
I have already looked at the other possibilities, so if I need to change, I know where to turn to. Still hoping this person will turn out open-minded and non-judgmental. Now I am eagerly waiting for the next session with her! :)
 
I'm glad you're already feeling better about it. :)

I just wanted to throw my experience in the mix. I started therapy quite recently, and my therapist is completely awesome when it comes to polyamory, bisexuality and all that. And she was my first try! Good luck and I hope it goes well. :)
 
Hey Nadya,

Sounds like you are taking firm and wise steps toward taking care of your (emotional) health. Don't settle for less than a therapist who kindly and openly accepts that you are poly. And, if you're willing, keep us posted here on how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
An update:

The second session went at least okay. Not the worst case scenario that I imagined, not at all. She obviously is not that familiar with non-monogamy but she is fine with alternative sexuality, so that is good. She did ask good questions, for example she asked if I have any support from my friends to my non-monogamous arrangement.

To me, the session was very intense. It brought some very strong emotions to the surface: all the fear of judgment that I have experienced through the years. So I guess it will be good. At least I am willing to continue with this therapist now :) Have high hopes that she actually will be able to help me.
 
Sounds quite promising. I think that bringing unconscious fears and other feelings to the surface so we can look at them and be aware of them is the best thing we can do. Seeing what we keep a lid on normally, at least gives us a choice on how to respond to life situations without letting submerged, unconscious feelings, thought processes, and beliefs direct our behaviors.

Glad to read a positive update!
 
Things are still going well with the therapy. Actually, I ended up changing therapists because of a reason not related to me at all but the office. I was nervous before the first session with the new person, but she seems just great! So this turned out well for me :)

In case someone some day reads this thread and needs the same information and encouragement that I did, this is the way I went about telling of polyamory. Firstly, I have so far never mentioned the word "polyamory" at the therapy. I have told them that I have three partners, and am living with two of them. Also I have told about my ideas of how and why I want to have my relationships open for any new connections that might arise.

I think that is a wise move. Polyamory is such a loaded word, and many people misinterpret it. It would be frustrating to correct people's misunderstandings in therapy, so it is better to explain the life situation and not use the "P-word" at all.
 
I'm going to come in from a psychology student perspective (working on my BA, but much of this information has come from experience listening at school, and what my professors have said). This mostly depends on where the therapist went to school/where you live. But many know about alternative sexualities and such. They read journal articles and know what is happening in the world, just like anyone else. Polyamory has become a subject many therapists/ counselors/ psychologists, will know about. As of right now, polyamory comes up at my school often, yes it is likely a more recent phenomenon but it will still be something discussed in academic circles. Explaining your relationships with others is good, as everyone has a different poly lifestyle, it will help your therapist to know about the people in your life.

I think it is good for people to know that subjects such as polyamory and different types of relationships are talked about in schools now. So future therapists/ counselors/ psychologists will know about it, just not your relationship specifically. Just how you would explain your relationship to your primary partner to a therapist, you need to explain your other close relationships.

A therapist/ counselor/ psychologist, should also not be offended if you decide to find someone else. Personalities don't always mesh well, and they know that well, they will want you to find the person that will help you the most.

Also a therapist should be showing their true emotions with you, no not ones of judgment, but a therapist being surprised or confused is normal. Remember the therapist is another person just like you, so yeah they will react, it is not a bad thing if they do so, it is also supposed to help the client.
 
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