Advice please

NCShadow

New member
I am seeking advice on what to do. I know poly is all about loving and all. But wonder if one of the lovers is a cheater?

OK here it is in a nut shell. I am married I have a GF and the lover she has chosen is lying to her partner that nothing is going on. My GF has had sex with her 2 times and partner asked her the last time what does you man know? They have been seeing each other for 4 months. I gave my GF permission to sleep with her if the other girls partner knew. Come to find out she does not know that the partner is lying to her.

I asked my GF to break it off with her. Not to contact her or see her till she fixes the problem. My GF tells me that they are in love. That it is hard for her to do that. She has a soft heart.

I love my GF to death but now my GF will not talk to me for the last 5 days. My head is now splitting. At the end of my rope on what to say or do.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am a bit confused reading that with no names so I am going to take the liberty of nicknaming these people. Then I will repeat what I think am I hearing to see if I got it right.

Please correct me if I am wrong or you prefer other nicknames, ok? I quote just to visually set it off.

THE PEOPLE

  • My name is NCShadow. I am married to Apple. I have a GF named Banana.
  • Banana has another lover named Citrus. They have been seeing each other for 4 mos.
  • Citrus has another partner also. Citrus's partner is Dandelion.

PROBLEM

  • I told Banana it was ok with me if Banana dated Citrus if Dandelion knew about it all and was consenting. Not like a big cheating thing behind Dandelion's back. Everything open and above board and all parties consenting to all this.
  • Now it turns out Dandelion doesn't know anything and it IS a big cheating thing behind her back. Citrus lies to Dandelion and tells her nothing is going on.
  • Banana and Citrus have shared sex twice. The last time they shared sex, Citrus asked "What does NCShadow know?"
  • I asked Banana to break it off with Citrus. Not to contact her or see her until Citrus fixes the problem and comes clean with Dandelion and they work it out or they break up or whatever it is. But basically asking Banana to STOP participating in a big cheating thing.

  • Banana tells me that she and Citrus are in love. That it is too hard for Banana to stop participating in a cheating affair. Banana is choosing not to stop.

  • I love Banana, but now Banana has not spoken to me for the last 5 days. I don't know what to say or do.

Is that what is happening here?

If that is the case, I think you have to tell Banana that you cannot be with her if she chooses to continue participate in cheating. Banana is contributing to the deception of Dandelion. It is not kind to do, and it erodes your trust in Banana if she signs up to be someone's cheating affair partner. If they are ok hiding things from one person in the network? What are they going to start hiding or are already hiding from you?

I can imagine it is hard to feel, and you might be super sad and disappointed. But in the end? Whatever Citrus is doing? Whatever Banana is doing?

YOU are the one picking out Banana -- who is now a cheating accomplice.

Do YOU want to be dating a cheating accomplice? That's not how ethical polyamory works. You could stop picking out Banana to date if this is what she's become now. :(

You may want to get STD screenings for yourself. Just in case there were other deceptions. :(

I am so sorry you deal in this. :(

Galagirl
 
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Banana has broken it off with her. But now Banana will not chat not talk with me citing that she was in love with Citrus. Citrus will not let on to anyone what she has done. Dandelion thinks that I hate them. Knowing that Citrus has not said anything. I want this to all work but Citrus lying about it as if nothing has happened. Citrus is tearing my girls heart out by not saying anything.

BTW I have been tested already so has my GF.:D
 
So don't talk right now to Banana. Give her and yourself some space.

  • She either finishes mourning the break up and eventually takes personal responsibility for her actions or she does not.
  • You and Banana eventually do the repairs to trust that need to happen so you can date again. Or.... trust remains broken and you don't date any more.

As for Dandelion? Dandelion was in your former sex network. You could tell Dandelion that you do not hate her. You are just not ok with Banana and Citrus cheating and are processing that. Tell her to get her own STD tests.

I don't know where you draw your ethics, but for me? I do not keep a secret that is hurting someone or could hurt someone. By remaining silent I become another accomplice. I don't like that. I also would not like that as a result of Citrus and Banana actions, they put me in this position. And I now have this unpleasant chore on my desk when I didn't even do anything wrong and I did not ask for this.

You and Banana have had enough knowledge to take precaution and get your STD tests.

Dandelion is still being kept in the dark, and her health could be at risk. She doesn't seem to know she might need to screen. Citrus isn't telling. And it doesn't seem like Banana plans to apologize to Dandelion for keeping her in the dark and tell her she could get her own screening.

It's not the greatest conversation to have in the world, but in your shoes? I would apologize for being the bearer of bad news. I would tell Dandelion that I don't hate her, but I am processing Citrus and Banana cheating so hope she understands if I am not quite myself right now. I would tell her she might want to get tested. I have already tested and my results are ___. Then I would apologize again for the bad news and let her handle her stuff from that point.

This just happened, so the ripple effects are still going on.

Again, I am sorry you deal in this.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for your insights. Me and my wife are Dom/Sub me and my GF is DD/lg. This is the first time in over a year I have not chatted with her for 5 days straight.:mad:
 
I see that you have not spoken in almost a week.

Ripple effects still riding out.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
Its always hard to see your lg in pain.

But I think its for the best. Make it very easy for her to speak to you again. Check in, just that, in a few days. She is most likely full of emotion, and probably a little angry at you for being a cause of her losing someone she cares about.

That will most likely fade. Its hard for everyone and i hope you can all talk it out soon, with no blame or shame.
 
I was asked by Banana not to say anything to the couple.

This is what I got from dandelion today

"What is it that you would like me to say? I lost someone who was pretty much my best friend, someone I could confide in because of you being a selfish, childish little boy. There was NOTHING going on between Citrus and Banana. That door was nailed shut. There was no secret relationship, or any behind your back fucking going on with them. But because your jealous and insecure and hate the fact that she can bring her son to play with our kids, you got your way by throwing a temper tantrum. You won. You got what you wanted. She stopped being our FRIEND. So I really don't see why there's anything to talk about. Big bad "Daddy Dom", acted like a five year old little boy who had to share his toy and made her choose. So, really what's left to say? You wanted Citrus gone. You got your wish. And now I have to suffer because I lost my best friend. So, I don't see anything left to say. You got what you wanted. Rid of us."
 
Its always hard to see your lg in pain.

But I think its for the best. Make it very easy for her to speak to you again. Check in, just that, in a few days. She is most likely full of emotion, and probably a little angry at you for being a cause of her losing someone she cares about.

That will most likely fade. Its hard for everyone and i hope you can all talk it out soon, with no blame or shame.

I wished that was true. She told me in a conversation the other day before she cut me off. That she did not think she could ever trust me again. :mad:
 
I wished that was true. She told me in a conversation the other day before she cut me off. That she did not think she could ever trust me again. :mad:

Trust is so very very hard to gain after it has been broken.
She may never be able to trust you, and with what you've written, i can see why. Your opinions and views on the issue were very different.

A DD should be the one person in all the world that would never ever let you down as a lg is vulnerable. She may feel you have. That will take a lot of time to get past.

Its not impossible, but it is very hard. Good luck. :)
 
"Your opinions and views on the issue were very different." My opinions? What do you mean by that ? What Dandelion said ?
 
I was asked by Banana not to say anything to the couple.

And you could say "No, thank you. I am not willing to meet that request."

I don't think any of this has anything to do with DD/lg dynamics. It has to do with personal ethics, and taking personal responsibility for one's actions. Though Banana, Citrus, and Dandelion may find it easier to blame ripple effects on you as DD like you control everything or control Banana's choices.

When really, you only control YOUR behavior. Banana controls her own choices. Including whether she kinks or not, she dates you or not, she cheats or not, she tells the truth or not, she goes on playdates with Dandelion and the kids or not, she sees Citrus or not, she cleans up her part of the mess or not. Banana makes her own choices. Banana tries to repair the relationships she wants to repair.

In her message that Dandelion sent you? Dandelion sounds hurt, confused, in denial, and angry. Dealing with stages of grief over the affair. She's not at final acceptance yet over the fact that they had an affair.

You could tell Dandelion ONCE that you are sorry she is hurting and she does not deserve this. That Banana is free to see whoever she wants to see. Just that she cannot see YOU if she continues in a cheating affair with Citrus and they both don't come clean, apologize to all hurt parties and work on making amends. If Dandelion wants to see Banana and be friends with her, she could ask Banana. Because you are not in charge of Banana's choices.

Then step back from all this drama even if other people try to dump it on you. You have done what you can do. You have stated your position with Banana. All you can do at this point is wait to see if Banana will own her part and want to work things out with you or not. I don't know if reading this brings you any comfort or helps in any talks with Banana.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

On her end? Dandelion can either get to the bottom of it herself or believe the lies.

I am sorry you deal in this. You didn't deserve this either.

Galagirl
 
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Hi NCShadow,

Is there any chance Citrus and Banana were not having an affair? Were you just going by information that Banana gave you? Not that I can see why Banana would lie to you about that ...

Sorry you're dealing with this heartache. :(
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Banana and I have been together for 1.5 years. She has NEVER told me a lie about anything. She would not lie about an affair if it was nto true and fight with me for over 3 months about it. Banana IS NOT that type of girl.
 
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Do I understand it right that you didn't tell Dandelion anything? (I'm a little confused by Galagirls reaction about processing an affair.)

How are things between you and Banana now?

Personally, I'm not sure how I would react.
I think I would give Banana a few weeks to process and decide if she wants to come clean herself. Then I would tell D. because I can't keep secrets.
 
Dandelion now knows. Or at least I told him(her). Me and Banana is now taking a break(she is so livid) as she puts it that I broke a promise not to tell. Banana was given 3 months to clear this up. Each time citing that she did not have time or the place to talk to Citrus.

I hate having this to cost to me as it has. I love banana to death and she cannot see the strain that Citrus and her has put on my family because of this. I can only hope one day in her young life that she can understand why truth and honesty means more than ass.
 
Banana was given 3 months to clear this up. Each time citing that she did not have time or the place to talk to Citrus.
...
I can only hope one day in her young life that she can understand why truth and honesty means more than ass.
I get your sentiment :/
 
Banana sounds like she's blame shifting. She had plenty of time to clean up her own mess.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

I hate having this to cost to me as it has. I love banana to death and she cannot see the strain that Citrus and her has put on my family because of this. I can only hope one day in her young life that she can understand why truth and honesty means more than ass.
Yup.

Galagirl
 
I was asked by Banana not to say anything to the couple.

This is what I got from dandelion today

"What is it that you would like me to say? I lost someone who was pretty much my best friend, someone I could confide in because of you being a selfish, childish little boy. There was NOTHING going on between Citrus and Banana. That door was nailed shut. There was no secret relationship, or any behind your back fucking going on with them. But because your jealous and insecure and hate the fact that she can bring her son to play with our kids, you got your way by throwing a temper tantrum. You won. You got what you wanted. She stopped being our FRIEND. So I really don't see why there's anything to talk about. Big bad "Daddy Dom", acted like a five year old little boy who had to share his toy and made her choose. So, really what's left to say? You wanted Citrus gone. You got your wish. And now I have to suffer because I lost my best friend. So, I don't see anything left to say. You got what you wanted. Rid of us."

"Your opinions and views on the issue were very different." My opinions? What do you mean by that ? What Dandelion said ?

So you feel that Citrus and Banana have lied to Dandelion. Told her (or him, not sure) that they are just friends, there was no sex. And that you "made" them stop being "friends" just because somehow you're jealous that they have playdates for their kids??? Yeah, that makes sense. :rolleyes:

But Banana had told you in no uncertain terms that she and Citrus have had sex and are in love. I don't get why, if they told Dandelion there is nothing going on between them, that she can't keep getting together with them. :confused:

Weird ass shit. You might be better off out of that circle of lies and drama. Sometimes we don't see who are lovers really are until the 2nd year of the relationship!
 
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This is one of those situations that can vary wildly, depending on who's describing it. I'm going to trust in the verisimilitude of NCShadow.
I lost someone ... I could confide in because of you being a selfish, childish little boy.
... your jealous and insecure
... you got your way by throwing a temper tantrum.
Big bad "Daddy Dom", acted like a five year old little boy ...
And now I have to suffer ...
Rid of us.
This degree of defensiveness & counterattack is often a clear sign that someone's been busted for doing something that they've known all along was wrong, like a violation of an explicit or intrinsic agreement, or breaking a deep trust.

My guess is that you have a choice: either back down & accept blame for the "damage" you've done in sticking to your principles (also accepting that this will be used in the future to "keep you in line"), or draw a line & be stubborn. If you go with the latter, then the choice is up to them: get their sh!t together, or gather up their sh!t & get gone.

Personally, other than agreed-upon "brat" play, any play-partner who backtalks ME as a Dom is immediately a former play-partner. IMO, life's too short to tolerate "topping from the bottom." ;)
 
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