Online dating blows

"No drama" is a pet peeve of mine. When I see it, I assume the person wants only a very casual relationship. I am not to expect that my needs will be met, and I'm not to make a fuss about anything they do, no matter how callous. In other words, people looking for no drama often seem to be the ones creating the drama.
 
"No drama" is a pet peeve of mine. When I see it, I assume the person wants only a very casual relationship. I am not to expect that my needs will be met, and I'm not to make a fuss about anything they do, no matter how callous. In other words, people looking for no drama often seem to be the ones creating the drama.

Good point. I hadn't thought of it that way. The reason I had put it was not wanting inappropriate talk. Meaning hey baby send me naked pictures. So I guess it should be worded differently.
 
"No drama" is a pet peeve of mine. When I see it, I assume the person wants only a very casual relationship. I am not to expect that my needs will be met, and I'm not to make a fuss about anything they do, no matter how callous. In other words, people looking for no drama often seem to be the ones creating the drama.

This is ABSOLUTELY what I see. XBF told me they 'don't do drama,' clearly scorning all those he thinks DO do drama. I came to understand it meant exactly that--we do whatever we want and YOU are not supposed to cause any waves.

Good point. I hadn't thought of it that way. The reason I had put it was not wanting inappropriate talk. Meaning hey baby send me naked pictures. So I guess it should be worded differently.

I think you need to just say that, then. I think people who make a habit of asking for and sending such pictures don't see that as 'drama' at all. In their experience both people are having fun, and you're the problem for being so uptight about just being asked. They would never see the word drama and conclude it's about asking/or not asking for nude pictures.
 
This is ABSOLUTELY what I see. XBF told me they 'don't do drama,' clearly scorning all those he thinks DO do drama. I came to understand it meant exactly that--we do whatever we want and YOU are not supposed to cause any waves.



I think you need to just say that, then. I think people who make a habit of asking for and sending such pictures don't see that as 'drama' at all. In their experience both people are having fun, and you're the problem for being so uptight about just being asked. They would never see the word drama and conclude it's about asking/or not asking for nude pictures.


Thanks I plan on taking that down. One thing I am learning is I cannot control other people or give rules as to how to live their life. How people talk to me is their choice and how I respond is mine.

Yes I can be uptight sometimes depending on the situation. And no I do not ever send nude pics. Not even to my own husband. Not being a prude just had a few mishaps before and would rather not have them happen again.
 
Thanks I plan on taking that down. One thing I am learning is I cannot control other people or give rules as to how to live their life. How people talk to me is their choice and how I respond is mine.

Yes I can be uptight sometimes depending on the situation. And no I do not ever send nude pics. Not even to my own husband. Not being a prude just had a few mishaps before and would rather not have them happen again.

I'm definitely not saying you're uptight for not sending nude pictures. I'm saying, this is how these guys will interpret it.
 
Hi again, Belladonna!

I agree 100% with the point others have made about "I am not looking for drama". I once shared a squatted warehouse in Amsterdam with about 8 people (we were open to others moving in). The oldest of the group announced, soon after we'd secured the building and moved our things in, "I hope there aren't going to be any power games in this house, they can be such a bore!" Of course she didn't want any power games! She wanted us all to consider her (as most "mature" member) to be the undisputed leader. When arguing a point, she'd often start a sentence with "Young man..." in an exasperated tone.

I'm not equating you with her: I'm just agreeing that others (on OKC) might interpret that sentence of yours as others (on this thread) have described.

I want to repeat my advice: If you love to laugh, put some humour into your profile. I gave a few examples, but my sense of humour isn't yours, so work on your own "patter". If I get turned on by women who make me laugh, give me a hint of what's to come.

I think that nycindie's suggestion is good. Right at the beginning, something like: "[Desperate] Men who mass-message all the female profiles on here don't awake my interest. Show me that you've actually read my profile if you want a reply from me."

A few other details from your latest proposal:

Hi. Thanks for coming and checking out my page. I do not have a pic up but I am on kik and will exchange pictures that way.
This is possibly creating false expectations, and is where you should nix the nude pix. You could give reasons why you don't want your photo on OKCupid (without mentioning the future CEO).
e.g. Hi. Thanks for actually reading this thing! I'd rather you were interested in me as a person than because of the way I look. (I'm beautiful either way, honest!) So I don't post my photo here. I'm far from ashamed of my looks, though, so we could exchange pix on kik if we decide that the other interest is there. (I don't do nudies, so don't ask for them.)

I am pretty spontaneous and will try anything once. I think if it scares you then it's worth trying.
If you want to say that you'll get off on scaring him, leave it like this.
Otherwise, maybe:
I am pretty spontaneous - and VERY brave [perhaps omit here "- and will try anything once"]. I reckon: "if it's scary then it's got to be worth trying [- at least once!]!"
Though (I don't know) you might be creating false expectations here as well?

I am married and in an open marriage. First and foremost I am not looking for drama. I love my life and look forward to meeting new people. I am hoping to find friends on here that can turn into more.
I am married and in an open marriage. I love my life and my husband (and he loves me), so I'm not looking to swap either of them for "something/someone better". Neither my husband nor I cheat because we're perfectly honest with each other about our other relationships. We won't have relationships with cheats, either, so if you're into the "high drama" of infidelity, give us both a miss. (When I said that I like "scary", I did not mean jealous wives aiming shotguns at me.)

I am looking forward to meeting new people. I am hoping to find friends on here that can turn into more.
 
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I'm starting to think the word "drama" is over used. Who even knows what it means?

I have loads of people I know, and I follow their lives a bit, know what's going on. I can tell you one friend has had a bad turn of fortune and his family is now living in a tent, and another friend is on a new antidepressant and he's having a tough time of it, and he just broke up with his girlfriend. Another friend lost her art studio recently and that sucks and another has won the battle with cancer, and has a great new relationship in his life. I like people. I'm an extrovert. For some, ALL of this, is "drama." For me, it's the rich tapestry of human stories that I like to see as they weave all around me.

"No drama" on a dating profile might mean:

"I'm an unforgiving and selfish person who doesn't want to support you if you have a tough time. A true fair-weather-friend."

"I expect you to not come with a past, and hope to never hear about your ex or your kids."

"I expect you to not add a burden of stress to my life. Manage your shit, I'm not going to do it for you."

"I want casual sex with no feelings."

"I attract people whose lives are train wrecks, very possibly because my life is a train wreck but I'm not going to admit that. I am forever surrounded by drama, because I create the drama. I'm a drama hurricane. NO DRAMA!"

It could mean anything. I have never understood it to mean, "No asking for naked pictures."

Oh, and by the way, when I have seen people talk about kik (which I've never used, but have heard of)...with the guys, they normally use it because they want to exchange sexy or nude pictures. All of the men on OKC who have asked me to get on kik, wanted to swap nudes. I don't do that either, in general, though I have begun to make a few exceptions on fetlife that are fairly non-explicit...but they are set to "friends only" and are...I don't know...artistic, rather than pornographic.

So I agree, if you're going to mention kik, that is the time to mention that you do NOT do naked pics, and maybe also mention that you have no desire to see naked pictures of their man-junk. Unless you want to see their man junk. That's up to you though. lol
 
Just wanted to add that if you're driving a Jetta, there's a whole bunch of VW fans who would start a conversation based on that alone. ;)
 
In screenwriting, what makes a drama (rather than a comedy) is conflict. Conflict and drama go hand in hand. So, I always interpret "I'm not into any drama" as "I'm not into any conflict." They don't want anyone who's going to give them lip, stir up shit for no reason, etc.
 
In screenwriting, what makes a drama (rather than a comedy) is conflict. Conflict and drama go hand in hand. So, I always interpret "I'm not into any drama" as "I'm not into any conflict." They don't want anyone who's going to give them lip, stir up shit for no reason, etc.

Yeah I dunno. I think that some conflict is natural and how we handle it speaks a lot to character. I want to be able to calmly talk through stuff, when there is stuff. Maintain a position of respectfulness, and air our issues, come to greater understanding, always be kind.

This works well between me and probably...most people.

It's why I often go the route of being friends (to some extent) with exes.

But a friend who is in my age range (and honestly, I like older people because they often seem to have less drama than those my age and younger) who is having a breakup now, and letting me know how her friends were talking shit about him, and how he can't be friends with her and he's going to block her and wants to do vindictive things in the general direction of her family and so on... Dude. Same guy likes to talk about how this person and that person in the scene doesn't like him or he doesn't like them. And everyone I know either loves this guy, or hates him.

There are people in this world who, even if I really dig them, I feel a desire to put up walls, boundaries, safe arm's length because I feel like if they got pissed off at me, the shit talk would be off the charts, that they take some kind of enjoyment from the conflicts and the negative stuff.

To ME, that is drama. When I say that I prefer my interactions to be low drama or drama free, that's what I mean...not "no conflict"...but healthier conflict resolution, preferably.

Now if we are talking about like TV shows, and any human conflict qualifies...as I said, I find human stories and stuff going on in people's lives to be interesting. And I definitely know some with far smaller social groups who think that the things I talk about, constitute "drama." Maybe they do. I don't know.
 
I didn't say that life or relationships shouldn't have conflict. Conflict is natural on a planet with billions of people.

But some people create conflict -- and creating conflict for conflict's sake = drama.

If there is no conflict on the movie screen, it will be a pretty boring, un-dramatic movie. Some people are afraid of living boring lives and are drawn to creating conflict and building it up because it gives them a rush, a problem to conquer, and a sense of purpose or something to accomplish, even if they are complaining about having to deal with it! And people like that, I call drama queens.

When I see dating profiles stating that the person doesn't want drama, because of my screenwriting training and experience, I see the subtext that they don't want to deal with conflict, and I tend to scoff at that. Because conflict happens. I want someone who can handle conflict and be willing to make some effort to resolve it, not avoid it altogether.

I can also see the other side of it, because I don't want to get involved with someone who is used to creating drama in their life, instead of looking for peace and happiness.

But people who say in their profiles that they want to avoid drama tend to make me want to question that a bit, because it seems unrealistic to me.
 
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I didn't say that life or relationships shouldn't have conflict. Conflict is natural on a planet with billions of people.

But some people create conflict -- and creating conflict for conflict's sake = drama.

If there is no conflict on the movie screen, it will be a pretty boring, un-dramatic movie. Some people are afraid of living boring lives and are drawn to creating conflict and building it up because it gives them a rush, a problem to conquer, and a sense of purpose or something to accomplish, even if they are complaining about having to deal with it! And people like that, I call drama queens.

When I see dating profiles stating that the person doesn't want drama, because of my screenwriting training and experience, I see the subtext that they don't want to deal with conflict, and I tend to scoff at that. Because conflict happens. I want someone who can handle conflict and be willing to make some effort to resolve it, not avoid it altogether.

I can also see the other side of it, because I don't want to get involved with someone who is used to creating drama in their life, instead of looking for peace and happiness.

But people who say in their profiles that they want to avoid drama tend to make me want to question that a bit, because it seems unrealistic to me.

You ever see a ridiculous warning sign? Like I think there was a spoof sign on Facebook supposedly in Florida (probably fake) but it said, "Please do not give the alligators acid" or something. You know, absurd signs. I think we've all seen one or two in real life that made us raise an eyebrow, and you say to yourself,
... "This is a problem? Like, this has happened enough, that it warrants an actual sign?"...

To me, the protestations against drama on dating profiles make me think that this person has had a series of drama filled relationships, and they're not seeing that they are the common denominator in it. Which means they either attract fixer-uppers, or they manufacture drama without conscious effort.

And lest anyone point to me and say something about glass houses and stones, I did not have any anti-drama statements on my profile, and I fully acknowledged that during the time I was on there I was still living with a crazy person and my life was in fact fairly dramatic. I actually used to say (sometimes say, still) "I wouldn't date me."

My perspective is...I come with a certain set of stuff. Everybody's got stuff. This is what my stuff looks like, I try to manage it, I think it could be worse. But if a prospective partner didn't want to get involved with me, and my stuff, I always would have understood, and I wouldn't have blamed them.

That's why I used to make the classic "profile mistake" of disclaimering the hell out of my situation. But I've been off of OKC since last September, I think? Something like that.
 
To me, the protestations against drama on dating profiles make me think that this person has had a series of drama filled relationships, and they're not seeing that they are the common denominator in it. Which means they either attract fixer-uppers, or they manufacture drama without conscious effort.

This is another good point.
 
I saw a user profile on PMM where someone made NO DRAMA very clear.

...five times. :eek: Yep; "trainwreck looking for a place to happen" was my estimate.

Clearly, the term "drama" is misused in most instances.

FWIW, there are two types of Greek drama, the comedy & the tragedy. From this, you can see where all Marx Brothers films are dramas. :D

I don't see anything wrong with drama, & that's maybe because I've hung out with so many musicians, actors, writers, speakers, & performers. It's fun to intentionally overact to amuse friends.

Now, I do happen to detest cheap melodrama, which is (per Eric Berne & Transactional Analysis) "scripty" behavior.
melodrama consistently displays "key constitutive factors": pathos, overwrought or heightened emotion, moral polarization (good vs. evil), non-classical narrative structure (e.g., use of extreme coincidence and "deus ex machina"), and sensationalism (emphasis on action, violence, and thrills).

Melodrama films are ... characterised by a plot that appeals to the heightened emotions of the audience. They generally depend on stereotyped character development, interaction, and highly emotional themes. Melodramatic films tend to use plots that often deal with crises of human emotion, failed romance or friendship, strained familial situations, tragedy, illness, neuroses, or emotional and physical hardship.

Victims, couples, virtuous and heroic characters or suffering protagonists (usually heroines) in melodramas are presented with tremendous social pressures, threats, repression, fears, improbable events or difficulties with friends, community, work, lovers, or family. The melodramatic format allows the character to work through their difficulties or surmount the problems with resolute endurance, sacrificial acts, and steadfast bravery.
And by "cheap" I mean when you watch the beginning of a TV program & within seconds know how it's going to play out, because they'd already begun trying to "cue" your emotions with something that's trite, hackneyed, cliche, & you've seen it a dozen or a hundred times before.
 
What a great conversation going on here! Very illuminating.

This newish term of calling life events "drama" has always seemed belittling to me. As if life should be a calm pool, or a bowl of oatmeal, nothing much going on. And if you have any conflict or anger or stress or differences of opinions or even bad health, you're doing life wrong.

Personally, when we have physical, or more importantly, psychic pain, that is just normal life. And my attitude is, we have a problem, we need a solution.

And the way people find solutions to their problems is where we get to be creative, supportive, brilliant and even heroic. Conflict resolution is an art. Conflict avoidance is cowardly.
 
Just wanted to add that if you're driving a Jetta, there's a whole bunch of VW fans who would start a conversation based on that alone. ;)

Thanks. I hadn't thought of that.
 
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