Help me!

Tiger08

New member
Hi everyone, I'm a new member and really need some help.

My wife and I have been together for 25 years, we are both 46. I have a younger friend who is 23 years old and have known him for about 10 years. For many years I've listened to him talk about how hot my wife is and how fun it we be of we could have a threesome with her and of course being a typical man, I thought yeah that would be fun.
Last June, he was having girlfriend issues and moved in with us and everything just kinda moved along, of course he would still mention how fun it would be to get with my wife. Last December, my wife and I were on the subject of a popular female singer and I said, oh man would I love to get her in with us. My wife's reply was, I couldn't bring another woman into the bed but another man I could.
Well, somehow in the course of talk over a couple days, our young 23 year old friend ended up in bed with us and so began the poly relationship.
My intention originally was just bedroom fun, I didn't even know what this poly thing was, or that it even existed. My wife was explaining it to me and also convinced me that it was normal to love more than one man and seeing how her and him were developing feelings for each other, I decided to go along with it.

Fast foward to yesterday. Two weeks ago I was in a bad car accident and have pretty much been laid up but I can still perform in bed. Our young partner doesn't think I should be messing around like that, so he hasn't wanted to be involved in the three thing. Yesterday, he sent my wife a text saying he really wanted her but wasn't comfortable doing it at the house with me and our kids at home. My wife made arrangements for a room and dinner at a local casino for the both of them and on their date they went.
Now, here's where it gets bad. The whole time they were gone, I wanted nothing more than someone to come along and put a bullet in my head! The feeling of knowing that someone is with your wife in bed and having no control over it is really scary to me. This is not my first jealousy issue with this relationship, yes I keep blowing it but dang, how do I deal with this? I was really hurt that I wasn't invited along and to make matters worse, him and I had a small argument yesterday over nothing to do with the relationship but non the less, I was kinda pissed at him.
I have sat and encouraged my wife and him for the last couple of weeks to get out and be alone and connect but as soon as last night hit, I completely fell apart.
I know people here have had simillar issues and I would really like to know how to handle my jealousy in a better less frustrating way. Now to throw another twist on the situation. I have been attracted to men most of my life and my wife knows it, although I really have never gone out and experienced it. I kinda fell for our partner and my wife knows, because she's the one that somehow managed to point it out to me, even though I tried to deny it. Could it be be that I'm jealous of both of them? Either way, I want this thing to work and could really use some advice! Thank you.
 
Shot in the dark here... If you wife told you she sees that you're attracted to the new guy, is it possible she told him that too? Maybe he's uncomfortable being in a threesome with you because he's not bi and afraid of what you might do.
As far as the jealousy is concerned, has your relationship with your wife changed? Is it better? (I know it was between my husband and I when we opened up) If its better then focus on the good and give yourself some time to adjust. Its not an overnight process.
If your relationship with your wife is worse, then you guys need to be talking. A lot and very soon.
Are you ok with being a V instead of a triad? Are you only ok with this situation if you are both involved with him? Does he have any leanings toward being attracted to men? Hes a young guy, does he want a serious relationship with your wife or both of you or neither? How healthy was your marriage before this all started? Is this situation enhancing your lives or shining a spotlight on cracks in your relationship that were already there but unacknowledged?
 
I have been attracted to men most of my life and my wife knows it, although I really have never gone out and experienced it. I kinda fell for our partner and my wife knows, because she's the one that somehow managed to point it out to me, even though I tried to deny it. Could it be be that I'm jealous of both of them? Either way, I want this thing to work and could really use some advice! Thank you.

You buried the lead here, Tiger!

I'd imagine that your feelings for this young man are pretty overwhelming since you have suppressed your attraction to men in general. You'll find a lot more satisfaction and a lot less anxiety in exploring this aspect of yourself (not necessarily acting, but thinking) rather than focussing on thoughts of what your wife is doing. Thoughts pertaining to you and what you want are going to lead along a much more peaceful and fruitful path than thoughts that are leading toward struggle to control and understand what isn't in your purview to control or understand (AKA: anxiety.) You can do all sorts of mental gymnastics to "try and not feel jealous," but IMO that is just a whole lotta suffering for minimal return. You can't make unpleasant thoughts go away, you replace them with thoughts that are more rewarding for you. Think about what you want and what makes you happy. That's the real treasure in all of this.
 
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I'm having a hard time imagining having suppressed homoerotic sex and feelings for a boy (he is still a boy) that you've known since he was 13! EW! What is your connection to him that you've known him that long? Your wife should also start doing the work of imagining you with a 23 year old woman and see how that suits her. I'm afraid they are going to leave you in their dust.
 
Hmmm... you don't mind them having sex with each other if you are present, but you want a bullet in your head (quite a dramatic picture you painted, isn't it?) if they do it without you. Just what do you think is going to be different? They will enjoy each other's company and bodies without you? So, you're having a tantrum like a little boy who doesn't want to share his toy. You want to be in control of the situation, and in control of your wife.

News flash: your wife is not your property! She is an autonomous being and doesn't belong to you. She has every right to choose what she does with her body and her life, and it ain't up to you, so it's time to deal with that fact.
 
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Hmmm... you don't mind them having sex with each other if you are present, but you want a bullet in your head (quite a dramatic picture you painted, isn't it?) if they do it without you. Just what do you think is going to be different? They will enjoy each other's company and bodies without you? So, you're having a tantrum like a little boy who doesn't want to share his toy. You want to be in control of the situation, and in control of your wife.

News flash: your wife is not your property! She is an autonomous being and doesn't belong to you. She has every right to choose what she does with her body and her life, and it ain't up to you, so it's time to deal with that fact.

I appreciate the info everyone has given and will try my best to adjust to this.

As far as this last post goes, this is a new thing to us and although you may have lived many years in this type of situation, we lived many years in the traditional way. I know my wife doesn't belong to me but after living with someone for 25 years, it's a little bit of a different thing to try and handle.
I posted here looking for some understanding and wasn't looking to be ridiculed by anyone.
 
You buried the lead here, Tiger!

I'd imagine that your feelings for this young man are pretty overwhelming since you have suppressed your attraction to men in general. You'll find a lot more satisfaction and a lot less anxiety in exploring this aspect of yourself (not necessarily acting, but thinking) rather than focussing on thoughts of what your wife is doing. Thoughts pertaining to you and what you want are going to lead along a much more peaceful and fruitful path than thoughts that are leading toward struggle to control and understand what isn't in your purview to control or understand (AKA: anxiety.) You can do all sorts of mental gymnastics to "try and not feel jealous," but IMO that is just a whole lotta suffering for minimal return. You can't make unpleasant thoughts go away, you replace them with thoughts that are more rewarding for you. Think about what you want and what makes you happy. That's the real treasure in all of this.


It' not that I need to sexually be with a man, it's just men and women are both human and they both have feelings. My problem is I don't know where to draw the line at how much I love or care about someone of the same sex.
My attraction towards the other guy has dropped off a lot. I love him very much as my good friend but I also know that it will go no further than that.
I have always been a very sexually active person and very much enjoy pleasing my wife. When it comes to me being satisfied, she's all I need.
Jealousy is an ugly thing! These two people are a very important part of my life. When everything goes well, we get along great and really enjoy our time together. I just need to find a way to overcome the bad moments that hit me.
 
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On another side note, Im curious as to how many poly couples both have other partners? Could it be that part of my issue is being off on the sidelines?
I really have no desire to be with anyone else but I have to wonder If that would smooth out the issues that I'm having here. My wife already has said that it would bother her if I was to get involved with someone and although she supports loving more than one person, I really respect her feelings and wouldn't want her to be hurt.
 
I hope your wife's not trying to exert control over you. I'd estimate that a V (three people) is quite a bit more common than an N (four people). But, you have to figure out what works best for you.
 
I really have no desire to be with anyone else but I have to wonder If that would smooth out the issues that I'm having here. My wife already has said that it would bother her if I was to get involved with someone and although she supports loving more than one person, I really respect her feelings and wouldn't want her to be hurt.

You do not want to draw in another person as a means to avoid your jealously. It won't work and it's a pretty unsavory basis for a relationship, wouldn't you agree?
Re: jealousy, you don't eradicate it so much as you find other things to focus on and the amount of space it takes up in your thoughts recedes. In my experience, examining jealousy just increases it. Creating an interesting and absorbing life for yourself, separate from dependency on your wife and her doings is a great start. Just because your wife is having experiences doesn't mean that you have to have the exact same experiences in order to feel peaceful and happy. Allow your wife some separation from you (and it sounds like she could do with a bit of the same from you.)

Also, I can't imagine that your simmering same-sex attraction isn't a pretty big factor in all of this.

I don't really understand why you and your wife are exploring non-monogamy since neither of you feels OK about the other being with anyone else. i'm sure it's no surprise to know that there would be a parade of 23 year old guys hot for your wife, but that doesn't mean that inviting them into your bedroom is good for your marriage since both of you have such intense jealously and fear. Sounds like it might be time to say "Thanks for the memories, but this just isn't for us." ??
 
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You do not want to draw in another person as a means to avoid your jealously. It won't work and it's a pretty unsavory basis for a relationship, wouldn't you agree?
Re: jealousy, you don't eradicate it so much as you find other things to focus on and the amount of space it takes up in your thoughts recedes. In my experience, examining jealousy just increases it. Creating an interesting and absorbing life for yourself, separate from dependency on your wife and her doings is a great start. Just because your wife is having experiences doesn't mean that you have to have the exact same experiences in order to feel peaceful and happy. Allow your wife some separation from you (and it sounds like she could do with a bit of the same from you.)

Also, I can't imagine that your simmering same-sex attraction isn't a pretty big factor in all of this.





I don't really understand why you and your wife are exploring non-monogamy since neither of you feels OK about the other being with anyone else. i'm sure it's no surprise to know that there would be a parade of 23 year old guys hot for your wife, but that doesn't mean that inviting them into your bedroom is good for your marriage since both of you have such intense jealously and fear. Sounds like it might be time to say "Thanks for the memories, but this just isn't for us." ??


I'm sure you're right on the first count, maybe wouldn't be too smart hooking up with someone just to satisfy my problems, besides It wouldn't by fair to another woman to get her involved like that.

As far as the rest of this situation, I kinda have to take responsibility for it. Granted it takes three to tango but I'm the one that initially brought it up to her and can't condemn her now for falling in love with him. My wife is a hard working business owner and she would go to the moon and back for our kids and I. Since my accident, she has faithfully as much as she could, stuck by my side. I know she is genuinely still very much in love with me also and she very much enjoys her time with both of us.
Although there have been a few times that I wish she would just put everything to a halt, I would rather it by by her own decision and not something that I caused.
 
Poly people have jealousy; it happens. Doesn't necessarily mean they need to quit poly; examining one's jealousy can be a worthwhile learning experience.
 
Ah, that's a possibility.
 
Seems to me there is a lot more going on here than a little visit from the green eyed monster.[/QUOTE

Your help has been great and I appreciate you taking time out to help me with this. There may be more going on with us in general but as far as the other guy and my attractions, believe me when I say that it's not a big deal anymore.
I have no reason to lie about it, Im here for help and to be as upfront and honest as possible.
I've been attracted to many women in the past and before anything got off the ground, I was over them. It's the same thing here with him.
 
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Is it poly hell feelings? Are you mourning the loss of the old normal? Even though you enjoy some of the new normal that is still coming in and not totally established yet? Adjusting to change takes time.


Is it compounded by patient blues and feeling left out as you heal from your accident?

Galagirl

I have been a little more depressed since the accident and anticipating surgery doesn't help either. So although there has been issues over thei last few months, the accident may have made it a little worse.

Yes, I really have enjoyed some of the new experiences but you're right, I do miss the old norm and like mentioned earlier, I'm gonna have to just let that take its course and see where it ends up.
 
I'm guessing you're not answering my question about your relationship with this guy because the answer is unsavory. I'm not here to judge but I do think knowing who this guy is in terms of how you have known him since he was 13 years old MIGHT be something important to analyze. It would seem to add a very different twist compared to some random 23 yo guy you just met.
 
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