Sexual Addiction?

Hello Everyone,

As most of you know, the wonderful lifestyle we lead has some significant advantages to it. Being able to love and be loved by more than one but also the intimate connections as well.

But I can argue that there is a difference between making love (emotional connection) vs having sex. Any couple engaged in the act of swinging out there can attest that they are quite a bit different.

So after 3+ years in this lifestyle I have learned a lot about my own sexuality. I (we) have experienced a lot mind blowing events and we encouraged each other to experiment. The act is wonderful and intoxicating for myself and my partners.

I am however, surprised as to how much I crave the experimentation process and the pursuit of my boundaries. I and my OSO continually think of new ways to push to envelope. It's fun for both of us but I am always wanting more. I think about it all the time (a lot!) and I worry that I will convince myself to go outside of the relationship to continue this discovery. I know they worry about me in this regard.

A healthy sexual libido is one thing, but when thoughts & fantasies go beyond your relationships, acting upon them can only leave to destruction.

I feel that I can write a book about what it takes to lead a successful Poly lifestyle, but these triggers are very powerful and it feels like I become a different person.

So what shall I do about this?

I have attended a few "sex addicts annonymous" group meetings. But, my situation is different to most. The question I ponder is... what is considered healthy and what is considered destructive? I find that there is a very thin line between the two.

Thanks for listening.

~S
 
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I am however, surprised as to how much I crave the experimentation process and the pursuit of my boundaries. I and my OSO continually think of new ways to push to envelope. It's fun for both of us but I am always wanting more. I think about it all the time (a lot!) and I worry that I will convince myself to go outside of the relationship to continue this discovery. I know they worry about me in this regard.

Not sure what "go outside of the relationship" means here. Are you referring to cheating? What do you and your partners consider cheating?
 
Yes that's right Karen.

We are a closed quad. Definitely going outside of that would be considered cheating
 
Hi Squashking,

I am thinking that you should look for a poly-friendly therapist/counselor whom you can talk to.

Is there any chance your quad would consider opening?

Just a couple of thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin.

I am looking into finding a therapist.

I am very certain that opening up is not possible. At least I am not emotionally ready for the monsoon of drama that convo would create.

Perhaps I may need to show a little restraint. What is it that they say... Too much of a good thing... 😜
 
I think I understand what you're saying ... and I consider it a good sign that you speak with some confidence about showing restraint. It's like a reminder that you can choose your actions, even if your emotions arise unbidden.

I have links to help you find that therapist if it would help. Let me know.

Sending you my best wishes,
Kevin T.
 
You seem to be presenting a false dichotomy where sex that includes your committed partners is "good" and sex that is recreational, casual and impulsive is "bad". To me, sex is only inherently bad if the people involved are left feeling negatively about the experience. Perhaps a closed relationship isn't the best way for you to express your sexuality and you need room to explore which this quad doesn't permit. There is nothing wrong with that and do not allow anyone to tell you that your desire for sex outside of commitment is wrong. It isn't. It just might not suit your current partners.
 
I am however, surprised as to how much I crave the experimentation process and the pursuit of my boundaries......when thoughts & fantasies go beyond your relationships, acting upon them can only leave to destruction.

If sexual fidelity isn't working for you, then that's very important to know. I wouldn't call the longing to experiment sexual addiction, it's just something that is calling to you and the more you struggle to resist, the more attractive it gets. It is not true across the board that acting on thoughts and fantasies outside of a relationship leads to destruction. Some committed relationships allow for this and it can be great for all involved. You do seem rather Good/Bad oriented with "Good" being sexual and romantic fidelity. If you seek counseling, I'd encourage you to do so not with the intent to fortify your restraint so that you can be "Good," but to figure out which relationship agreements are right for you and which no longer serve you.
 
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You are being very general in your description of what you are seeking that is out of bounds in your quad. I agree with what FA said above. I have specific sexual needs that fell outside the boundaries of a formerly monogamous relationship. I attempted to shelve those needs for the sake of my partner. It was very unhealthy for me and our relationship to do so. Hopefully you can work out some arrangement with your existing partners.
 
Thank you for all your comments, I completely understand.

Perhaps my arrangement does not allow me the room to explore as much as I would like.

The primary question remains is whether we would agree to open our group. I know the answer is NO. We all feel we have found a near perfect situation based on our unique mixture of personalities, goals, and deep love we have for each other... we talk about that often. I do know that I not prepared to deal with the aftermath that type of conversation would create.

Perhaps that may change down the road as our quad evolves.

It's clear to me now that I am not suffering from some kind of sexual addiction. I am just simply a healthy person who wishes to explore and enjoy his heightened libido before age takes it from me :)

~S
 
Perhaps my arrangement does not allow me the room to explore as much as I would like.....I do know that I am not prepared to deal with the aftermath that type of conversation would create.

I'm gonna guess that 90% of married and otherwise heavily entangled over-40 adults feel similarly. Deeply desiring others is certainly not unusual or a problem in and of itself, for it's a biproduct of sexual fidelity that eventually surfaces. What is a problem are the impossible expectations many of us set for ourselves.
 
Perhaps my arrangement does not allow me the room to explore as much as I would like.

The primary question remains is whether we would agree to open our group. I know the answer is NO. We all feel we have found a near perfect situation based on our unique mixture of personalities, goals, and deep love we have for each other... we talk about that often. I do know that I not prepared to deal with the aftermath that type of conversation would create.

...

This comment made me feel sad, Squashking. It's clearly not a 'near perfect' situation if the mere fact of your desire to explore and experiment outside of the quad led you to consider if you were a sex addict. And the deep fear you express - which perhaps you may not realize is there - about telling your partners your desires, dreams, fantasies is worrying. You may indeed be correct that your quad - all 4 of you - may not want to open up at this time. But I really hope they are not as shut down to hearing who you are and what you want as you hint at. Or perhaps you struggle with telling others who you are and what you want? It is certainly difficult and scary. I really hope your quad is not as unwilling to listen to it's members as you present it to be.
 
Oh don't be sad :)

We have been leading this lifestyle for over 3 years now. I am not saying we (I) are experts in any way but I can assume that each group of people has its own dynamic/personality. It may sound easy enough to have a conversation like that but you cannot go into it blindly loaded with self desire. You need to consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved.

I typically don't have a problem with telling people anything. But if I know it will hurt them, I need to carefully choose the right approach. We all do that and perhaps that is one of the reasons why we have lasted this long.

Our quad is always evolving so perhaps one day I will discuss this... just not today.

~S
 
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Sexual addiction vs high libido.

I think there will be missteps that involve disappointment and emotional pain in the process of sorting out how any relationship style works for us. Sex addiction involves a destructive cycle of shame and impulse. Poly is a relationship style that can delay personal realizations because acting on impulse isn't always outside the rules for some.

Using new bodies to ignore personal shame. Repeated attractions to mentally unstable or clearly codependent people. Acting deceptive and intentional overstepping of agreed upon boundaries with people too messy to remain covert. In other words, subconsciously trying to get caught. Inability to take responsibility for mistakes (feeling shame) without making more of the same mistakes (trying to escape shame) with someone new and unaware of those mistakes.

None of this is natural to recreational or casual sex.
 
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