Getting the most out of the boards.

1234567

New member
I love the feedback and growth I get from the boards.

But am starting to feel like I’m “running the gauntlet” every time I post.

I get a lot of REALLY helpful responses. Analysis, skills, new perspectives, insights . And Kevin’s gentle sweet encouragement . Which make this where I want tocreach out to.

And a few that come across as “you know, you really suck at this’s. obvious unskilled newbie here. . I’m going to tell you so.” Usually people’s preconceptions kicking in—I’m neither newbie or what they portray me as - so I tray and head that off by giving more detail- on what I’m thinking, on the situation, or self-validating in response.

If takes enough emotional labor to deal with- that I’m starting to think o might be betteenoff not posting .

But It’a not just here- it’s everywhere.

And I think it’s a strategy problem.

Is there anyway to diminish the amount of judgement and up the amount of kindness and insight people offer? So I’m not opening myself up to quite as much condemnation?

I’m starting to feel like I’m totally misreading how to best deal with the culture here- and would like any gentle advice you have.

I hear to do names- I will.

I’m Trying to keep it a bit anonymous out of protection for some of the people in talibg about- who read the boards occasionally, as I fear oneday my posts will cause an explosion or breakup or breakdown. So I’m loathe to do a footer.
 
About the names - you don't have to use real ones. Just use any one name for the same person, so people understand the story. Avoiding splitting your story into too many separate threads may also help people keep track of what is going on. Those nicknames being in footers shouldn't matter - you don't use the real names - at all.

About the positive/judgmental/whatever stuff. I have been here for a while and find people vary in their levels of polite talk and bluntness, but there is tremendous wisdom here.

Also, often what you need to do but is hard - comes across as harsh, because you'd prefer not to face it.

No one here knows you. There is no reason for anyone to have a special bad attitude for you. Also, if you believe yourself to be experienced, but are coming across as a newbie to people used to responding to requests for advice, it is possible that there are some basic things you are having difficulty with, leading them to think that you may be new and not have come across them.

You can pick and choose what you want to hear and the chances are that you'll waste a lot of good advice because it doesn't agree with what you think. But what you currently know has got you into a problem, so there is no harm experimenting with a new perspective.

You have to decide whether your objective is to get the better ideas and put them to use to improve your real life or critique feedback skills of strangers irrelevant to your life and waste half the resources offered to you.

There is no service that can swoop in and make all the children behave and shake hands with you if you find them rude. No way to prevent specific kinds of responses unless you have the behavioral skills to craft your posts in a manner that influences people to respond in specific ways or something.

It may help to describe your situation as clearly as you can, so that people don't misunderstand.

Note: I have no idea what all posts you are referring to. I've been away for several months and have just seen a few posts by you.
 
I'm sure others will have ideas. Here's mine in case they help you or anyone else.

Making paragraphs helps. Sometimes people forget to hit the return key and it is a big wall of text. That's hard to read. (You don't have this problem.)

Nicknames help. They don't have to be real. I tend to pick a theme and go with it in alphabet order. Like fruit -- apple, banana, cherry, etc. Or plants -- aspen, bush, camphor, dogwood, etc.

A clear topic sentence and what you hope to get helps.

Sometimes people are upset when they are writing, and that is ok. But laying things out in some kind of order helps. Because the author knows who they are talking about and what they mean. But the reader is coming to the story from nowhere... so if not laid out in order it could be very hard to follow.

Maybe something like...

  • "This post is about X. I am going to list the main characters, then the events in chronological order, then what I think the problem is/was. I would like advice at the end about ______ if possible, please."

  • "I am very upset. My post might not make sense. Mostly I just want to vent. I am going to air out, and at the end I would like some "hang in there" kind of messages."

A heads up and knowing what to expect from the post before getting into the post could help the reader provide input to the author in a way that is more useful.

When reading responses, assume positive intent. Keep in mind English may not be their first language or they may not be esp great at writing. There's also the problem of smartphones -- tiny typing, autocorrect and other stuff can make the author OR the reader posts come out wonky.

So the input may sound rough even if the intention is to try to help you. Sometimes things are just rough period. They may not be things you are ready to hear or deal with. It might feel like people ganging up on you, but if that many people seem to agree that X sounds a bit off? It might be time to listen. Or... don't listen. In the end, what you take from forum suggestions is up to you. You do not have to take all suggestions on board. You are in charge of you.

Remember that you can set people who bug you a lot to IGNORE. Then you don't have to see what they write on the board any more.

Here is how to do it.

  1. Find a post written by them. Click on their name. It will open a menu.
  2. Click on VIEW PUBLIC PROFILE.
  3. Under their name on that page, click on USER LISTS. It will open a menu.
  4. Then click on ADD TO IGNORE LIST.

Then anything they write, you won't see.

Galagirl
 
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Just to clarify - do the people you mention know your nickname here / would they recognize themselves despite nicknames? This is actually the one space I keep away from my partners - at least I'm pretty sure I do, I know Knight knows it exists but I'd prefer he doesn't read it and Artist is just not the introspective type in that particular sense to WANT a community like this - so the anonymity I have is more to save embarrassment if local people run across it. But I can imagine that being far different if I knew Knight or Artist or anyone else I write about were actually reading here.
 
The Victor Frankl/Carl Rogers view of counselling, based on empathy and empowerment.

Maybe we need a 'guidance' page before people post, to make explicit that the point is not to advise but to assist?
 
1234567,

You are under no obligation to respond in any way to anyone who posts on your threads. You are under no obligation to even read all of the posts on your threads. There is no emotional labor expected of you. No one here who replies to you expects or demands a response. It's lovely to get one, if you are so inclined, and clarification is often helpful. But it is never expected or demanded. You do not have to further explain anything. Now, it might be helpful. But never expected. Also, if someone asks you a question, you are under no obligation to reply. It's helpful and furthers the conversation, but is never required.

Block people who annoy you. It's easy, they don't know you've done it. I do it all the time. I've blocked people I've found frustrating, obnoxious, or dismissive. I've blocked people who seemed perfectly nice but their situation was stressful for me to read about. Block at will! It makes the forum much more manageable.

Take in the information and suggestions you find helpful. Mentally and emotionally dump all the rest. You don't have to believe or find helpful everything suggested to you. It's the internet. Use what you find useful and treat the rest as just not important. If we say something helpful, incorporate it but otherwise treat our words as spam, as junk mail. Throw it away and move on. Now that may sound dismissive. It is. That's the point. Don't blow your emotional energy here or elsewhere on the internet. That's what IRL is for.

The purpose of the forum (and speaking only for myself, not as admin or a mod) is not really to provide advice, although that happens. I think of it as a space for those exploring ethical non-monogamy, polyamory and related areas to interact, to find similarly minded people, to share their stores, to talk with others in similar situations. It's a community, not therapy or even an advice forum (although that is often a welcome side benefit).

I hope you stick around but, of course, you need to decide where you expend your time and energy.
 
I have found - and I'm not sure if this is your case, but it might - that the forum sometimes acts as a crooked mirror. It gives you reactions - amplified and contorted - to what you have put in. Meaning that if you write from a place of uncertainty, you'll get responses reacting to these worries of yours. You might then get worries amplified, although what would have been more effective overall is soothing. But people don't know that, people just react to what you write, and your tendency to pick out what's wrong combines with their tendencies to pick out what's wrong.
Ever since this happened to me in an exaggerated manner in one thread I'm much more careful what I write. Anyway, the trick there was to realize 'oh maybe they are not reacting to the actual situation, but to my internal issue'.

Besides, I find it interesting how you posed your question.
Is there anyway to diminish the amount of judgement and up the amount of kindness and insight people offer?
I'll be blunt 'cause I can't think of a helpful way around, you're probably a bit of a people-pleaser. You try for everyone around to be happy. You're worried not to disappoint people. If someone thinks your behavior is inappropriate, you feel diminished (instead of, for example, turning it around on them or telling them to fuck off). Is that accurate?
I think you could rather be asking why you're so deeply affected by people's real or perceived judgement and what steps you can take so that hearing judgement doesn't hurt your self-esteem.

Probably not what you wanted to read. But you know, if you decide that's not you, if you don't listen or don't take the steps, I won't be offended or judge you badly. Just offering my reaction to what you wrote.
I too hope you stick around.
 
Hi 1234567,

Sorry to hear that you have been getting some judgmental responses to your posts. I am reminded of one of the user guidelines here, which states, "Just because you've seen variations on the same problem 172,394 times before doesn't mean it's not a new and pressing issue for the person posting it. Keep the primary rule in mind and be considerate. Don't expect a new poster to know the ins and outs of poly jargon or to be well versed in poly theory; be gentle with them. Making judgments about other users, especially about the validity of their poly, is strongly discouraged." I sometimes wish more people would read this guideline, and take it to heart. Admittedly, sometimes someone can post something rude without meaning to. But if you find that the same individual is consistently putting you down, I recommend blocking them. Use this link ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/profile.php?do=ignorelist ... or click on "User CP," scroll down to "Settings & Options," and then click on "Edit Ignore List."

It may be of some help if when you post, you come right out and ask for the kind of response you hope to receive. For example, "I am feeling especially vulnerable about this, and ask that you be gentle in your responses." Some sort of statement along those lines. It won't guarantee anything, but it will tend to encourage people to be extra conscientious about what they say. Most people do want to help, and will take such a request by you seriously.

Also keep in mind that if someone is harrassing you, being rude or judgmental toward you, you can always appeal to the mods for help. At the top right of any post is a red triangle. You can click on that triangle to report the post.

These are just some of my thoughts, I hope you'll find something helpful here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My posts are primarily "food for thought" and not judgements or accusations. I'm not prone to feel-good posts as I feel they have no substance.
 
Thank you, all of you, so much good food for thought here. And FWIW, none of this felt at all “not what I wanted to hear”- that crooked mirror idea is really interesting. I think what I most want *is* an accurate mirror- and oftentimes-and why I keep coming back- when I can’t see the situation clearly, people here do magic, it feels, and see what I can’t and point it out, so I gave a clear reflection to fix stufF.

Taking better stock of what I’m putting out might help. I know often I write, and don’t post, because the act of writing for public eye fixes the distorted mirror, and I don’t need help. The blog is a good idea because of that.
 
As to anonymity— a meta basically let on they had at one point read this, with body language suggesting knowledge I posted. My name has changed since.
 
That’s such a good question about why does this affect me deeply. I think the answer is - I know my mirror is limited. Only shows my front side! I’ve found that others can see what I can’t— and I assume that their mirror is more accurate. But maybe they only see the backside!

It helps me to bring things to people and go through the process of “is this it? No, this is”. Why GalaGir’s posts are so valuable.

But I think when I hear people say “this is it!!” With great authority— and it’s wrong— there’s somshung deep going on. Maybe a childhood process - judgmental parent or something.

It doesn’t usually bother me when it’s right.

Like, that whole “blunt” thing about people pleasing- I recognize that in myself, and I’m okay with it being untangled. So it didn’t feel blunt- but affirming.

I think I strongky crave the intimacy of being accurately seen and having people help me accurately see— which means I’m - not yet- accurately seeing myself — and those around me.

I think I might try, next time I feel confused, developing those skills.

I might also try asking for mirroring of the situation and possible choices going forwards if that’s what I’m seeking.
 
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1234567,

You are under no obligation to respond in any way to anyone who posts on your threads. You are under no obligation to even read all of the posts on your threads. There is no emotional labor expected of you. No one here who replies to you expects or demands a response. It's lovely to get one, if you are so inclined, and clarification is often helpful. But it is never expected or demanded. You do not have to further explain anything. Now, it might be helpful. But never expected. Also, if someone asks you a question, you are under no obligation to reply. It's helpful and furthers the conversation, but is never required.

Block people who annoy you. It's easy, they don't know you've done it. I do it all the time. I've blocked people I've found frustrating, obnoxious, or dismissive. I've blocked people who seemed perfectly nice but their situation was stressful for me to read about. Block at will! It makes the forum much more manageable.

Take in the information and suggestions you find helpful. Mentally and emotionally dump all the rest. You don't have to believe or find helpful everything suggested to you. It's the internet. Use what you find useful and treat the rest as just not important. If we say something helpful, incorporate it but otherwise treat our words as spam, as junk mail. Throw it away and move on. Now that may sound dismissive. It is. That's the point. Don't blow your emotional energy here or elsewhere on the internet. That's what IRL is for.

The purpose of the forum (and speaking only for myself, not as admin or a mod) is not really to provide advice, although that happens. I think of it as a space for those exploring ethical non-monogamy, polyamory and related areas to interact, to find similarly minded people, to share their stores, to talk with others in similar situations. It's a community, not therapy or even an advice forum (although that is often a welcome side benefit).

I hope you stick around but, of course, you need to decide where you expend your time and energy.

Great advice here- thanks!
 
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