"Polyamorists are afraid of commitment" -- Is it really false?

So I have a question...

In articles about what polyamory is and is not, I often come across the "myth" that polyamorists are afraid of commitment. The argument used to counter this myth is usually something to the effect of, "Someone who is afraid of commitment can't commit to one person, let alone two!"

This argument doesn't make a ton of sense to me.

First of all, humans have limited time, energy, resources. Commitment is the focused dedication of time, energy, and resources to someone or something. Someone who is afraid of commitment is afraid to put all their time, energy, and resources into one person. Being willing to divide your time, energy, and resources between two people seems like a perfectly logical thing for a person who is afraid of commitment to do -- they get to divide their emotional/physical resources between people so and avoid being tied to just one person. So the argument that someone who is afraid of commitment "couldn't" commit to two (or more) people, doesn't make sense to me.

Second, people are also afraid of commitment because they worry that they will always second-guess the decision -- what if later on they meet their soul mate, but they are already married? Polyamory is a great solution for these people too -- you don't have to "choose" between relationships (at least not unless there are factors about your relationships that make them incompatible with each other). If, 5 years down the road, you meet your soul mate (or someone you think is your soul mate), you can explore a relationship with that person without abandoning your other partner(s).

Third, people are afraid of commitment because they fear co-dependency. They don't want to get to a point in their lives where they can't function without their "better half." Well, polyamorists certainly can have co-dependency issues as well, but the nature of polyamory somewhat forces individuals to explore life outside of each other.

So I guess I am confused -- isn't polyamory a great lifestyle option for people who are afraid of commitment? Why claim that someone who is polyamorous couldn't possibly be afraid of commitment?
 
No doubt some polys are afraid of commitment; others are not. The two problems I see are, first, making a blanket statement that applies to everyone within a given class (e.g. poly). Second, the wording, "afraid" of commitment, whereas for some people, they may not be afraid per se, but they may recognize some of the downsides of some kinds of commitment. There is also the assumption that commitment is always a good thing, the lack of commitment is always a bad thing. Not necessarily so. For the record, I say this as one of three people in a poly-fi relationship, closed, and we are committed to stay with each other til death do us all part. So, I'm not necessarily anti-commitment myself.
 
No doubt some polys are afraid of commitment; others are not. The two problems I see are, first, making a blanket statement that applies to everyone within a given class (e.g. poly). Second, the wording, "afraid" of commitment, whereas for some people, they may not be afraid per se, but they may recognize some of the downsides of some kinds of commitment. There is also the assumption that commitment is always a good thing, the lack of commitment is always a bad thing. Not necessarily so. For the record, I say this as one of three people in a poly-fi relationship, closed, and we are committed to stay with each other til death do us all part. So, I'm not necessarily anti-commitment myself.

That's a really good point, Kevin. Even the phrase "afraid of commitment" carries a lot of implications/judgement with it. Perhaps a better counterargument to the statement that poly people are "afraid of commitment" would be to focus on differing values when it comes to types of commitment, rather than brushing it off as, "Nonsense! If I were afraid of commitment I wouldn't be able to commit to [number] people!"
 
Yeah, as far as time/energy commitment/allotment is concerned, I see two ways of looking at it. One, let's say I spend (x) amount of time/energy on one partner. Then I get a second partner, and I start to divide up my time, half of (x) goes to my first partner, the other half goes to my second partner. My total amount of commitment is the same, it still adds up to (x). But two, let's say I give (x) to my first partner, and (x) more to my second partner. Now my total expenditure is (2x), and I am "twice as committed" due to each partner receiving a "full amount." This of course only works if I have (2x) available, if I only have (x) total available, then I can't increase my total commitment to both partners. But as long as some (2x) scenarios may exist, there are some polys who commit more to their total relationships than they would if they were monogamous. Hopefully that makes sense.
 
If people view commitment the way you do then I suppose it is possible that some poly people skirt commitment by being poly. I see that as monogamous thinking.

When I first started talking to Mary about poly she said she believed in having a committed relationship. I told I believed in having committed relationshipS, with emphasis on the "s". She didn't get it and still doesn't really get it. The mono mindset says you find one person and forsake all others. My poly mindset says I can commit to relationships with more than one person.

While it's true we don't have infinite energy to put into several relationships, do we really have unlimited energy to put into just one relationship? There are all kinds of commitments beside romantic/sexual relationships. Work, family, etc are all things we have to put energy into.
 
It's an example of Monogamist propaganda. Some quick examples of fail:

First, it sets up polyamory as fearful & weak, & monogamy as the strong (masculine) alternative, an untenable basis.

Second, someone who hooks up every night with yet another soon-forgotten stranger represents "strong" monogamy rather than "weak" polyamory. Therefore, that's an example of the Monogamist definition of commitment: the cause means all, the practice means nothing.

Third, if I have a FWB who lives out of town, we are together for mere days every year, & we continue this for ten years, how is that not commitment?

And if someone has four "permanent" engagements/marriages in the same span, how is that "committed"?

Finally, always doubt the mind-control words. Consider that I have never found much enjoyment in sauerkraut (yet I like red "German slaw" :rolleyes:). I therefore don't order Reuben sandwiches. That doesn't mean that I am AFRAID of either the sandwich or the kraut. :p Anyone who tries to whip you with that trick deserves to be head-slapped (maybe literally) for being a useless moron.
 
Possibly "commitment" is supposed to be code for, "committed to one person." "Afraid of commitment" might mean, "A polyamorist is someone who is too fearful of forsaking all others." Like maybe someone else might be my perfect match, if I stop playing the field, I might never meet that someone, I might be stuck with "second-best." Although in poly, there isn't necessarily supposed to be such a thing as a "perfect match."
 
This reminds me of a conversation I had on another site. The premise was that all non-monogamous relationships fail.

My response is how long does it have to work before it's considered a success?

The answer was you have to stay together until death.

FWIW, a 20 year marriage and wanting my gf to move in seems fairly unafraid of commitment, so I can be the exception.
 
The problem as I see it is the usage of the word "afraid". Poly people aren't any more "afraid" of commitment than mono people are. They just simply don't commit to ONE.

I agree with what was said earlier... "poly people are afraid of commitment" is mono-propaganda.
 
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