Married, new to poly, and jumping in with both feet! Need help navigating!

Hi all!

I am new to polyamory. I am married and we've discussed it for years, but all of a sudden we got serious about it and before I knew it I was chatting with someone from an online dating website. We met in person and both felt a spark.

I am really enjoying myself, but I am also, I don't know -- nervous? I have no concept of how this is "supposed" to go or how to do it "right." Things feel like they are moving really fast (emotionally -- chatting online for hours and making plans for things to do next month....) and I am cool with just letting that happen, but I am worried that maybe this is too fast? It feels awesome and fun, but I worry that I will get hurt, they will get hurt, or my husband will get hurt.

Also, they keep bringing up that i should share my "needs" when I am comfortable. I feel like I am comfortable sharing just about anything with this person, but I don't know what they mean by "needs." Is this code for setting boundaries around the relationship? Or is it code for talking about what we both like in bed? I just have no idea how to answer this question and I feel like I am missing out on some of the procedures because I am dating someone familiar with polyamory and I am a total newbie!
 
Welcome

... welcome to this funky place... With great people.. Willing to help.. And most importantly.. Very experienced people! I'm not one of those very experienced one's.. Lol!
Whatever is shared.. Please understand it's value..
Communicate, understand, and enjoy!
 
Hi all!

I am new to polyamory. I am married and we've discussed it for years, but all of a sudden we got serious about it and before I knew it I was chatting with someone from an online dating website. We met in person and both felt a spark.

I am really enjoying myself, but I am also, I don't know -- nervous? I have no concept of how this is "supposed" to go or how to do it "right." Things feel like they are moving really fast (emotionally -- chatting online for hours and making plans for things to do next month....) and I am cool with just letting that happen, but I am worried that maybe this is too fast? It feels awesome and fun, but I worry that I will get hurt, they will get hurt, or my husband will get hurt.

Also, they keep bringing up that i should share my "needs" when I am comfortable. I feel like I am comfortable sharing just about anything with this person, but I don't know what they mean by "needs." Is this code for setting boundaries around the relationship? Or is it code for talking about what we both like in bed? I just have no idea how to answer this question and I feel like I am missing out on some of the procedures because I am dating someone familiar with polyamory and I am a total newbie!

You might want to worry more about your husband getting hurt by your rush out of the gate than your new crush. Not sure if you have really read anything but one recommendation is that you proceed at the pace of the slowest partner.
Have you discussed this online guy with husband and how you are racing headlong into a relationship???? If so, fine, but from your post it sounds like you discussed this with husband and then boom you're off to the races.

Unfortunately, I think too many folks when making this jump even if they read the books, and I did, skim over the part that says this little journey has as much potential to end your relationship as it does to enhance it if BOTH parties are not in sync with what is going on.

You might want to make sure you are communicating with hubby and getting his thoughts
 
You might want to worry more about your husband getting hurt by your rush out of the gate than your new crush. Not sure if you have really read anything but one recommendation is that you proceed at the pace of the slowest partner.
Have you discussed this online guy with husband and how you are racing headlong into a relationship???? If so, fine, but from your post it sounds like you discussed this with husband and then boom you're off to the races.

Unfortunately, I think too many folks when making this jump even if they read the books, and I did, skim over the part that says this little journey has as much potential to end your relationship as it does to enhance it if BOTH parties are not in sync with what is going on.

You might want to make sure you are communicating with hubby and getting his thoughts

Sorry for the confusion. My husband and I talk everyday and check in about how things are going. I've brought up all these concerns with him already. He is very encouraging, wants to all meet and hang out whenever they are ready, and generally tells me that I shouldn't overthink the emotions I am feeling.
 
You might want to worry more about your husband getting hurt by your rush out of the gate than your new crush. Not sure if you have really read anything but one recommendation is that you proceed at the pace of the slowest partner.

Can you tell me more about what you mean by proceeding at the pace of the slowest partner? Like an example? My husband isn't interested in dating right now -- are you saying I should wait until he himself is interested in dating?
 
Can you tell me more about what you mean by proceeding at the pace of the slowest partner? Like an example? My husband isn't interested in dating right now -- are you saying I should wait until he himself is interested in dating?

Ok. So I assume by him not being interested in dating means that while that is the case , which is fine, that you and he have decided if there are ANY boundaries or agreements you have reached and that while he has decided to stay mono for now that he is OK with what looks like may be intense NRE on your part. And I also assume the foray into poly is not something at this point
That you initiated and he has reluctantly come along.

If you have not done it already you might want to read a couple of
Books. One is "More Than Two" and "Opening Up". You are go to see this poly thing is and can be complicated . The advice you get here will be reflective of others opinions based on their model for non monogamy. Some will say you should reject all "rules" , others will understand how depending on your husbands feelings if you blow through his comfort zone your world may not be so much fun.
 
Greetings MsEmotional,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have the fresh perspective of someone new to poly and I find that refreshing. It's true that there's a lot to be learned about polyamory; I would suggest do a lot of exploring and reading on Polyamory.com, see what calls to you. Right now I think you are doing fine, but it is just smart to learn as much about polyamory as you can. You will find a wide range of perspectives here, absorb them as you read, and find out what works for you. Everyone is unique and different.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi there. Welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new myself, as are all the other posters who have replied. I feel I can help answer some of your questions, though many of the more experienced polyamorists here tend to read the poly 8relationships corner of the forum more often than the introductions place and you might find more help there for specific issues.

You seem to be confused about the terminology. Not surprising. A lot of society talks in code. You were asking about needs. That's not code. It really just means what you want from a relationship. This involves the 3 of you talking about your short term and long term goals, along with what you would like from this relationship. It also involves compromising or allowing others to have a say in the relationship. An extension of this would be advice to allow the relationship to grow in the direction it wants to grow. Hubby finding it hard to imagine you could ever divorce or leave him to have kids with the other person? Put some boundaries down about safe sex and contraception with the ability to renegotiate in a year. Expect that things may (or may not) change and put time limits on boundaries to reflect the fact that you may all feel differently in a few months or years time.

As a person in a long term relationship opening up to polyamory for the first time, it's important for you to be able to empathise with what your husband is going through, which is likely to be a challenging transition away from monogamy. The suggestion to open up to polyamory at the rate of the slowest person is good for those who started having feelings for someone first and now wants to change their rules of monogamy with their monogamous partner in order to involve the person whom they were developing feelings for. It is a warning to slow down, and is probably useful in any transition from monogamy to polyamory, but perhaps less applicable to you given your partner and you seem to have spent a fair bit of time talking about this before starting poly.

Finally, there are some resources that many of us have found useful. Personally, I feel a need to distinguish polyamory from the other forms of consensual non monogamy. The book opening up by Tristan taormino is often recommended because it discusses these other forms of non monogamy and you might find one that suits you better than poly. I was cheap and went for this shorter online resource from a different author instead. There is a bunch of links in this post to resources I found useful when first considering polyamory.

Good luck. Go slow. Consider both your partners and ask us for help if the needs of one conflict with the needs of the other so that it leaves you feeling unable to act ethically towards both of them simultaneously.
 
Thanks Shaya!

Yeah I wrote a second post explaining that my husband and I are communicating wonderfully. But it appears to not have gone through.

We've talked about all the things that I mentioned in my post and he is very supportive and encouraging. whenever I get a little frazzled he asks if I am having fun and let's me know that I don't have to do this if it's not fun, but that he enjoys seeing me crushing out over someone new.

I have never sat down and talked about relationship needs at the beginning of a relationship before, which is why I don't know how to answer the question of "what are your needs?" That's why I am kind of wondering if it's a poly thing...

Does anyone have any advice for how to answer this question? Is it just a laundry list of things you like to have in a relationship?
 
Read read read.....and read this forum some more. Asking questions is awesome, but you might find answers while reading blogs and as Kevin posted, the golden nuggets.

Welcome!
 
Hi MsEmotional - welcome to the forum! I showed up here about six months ago when my mono marriage turned poly at my wife's request - and have found most folks here to be friendly and helpful - with lots of sound advice and solid info.

My concern would be that you could easily get caught up in "New Relationship Energy" ( or NRE - lots of discussion on this topic here and elsewhere - very important topic to understand) - at the expense of your existing primary relationship, but it does seem that you and your husband have had that conversation and he enjoys seeing your experience of NRE (an example of "compersion" - where one finds happiness in the happiness that their partner finds with their other partners - some view it as the opposite of jealousy). Nevertheless - beware of NRE - don't make any hasty decisions while in the throes of it. :)

Best of luck on your poly journey!

Al
 
Also, they keep bringing up that i should share my "needs" when I am comfortable. I feel like I am comfortable sharing just about anything with this person, but I don't know what they mean by "needs." Is this code for setting boundaries around the relationship? Or is it code for talking about what we both like in bed? I just have no idea how to answer this question and I feel like I am missing out on some of the procedures because I am dating someone familiar with polyamory and I am a total newbie!
If you don't know what they mean, ask them what they mean.

I don't think it's a code for anything. It's a question about what you need for you to be happy in a relationship. There's a bit of a fuzzy boundary between needs and want's, so if the word need is confusing to you, you could speak about what you want, and then (if necessary) figure out what you can compromise on and what you can't.

But of course they could have something specific in mind when asking - so, talk.
 
On the question of needs and having entered a relationship without having really discussed any...

I feel that dating in monogamy and polyamory is different. In monogamy, you just jump in with the other person, date a little and see if there's any chemistry. If you make mistakes and aren't too invested or if things don't seem to work out, you can quit. Heartbreak is largely limited to the two of you. In polyamory, things are trickier with more moving pieces. The consequences of a breakup can reach further.

A discussion of needs helps people realise what each other are thinking. Sometimes the same word can mean two different things to different people (like respect, committment, love). This makes discussion of clearly spelt out terms and needs all the more important in order to avoid misunderstanding.

In summary, dating in poly is different to that in monogamy. It's harder and the consequences of a breakup tend to go further. Spelling out each person's needs helps to avoid this and helps to keep things running more smoothly. Just my thought anyway, based on very little actual experience.
 
I feel that dating in monogamy and polyamory is different.
...
Sometimes the same word can mean two different things to different people (like respect, committment, love).
This is crucial, and what I'd like to add is, that while in monogamy you operate with a pretty much clear set of expectations, when entering any non-standard (e.g. polyamorous) relationship, nothing is pre-set.
How much time can you spend with each other? Will other people have a say in your relationship? Will you be able to call whenever? Are you all equal? Is fluid-bonding possible? Is sex on the table at all? What if the other person just wants romance without sex? Will you be out to families, or secret? What support can you expect, and are ready to give? Are you open to new partners?
The list goes on and on. You really become a designer of your own relationships - and while both of you may fall under the broad label of "polyamory", your relationship preferences may not align at all.
 
Also, they keep bringing up that i should share my "needs" when I am comfortable. I feel like I am comfortable sharing just about anything with this person, but I don't know what they mean by "needs." Is this code for setting boundaries around the relationship? Or is it code for talking about what we both like in bed? I just have no idea how to answer this question and I feel like I am missing out on some of the procedures because I am dating someone familiar with polyamory and I am a total newbie!

Keep it simpler on yourself.

Ask them what they mean. Or to ask you questions if they want to know something in particular. If you want to set some boundaries... go ahead.
Or if you know what you want out of this relationship? Tell them what you are looking for.

It's part of dating -- to get to know each other. If you are initially compatible, and then over time as you get to know each other better, if you are deeply compatible.

When I first started dating BF (now DH) I told him I wasn't looking for anything exclusive, I wanted to spend time with him getting to know him, but I also wanted to date other people. He could see other people too. I didn't want to know deep details. I just wanted a heads up if something was looking to "go lover" so I could choose to either bow out at that point or choose to be concurrent lovers or not. I wanted safer sex practices like labs and condoms. I preferred truth over lies. Lies to me were a "1 strike I am out" thing. I could return the favor. I thought that was fair. So did he.

That was "good enough" to us for a starting a relationship. Date who you want, be honest and forthright about it, use safer sex practices and a heads up before anything new "goes lover."

Later on over the years as wants and needs changed, we renegotiated agreements.

To me it sounds like your dating partners wants to know what you are up for and not up for. Ask if that is what they mean. And if so, tell them.

Galagirl
 
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Firstly, MsEmotional, I must tell you to NOT worry about "doing it right." That fear is something I have seen FAR too much in people newly venturing outside the monogamy fence. It's not uncommon that they get into a sort of analysis paralysis, which locks horns with their fascination (often overblown) of the wonders of nonmonogamy, until the tension becomes so great that they make irrational snap binary ("one OR the other") decisions, like fleeing back to the imaginary safety of monogamy (sometimes blowing their mariage up in the process) or leaping into ill-advised intimacy, even commitment, with questionable strangers.

Calm down. Deep breaths. Seriously!

And if any of your "new friends" won't readily let you have as many of those destressing moments as you need, dump they sorry asses from your life. :D It's NOT a good symptom.

I have no concept of how this is "supposed" to go or how to do it "right."
There's simply no way that ANY of us will do everything right. Mistakes WILL be made -- sh!t happens. :eek:

What matters is that you be aware that mistakes are likely, avoid the big obvious ones, & deal calmly & maturely with honestly made errors.

By all means, tap the brakes -- get a very clear understanding of what your new acquaintance means by "needs." If they can't define a word, they oughtn't expect you'll do better.

I'm getting the impression that someone who prods me to "share my needs" is either new to polyamory themselves & parroting a PC phrase they've latched onto, or has been poly so long they've forgotten that it's a steep learning curve.

The fact is that meeting a potential "partner" right out of the gate means either that you're so ridiculously lucky that you ought to be playing the National Lottery instead, OR that such candidates are lying so thick on the ground that you have to wade through all the equally-likely candidates just to get the mail. The truth probably lies somewhere between the extremes.

IMO, it's waaaaaay to early to chalk it up to NRE. Being dazzled with the potentialities of nonmonogamy is one thing; pasting this sense of wonderment onto the first person you meet is probably a mistake.

(Disclaimer: lately I've been navigating a relationship with a family member who's gone passive-aggressive, so I am maybe a little twitchy about potential symptoms.)

Monogamy doesn't give any training for even being aware that you HAVE "needs," much less the ability to lay them out rationally & assess them calmly, even less to put them into some form where they CAN be shared with someone.

It takes time. It takes practice. It requires the development of a degree of self-awareness not required to be monogamous.

You'll need to venture forward, learn as you go, & profit from missteps. Your "needs" will change & shift as you figure out what the heck they ARE.

And when someone pokes at you to be fully up-to-speed, I'm concerned that this might be a way of dumping all the responsibility onto YOU, of reserving the right to say "well, see, you should have TOLD me!"

Don't make any silly brave leaps outward, but please do not FEAR stepping bravely forward.

And if anyone tries to crowd you forward, either tell 'em to back off, or drop them entirely from your life. It sounds cruel, but you'll be MUCH happier in the long run.
 
Thanks for all the responses. This is such a confusing time for me.
 
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