hello from overseas

silly2017

New member
Hello

my husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. My husband is an adultbaby and it was never my thing. he feels neglected since in the evenings I pushed him away due to watching tv and I changed that. so now he found a lady who is taking care of him and is playing with him. so he fell in love with her and they had sex behind my back. I found out and I am extremely hurt and have trust issues. so now he wants to be with the both of us and I really don't like it. But I also don't want to loose my husband. We have children together. He even brings her in our house and I am trying to come along with her. So he asks me to have sex with her again and I don't really know what to say about this or what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi silly2017 - welcome to the forum! I will leave the advice to the more experienced - but best of luck on your poly journey!

Al
 
Hi,

You're not silly. Going from an affair to polyamory is hard. How do you feel about the situation? How do you feel about the other woman. Was polyamory your idea or his?

I understand if you're hesitant to give too many details on a public forum. A good alternative or adjunct to this forum would be a couples counsellor, and in fact, I think couples counselling is likely to be more useful to you than all the advice on this forum. In addition to helping you and your husband strengthen your relationship, I feel a trained counsellor can provide an environment to allow you a stronger voice for your needs.

I can write more later, but don't want to give erroneous advice or make assumptions about your situation without more information.

Stay well,
Shaya.
 
Greetings silly2017,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you're being pushed in a direction you don't want to go. I take it you don't want your husband to have sex again with the other woman, but you feel like you don't have a choice, like you will lose your marriage if you don't agree with him.

I guess my advice would be to figure out your limits: what's the farthest you'll let yourself be pushed? because if it goes beyond that point, even your marriage may go on the chopping block. Not saying we're at that point yet, but it's something you'd want to prepare for ahead of time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi There,

Thank you for the additional information in private conversations. I've always thought that going from monogamy to affair then to polyamory is more difficult than just going from monogamy to polyamory. Polyamory is hard. Affair recovery is hard. Broken trust is hard to rebuild and to do that all at once? Really tough. In this respect, I feel that I was in your shoes just a few short months ago. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be awful.

I wrote a post here in reply to a thread for a man who had an affair and then tried to turn the affair into polyamory with a reluctant wife. I gave him 12 links to other examples of affair to polyamory, each with varying degrees of success or failure. You may (or may not) find the links helpful. Since posting that, others have given me a few more examples. I'm not sure if any of these examples actually help. To my mind, you're dealing with affair recovery and afffair recovery resources are more likely to help. If your husband does not see what he is putting you through as the perpetuation of an affair and you do, I would recommend bringing the issue up whilst on neutral ground in a counselling session.

Polyamory is the practice of non monogamy with the consent of all parties involved. I am uncertain if he is doing so with your real consent and if he isn't, then this is not polyamory. Hence my suggestion for the counsellor. I feel you have a timid voice and the counsellor will allow you a safe place to voice your concerns.

Finally, how good was your relationship to begin with before all this started? I created this relationship vulnerabilities thread recently for people who come to this forum from a previous monogamous relationship, wanting to turn their monogamy into polyamory. Some couples try polyamory to fix a broken monogamy. Some seem to be doing it on top of a healthy monogamy. Most... Most we can't tell since we rarely ask detailed questions about their monogamy. It occurs to me that the ability of your monogamy to weather a transition to polyamory depends very much on how solid your monogamy was to begin with. Well, here's one way (and there are likely many ways) to measure how strong your monogamy was before all this started. If you choose to do this quiz, I'd encourage you and your partner to do it separately and answer the questions as if you had read this quiz a few months ago before all this started. The quiz is, afterall, based on monogamy. If you feel like sharing, I would be interested in your results since I've only just posted the quiz and would like feedback so that I can revise it or choose not to recommend it to others if you feel it isn't useful.

I don't know why you chose to call yourself silly2017 but I wish you'd pick a different name. It's hardly proper for us to address you as Silly on these forums. You can ask a moderator to change your name if you wish. Please have a look at either some affair recovery resources or polyamory.com examples of how others have gone from affair to polyamory. I think you will find that you are not alone and are actually managing better than most in your situation. Also, don't forget the option of counselling. I feel that a trained counsellor will be more useful to you and your husband than all the advice on this forum put together, as it allows you an environment to voice your concerns without leading to heated confrontation.

Hang in there, and I hope things get better for you.

Kind wishes,
Shaya.
 
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Hello,

This is a very difficult situation and the details provided are thin. My advice would be much in line with Shaya. Seek counseling if you wish to continue a relationship with your husband.

Polyamory can be wonderful when everybody is consenting, and has agency in it. That being said from your post it seems that the situation may be coercive. Polyamory can occasionally work after an episode of cheating but it is rare. Look to yourself. What do YOU want? What are YOUR boundaries? Can YOU trust your current partner?

Some serious soul searching may clarify the path in front of you. You may find that polyamory is right for you. Whether that is with your current partner or with others is entirely your choice.

If you do choose to purse polyamory with your husband I would recommend not allowing restrictions to be placed on your or your husbands choice of partners. Polyamory only works well when everyone is free to make their own choices free of coercion. I would highly recommend the book More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert also Franklin's website http://www.morethantwo.com/ has many articles on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. One of his most important IMHO is the relationship bill of rights.


The Relationship Bill of Rights
You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:
In all intimate relationships:
to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want
to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
to be told the truth
to say no to requests
to hold and express differing points of view
to feel all your emotions
to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs
to set clear limits on the obligations you will make
to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you
to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise
to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
to grow and change
to make mistakes
to end a relationship
In poly relationships:
to decide how many partners you want
to choose your own partners
to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take
to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner
to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it
to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you
to have time alone with each of your partners
to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners
In a poly network:
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners
to be treated with courtesy
to seek compromise
to have relationships with people, not with relationships
to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons
to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate
 
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