7 year marriage falling apart one year into poly

Its his responsibility to recognise what he needs and ask each of us what he needs to be happy with each of us.
Yeah, it's a skill to learn, and a difficult one for some of us :( I don't mean to scare you, but it took me years to even start looking after my happiness and find some ways to do it, and the work is not completed of course. I am not sure what the best way is to help with this... but I'm sure you can't "make" him to. Perhaps living healthily yourself is best - you set an example (?).
 
Focusing on the other guy's shortcomings and picking relationship problems apart is what we're all taught to do in order to "get somewhere," but those approaches yield paltry results compared to cultivating our own inner peace. It's amazing how much sturm und drang just falls away the more we turn from needing to solve problems and instead turn inward and focus on quieting our own mind. Relationships become so much more rewarding, intimate and durable because all of our outer relationships reflect our inner world. When you are struggling with an internal issue, your relationships will show it to you over and over again. That's really helpful information that many of us are dismissing as the other guy's "fault." When you are at peace with yourself, your relationships are at peace as well

Sure I am not at piece with myself. When it comes to self-care and care of my relationship, I am not really sure where to pin point the balance between taking initiative to cultivate the connection and being too pushy and too obsessive about optimizing it. I feel like if I step back and just quieten my mind and find inner peace then there would be nothing left of our connection because nothing would happen to cultivate it.<<< is that an insecurity of mine? or a realisation that my husband is not really 'present' and engaging with me? How much effort and initiative is required to sustain a connection Vs how much acceptance?
 
I feel like if I step back and just quieten my mind and find inner peace then there would be nothing left of our connection because nothing would happen to cultivate it.

If that happens? Then you realize/accept that you have been carrying all the load and sustaining the entire relationship. It is a one-sided relationship, not a two-way street. He doesn't carry his end of the stick.

Then you decide if this is something you want to continue participating in or not.

How much effort and initiative is required to sustain a connection Vs how much acceptance?

That is something only you can answer. Every person is different in what they want in their partner. You figure out your personal standard. Then see if he meets it or not.

Galagirl
 
I feel like if I step back and just quieten my mind and find inner peace then there would be nothing left of our connection because nothing would happen to cultivate it..... How much effort and initiative is required to sustain a connection Vs how much acceptance?

GalaGirl posted great responses and to them I'll add that your reservations are often what hinder people from taking their focus off of the partner. What if I step back and the relationship fizzles? How can a relationship survive if I stop putting effort into it?

We are all taught that "good relationships take a lot of work," but actually putting effort into fixing others or fixing problems is not what creates a truly loving and fulfilling connection. What creates a loving and sustainable connection is the "work" of finding aspects to appreciate. The reason it's helpful to lessen focus right now on "cultivating a connection" is because usually what you're directing your attention to are all of the perceived shortcomings and problems. Whatever you put your attention to is what grows, so if you're taking initiative in order to fix what you determine to be wrong, you'll get more of the same. If you're taking initiative out of joyful appreciation of your partner, you'll get more of what you're enjoying and appreciating.

I know that it sounds counterintuitive that the way to make a relationship better is to take your efforts away from trying to make a relationship better, but try it and see for yourself. If you take your gaze off of fixing problems and other people and instead direct it toward appreciating teeny tiny aspects of your situation, you'll see remarkable changes for the better. Often it's challenging to do this with others, so directing your appreciation inward works just as well. Be mindful that you're not getting caught up in resentment, fear and guilt along the way. It's OK (and perfectly human) if you are, just be aware that acceptance and appreciation are what you're going for. Everyone blossoms in the sunlight of acceptance and appreciation. Your partner will, too.

Simplistic explanation and I know, easier said than done, but it's a practice. It's a skill, really, to re-learn how to focus on acceptance and love, but we all can get much better at it. There is no diploma in "blissful living" and nobody is going get to any mountain top and stay there. It's a daily practice, like playing the violin. You can start by not knowing one thing about it and with a little guidance and a lot of practice, you and your life get better and better and better.
 
Hey Fallen Angel. Sorry i never thanked you for your advice until now. But did read it a few times and tried my best to apply it as it made a lot of sense. So thanks, very wise words

Made a conscious effort to just leave the relationship alone and don't focus too much on fixing its shortcomings and things flowed a lot smoother after that.
We had less fights and more nice moments together, But it is more like 2 old friends than lovers.

i am slightly more at piece with myself. But now i am the one who is coasting. waiting for a better opportunity to come along
 
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