Questions/Concerns for a first-timer

pfeifdiggy

New member
Hello all! Happy and thankful I found a good resource and lots of people willingly provide some advice for someone inexperienced in open relationships of any type really. First; background!

I'm a male dating and have been dating girl for 2-1/2 years now. I have been in one committed relationship other than his; my SO dated much more and her last significant relationship was an open one.

We started as a couple that didn't discuss opening up our coupling until about eight months into dating; six months into the relationship she had fallen in love with and slept with a cast mate of a play she was in at the time and she told me three weeks after the fact. a similar situation happened his past September where she and a coworker who had gotten close were intimate while I was on a northwest tour with a band (I am a musician by trade.)

In all of this we are growing closer and communicating in a more intimate way. She also seems generally happier since we've started to explore an open relationship. For me, I've been able to be more honest with her and myself about my feelings and trying to express them more healthily.

And now for the fun part; questions!

-While I am happy for my partner that she can be more of herself, both times she was intimate with others was without my prior knowledge and with no consent from me which can still cause me to be hurt, jealous or angry despite my best efforts. Do any of you have similar feelings at times in your own lives, and what do you to help combat them?

-I never met and/or connected with the first man my partner fell for, I have met and been around the second person she had fallen for and do not like him as a person, even less so after he and her progressed without speaking with me. if you find yourself disliking someone your partner is seeing or wants to see, what are some steps that you've taken in the past?

Thank you for any insight or advice y'all can provide! I knowmay come across selfish or insensitive in my concerns, but I want what is best for both her and I and want to try whatever I can to mKe the beautiful gift I have with my partner te best it can. Thanks again.
 
Hi pfeifdiggy

So, it sounds like you want to have the opportunity to give consent on a case to case basis. That's ok, Adam (my husband) and you aren't dissimilar about that. Some people don't see it the same way though, and that's ok too. You just need to be aligned in what your expectations are. I don't have any "case by case" expectations myself, so there can be different needs within the primary relationship too.

As a person who has spent considerable time in professional theatre, I can almost promise you that there will be connection after connection after connection happening in that environment, and they can be quite spontaneous at that ;) So work out what you need with regards to forewarning and then communicate that. Also remember that today's needs might differ from next week's, next month's, next year's. Any boundaries that you set don't need to be "forever boundaries" - I suggest it's probably better for your own growth if they aren't.

As for not liking a metamour, well, Adam doesn't like Cheese (none of my friends do, lol) but respects that I do and that I see/experience quite a different person to the public persona, and Adam simply doesn't attempt to have any interaction with Cheese. Solved (for us).

Bottom line. Keep communicating. Learn about communication. Practise it. Because it is a skill that can be improved upon.

All the best
Evie
 
I took it to mean she slept with the cast member 6 months in and told you 2 months later. If that is the case then I understand why you were hurt and angry. But had you talked about being exclusive by then, or did you just assume you were?

I don't need to know my metas so if I didn't like someone I would just avoid them like I do anyone I don't like.

I also don't need to know anything before the fact and I expect the same from my partners. I have the view that once it's open, it's open and we are all going to meet other people (or not) depending on our needs.
 
We started as a couple that didn't discuss opening up our coupling until about eight months into dating; six months into the relationship she had fallen in love with and slept with a cast mate . . .

. . . she was intimate with others was without my prior knowledge and with no consent from me which can still cause me to be hurt, jealous or angry despite my best efforts.

You didn't discuss having an open relationship right away, but did you ever discuss being exclusive? I wouldn't have assumed exclusivity in the early stages of a relationship (and six months is still pretty early) unless there was some agreement on that.
 
The first incident sounds to me like plain old cheating. You have every right to feel hurt and angry about this. That isn't poly.

The second is less clear, if you'd already agreed to opening. However, isn't poly supposed to be about everyone knowing what's going on? She had never mentioned anything about this co-worker prior to your leaving on tour? You left your cell phone and laptop both at home such that she was completely unable to contact you and mention she was having any thoughts or feelings before hand?

Sounds to me like you're going to continue being surprised and broad-sided.
 
Thanks for the responses everyone!

To clear things up: the first incident happened about six months in, with about three weeks from when they slept together to when I found out. Sorry fr the confusion on that!

As for the 2nd instance, we had been talking about a polyamourous relationship, but there was no discussion regarding bringing in her co-worker despite knowing they were attracted to each other; I had inklings that they were getting closer and could venture into harmful territory for her and I.

Some more background that might help: she identifies as poly, has been in a poly relationship before; I am mostly mono, have never been in an open relationship before.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am having a hard time reading the post all out of order. I also have some questions.

I am going to take the liberty of putting it in chronological order. You tell me if I get it wrong ok? I use quote just to visually block it off. Blue is mine.

CURRENT PLAYERS

  • YOU: mono, have never been in an open relationship before.
  • GF: she identifies as poly, has been in a poly relationship before
  • BF: Who entered the picture (maybe from a cheating affair?) in Sept 2015

I assume by "mono" you mean (monoamorous and poly friendly). You only want to share love with GF. But are ok being in a V structure. You do not mean you really want monogamous structure but are putting up with this just to get to be with her. Right?

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP SHAPE

The current model we all practice is...
  • An Open relationship "V" with her as the shared sweetie hinge. Any player can date more people.
  • A Closed "V" with her as the shared sweetie hinge. None of us is looking to date more people right now.
  • A cheating affair that is now in the Open instead of behind your back.

TIMELINE

  • You and GF started dating somewhere around June 2013. (2.5 years ago)

  • 6 mos into the relationship, around Dec 2013, she fell in love and slept with a castmate in a play. This was done without your prior knowledge and with no consent from you. (Was it also cheating on agreements? What WERE your agreements at this point in time?)

  • About 7 mos into the relationship, around Jan 2014, she told you about it. You never met the guy. He is no longer in the picture.

  • 8 months into the relationship around Feb 2014 you started talking about Open. (Was this to solve the cheating? Or there was no cheating because nobody technically promised exclusive. But you needed to be more clear on what it was going to be to continue the relationship? And did you actually Open at this point in time or was it still just talking about it? )
  • From March 2014 - Sept 2015 you guys were... (Closed but talking about Open? Actually Open?)
  • In Sept 2015, she slept with a coworker while you were on tour. This was done without your prior knowledge and with no consent from you.



    At this point in time are you Open?

    • No. Not Open yet. Still only talking about it while she had him waiting in the wings. Then she jumped the gun.
    • Yes, Open. Had some Open agreements. She was supposed to give you a heads up before going lover with a new person. She did not. She cheated on the Open agreements going about this guy in the wrong way.


  • You have met this guy and don't like him at all.


PROS

In all of this you are growing closer and communicating in a more intimate way. She also seems generally happier since you've started to explore an open relationship. You've been able to be more honest with her and self about your feelings and trying to express them more healthily.

ISSUES

You still feel hurt, jealous or angry despite best efforts when you think about the hook ups without your knowledge or consent.

QUESTIONS YOU WANT HELP WITH

Q: What can you do to help combat those feelings?

Q: You don't like BF. What are some steps you can do to change that?

Is that how it goes? If so... then it sounds like this to me:

  • If you guys promised to be exclusive the first time? Then she cheated on that promise. Same the second time if you were not actually Open yet.

  • If you guys had some Open agreements the second time, and she failed to keep those promises? Then she cheated on her new Open agreements. It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."

Has there been apology? And promise to change behavior in future? What has she done to demonstrate that her Word trustworthy now? Cuz there's been promises made before.

It's going to be hard to like the new BF if he doesn't apologize for helping her to cheat on her agreements. Has he done that? What has he done to show he's trustworthy?

And have you gotten your STD tests? What are the agreements surrounding that?

Galagirl
 
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Hello pfeifdiggy,

Re (from OP):
"While I am happy for my partner that she can be more of herself, both times she was intimate with others was without my prior knowledge and with no consent from me which can still cause me to be hurt, jealous or angry despite my best efforts. Do any of you have similar feelings at times in your own lives, and what do you do to help combat them?"

I think you have to decide whether you can forgive your partner and trust her again.

"If you find yourself disliking someone your partner is seeing or wants to see, what are some steps that you've taken in the past?"

You don't necessarily have to like someone your partner is seeing. Just steer clear of the someone, and ask your partner to help you steer clear.

That's how I see it anyways.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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