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learner

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Hi all :)

I've been in a fairly comfortable poly relationship with my husband for a while now - neither of us are particularly active, but we're both happy with the concept and the state of our relationship, however I am looking for advice on the best way to stop outside relationships affecting the one I have with my husband in a negative way.

Some history on the current situation is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75506. My 'complicated friendship', the second of its kind, has degenerated somewhat and become more than a little toxic. It affects me a lot, unfortunately he presses all the right (or wrong) buttons and I find that my mood changes depending on him despite my best intentions. I know I have unresolved issues from childhood and I'm working on them, but I find it hard to move on and let him go even though I know that would probably be best.

In the meantime, my husband, who is also my best friend, has to listen to me going on about this guy much more than he would like - he has no respect for my 'friend' and is becoming increasingly hostile towards him. And of course increasingly frustrated with me for not just moving on.

I don't know whether I should just stop talking to my husband about him (although that feels like I would be keeping things from him). I also don't like the way that my mood spills over to my time at home. Does anyone have any advice?
 
The only advice I have is what you already know: You need to end that relationship. He is toxic. He--or at least the situation with him--is causing friction between you and your husband. He is affecting your overall mood, which affects your interactions with everyone.

There's nothing for you to gain by continuing to see him, as far as I can tell from your post.

Your problem isn't with "outside relationships" affecting your marriage. Your problem is that you're in an unhealthy relationship and you need to get out of it. If you aren't involved with a toxic person, you don't have any negativity spilling over. I see that you've said it's hard for you to let him go, but I'm not understanding why. I do know what it's like to want to hold onto someone/something even knowing it's not good for you, but as I said, you have nothing to gain. Don't you deserve to be happy? Doesn't your husband deserve to see you being happy?
 
Thanks for your reply - it gave me a lot to think about. To answer why I haven't walked away... well, firstly he's a colleague which makes things a little more complicated, though not massively so. Secondly, I feel at fault here for reacting the way I do to the things he does - at the start things were great between us and it feels like it shouldn't take that much to get back to that point, if we could both just get over ourselves. But yes, that sounds like excuses even to me - you're right, I do owe it to myself and my husband to sort things out.
 
I just want to throw my support out here for you. I know its hard, but you can do it. I second KC43's question, don't you deserve to be happy? Be strong and love yourself enough to be ok with walking away from a toxic situation.
 
Thanks guys - I think in this case we both have borderline personality issues, and unfortunately they 'complement' each other so that we both react far more strongly to each other's behaviour than perhaps other people would. In his case, he has depression, anxiety and some narcissistic traits - in mine, I'm codependent and fear abandonment. Unfortunately he won't acknowledge he has a problem, and when we fight he gets angry and pushes me away. When we start talking again it's like we never stopped though (until the next argument!)

I do try not to let my moods (resulting from him) affect my life at home, and I'm not really suffering - my life in general is happy and I'm frustrated more than anything. I just wish we could overcome these issues but I'm understanding that without his co-operation it's not going to happen.

I have to admit that I'm struggling with the practicalities of walking away - I see him at work obviously, and also in some of the social scenes we both frequent, I know that doesn't mean I need to be close to him, but I don't want things to be difficult in those places.
 
Hi learner, I just wanted to give you a big digital hug, I'm in a similar situation (including the personality traits) and it took me a great amount of courage and self-improvement to distance myself from my bf. Don't be surprised if he blows up once you start defining and protecting your own limits, because he won't like it... I just hope you can all talk it out like reasonable adults.
I wish you calm, strength, and most of all love for yourself.
 
I have to admit that I'm struggling with the practicalities of walking away - I see him at work obviously, and also in some of the social scenes we both frequent, I know that doesn't mean I need to be close to him, but I don't want things to be difficult in those places.

Well, they sound difficult NOW. I don't think there's a "win-lose" choice here. It's a "this is hard and that is hard. Which is less hard?" choice.

I don't know whether I should just stop talking to my husband about him (although that feels like I would be keeping things from him). I also don't like the way that my mood spills over to my time at home. Does anyone have any advice?

Yes.

Right now what you share with your husband at that volume brings him hostility and frustration.

Could tell him you plan to talk to a counselor and tell them 90% of the load as you work through this, and prepare to dump the toxic guy.

You will give husband the 10% smaller load once in a while so he can keep up on developments, but not be overwhelmed by it.

Seek help outside the system and don't make your husband be your everything guy. You sound like you are overloading him and see it. You don't have to go all the way to zero talking to your husband. Just dial it down to a volume he can deal with better.

Galagirl
 
Thanks again - I think your replies have helped me with my perspective, and especially that I need to stop seeing things as all-or-nothing, black and white (which is definitely a tendency of mine!) I can distance myself from this guy and create firmer boundaries without walking away completely, and I can tell my husband less instead of telling him nothing. Feeling quite strong today, and you guys have definitely helped with that!
 
Hi learner,
I hope things are still looking up for you.

Re (from OP):
"I don't know whether I should just stop talking to my husband about him (although that feels like I would be keeping things from him)."

If your husband specifically asks, then you could tell him (within the bounds of his actual question). No point in telling him details that he can't do anything about.

Re:
"I also don't like the way that my mood spills over to my time at home."

This is going to be a tough one to get past unless you break up with the "friend." You can of course remind yourself that the people at home aren't the ones causing your distress. Beyond that I guess you just grit your teeth and "fake it til you make it."

That's the best I can think of for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So you have a bad relationship. Your friend wants something you can't offer (home, family, etc) and you want something he can't offer (to stop wanting all that and just be your secondary boyfriend). But you're both stringing each other along, and so you have angst, and the angst is impacting your marriage.

Just stop. End it, end the angst. It would be a kindness to your friend, your husband, and yourself.
 
Hi Learner! This is your husband. Ok, I'm joking, but seriously, I'm experiencing the same thing as your husband, and you are my partner. I posted a few weeks ago about my dilemma in this section. I haven't asked my partner to end his relationship, but I've asked him to talk about it to other people - his therapist, his friends, whomever, just NOT me. The same goes for his other partner - I bet HE doesn't want to hear about our issues either. It's only fair, really. I hope you find a way to resolve this. I know it's not easy on either side. Good luck!
 
Hi all :)

Thanks for your comments! So an update... It has all but ended really - we had a spat last week, he in his customary fashion isn't talking to me at the moment - expecting me to run back in and try to patch things up, but that just isn't going to happen this time. I've accepted that it's over, hopefully things won't be too awkward at work for long. And hopefully learned some life lessons!

The hard thing is going to be not being sucked back in if/when he realises I'm not coming back and starts being nice again. But I'm getting there.
 
While I would not rejoice over any breakup, I think in this case it's the best thing, and life will be simpler for you. Hang in there!
 
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