I'm not normally someone that would post on a forum, but I needed somewhere safe to vent.
A few months ago, I started a poly relationship with a guy... we'll call him A. We were both new to poly, and I had been the one to bring it up, because I felt it was the right choice for me and something I wanted to try. We were also LDR, so it seemed appropriate that we would have each other, but also not hold each other back from pursuing physical intimacy on our own time.
Throughout this experience, A assured me that he was in love with me, and only me, and that he put our relationship above and beyond any other relationships that we might have.
Over the summer, I found out that he had four very casual relationships that were 'sex only,' as he told me. He expressed that he hadn't told me because poly was so new to him and he really hadn't understood going from an open relationship that was don't ask don't tell, to one where I wanted him to be honest and up front with me BEFORE he had sex with other partners. He told me about all four of them at once, and since he seemed so sincere about his regret, I believed him.
I guess you can see where this is going.
Now, the unfortunate part of the situation is that we were fluid bonded, and mostly out of his choice, rather than mine. The first time we ever had sex, I repeatedly tried to stop him so that we could talk, but he was extremely emotional and forward, and before I knew it, even while physically trying to stop him, he was inside of me and what was done was done. He even refused my begging him to use a condom. I had not really wanted to have sex at that point, and yes, I regret it, but the lines felt really blurred at the time and I felt manipulated and unable to physically or emotionally stop him. I had wanted to stop him to tell him that I had an STD. I informed him immediately afterwards, and he told me that he didn't care, and that he didn't care if he got me pregnant, either, because I was the kind of girl he wanted to have a baby with. I think he meant that to be sweet, but I found it creepy.
We had our outs for a bit, but he was very persistent, and eventually I started to believe his feelings for me, and we started dating. It was at that point that I told him I wanted to pursue a poly relationship style, and he agreed that it was reasonable, given our LDR status.
I made him promise me, from there on out, just three things. A.) That he told me before he pursued anyone new. B.) That he was honest with anyone he pursued about his relationship with me. and C.) That he was honest with them about his STD status, and practiced safe sex.
Now, almost a year later, I found out about the four people he didn't tell me about in September. He swore up and down that it was because he was new to poly, but that he had used protection with them and been honest about his STD status. I forgave him, we moved on with new promises.
In October, he went to California and met B. About two weeks after meeting her, he told me that he was interested in her and wanted to have sex with her. We're making progress, I thought. But then a day or so later, he admitted that they'd already had sex, but he'd panicked when it came time to telling me.
I was sad. Very hurt. But, I asked, did he tell her about his STD status? Did he tell her about me? Did he use a condom?
Yes, he'd told her about me, he promised, and they'd used condoms... but he hadn't told her about his STD status. I asked him repeatedly to come clean with her, but he kept calling himself a "monster" and couldn't bring himself to do it.
Now, a few months later, we've readdressed our boundaries and issues. I told him I couldn't take anymore lies, and that it was his last chance. He went away for another work trip. Three weeks in, he expresses his excitement that he met another poly person! Someone he could finally relate to and talk to about what he was going through. I ask if he is pursuing her, he repeatedly says no. Then he decides that yes, he does want to pursue her, and I say okay... I flip flop a little, because I want the chance to talk about it, but in the end I give him the go ahead. He promises that she already knew about me and his STD status.
Today, I asked him if they'd hooked up. He said they'd kissed, but stopped there because it didn't feel right and he didn't want to mess up anything with me. He then asked if I believed him, and I avoided answering. I then asked him for her contact info, because I, too, wanted a poly friend. He tells me that she's anxious that I was going to call her to yell at her, I assure that that is not my intention at all.
I texted her to say hello. "Just hello, I got your contact info from A and wanted to say hi."
About ten minutes after giving me her contact info, he texted me to say, "I have to tell you something. I just told her about [my STD status]. And we had sex a few days ago..."
I got a text from her a few minutes later, saying "Hello, I am going to have to text you later when I am calm. A just told me about [his STD status] and we've been having unprotected sex."
So, I found out, not only did he A.) Not tell me about her (apparently they started having sex several weeks ago), but B.) he wasn't 100% honest with her about his relationship with me, and C.) Not only did he withhold his STD status from her, but he LIED TO HER AND TOLD HER THAT THEY DID NOT NEED TO USE CONDOMS, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD THEM WITH HIM.
The funny thing is, I could have probably forgiven him for not being honest with me about when they first had sex. I would have been pissed, sure, but we could have worked through it.
I cannot forgive him for lying to her about the STD and telling her they could have sex without condoms.
She and I had a phone conversation after work in which we both cried to each other about his assholishness regarding the situation.
I've informed him that I feel he sexually assaulted both her, and B, and that if he didn't tell B, I would do it for him. I just don't trust him to man up, anymore.
I'm done with him. I can't deal with that shit anymore. I just... needed somewhere to vent. If you read this, thank you for hearing me out... and try not to judge me too unkindly. I'm really hurting right now and could use some support.
A few months ago, I started a poly relationship with a guy... we'll call him A. We were both new to poly, and I had been the one to bring it up, because I felt it was the right choice for me and something I wanted to try. We were also LDR, so it seemed appropriate that we would have each other, but also not hold each other back from pursuing physical intimacy on our own time.
Throughout this experience, A assured me that he was in love with me, and only me, and that he put our relationship above and beyond any other relationships that we might have.
Over the summer, I found out that he had four very casual relationships that were 'sex only,' as he told me. He expressed that he hadn't told me because poly was so new to him and he really hadn't understood going from an open relationship that was don't ask don't tell, to one where I wanted him to be honest and up front with me BEFORE he had sex with other partners. He told me about all four of them at once, and since he seemed so sincere about his regret, I believed him.
I guess you can see where this is going.
Now, the unfortunate part of the situation is that we were fluid bonded, and mostly out of his choice, rather than mine. The first time we ever had sex, I repeatedly tried to stop him so that we could talk, but he was extremely emotional and forward, and before I knew it, even while physically trying to stop him, he was inside of me and what was done was done. He even refused my begging him to use a condom. I had not really wanted to have sex at that point, and yes, I regret it, but the lines felt really blurred at the time and I felt manipulated and unable to physically or emotionally stop him. I had wanted to stop him to tell him that I had an STD. I informed him immediately afterwards, and he told me that he didn't care, and that he didn't care if he got me pregnant, either, because I was the kind of girl he wanted to have a baby with. I think he meant that to be sweet, but I found it creepy.
We had our outs for a bit, but he was very persistent, and eventually I started to believe his feelings for me, and we started dating. It was at that point that I told him I wanted to pursue a poly relationship style, and he agreed that it was reasonable, given our LDR status.
I made him promise me, from there on out, just three things. A.) That he told me before he pursued anyone new. B.) That he was honest with anyone he pursued about his relationship with me. and C.) That he was honest with them about his STD status, and practiced safe sex.
Now, almost a year later, I found out about the four people he didn't tell me about in September. He swore up and down that it was because he was new to poly, but that he had used protection with them and been honest about his STD status. I forgave him, we moved on with new promises.
In October, he went to California and met B. About two weeks after meeting her, he told me that he was interested in her and wanted to have sex with her. We're making progress, I thought. But then a day or so later, he admitted that they'd already had sex, but he'd panicked when it came time to telling me.
I was sad. Very hurt. But, I asked, did he tell her about his STD status? Did he tell her about me? Did he use a condom?
Yes, he'd told her about me, he promised, and they'd used condoms... but he hadn't told her about his STD status. I asked him repeatedly to come clean with her, but he kept calling himself a "monster" and couldn't bring himself to do it.
Now, a few months later, we've readdressed our boundaries and issues. I told him I couldn't take anymore lies, and that it was his last chance. He went away for another work trip. Three weeks in, he expresses his excitement that he met another poly person! Someone he could finally relate to and talk to about what he was going through. I ask if he is pursuing her, he repeatedly says no. Then he decides that yes, he does want to pursue her, and I say okay... I flip flop a little, because I want the chance to talk about it, but in the end I give him the go ahead. He promises that she already knew about me and his STD status.
Today, I asked him if they'd hooked up. He said they'd kissed, but stopped there because it didn't feel right and he didn't want to mess up anything with me. He then asked if I believed him, and I avoided answering. I then asked him for her contact info, because I, too, wanted a poly friend. He tells me that she's anxious that I was going to call her to yell at her, I assure that that is not my intention at all.
I texted her to say hello. "Just hello, I got your contact info from A and wanted to say hi."
About ten minutes after giving me her contact info, he texted me to say, "I have to tell you something. I just told her about [my STD status]. And we had sex a few days ago..."
I got a text from her a few minutes later, saying "Hello, I am going to have to text you later when I am calm. A just told me about [his STD status] and we've been having unprotected sex."
So, I found out, not only did he A.) Not tell me about her (apparently they started having sex several weeks ago), but B.) he wasn't 100% honest with her about his relationship with me, and C.) Not only did he withhold his STD status from her, but he LIED TO HER AND TOLD HER THAT THEY DID NOT NEED TO USE CONDOMS, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD THEM WITH HIM.
The funny thing is, I could have probably forgiven him for not being honest with me about when they first had sex. I would have been pissed, sure, but we could have worked through it.
I cannot forgive him for lying to her about the STD and telling her they could have sex without condoms.
She and I had a phone conversation after work in which we both cried to each other about his assholishness regarding the situation.
I've informed him that I feel he sexually assaulted both her, and B, and that if he didn't tell B, I would do it for him. I just don't trust him to man up, anymore.
I'm done with him. I can't deal with that shit anymore. I just... needed somewhere to vent. If you read this, thank you for hearing me out... and try not to judge me too unkindly. I'm really hurting right now and could use some support.