Poly cheated on

anonanon

New member
I'm not normally someone that would post on a forum, but I needed somewhere safe to vent.

A few months ago, I started a poly relationship with a guy... we'll call him A. We were both new to poly, and I had been the one to bring it up, because I felt it was the right choice for me and something I wanted to try. We were also LDR, so it seemed appropriate that we would have each other, but also not hold each other back from pursuing physical intimacy on our own time.

Throughout this experience, A assured me that he was in love with me, and only me, and that he put our relationship above and beyond any other relationships that we might have.

Over the summer, I found out that he had four very casual relationships that were 'sex only,' as he told me. He expressed that he hadn't told me because poly was so new to him and he really hadn't understood going from an open relationship that was don't ask don't tell, to one where I wanted him to be honest and up front with me BEFORE he had sex with other partners. He told me about all four of them at once, and since he seemed so sincere about his regret, I believed him.

I guess you can see where this is going.

Now, the unfortunate part of the situation is that we were fluid bonded, and mostly out of his choice, rather than mine. The first time we ever had sex, I repeatedly tried to stop him so that we could talk, but he was extremely emotional and forward, and before I knew it, even while physically trying to stop him, he was inside of me and what was done was done. He even refused my begging him to use a condom. I had not really wanted to have sex at that point, and yes, I regret it, but the lines felt really blurred at the time and I felt manipulated and unable to physically or emotionally stop him. I had wanted to stop him to tell him that I had an STD. I informed him immediately afterwards, and he told me that he didn't care, and that he didn't care if he got me pregnant, either, because I was the kind of girl he wanted to have a baby with. I think he meant that to be sweet, but I found it creepy.

We had our outs for a bit, but he was very persistent, and eventually I started to believe his feelings for me, and we started dating. It was at that point that I told him I wanted to pursue a poly relationship style, and he agreed that it was reasonable, given our LDR status.

I made him promise me, from there on out, just three things. A.) That he told me before he pursued anyone new. B.) That he was honest with anyone he pursued about his relationship with me. and C.) That he was honest with them about his STD status, and practiced safe sex.

Now, almost a year later, I found out about the four people he didn't tell me about in September. He swore up and down that it was because he was new to poly, but that he had used protection with them and been honest about his STD status. I forgave him, we moved on with new promises.

In October, he went to California and met B. About two weeks after meeting her, he told me that he was interested in her and wanted to have sex with her. We're making progress, I thought. But then a day or so later, he admitted that they'd already had sex, but he'd panicked when it came time to telling me.

I was sad. Very hurt. But, I asked, did he tell her about his STD status? Did he tell her about me? Did he use a condom?

Yes, he'd told her about me, he promised, and they'd used condoms... but he hadn't told her about his STD status. I asked him repeatedly to come clean with her, but he kept calling himself a "monster" and couldn't bring himself to do it.

Now, a few months later, we've readdressed our boundaries and issues. I told him I couldn't take anymore lies, and that it was his last chance. He went away for another work trip. Three weeks in, he expresses his excitement that he met another poly person! Someone he could finally relate to and talk to about what he was going through. I ask if he is pursuing her, he repeatedly says no. Then he decides that yes, he does want to pursue her, and I say okay... I flip flop a little, because I want the chance to talk about it, but in the end I give him the go ahead. He promises that she already knew about me and his STD status.

Today, I asked him if they'd hooked up. He said they'd kissed, but stopped there because it didn't feel right and he didn't want to mess up anything with me. He then asked if I believed him, and I avoided answering. I then asked him for her contact info, because I, too, wanted a poly friend. He tells me that she's anxious that I was going to call her to yell at her, I assure that that is not my intention at all.

I texted her to say hello. "Just hello, I got your contact info from A and wanted to say hi."

About ten minutes after giving me her contact info, he texted me to say, "I have to tell you something. I just told her about [my STD status]. And we had sex a few days ago..."

I got a text from her a few minutes later, saying "Hello, I am going to have to text you later when I am calm. A just told me about [his STD status] and we've been having unprotected sex."

So, I found out, not only did he A.) Not tell me about her (apparently they started having sex several weeks ago), but B.) he wasn't 100% honest with her about his relationship with me, and C.) Not only did he withhold his STD status from her, but he LIED TO HER AND TOLD HER THAT THEY DID NOT NEED TO USE CONDOMS, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD THEM WITH HIM.

The funny thing is, I could have probably forgiven him for not being honest with me about when they first had sex. I would have been pissed, sure, but we could have worked through it.

I cannot forgive him for lying to her about the STD and telling her they could have sex without condoms.

She and I had a phone conversation after work in which we both cried to each other about his assholishness regarding the situation.

I've informed him that I feel he sexually assaulted both her, and B, and that if he didn't tell B, I would do it for him. I just don't trust him to man up, anymore.

I'm done with him. I can't deal with that shit anymore. I just... needed somewhere to vent. If you read this, thank you for hearing me out... and try not to judge me too unkindly. I'm really hurting right now and could use some support.
 
I can't type much now because I'm at work but I really wanted to be able to say a few things.

1. Being cheated on sucks. I'm just so sorry. I went into the "poly closet" for five years because of how my first poly relationship ended in cheating.

2. We were so careful with fluid bonding. Honestly I feel angry that he forced that on you. It feels like assault and it feels from the rest of your post like he's a habitual offender. I don't want to tell you what to do but think about that.

3. Being poly is not an excuse to "fuck anyone I want whether or not I tell you, with the protection I want or not.". It's just not. You know this in your heart.

I've got to say guys like this are part of the reason I stayed in the closet so long. Being poly doesn't give one the right or the excuse to be an STD vector and lie about unprotected sex. I'm not going to judge you--I've been in that situation before and I know how much it hurts. You do have support here. This is a good place.
 
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I just wanted to add my support here for you. It sounds like a rotten thing to go through. The whole thing about the way he approached sex with you makes me feel sad and angry for you as it underlines an ongoing issue with people having sex they don't want, and not being heard when they say no. I feel he assaulted not just A and B, but also you. It's upsetting that even as we talk openly on forums and groups about consent and empowerment, there are still instances where people feel pressured to do things they don't want to do and give into that pressure.

I don't blame you for being done with him and needing to vent. I hope it helps as you work through this.
 
Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're not the one to blame, I hope you know that. You're well rid of him! There are responsible, respectful guys out there (my FWB is one) - you'll meet one who deserves your trust and respect one day. Hang in there.
 
I am sorry you deal in this. I see that you hurt. It's a shocker!

I notice you write out of chronological order. Probably not thinking in straight lines right now. (Totally ok!)

But I want to lift this up to you. First time you guys have sex?

we were fluid bonded, and mostly out of his choice, rather than mine. The first time we ever had sex, I repeatedly tried to stop him so that we could talk, but he was extremely emotional and forward, and before I knew it, even while physically trying to stop him, he was inside of me and what was done was done. He even refused my begging him to use a condom.

Hon, that is RAPE. :(

Anything after that to me is moot. One cannot trust a rapist. He likely doesn't care and says whatever charming thing to people to lure them in. He ignores anything in his path -- deaf to any pleas. He's a predator. All the rest? Shows how slippery he is/was in his dealings with you and other people. He doesn't not care about others. He only cares what he gets. Either preying on their bodies or their minds or in your case... both.

I've informed him that I feel he sexually assaulted both her, and B, and that if he didn't tell B, I would do it for him. I just don't trust him to man up, anymore

He also assaulted YOU. Inform A & B if you feel morally obligated, but do NOT tell him what you plan to do. Some assholes take the "You don't tell me what to do! I say what goes!" attitude and that can be scary now that you are trying to be free of him. If you need to file for a restraining order, get one.

Then cut ties with all these people and tend to your own self care. It may be tempting to bond with fellow victims, but don't. Not now. Talk to them after all are healed on their own. Because you cannot trust them in their state to NOT leak info about you to him. And you don't need him to have access to info about you.

I think it is GOOD that you dumped him. I'm not judging you at all. You sound like you were abused physically, emotionally, and mentally, and you are waking up to the fact that this did indeed happen. It's horrible this happened. You deserve to be treated well. You have worth, value, and dignity.

He's treated all of you very, very poorly. :mad:

I think you could benefit from local level support. Get a check up with a doc to make sure you are clean STD wise, and then get a counselor to help you recover from all this mess. Be careful and stay safe -- he might still lurk around. Ask professional how to best deal with this. You may need a safety plan. Especially if he decides to lurk and "get even" rather than move on to new prey.

Again I'm sorry this happened. I hope you heal in time. :(

Galagirl
 
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I 100% agree with Galagirl. As I was reading this, I immediately thought to myself - this is rape. It seems like it is habitual to him to lie and withhold information, and that isn't poly at all. I'm sorry but he reads as not only a shitty poly person, but a shitty person in general. Do not stay go back to him, please. You need to heal from this experience in so many ways. Don't allow him to take up space in your world at all.
 
Why in the hell are you with a sexually abusive asshole?
 
Hi anonanon, I just wanted to add my voice of support and say how sorry I am about the way A treated you (and others). You did the right thing in breaking up with him, he is a shifty and dangerous person.

I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. Hang in there and don't hesitate to vent here whenever you need to. You are heard by sympathetic ears.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks everyone, for giving me a place to vent. As I said, I am no longer with him, I just needed a place to get all of that bad energy out.

I've since found out that the number of women he slept with without telling me is twelve... significantly higher than I first thought. It makes my stomach feel sick.

The more I find out about him, the more disgusted I feel... and the more disappointed and ashamed with myself.
 
Don't feel bad, many of us have been deceived by bad people in the past. Just allow yourself to move into the healing process.
 
Don't beat up on yourself.

Good people try to see the good in others, & sometimes it backfires. While that's kinda sucky, & the reflex does need to be fine-tuned all the time, it shouldn't be punished!

I mask my inherently trusting nature with sarcastic pessimism -- an optimist can't be pleasantly surprised. ;)
 
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