New and starting to notice my insecurities

KGMlove

New member
Hi everyone,

So my husband and I just decided last week that this is what we want to do. At first I was super turned on when he talked about being with another woman. Now, I'm not sure if it's Pms or what, but I find myself feeling insecure about myself which affects how I feel when we talk about it. I still want him to date other people (and him for me) but my insecurities stem more from hoping other guys will be attracted to me. We have been married for fifteen years so obviously not used to the typical dating scene. Also, I am a bit hippyish and decided to stop dying my hair so it's now mostly gray. i actually like the hair color but I worry about it being a turn off. I know my concerns seem soooo superficial.

On another note in regard to dating.... I realized that I hope we can find a good balance between dating each other and dating other people. He and I got to a point where we stopped going on dates and I want to rekindle that again. I guess I want to feel like I am not just the person he married but that our love feels fresh again. Does that make sense? If we are going to have new and fresh relationships then I want our relationship to feel fresh again too.

Don't get me wrong--- we have a very deep bond and are very much in love. Nothing will tear us apart and my husband keeps reminding me of that.

I guess I mainly want to know if these insecurities are normal at this stage since it's so early on?

Edited to add: I might feel more confident once I actually start talking to people. My husband is a bit more bold and seems to be a lot more motivated to find someone right away. He already signed up for openminded.com and okcupid and is talking to me about women who are a match. I'm not jealous that he found people but I guess I am starting to feel a bit unbalanced... if that makes sense? since I haven't done much of anything yet besides introduce myself here and join a Meetup group that i haven't attended yet.
 
Last edited:
I guess I mainly want to know if these insecurities are normal at this stage since it's so early on?

Oh, yes. I was married for 15 years when my husband and I agreed to open our marriage and my number one fear was that few men would find me attractive. Boy, was I in for a very pleasant and often overwhelming surprise. Two years in, I still have some insecurities from years of useless self depricating habits, but my actual experiences with men and women these past few years have been nothing but self-affirming. There's no substitute for doing the work and finding your own internal self love as far as truly soothing insecurities goes, but get ready for an avalanche of interest when you join OKCupid. There are hoards of men (many of them quite young) who will be slobbering all over you - and some will be really interesting and fun to talk with, too. Let us know if you'd like help with your profile. There are many women here with experience on OKCupid. My profile is dormant right now, but only because I've met a few awesome people on there. OKCupid is a woman's world, especially if you're poly.
 
Last edited:
Thank you. Do you recommend the dating sites? I am too chicken to join right now but it seems the easiest way to meet people who are poly.

I am very much into self-love and talk about body image all the time as a former Health Coach. But I know we all have our bad days!
 
OKCupid is the only very active dating site for poly people. There's openminded.com and polymatchmaker.com and others, but OKC is by far the most fruitful, as a generalization. Start on there and you'll have plenty to do. You can interact as much or as little as you like. Be sure your profile is filled out, put up a few nice pix and answer as many questions as you can handle. They are endless, but the more you answer, the better the site can match you up. I've found OKC to be lots of fun when I'm in the mood and in the looking mode. There's no way I would have met the great matches I have now without that site.
 
I second OKCupid. It's wonderful because you can specify that you are strictly non-monogamous and you can search for others who state that also. Go on there without a photo at first to get comfortable, or use a nondescript photo for the first few days or even weeks. Message a few people and start conversations. I've met wonderful friends that way, not just partners. Have fun!
 
Good to know! My husband completed his profile last night and found a few he wants to tell me about tonight. :) I guess I just wasn't quite ready yet but maybe I'm just nervous. Yes... open minded seemed cool but not as popular.
 
on a related note....(sorry if this is off topic)... any suggestions for my husband as he write his first messages to women he is interested in? (from okcupid)
 
He should be very honest and ask a lot of questions about her. Sharing how he feels (nervous, excited, intimidated, etc.) is a wonderful start to an open relationship :)
 
okay that's good advice. (and my husband does appreciate the advice although he doesn't know I am asking for him, lol) I also read that it's best to not tell the person right away that they are attracted to them. is that true for you?
 
There are lots of threads here with OKCupid advice:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75946&highlight=okcupid+profile
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3074&highlight=okcupid+profile

and many more.


Your husband should express interest for sure and handing out a complimet or two is a good idea, along with mentioning things from her profile. Expressing attraction in the first message is a bit much and it's implied, anyway. No need to drive home any points in the first message. A short paragraph or two of original content is a good amount to write.
 
Good to know! My husband completed his profile last night and found a few he wants to tell me about tonight. :) I guess I just wasn't quite ready yet but maybe I'm just nervous.

You and your husband should not be "dating together" but each at your own pace. He is gung ho and that's groovy, but you're not him, so be sure to go online only when you feel ready. You certainly do not have to jump into OKC just because he is doing it. It's a vastly different experience for men and women. He will be fishing (the one making most of the moves) and you'll be fielding offers left, right and center because you are fresh to the site and because you're a woman. OKCupid gives new profiles higher visibility and people often search for newcomers. Both of those make you very visible in your first few weeks on OKC. I would go on only if I were ready to meet people.
 
I agree and he did tell me that he is in no rush for me. He wants it to be my own thing. Right now, I am happy just going to a Tantra meet up soon.
 
Hi KGMlove,

You have received some wonderful advice already and there is little I can add that would be any different, but I believe in support by numbers, so I'd like to offer my contribution too and let you know that you're not at all alone in what you are feeling!

The main point that I wanted to express to you when I read your first post is not to worry yourself too much with the fact that insecurities are popping up. This will happen. All sorts of tiny little things, many of which may seem ridiculous to your logical mind, will start flaring because you are going through a significant change to the system you have lived by for so long. Therefore, your internal system perceives these changes as threats and flags areas for you to look at to deal with the threats.

Polyamory, I deeply believe, is not just a decision, it's a process. The early parts are very, very, very, very daunting! It takes time and patience with yourself, as well as with those around you.

Also, what you are feeling in terms of your anxiety about imbalance is also entirely natural. I'm glad to see that you are happier to move at your own pace now rather than to try to match what your husband is doing.

On another note in regard to dating.... I realized that I hope we can find a good balance between dating each other and dating other people. He and I got to a point where we stopped going on dates and I want to rekindle that again.
This is very important to lift up, I feel. Have you openly expressed this to him?

I've been poly for going on five years now and whilst many of my original fears, anxieties and whatnot have dissipated, this area is still a major bugbear for me. If you can iron this out now, it will definitely save you guys heartache further down the line. I hope that he is as receptive and enthusiastic to the idea of going on dates with you as you are about going on dates with him.

I guess I want to feel like I am not just the person he married but that our love feels fresh again. Does that make sense? If we are going to have new and fresh relationships then I want our relationship to feel fresh again too.
This is a bit trickier, though, although I completely understand your feelings on it and have been there myself too.

The only thing I'd exercise some caution on here is setting your expectations so high that they are unattainable. In the best case scenario, your husband takes the same approach and wants to invest the energy into your relationship so that you two can make sure that you're enjoying newness and fun together. However, I'd just advise to be careful not to unwittingly set up a situation in which there is a sense of competition between your relationship and the new relationships that enter your lives. I don't get the impression that you want competition - I think your intentions are wonderful and I hope that your husband takes the same approach to this.

Hopefully, your husband agrees that the two of you should totally still go on dates and enjoy true presence and excitement together. This will also make it easier to weather the NRE that is bound to come your way when either of you find a new person you are interested in.
 
THank you so much for that reply! Yes, I did express this to my husband the other night and he was very open and receptive to it. I am really grateful that he will listen to my feelings. Is NRE New Relationship Energy? I think I saw that acronym yesterday. I know we both definitely feel compersion (yay, I learned a new word! lol). He was showing me his okcupid profile last night and it was actually really neat to talk about his answers together and then he showed me some matches. I think it's good to just take this one step at a time. :)
 
Hi KGM,

You are so very welcome!

I'm sorry - yes! NRE is New Relationship Energy. And good stuff on learning the word compersion!... ~grins~

It's wonderful to hear that your husband is as open to putting effort into your marriage as you are whilst you explore polyamory together.

I hope you keep us up to date with your goings on. It will be great to hear how things are progressing! :)
 
I think you're on the right track. Just take your time and move at your own pace. It is supposed to be fun, remember!

Just know that all women get lots and lots of mindless-brainless messages from idiots, but there will be a few gems in among the many duds (we all poke fun at the losers here: Your most recent OKC messages. post em here!). I gained a few really nice friendships with guys I dated from OKC. You have to have a sense of humor about it because the jackasses out there can make online dating seem like a tediously frustrating exercise, but the good guys are totally worth slogging through the muck and mire to find them!

Oh, and by the way, when I started using OKC, I had totally grey hair and got tons of compliments on it, plus I'm overweight, so don't worry about that! There are all kinds of guys out there, with all kinds of preferences and "types" and not everyone is into the stereotypes of what beauty "should" be.
 
Last edited:
Thank you for the encouragement about the gray hair. :)

On a whim, I signed up for Openminded.com . It's true there aren't as many people on there but wow-- I am already getting a lot of views and some messages. Need to block some people though. Still not sure if the dating sites are for me, but thought I would check it out.
 
Hi KGMlove,

The others have gave great tips and advice, I don't have much to add but just wanted to add my reassurance that everyone has insecurities from time to time. Also I think it's a great idea for you and your husband to start dating each other again. Don't get too picky about exactly how many dates you go on per how many dates with other people. Just pick how often you want to date each other, once a week or whatever.

Glad you are having good luck on Openminded.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top