portmanteau
New member
I am in a very new situation and I just want some outside perspectives. I guess that we're doing this the right way and things might be okay. I made an anonymous post on a mainstream forum and things did not go well. I am told I should see the other side of things in a place like this. I am so sorry for the novel in advance, but I don't know how to get your opinion without providing the full picture.
So, this is the situation. My best friend and I are both married and we have children. We have been friends for about four years. We have gotten progressively closer and I guess she had overt feelings that she talked to her husband about starting around the beginning of this year, like 9 months ago. Then, three weeks ago, she confessed this to me. We had previously flirted but I always felt it was mostly joking, not really on the table. Because well, husbands and kids and families, etc. I was just trying to process what she had told me when I told my husband the next day and before even hearing anything about my feelings, he was very "go for it." To be clear, it would be nothing with him or her husband and he isn't interested in that. He was saying that he was not jealous, thought he had lots of time to experiment and have different relationships in his youth and I didn't, you've never been with a woman, etc. I was still reeling.
And then for the last three weeks we have done tons of talking. Talking and talking and talking to each other and our husbands. Trying to make sure we are all on the same page and nobody feels forced into anything. We both got the immediate go ahead from husbands but hesitated anyway, or actually, at least I hesitated. Wanting to make sure that they were sure over and over again.
Two nights ago, she kissed me. We kissed. It was gentle and sweet and we were doing a lot of face stroking, etc. There was so much talking leading up to that moment. We did all the what-ifs many times over with everyone.
We each talked to our husbands since then and they are still alright with everything, they say.
We are planning to watch each other's children for date nights with our husbands this Friday and Saturday and we are going out tomorrow night (mainly because I need to go shopping for some professional clothes and things without kids, but I'm guessing it will feel date-ish). We are trying to make sure nobody feels neglected.
I feel like we did a lot right by the standards of polyamory blogs, etc. that I've been reading. We weren't trying to force anyone or cheat.
EXCEPT, the guideline we may have violated is "work on your marriage first." Our marriages aren't perfect. They aren't awful either. We're both best friends with our spouses (and each other). We both coparent well with our spouses, enjoy each other's company, laugh, etc. However, we both have a history where our spouses broke our trust. To be clear, each of us had a husband break our trust. Cheating, or what felt like it amounted to cheating, via online messages. It was the dishonesty that hurt most. Our incident was three years ago. He moved out briefly, we went to therapy, did trust building exercises, etc. Hers was more recent and they are still working on things, but amicable. And we seem to be amicable also when we are all together. We have stayed over at each other's homes many times (before and after the confession and talks started) and have happy chats and interactions with each other's husbands. Also, my husband and I have sex less often than the average couple. We do have sex and enjoy it when we do, but he has a low drive compared to most men and a busy work schedule to boot. We are always very intimate and touchy, but make time for sex less often than most people.
Anyway, final back story, my parents are in a polyamorous relationship of sorts and have been for 17 years. They don't call it that or talk about it at all, but my parents moved in a woman and her two daughters when I was 8. They are still together. It hasn't been perfect in many ways but nobody's life was torn asunder, I don't think.
So, these are the kinds of comments I'm getting that give voice to all of my fears, so any feedback there?
"I just don't think there's room in a marriage for another person. I think some men I initially feel no threat from another woman however it is a threat in many ways. Both of your marriages are lacking something and that's what you think you'll get from each other but it rarely works out that way. Your friendship will forever change and you're taking a risk of losing that friendship. I think in most cases the men will end up feeling threatened and it will be a bigger deal than they think right now. I just don't think it's worth the risk especially when that risk can affect your children. Is a relationship with someone other than your husband worth risking their happiness, stability and well being? Of this goes bad that's exactly what will happen."
And another, from the same person, "This is going to open the door for your husband to have a relationship outside of your marriage and you really have no room to say no or object to that. It seems like he's smart in saying it's no problem. He knows her, you already spend time with her so it's no big deal but now he gets to find someone else too. Only his wont be with a guy he's already friends with. It will be with a woman who is a threat to your marriage. Him not objecting makes some sense now. "
She says, "Wait whoa, no. Our kids are okay. Our husbands are okay. How can more love be bad? How can somebody else loving our kids be bad?"
I said, "I mean, it was all stuff that we talked about from all sides already, but it was a negative voice to my fears."
Thoughts? Are we on the right page for this?
TLDR version: I'm starting a relationship with my best friend. We talked it to death with our husbands and everyone is on board. But, our marriages aren't perfect and I have concerns and want to make sure we're going about this the right way.
So, this is the situation. My best friend and I are both married and we have children. We have been friends for about four years. We have gotten progressively closer and I guess she had overt feelings that she talked to her husband about starting around the beginning of this year, like 9 months ago. Then, three weeks ago, she confessed this to me. We had previously flirted but I always felt it was mostly joking, not really on the table. Because well, husbands and kids and families, etc. I was just trying to process what she had told me when I told my husband the next day and before even hearing anything about my feelings, he was very "go for it." To be clear, it would be nothing with him or her husband and he isn't interested in that. He was saying that he was not jealous, thought he had lots of time to experiment and have different relationships in his youth and I didn't, you've never been with a woman, etc. I was still reeling.
And then for the last three weeks we have done tons of talking. Talking and talking and talking to each other and our husbands. Trying to make sure we are all on the same page and nobody feels forced into anything. We both got the immediate go ahead from husbands but hesitated anyway, or actually, at least I hesitated. Wanting to make sure that they were sure over and over again.
Two nights ago, she kissed me. We kissed. It was gentle and sweet and we were doing a lot of face stroking, etc. There was so much talking leading up to that moment. We did all the what-ifs many times over with everyone.
We each talked to our husbands since then and they are still alright with everything, they say.
We are planning to watch each other's children for date nights with our husbands this Friday and Saturday and we are going out tomorrow night (mainly because I need to go shopping for some professional clothes and things without kids, but I'm guessing it will feel date-ish). We are trying to make sure nobody feels neglected.
I feel like we did a lot right by the standards of polyamory blogs, etc. that I've been reading. We weren't trying to force anyone or cheat.
EXCEPT, the guideline we may have violated is "work on your marriage first." Our marriages aren't perfect. They aren't awful either. We're both best friends with our spouses (and each other). We both coparent well with our spouses, enjoy each other's company, laugh, etc. However, we both have a history where our spouses broke our trust. To be clear, each of us had a husband break our trust. Cheating, or what felt like it amounted to cheating, via online messages. It was the dishonesty that hurt most. Our incident was three years ago. He moved out briefly, we went to therapy, did trust building exercises, etc. Hers was more recent and they are still working on things, but amicable. And we seem to be amicable also when we are all together. We have stayed over at each other's homes many times (before and after the confession and talks started) and have happy chats and interactions with each other's husbands. Also, my husband and I have sex less often than the average couple. We do have sex and enjoy it when we do, but he has a low drive compared to most men and a busy work schedule to boot. We are always very intimate and touchy, but make time for sex less often than most people.
Anyway, final back story, my parents are in a polyamorous relationship of sorts and have been for 17 years. They don't call it that or talk about it at all, but my parents moved in a woman and her two daughters when I was 8. They are still together. It hasn't been perfect in many ways but nobody's life was torn asunder, I don't think.
So, these are the kinds of comments I'm getting that give voice to all of my fears, so any feedback there?
"I just don't think there's room in a marriage for another person. I think some men I initially feel no threat from another woman however it is a threat in many ways. Both of your marriages are lacking something and that's what you think you'll get from each other but it rarely works out that way. Your friendship will forever change and you're taking a risk of losing that friendship. I think in most cases the men will end up feeling threatened and it will be a bigger deal than they think right now. I just don't think it's worth the risk especially when that risk can affect your children. Is a relationship with someone other than your husband worth risking their happiness, stability and well being? Of this goes bad that's exactly what will happen."
And another, from the same person, "This is going to open the door for your husband to have a relationship outside of your marriage and you really have no room to say no or object to that. It seems like he's smart in saying it's no problem. He knows her, you already spend time with her so it's no big deal but now he gets to find someone else too. Only his wont be with a guy he's already friends with. It will be with a woman who is a threat to your marriage. Him not objecting makes some sense now. "
She says, "Wait whoa, no. Our kids are okay. Our husbands are okay. How can more love be bad? How can somebody else loving our kids be bad?"
I said, "I mean, it was all stuff that we talked about from all sides already, but it was a negative voice to my fears."
Thoughts? Are we on the right page for this?