New to this, guilt

HeidiNew2This

New member
Hello all,
I am a married 11 years and a mom, and we just decided to try an open relationship. I have kissed a couple men and my husband is okay with it, but I feel like I am scrambling with anxiety to be sure nobody figures me out. I enjoy the idea of all of this and believe it's the right choice for us, at least for now. We are very happily married, just think this would be a fun adventure. How do I navigate the major anxiety? Or is it a sign I shouldn't be doing this? Thanks for any constructive answers!
 
Hello Heidi,

I'm brand new to the forum too, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I would say, talk to your husband openly about your anxiety. Explore with him what is casuing you to be anxious. Maybe you need more reassurance from him. You mentioned you have anxiety regarding if someone were to figure you out. Maybe the anxiety is from the pressure from society to keep our poly lifestyles a secret. I think this might be a common theme and common source of unease for many of us.
 
Welcome! I think your anxiety may lessen with time. With me, I was also very anxious at first, particularly about how people might perceive me as cheating on my husband, or that they might perceive him as cheating on me.

I did eventually get over the anxiety. I talked about it with my husband A LOT. We decided to what extent we wanted to be open about things with others (in my case very open with friends, not so open with family or at work), and that helped. I realized that a lot of my fear was tied to losing certain things (or at least having to think very hard about certain things) that are couple privileges. After some pretty serious self-examination, I realized that I needed my happiness more than I needed those things. And I also realized that I can't control what other people think, but I know that there is no cheating going on here, and if people want to be wrong they're free to be wrong about what's going on in my life and not be involved.

When people start new things, especially new life-changing things, they can think about them all the time and expend a lot of emotion energy and so on. But as you do it for longer it starts to feel normal. I hope that's the case for you. Good luck!
 
I agree with AutumnLeaves. As time goes on the anxiety will likely fade. I experienced a lot of anxiety at first but those faded.

Talking about your anxieties will help -- often as you talk about it they fade and if they don't, you can talk through until you understand where it is coming from.

I had an anxiety I was doing something wrong, it took some time for me to get used to the new experience enough for that feeling to go away.

When people start new things, especially new life-changing things, they can think about them all the time and expend a lot of emotion energy and so on.

*nods*. And can for a while make it seem like everything is about the new experience. It can help to maintain balance with familiar experiences especially those that fully occupy your attention. Do some ordinary things, don't forget to do the activities you and your husband do together. It is easy to focus entirely on the adventure and not give yourself time to rest and process.
 
Great thread!

I'm new to this forum and we're navigating this too.

We're deciding how worried we are or are not going to be about "being seen together" in public in our community. My best friend/girlfriend is also a little worried about us living in the south and how that will affect things.

I don't have any advice, because we're still figuring things out.

However, she says she arrived at not wanting to tell her family but maybe, eventually, if we both decide, coming out to friends (almost all of our friends are mutual). I feel like I could tell my family eventually, but not yet. I definitely don't want work contacts to know (which is tricky, because one of them is a mutual friend). I was sad that she was reluctant to hold hands and kiss in public. It felt a little surprising to both of us, since before she was with her husband she was an open lesbian, and I've never been with a woman before. So, maybe we were a little flip-flopped in how we expected to feel. We reflected a lot and talked to both husbands and some switch must have flipped in her because she kissed me goodbye in broad daylight in the middle of an outdoor mall today. Shocked me! So, we'll see how things progress.
 
"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is... Fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."
- from the first inauguration speech of Franklin D. Roosevelt, who began his presidency when the USA was in the grip of the Great Depression. Roosevelt put into practice the "New Deal", which created thousands of jobs and ended the Depression. He went on to be elected 3 more times to the presidency.

What is RIGHT can often be scary. And WHATEVER you do, you will ALWAYS be able to find people who criticise it.

Just remember that it's your life. The critics don't have to live it: you do. If what makes you happy makes them sour, that's their bad luck. If another's life choices has the power to make them sour, they're probably never going to be happy, no matter what they (or you) do.
That probably isn't much consolation when your life choices bother people (e.g. family) whom you love.

With care and patience you might get them to realise that they love you despite your strange practices. And - who knows? - someday they might even admire you for exploring new and scary territory.

Welcome to this forum, HeidiNew2This, Dreamcatcher, and portmanteau! Hold on tight and enjoy the ride...
 
Hi HeidiNew2This,

I can probably be more helpful with a little more information. When you say major anxiety, that sounds like fear and my question is, what are you afraid will happen? When you want to be sure nobody figures you out, can you share what part (all?) of you you want to conceal, from whom and for what reason?

I'll try to answer your questions as best I can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I just want to say I'm new here too and also feel a bit guilty. I grew up in a traditional christian household (am now agnostic) and it's so hard to break the mold! It's freeing and scary at the same time.
 
One thing that has really helped me has been to make friends who are poly. I unintentionally made friends through dating (dates who turned into friends) and I am so grateful for them. They have helped me with my questions and uncertainties so much, as well as making me feel like I belong.
 
Back
Top