LDR: Getting complicated or am I overreacting?

I grew up in a really abusive home where I was taught emotions were bad and caused problems for no good reason. Why bring it up? Especially when it could hurt or complicate things for someone. I'd rather just deal and move forward. Otherwise they may just feel I'm not worth it and leave altogether. Those are my real thought processes and I'm starting to learn that it does way more harm than good.

I am so sorry. I know that "unlearning" abuse related habits can be hard.

Keep trying though. Be honest and forthright with Cuba. Find out what you want to know. Risk learning that Cuba finds you worthwhile as a whole person -- even WITH emotions.

hugs
Galagirl
 
I just have a really big problem processing my emotions and I'm still learning to force myself to do that. I grew up in a really abusive home where I was taught emotions were bad and caused problems for no good reason. Why bring it up? Especially when it could hurt or complicate things for someone.
Please read my comment re: abuse on another thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=310060#post310060

In your case, Bunnielight, the abuse / internalised guilt evidently made you feel that you don't have a right to express your emotions. (Of course, this is obviously ridiculous. So - to make it seem less ridiculous - you turn it into "Why bring it up? Especially when it could hurt or complicate things for someone." I really feel that you need to realise that by denying yourself the right to express your feelings, you're hurting yourself.)
 
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Anxieties with Cuba reached a peak for me yesterday.

Here is why:

Zed had a show in his town this past week. He took Pixie with him and Cuba said would be there. Which I expected seeing as supporting the comedy scene has always been his number 1 priority. He attends the majority of comedy shows in his town.

I wasn't able to go because of work. But seeing as Pixie was going, she and I talked before hand and she basically volunteered to nudge Cuba a little bit and see how he was feeling about our dynamic right now. Not so much to receive specific information, just to get a sense if he's feeling awkward and/or just isn't feeling things as much as I had hoped. This way I get an idea of how to approach him when we do talk when he comes in town next month.

When they got back into town the next day, they broke it to me that he never showed up. Even after they waited. While he apologized for flaking, it still put me in a terrible mindset.


Ever since we started this thing, I feel I've made most of the effort. I drive out to see him, I initiate conversations, and we give him full support and have opened our home for him to visit any time he wants. We want him to feel like a part of things. I took his not showing a little to heart because it showed me a lack of support when it's usually a priority. I could have been there, and he would have missed it.

I tried to initiate conversation about a week ago, which he was responsive to up until the conversation became deeper. At which point he dropped off and I haven't heard anything from him since then.

This was where my mind was all day yesterday. At this point, I feel like no more than an obligatory lay. I feel like I don't interest him and honestly, I feel a little frivolous in his book.

So that's really where I am at the moment on this situation.
 
Sorry to hear that that happened.

So, what about the idea of contacting Cuba directly? by phone or by email if not in person? Should you share with him some of what you're feeling, or would that make things worse do you think?
 
Sorry to hear that that happened.

So, what about the idea of contacting Cuba directly? by phone or by email if not in person? Should you share with him some of what you're feeling, or would that make things worse do you think?


This is where I've gotten a lot of mixed advice.

Zed believes that I should just text him something along the lines of "I really miss talking to you."
Which would force a response related to our lack of contact.

Pixie believes that I should send him a long Facebook message explaining what I'm feeling and expressing my concern and what I feel I need in order to continue. This would give him plenty of opportunity to read, reread, gather his thoughts and feelings and not feel caught off guard when he comes next month. Which would have been my response say if we were in a mono or more serious relationship. Though every part of me would like to reach for that from him, I feel that may be overwhelming considering the situation and what I already know some of his needs are. The idea is tempting because I know I communicate better via writing, though could be harmful and scare him off.

Common sense, however, tells me that I should call him. And talk through this on the phone like mature adults. My only issue with this is my own anxiety. I am terrible with verbal communication to begin with, much less when I cannot see their face and/or nonverbals. I likely wouldn't handle it well and may make things extremely awkward.

I know face to face would be better under these circumstances, but it will be another month before I get the opportunity. No one, including myself, feels I should wait that long to talk about this considering the toll it's taking on me mentally.

Most people I have discussed this with, including the men, believe that he is more emotionally into things than he is letting on and that he may be why he is distant, as he is likely trying to refrain from getting too emotionally attached to something long distance where he is 3rd in line (essentially). Regardless of what he's feeling, I truly fear overwhelming him with all of these feels and ruining what we do share. Especially considering his previous negative reaction when I bring emotion to the table.
 
After talking this over with zed again tonight I feel a sudden overwhelming feeling as though I've been used. This may be irrational but I'm actually feeling sick now.

Going to bed thinking about this.
Going to try and talk to Cuba tomorrow after business hours when I know he's off work.
 
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After talking this over with zed again tonight I feel a sudden overwhelming feeling as though I've been used. This may be irrational but I'm actually feeling sick now.
You have not been used. You have started to have boyfriend expectations from your fuckbuddy. That is where it goes wrong.
 
You have not been used. You have started to have boyfriend expectations from your fuckbuddy. That is where it goes wrong.

Fuckbuddy is where I feel it's twisted.

He and I spoke before we even started about the importance of emotional connection with someone I'm sleeping with. He understood and said he felt the same.

Fuckbuddy is exactly what I told him I didn't want to be.
 
I am sorry you feel taken for granted/not getting what you need. I hope the talk goes well.

This is why you got together:

I initiated most of our relationship because after about 4 years of watching this man get fucked over and hurt over and over, I felt like giving him something I knew he wouldn't have to worry about. Someone like this NEEDs to be appreciated, even if for a short time from me.

To me it sounds like the short time is ending. Goal was met. Now your NRE for Cuba is wearing off, you don't like the LDR thing, and now you are tired of pouring in energy into this relationship just to pour in. It's run its course. Hope he feels better, you had a nice time, but it is done.

The new question is if he wants to start a NEW thing. For it to become a two-sided relationship rather than mostly a one-sided relationship. At this point in time you would like more responsiveness and connection if you are going to keep investing. That some of YOUR communication needs will also be met here when he's away because this "only ON when you are in town" thing is not enough for you for something long term. Ask if he's willing to change models or if you are best letting it end.

Going to try and talk to Cuba tomorrow after business hours when I know he's off work.

I know it's not ideal face-to-face with the LDR -- unless you can Skype or similar. So go next best -- either over phone or over email after work.

Keep it short and sweet. Ask what you need to know. Then you can know where things stand. And that way if the trip out needs to be canceled it can be.

Galagirl
 
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I have issues with verbal communication because when I was growing up, if I didn't manage to say exactly what I meant within seconds of beginning to speak, I either was yelled at to "Hurry up and stop wasting my time" or I was accused of lying because I didn't have time to phrase things right. Even now, decades later, if I have to have a serious discussion with someone my brain grinds to a screeching halt because I'm afraid they won't listen, or they'll get mad if I don't talk fast enough, or I'll lose track of what I'm saying even if I've mentally rehearsed it to death. And between those fears and the topic itself, I usually start crying, which makes me more anxious because of people in my past who accused me of crying on purpose to manipulate them during discussions like that.

Verbal communication over the phone is even worse, because I have auditory processing deficits that make it difficult for me to take in what someone says if I can't see them while they're speaking. It's still difficult if I can see them, but at least then I can read their lips to some degree and I have visual cues to help me get the context of their words.

When face to face communication is possible, I've found that writing what I want to say and asking the other person to read it in front of me and then respond works best. Then I can get out what I need to tell them without fear of them interrupting me or getting angry with me for taking too long, and without crying while they're reading it.

When face to face isn't possible, I sometimes text or message the other person to say, "I need to talk to you about something important, please call me when you have time to listen and talk with me." And then when I have them on the phone, I tell them again that it's important, and that even if I get emotional or start having trouble getting the words together, I need them to listen and be patient. Since the people I'm inclined to have that type of discussion with are aware of my difficulties and mental health issues, they're always willing to let me have the breathing room, so to speak, to get out the words I need to get out and then discuss the situation calmly, or ask me to wait until they've had time to think about it or until we are face to face.

As for the "fuckbuddy" thing... You've said he's your friend with benefits, which isn't the same as fuckbuddy, to me. Fuckbuddy is purely about sex; friend with benefits is about *friendship* with sex included. To me, it isn't unreasonable to want a friend to respond to your contact or to make an effort occasionally to contact or see you.
 
Re (from Bunnielight):
"Going to try and talk to Cuba tomorrow after business hours when I know he's off work."

If you're willing, let us know how that talk goes.
 
Hi Bunnielight, I am so sorry you are struggling with the relationship shape with Cuba. I have read the thread to the end, but wanted to go back to what Kevin said earlier.

I suspect you're over-analyzing what's going on in Cuba's head. I'm thinking that he thinks of long-distance relationships differently than you do. It doesn't occur to him to initiate remote contact, he just doesn't think of it...

In my experience, men are often thinking dumb, embarrassing stuff, and precious little of that to boot. So to a man, hearing a woman ask him what he's thinking, it can give the man a mild panic attack (before he says, "Nothing"). Then the woman's like, "I know you're thinking something, come on, tell me what it is," and the man's panic attack worsens (before he again says, "Nothing").

... having to admit he basically was thinking nothing. After all, who could ever literally be thinking nothing? Believe it or not, men are quite good at it.

At the most maybe the man's thinking, "Sex," or, "Food." Nothing specific about sex and food, just sex and food as general concepts. If he's more ambitious than usual, he might think, "Boobs," or, "Pizza." But that's about as deep as it gets. Unless he's tinkering with a car or fixing something around the house. It's pretty obvious what he's thinking about then. (Sex and food, right? ;))

I want to add, (typical) men also think about work, and sports. But from what I understand, the typical hetero man doesn't spend much time thinking about distant friends. Men can not see or talk to a friend for a year, 5 years, 10 years, and yet when circumstances bring them together, just take up where they left off long ago!


I apologize for stereotyping in this sermon. There's exceptions to every rule, I merely intended to state what I thought the rule was.

I think that is partly why I am drawn to men who are gay, or bisexual, transgendered, cross-dressers, or artists of some kind. Musicians, poets, filmmakers, visual artists and dancers seem to have more awareness of emotions. They spend much time expressing their emotions in their work. Ordinary frat boy macho types have no appeal for me.

(I am also very romantically attracted to women.)

I did date an older guy who was into motorcycles, for a while this year, and while he did used to ride with a motorcycle gang, I found him to be someone you'd think was the kindest nicest most introspective member of the gang...hehe We are no longer an item, but we are chat friends. He rarely contacts me, but once in a while I update him on my life and he responds quickly and nicely, taking an interest in me and offering me a picture of how his life is going.

I hear that you're afraid of speaking your truth, to avoid "inconveniencing" others, and that is adding to the difficulties. I find this so odd, but I guess it's common! That is how my gf was raised. Never speak of a difficult emotion to a family member, just to avoid giving them pain! So everyone went around in a sad bubble, not sharing things, and even lying about themselves and who they were, to avoid "hurting" someone else. It's killing to intimacy!
 
LOL, Kevin, that is because I was agreeing with you!
 
I know, I have good judgment. :D
 
Bunnie, I think you are making yourself sick over nothing. As I see it, yes, you are overreacting. For some reason, your thoughts started going down a certain path and you've paid credence to them, which has stirred up your emotions. Meanwhile, Cuba's fine with your relationship and has no idea you've indulged in churning through a million icky thoughts.

Stop churning. It's a waste of your time and energy. What I suspect is that Cuba does have affectionate feelings for you, but you and he have different ways of expressing affection. Plus, I wonder if you are comparing him to Dean and Zed, or past boyfriends, instead of enjoying the moment and appreciating what you have.

Definitely do not write him a heavy, long, emotional email - egad, that is the best way to push a guy away!

The biggest killer of satisfaction in relationships is holding onto unrealistic expectations. So let go and chill. Be cool with the love and lovingness that comes your way, when it comes your way,, and don't be insistent about how you want things to go. And maybe buy the "Five Love Languages" book. Everybody expresses love, affection, and romance in their own way. All this mental masturbation you've been doing seems rather pointless.
 
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Spoke to Cuba last night.

But before we spoke I found out some interesting information about a conversation between he and Zed a couple of weeks ago. Pixie even agreed that she thinks has a lot to do with his recent distance. Cuba had brought me up in conversation between them and disclosed that I've had a greater affect on his life than I was even really aware of. Zed's practical dismissing of his statement basically made everything pretty clear.

At that point my anxiety about the situation was pretty much gone. Zed said he didn't even think about that having been a red flag, but it makes sense.


I feel our talk was fairly successful. Zed felt that what I had to say was very mature and tactful:

"I've just been a little confused about things. I feel like I may bore you. I understand this isn't a serious thing but when I don't hear from you for long periods of time, I feel like I may annoy you or I don't interest you. And that's important to me."

I felt I needed to express my main need in order to keep this going. It's the friendship, really. If I don't have that, if you can't tell me things, I have nothing to attach our benefits to.

He apologized and explained how he's bad at that on multiple levels.
It was a bit of a struggle to get conversation going, but we've actually been talking in bits and pieces since last night.

It seems as though he may have gotten the picture, even though he ignored the emotional parts. :rolleyes:
 
Sounds like progress. :)

He seemed to respond pretty well aside from conversation being a struggle to start. He's actually initiated deep conversation gradually over the past couple of days. At one point telling me that sometimes he "takes things personally and it makes him withdraw."

It seems as though he needed to know I was still interested. And that Zed was in a happy place. Because their conversation from before indicated that Zed was not happy and I'm sure that it worried him.

I also requested that Zed talk to him and rectify any of Cuba's concern for his happiness. I would like for Cuba to hear it from more than just me that Zed is happy.

I'm not expecting to hear from him every day, but the jump in communication seems nice and I think he understood where I was coming from.

I feel like I can breathe now.

Until I remember I'm going to see him in a month and now I'm getting all giddy.:p
 
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