Living Truthfully Within

I've learned to put disclaimers because if I'm not clear on the differentiation between venting and spewing vs. something I actually believe, sometimes folks who read the posts get concerned. I don't want to worry anyone, I just want to get crappy stuff out of my brain :)

You are definitely worth more than being someone's "less than" or backup plan or anything like that. I hope you're able to sort out what's going on with Rocky and with Ria.

Thanks for the KC, I know I completely understand and I liked the idea that you put that foreward with honesty and integrity. My shame and guilt about my condition has led me to hide it from people instead of state what I need, or how to go forward. So...I appreciate reading what you write because it gives me ideas and input how to handle the same/similar sort of thing with myself and other people. I can be quick to judge becaue I put up walls to protect, ad sometimes I dont know if I am feeling something that is real or not or reactionary in the moment, or just downright not true???

And you're right I dont deserve to be someones back up plan or be less than. I am working on asking rocky to treat me like I am not that, and what that looks like to not feel that way.

With Ria, who knows. I called her friday and she was cold with a less than minuute call where she stonewalled conversation again and didn't want to talk. I think she is sending very clear signals of not wanting to be my friends :(
 
I successfully "Closed" with 95% percent people, in that I havent stopped being poly, I have stopped practicing it at this time.

Rocky and I had a really great talk about this and why I did it until we both finish our respective emails, and get back with each other. He knows how much I have been burnt emotionally with potential partners in the last year and how I just am not ready for anything not solid and honest and long lasting and that for me, that's with him only right now. I am down right weary of 3 month flings, cheaters (Who pretend to be poly), and people I am not compatible with. I really need a break from poly dating. Whew.

On the plus side it doesn't mean we aren't open to it later, but right now just, timing.

I have requested this non-open doesn't include my best online friend, and person like family, I have known him for almost five years, and his wife for a few months, and even talk to his little kid on skype :) So I very much feel like a part of their family, even if virtually. They are awesome people. The reason its unclear with this guy is because he is in love with me, and I am platonic with him, but I still feel that falls under the open category because of his feelings for him and him voicing them. :)

I also reached out to ria on friday night, sorta successful, I got her email and mailing her this week.

I had rocky over last night and he has been really grateful for my support and enthusiastically showed that by giving me a full body massage (mostly back and shoulders) and head massage. Then we had sex that night and sex in the morning which was much better. I discussed the subconscious needs bubbling up in our last sex session and why it was the way it was. This was probably hands down the best emotionally connecting sex we have ever had. It was as if with all this talking and working out boundaries and working out what works for us, we have really broke down some big barriers of trust on both sides. I believe I am on my way to trusting him again, and he is on his way to working his shit out and facing it. I Admitted to how afraid I was of actually doing more than just "initially airing our fears" but instead following through with action plan to deal with them. On both sides, and that I had come up with points too that I wanted to address. I was pleased about this and so was he. And he was pleased how strong I am being.

I addressed to LocalOKC that I ccan only be friends. Ball is in his court if he is mature enough to be just friends.
 
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I am doing the SMART acronym for actualising the goals with Rocky.

Specific: the goal with Rocky is for him to air openly, in both written and word his issues regarding having a relationship with me, and mine with him and come to compromises and if compromise is not able to be met on said issues, then we stop having sex, and take 3-6 months apart while I heal from being in a sexual-relationship with him, in order to just be platonic.

Measurable: This is measured by him writing and email in bulletin point fashion of each point he is concerned about, and for me to do the same. I have my email almost ready- I now have four points to address.

Attainable: If Rocky and I had done this at the beginning of the relationship it would have been unattainable as we both are conflict avoidant personalities. The difference is, I went from avoidant to confrontational, at the same time he was going avoidant. Now I have mellowed out into the middle spectrum after swinging from one side to the other, and he is at the confrontational side. I have more skills in sexual relationship conversations, he has more experience in family and friend conversations and we're working on each other areas.

Realistic: I am uncertain if my goal of wanting a relationship with him in conjuction of airing out problems, and resolving them is realistic or what Rocky has in mind. I will need to put a header of the purpose of the email. I know that its unrealistic to want him to date me when he doesn't want to date anyone. But its also unrealistic for him to continue to have sex with me and want me and insist it isn't a real relationship too.

Timed: The email is to be sent before May 19. We discuss at the end of May 31st/June1st.

The timing for this is important as it gets my Access course out of the way, and it gets his 4 week business plan issues out of the way with his father that he is doing in the month of april.

As far as other things go. I heard back from LocalOKC and he agreed to be just friends.

I am still working on the email for Ria.

Education continues to go well.

I had a really nice Easter weekend. I went to the spa/gym and spent a good part of the day there doing circuits, gym work, pilates, swimming and using all the spa treatments. I am definitely getting my monthly pay out of it! And I am feeling really grateful for being able to workout and move and be happy. I really have fallen in love with exercise and moving my body. I measured and weighed myself after the 2 months of mild depression after my job ended and the friend died etc. I have gone back quite a bit in my progress, but not as far as the beginning, so I set myself a SMART goal there, and made a progress chart in my room, both putting on there where I started and my goal. My goal is 9.2 stone, 25-28 inch waist. I know I can get there because I was already at 149(10 stone 8) and 28 inch waist. And I started three years ago at 14.0 stone. (200 pounds)
For me to maintain the 149 I need to to do at least 2 hours of exercise per day, with cardio on every day, and weights on 3-4 days a week. I also need to fast one day per week, and maintain my 1200 kcal-1400 kcal.

When I got to 149 last time, In February, My brain hadn't quite caught up with the new me, so I didn't realise I looked and was the way I was...I hadn't bought new clothes or anything, just everything was a bit loose, and I couldn't see the changes the same way. It wasn't yet "normal", and I didn't get there intentionally by just working out, it happened because of the fast pace job (pub work/waitressing) and so I need to attain that goal now intentionally and stay there, while making it my new "normal". Then when I have adjusted to it for a few months, I push myself more to get to 9.2. My goal for 9.2 is by my 31st birthday in september, which is very reasonable. That is 6 months to lose 2 stone. That may be too soon for the last 20ish pounds. We'll see.

Ok speaking of workouts I need to hit the gym and do some cardio :)
 
It has been a month since I posted here.

I felt slowly chipped away as I waited for what Rocky would do about my SMART boundary. I poured myself into studies, I coasted in life with many other things. I tried to find a job, still looking.
I restarted my business and I got my first paid event, for the new branch of business I am opening up outside of the thing I normally do. Yay. This is huge as I put in a lot of effort in 2015 to get business going!

I seem to be on again and off again with interest in my own self and my own life.

I know what it comes down to. I am fundamentally stymied by what to do about Rocky, and it reached a breaking point for me. I couldn't wait any longer. He is coming by on Monday with email to discuss. I feel such relief that I spoke to him today.

I felt like I didn't want to have sex anymore, and that i didn't even really want to be around him because I didn't know where it was going or what was going on and I wanted to take some control back.

I wanted to stop waiting for his decision with me. I wanted to reframe where we make decisions together. I am bringing my own letter. But I waited until he finished the project with his dad he was working on. Which he did, but he's been avoiding me. So I am glad this going through on Monday.

It's scary but its necessary. Why do I keep fighting so hard for something he doesn't want? I am trying to think positively, but no amount of positive thinking will make someone want something they don't want.

I do know I am sick to death of asking: Rocky speak your truth, and him just not knowing what that truth is and so I get answers clear as mud.

When you can't trust someone to know what they want, you can't trust them with you. Right now my trust is running low and I feel heavy with the indecision he is having. And it's my fault for waiting around until he decides instead of making a clear move myself. I also wasn't keeping good boundaries. Clearly non-escalator relationships, secretive relationships, and also FWB are not my thing. I am sorry I tried but I cannot get my head to wrap around it. I like labels, I like security, I like knowing where I stand with someone. I am totally supportive of poly in theory, but the amount of relationship things I have to work towards, towards being in one healthy relationship is too much for me to be considering more than one.

But so far the smart goals are working, and the steps towards resolution are happening. I will know one way or another if we both want to work on this, and I need to decide before then if I want to keep going. If my answer is yes or no?
 
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Sigh. I come to this forum with a heavy heart, but not broken, just grieving.

I decided that I needed more than Rocky could offer. I brought the good and the bad to the table. Logically, in bulletin points, and not in malice or hate. We both knew, deep down in our hearts this wasnt working, and it wasnt going to because he didnt want to commit to me. He needed to go do whatever it is he needed to explore and be out there. Without me.

It came on the perfect day. I went to the hospital. The same one I was at with him when we were first together and I got so sick. They said the last time I was here was because of a vitamin D deficiency no one has tested me for. The ME, the court decision because of it, was two things. 1) A structural problem in my spine that can be fixed with physiotherapy, and 2) A vitmain D deficiency. I dont have m.e. I don't have Elhers Danlos. I do have hyper mobile hands, and I have specific exercises and also splints to wear at night.
I do still have anxiety and PTSD, which I am working on with a therapist. But my god, it was such a joy and a relief to know that I am well. I can work. I can do life.

And I can't believe NO ONE has tested me for this!

I will be filing a court claim soon on malpractice because this has had such an HUGE impact on my life. I will get my girls back, and if not bakc full time at least something to say I am fit and well enough to have them more often. And I should be able to do this with a real man by my side, not a person who keeps me at arms length.

His letter to me mentioned that I didnt incoporate into his friends circle. I said, that wasn't my fault, I cant incoporate when he keeps me away. I hadn't even seen his friends in a whole year and some. So how could that be MY behaviour being hte problem. He agreed and scratched that off.

Eventually we realised even if I was the perfect woman on paper and in person right in front of him, have a kid tomorrow, get married tomorrow that fundamentally it;s HIM that has the issue of commitment, and on that basis there was no point in me fighting.

I did make him promse the next girl he dates he doesnt do what he did to me, and keep her underwraps to make it easier for himself.

All the things he worried about with me, about employment etc. He has no idea ow hard I work. Every day. I am doing access course, I ran a business. I did all this with 5 years of court battles, PTSD/Depression/Anxiety and the accurate diagnosis of Vitamin D deficiency. I did this on my own with kids in a foriegn country. And I am just starting to see the payout now. I have paid of 85% of my debt ON MY OWN. So I don't know what the fuck he is looking for because I am trying as hard as I can to survive. To thrive, to live. And I will keep doing so.

I am in an access course, I am going to Uni. I am sticking at things long term. I even had a man live with me, a strange man live with me for three months, and I was able to do that and overcome my fear of being abused and used- does he have any idea how hard it was for me to do that with PTSD? really? no.

So I walkedo ut with my head held high. I deserve better. I deserve more. He didn't refuse me, I just realised I had an idealised version of him in my head that wasn't reality. The reality is that real men and real relationships work together and work hard with each other. They communicate like I did yesterday, they bring it to the table and they work on their shit and they own it. That's a real relationship. I am begininng to think I didn't even have a real friendship now because he couldn't do that with me.

I do not regret anything though because I also know this was a hell of a step up from my ex husband and ex bf Green. I also learned how to confront men in a relationship and have my voice which ultimately helped me when I told Irishcoffee my boundaries and when I told Trip that what he was doing was cheating and not poly.

I am stronger now than ever befre, he taught me so much and I am in a lot of grief over the loss of what I thought I would have with him. I really wanted to build a life with him, but his actions and words had tld me for a long time he was only going along with me out of pity or something and fuck that. I dont want the friendship if that's what he's got to offer. Maybe one day we'll be friends. But I doubt it. I have lost a lot of respect for him because of this past year. I should have kept my walls up in september. But at least now I know I can move foreward knowing I gave it 200% and I know in the future I will be able to accept a man into my life, not a boy.

Angry sad hurt rant over. I am strong and loveable and I deserve to be accepted into the lives of those who want to call me gf or friend. If they don't want to then they don't belong in my friend circle or life.
 
Tied up loose ends with Rocky.
Blocked him from OKCupid. Deleted the messages. Put away triggery objects, while keeping some as "rocking chair memories". I came to peace with the ones I wasn't willing to put away because I love for different reasons other than him. I still need to mail a piece of artwork and photos to him, he asked to pick them up. I told him not necessary. I don't want the face to face interaction. I won't blow up at him or anything, but I just don't want the stress of it. I don't want to give him a chance to have one last sex session, or one last kiss, or whatever reason he seems to think of for coming around to my house. I told him to chuck my items at his. I dont know if he will, i don't care.
I have stopped texting him.

Unsurprisingly, my desire to over eat and numb myself has completely alleviated now that I have let him go.

I deserve better. I know I do.

I cried my eyeballs out around my last post time. I feel more at peace now.
I won't stagnate like I did last year with him, my holding on to the non-reality of him really stopped me from having deep meaningful connections with others because I only focused on him because I only really wanted him. Which has really put the whole, do I want poly thing in question for me. I know I can feel love simultaneously, and mostly equally if such a thing can exist. But...I am not sure I want to. It's so strange. I went to the other side of the fence and realised, even if I had the time energy money for more than one lover, do I actually want that- and all it entails? I am not sure I do. Right now more than anything I value stability and peace, and I value my alone time oddly. So I am not willing to give up my alone time for anyone, hardly even close friends or hobbies. I have been SO anti social.

Healing I think. I think I have been hibernating and processing all that happened last year, and thinking what to do next.

So I have a coffee date tomorrow with a man. I am excited to meet him but in a peaceful and calm way. I have no expectations. I just want to be around a stranger who knows nothing about me, and slowly slowly i am awakening again and no longer hibernating and healing. I feel more and more vital each day, more able to deal with life, and approach problems.

I feel calm and peaceful with my closure and good about what the future holds. I have been going to the gym again and I had the girls this weekend. I survived before Rocky and I will survive, and thrive, now in the aftermath. Onwards and upwards.
 
How wonderful that things have taken a positive turn for you! Ending things with Rocky might not *feel* positive right now, but from what you're saying, it will turn out that way.

And it's great that they found out what the actual issue is with your health, and it's something so easily treated. It's ridiculous that no one tested you for it in the past, but at least now you can get proper treatment.
 
How wonderful that things have taken a positive turn for you! Ending things with Rocky might not *feel* positive right now, but from what you're saying, it will turn out that way.

And it's great that they found out what the actual issue is with your health, and it's something so easily treated. It's ridiculous that no one tested you for it in the past, but at least now you can get proper treatment.

Hey KC :)
Yes I am working through the grief which has been tough and also not reaching out to him. That's also been tough.

Yes, I see the doctor on friday to 100% confirm, but the rheumatologist seemed pretty convinced and sure of it. I will trust an expert. I will also be doing physio on my back this month..eep

So anyway, I have had one "sex date" with a random guy. It wasn't for any other purpose than the day before my period was due to start, and I wasn't interested in dating him. He became enamored with me. I swear, if I get one more creepy dude saying I am the love of their life after JUST meeting them I will pull my hair out! It;s WEIRD what's up with guys? And why do the wrong ones think that about me? UGH!

So the sex date was great though other wise :D The sex was good, he company OK, and I went home feeling like although not an experience I want to repeat with him, that it wasn't particularly bad. For better or worse I need regular sex, in the future I'd like to find someone who I trust more initially.

Then I spoke to someone on OKC with two people the other day, again with more controlling / desperate clingy men. Icky. Block and delete.
A third asked me for coffee after a phone conversation. I told him I wasn't available until after the 19th. (The end of my course.)

I was kinda put off because he's very heavily into BDSM as a sub, which wouldn't be a problem if we were poly, but he's not interested in poly, and I am not sure I can be a domme to anyone. I mean I have aspects of having done very light stuff in the past. But I think I am more switch, and more vanilla. After my last foray into bdsm world and it triggering me, I don't really want to go there again. So I think that's a fail. Plus I have been having this weird phenomena recently where I have a conversation with a man, and basically I listen and let them reveal themselves by asking questions and listening to their answers. This man works for the UN, which is awesome, on the surface, but he was driven to tell me from the minute he met that I should be a police woman. I was like...wtf? I very firm said hell no that isnt ever happening. I dont have any problems with police officers FYI, just ME being one. I hate guns and have a huge fear of sharp objects, violence, and I am not exactly physical in my life except the gym. I do zen like practices. I am a lover not a fighter.

What was weird was in both cases of the men I have talked to recently seem to not want a real woman, they want an ideal in their head. UGH. These men had bigger lists for what they want for women than most women do about men. The one I talked to last night actually said that, saying I have this list of a woman and you fit all the boxes. And I thought to myself, no you THINK I fit the boxes but I am not sure about the BDSM one. I think that' s a no go, also the controlling thing would bother me. For someone subby in bed he's very controlling otherwise. He just wouldn't let it go about the police thing ??? And even said over out hour conversation, I will keep bringing this up. I was like..um NO.

Certainly interesting that when he said he was only monogamous I kinda shut down, I was like..never have that again? It was a weird reaction for myself when I thought I didn't want it anymore. Maybe I do enjoy poly still. Just can't seem to find the right person/people.

Also this man wants kids, and just because I agreed A child with rocky doesn't mean my uterus is open for business for anyone else. So coffee date will be rescheduled. I can't be dealing with this I got my education, my passport and uk residency stuff to sort out, kids stuff to sort out, finding a job (possibly an apprenticeship) to sort out, and therapy/exercise (Physio and pilates) to do. I can do this.

I got a new person staying with me, ironically an ex undercover cop. He's awesome and I feel right at home with him in my house like we've always known each other :) We even like chilling and watching tv in the evening. I am making him and me some leek and potato soup this evening. He kind of reminds me of my step dad..or an older brother figure. I feel very safe in my home with him, zero of the triggers I experienced with the last person is happening here now. Yay.
 
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Still grieving. Still taking it one day at a time.

Landlord is selling property so I am moving end of August beginning of September.

Met up with some lovely people in kids city, and will be moving out to be in that city with them, it is both sad and nessecary. I at least broke the record of living somewhere longer than four years though, now five years in the current city I am at. Yay.

I miss rocky like crazy. Reached out to Ria, were meeting up next week. We agreed to still be friends, truthfully I never stopped, I just set healthy boundaries. So that's progress. Reached out to Irish coffee, whose ironically moved already close-ish to the place I will be moving to.

Without the rocky constantly harping on how I should be, I have been free to be me, which is wonderful and relaxing, I have spent the past month finishing finals. That's all done now. And I am now working on my driving license in uk. That is no small feat compared to USA one. It will set me back around 1grand and I have to unlearn all American habits to relearn uk ones, and drive on opposite side of car, and learn stick shift for first time, and do this with mild dyslexia. Yay.

I have been on anti depressants for a month, I think it's working. I went kind of into shut down, play games all the time, mode, for a bit there. I still am struggling to fill my hours of my day with useful stuff.

I miss rocky terribly. But life will move on, it's shocking how small my social circle ended up being at the end of the relationship with him, by the end I was down to mostly just him. I am not saying that's his fault, but I do think it's an interesting correlation on my mental health perhaps. And when the chips are down with me, he bolts. It does reflect his usual pattern, I think I am ready to really not ever go back. I certainly don't want people in my life who keep bolting. Ugh. Same pattern as both my mom and dad.
 
Still in therapy, still on medication. Starting to turn a corner now though. :)

I went on a three hour bike ride on sunday, I wrote up my contract for the client in august. I am meeting a friend today for coffee, and Ria tonight for dancing. I am socialising again instead of in that whole month of grieving Rocky. Still managed no contact. Go me!

The cincher was the acquaintance I met last year on the London Eye, he came back over this week to London. Well...last year I remember us staying out all day after meeting up, into the wee hours then going home happy to be meeting new people. He was from canada, so I'll call him CanadianMan, or CM for this story.

Anyway, he reached out saying he was coming out, a couple month ago. I offered to host him, but then he didn't get back in touch, then when he did he said he was engaged to be married and was getting married as soon as his trip over. I was kinda like, so, what you cant stay at my house platonically because of this?? So he didn't get back in touch, except right before flying over, then when he was here he still didn't actually ask: Do you want to meet up, he just kept sending me pictures of what he was doing in london. Finally in exasperation I said, why are you sending me pics, are you wanting to meet up or not? He said sure, lets meet up, and I said ok, and we agreed a time and place. Last minute I decided not to go because I realised the reason he hadn't asked. Surely it must be because he didn't let his fiance know about me, and didn't want to reach out to me, because obviously for him it wasn't platonic. If it was it wouldn't be an issue staying at mine, messaging me and actually calling me ad being like hey lets me up. The only reason it isn't is if I am a secret.

The irony that this was the same man a year ago I talked about rocky, and he had told me then I deserved better, yet he was doing the same thing to me after a fashion was just annoying. I realised this because he had a working phone, with whatsapp and didn't ever message me on it before, only FB. Which he could probably screen from fiance right. Anyway.
I was so glad I honoured my inner voice that said don't go. I dont need men in my life right now, not until I get in a healthier place.

So there it is. That's my story about CM, him, and Rocky both won't be having one more minute of my time, and one more minute of my naivete. I will move on and move forward.
 
Between my continued therapy, and my CBT on a website, AND medication, I am starting to feel like doing things again other than playing games. I realised it needed to stop when I started playing a sandbox game and realised I hated it because I prefer to "level up" or "craft" my own skills in life..and have been doing that most of my life. So online interactions with creating virtual skills just aren't the same and pale in comparison. Don't get me wrong, I love games for the chill out factor. So things like rpgs with story that i just enjoy the story, and can dip in and out. Solo stuff mostly. I particularly like civilisation 5. It's fun to explore and find different methods to win.

Plus that game reminded me too much of being a WoW addict. I never ever want to go back to that place. I avoid mmo's of those types, except FB ones only because they are light (Candy crush for example).

Anyway...

I have news on ria front but will update that later.
Getting things ready to move. A bit sad still that I have to leave my lovely home, but I also know its necessary.

I ahve been doing some summer projects around the house, deep cleaning, painting walls, etc. It's going well.
1 week to my theory test for driving, then driving lessons. It's all going to be picking up here soon.
 
Wrote this whole post. Deleted because so much anger. I just can't write that anger for it to be listed forever. I want more than that. I want to move past it, through it, beyond it to the place of peace and happiness.
 
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I am going to take some time off the boards. I am in the middle of really intense therapy and I need to figure me out outside of the noise of reading about lives I wish I were living. Sometimes I feel like coming here is a salve to my lonely heart wishing I had a family the way many of you have intentionally created. The only way to have that kind of love in my life, is to love myself truly, so therapy is the way I am doing that. So no more lurking or poly forum for me for a bit. I need to go live my life, instead of living vicariously through all the lovely peoples here. I feel so lost. When I find myself I will return.
 
I wish you a fruitful journey in therapy and will miss your posts.

Leetah
 
Thank you for your kind wishes both of you.

:)

I am able to write again. The summer went by so fast. Eventually I joined an online game, (wow) and started integrating it into me. Last time I payed wow I was an addict and it represented a very angry and miserable part of my life. But my therapist has been encouraging me to accept myself and do things I like to do.

So I did. I kind of went in deep end, and even my posts here have a bit of self loathing of being a gamer. But ultimately I have always been a gamer. I used to play hours with my brother on Atari, then Nintendo original, (duck hunt anyone?) then, Sega and gameboys...right up to play stations and computer games. I realised I have quite a lot of knowledge and love for this that I have been hiding and angry about for many many many years.

I also had some resolution on th rocky thing that makes me feel pretty good
I went away last weekend for 4 days. I have been helping run a guild online and getting some socialising but I prefer in person than online but it is what it is.

I saw Irishcoffee and met all his housemates. They are good people. :) we played cards against humanity, and they play minecraft on seperate servers so I may join them sometime. After my birthday and seeing my girls, and visiting with friends, which all went really well, I came back home to find rocky on my doorstep.

At ten pm at night the day after my birthday when I hadn't seen him in person in almost 6 months, maybe more. March? April? I had grieved so hard during this time, and wasn't eager to see him.

He had come for his painting I hadn't sent in mail. I did to him I'd mail it but I was petulantly not sending it because I was angry and because I didn t want to think about him, so it sat in my studio at the back, tucked away and hidden.

I didn't invite him in. He was angry at a text I had sent that called him a bastard for treating me the way he did. He basically said in space of one week that I was his family, his life, wanted me in his life for rest of his life, to cutting me out completely. For no real reason either, so yeah he went exactly on my happy list. Also, since it was the day after my bday I found this very odd he'd show up in middle of night for a painting. Did he think I'd give in? That I would what. Forgive him my now fourth time burnt broken heart and be like, hey go break it again. Fuck that.

I was friendly but reserved. We went on a walk. Oddly there was still chemistry between us, but I had control now, no more would I sacrifice my pride for sex, for hope with him.

We talked a bout life, I kept appropriate boundaries, 15 minutes later he left. And such relief I felt I cannot explain.

I suppose it a,so helped that while away in West Country I became intimate again with Irishcoffee in a warm friends with extra way. And I have been actively resolving things with Ria. Both of them are stopping by in October, for Irishcoffee birthday! I can't wait. :):)

I haven't seen Ria in many. Months and I miss her friendship, I was a coward not getting back sooner to her and working things out. I am so glad we are on the process of making amends.

I stopped therapy for a bit as I am saving money to help my brother come over from America and try and live in uk. He has had some health problems and recently contacted me saying he'd get a a large settlement and wanted to try living out here with me. I said sure. This alone in last month cheered me up and gave me hope. We have been speaking once a week working out logistics.

As for dating, I am not on OKC atm, the WoW community gives me plent of oportunites to talk to men and I have narrowed it down to two potentials. One I am very excited about. I haven't give him a name yet, but he is Norwegian, and a bit younger than me, but very wise, and soooo eager to learn about poly. Very accepting patient and open minded. We are texting and talking each other's legs off right now, even did my first proper phone sex ever. Whoa that was so hot. In. Very unusual turn for me, I shared my blog with him here and th poly forums as well. I said it was ok to write about him, and he may even join himself, he said he was very interested in learning more.

We both help run the same guild to some extent, and today, I am finishing a clients painting, that I did in summer. I have been putting off life with my depression all summer, just in deep grief over rocky I can see now. And I am so relieved I am on a turning point past him. Of all the people last year at my bday I would have banked on rocky being here for my next ones. How deluded I was. I am sure you all saw it reading it, but I couldn't get my actions to line up with my boundaries, I had weak boundaries.

I am working on those. Like KC says, sometimes I feel like I don't human well. This summer was an example of that. I barely functioned. But I made it through. :)
 
Making it through is what counts! I'm glad you feel you are making progress, don't be down on yourself for doing the best you could at the time.

Leetah
 
Thank you Leetah and Opalescent for your support in the forums here :)
Yes I am doing my best not to be hard on myself when I am down. I'm finally coming to the place I accept that I may never "be cured" of my PTSD, but I can definitely manage it better, little bit by little bit over my entire life time.

I didn't finish the painting yet, but I started cleaning my house from top to bottom, and i'm sleeping in regular healthy hours again. Having a sense of community helps, seeing friends helps, next month I see Irishcoffee three times in a row! I also have the first potential coming out to visit me. We have moved onto skyping, and phone calls. It doesn't feel quick, though objectively it looks so. It just feels easy and natural and we laugh a lot. I ask a lot of the right questions, and I feel we are honest on same level. I am content with life right now. :)

Polyday next month, then seeing girls, so much to do!
 
Nt

So,

I am pleased to say that I had my first honest talk to two men I liked it's each other present, about potential relationship status.

I started playing wow and being part of this guild two months ago. Of the potential men I found two whom I liked rather quickly. This became a little awkward as they both knew about my poly, got on relatively well, but I coudont financially, emotionally or mentally take two partners at same time to real world level and meet. So we all sat on voice together discussing it. I would have preferred in person or Skype but needs must.

Both men handled it really well, and my reasons also were that in my blog in the past I started new things (or restarted) with two people at once and it never went down well. Soooo...also my NRE for 1 was eclipsing the other and it was obvious as we hang out in the same community with each other.

I happen to love helping all the other boys on there, and a few other great gals. I started an anxiety support group too, that I am figuring out how to run and set up. A lot of these guys, especially the younger ones, have no one to talk to about the feels, or even a lot of interpersonal social skills practice. The rest are older and mature and seem to have a good handle on life but there a gap for others.

In my case I feel like loving a part of myself has helped me figure out where I fit in the larger puzzle that is me, and all the cool people in my life.

It also has tapered down from every second every day, to just evenings. And I no longer feel a need to be there now thst in my mind it's not taboo. And I also got my need for more socialising out there.

So the Norwegian man. Still no name yet, but I'll figure on out. There's time.
So I don't believe in one true love, however I believe in people more compatible with you than others for sure, and some people who just mesh so well in your life there's no niggling doubts or worries. Someone you can speak to openly and honestly, who is patient and kind, and who just gets the various things about you on many levels.

Flynn is like this. He has a wonderful sense of humour, and I connect emotionally and mentally with him on a level that is very similar to Rocky, only better because he accepts the PTSD and kids situation side of me that Rocky couldn't. We have been talking now roughly 2 months, the first month and a half as aquantances moving into friends. It didn't erupt into romantic feelings until we had a late night chat once that revealed personal things and that those things, and the inner work we had done, made us very compatible. Our respect for each other grew.

We also have quite similar libido drive, similar goals about money, lifestyle, friends, and most impressive part is our communication. He never dismisses me or trying to talk me out of confronting things healthily. We both have been overweight and lost a lot of weight, we both are into healthy lifestyle now after years of being perceived one way. We both have been to our own therapies, and had hardships but not become bitter. I feel so able to talk to him about anything and not be judged, and vice versa. We are very excited to meet in October and the prevailing gut feeling is peaceful. I qm learning to trust myself and my gut, I know I am still most likely emotionally vulnerable from Rocky, but I also feel very right about this move. The same feeling I had when I chose to move to England. It felt right in my entire being, not many decisions in my life have had that reaction for me.

Here's to an amazing 2016/2017. If nothin else comes from Flynn, the confidence it's self would have been worth it.
 
Note to self:
Be careful what you wish for, it may just happen. :)

The new guy I am very very keen on is now interested in a long term FWB. Firs time I have encountered someone I like, who likes someone else while with me, besides Trip - not that I haven't been around a lot of poly-esque situations but this is one of the few times I got to sit with possible jealousy and feels and work through them.

The note to my self here is that I didn't feel jealousy.

I also am worried about him and hope he can feel peace in liking us both. This is new for him I know what its like to feel confused and conflicted while trying to go against everything in the world that says liking two people is wrong. Its ok. It's all ok. Now its just practical stuff to sort out.

Guess my post was more about him than me, but I had a good giggle about it thinking, if there is a God, then he has a wonderful sense of irony. I am also chuffed that I can and do meet kind and good people who I can talk to in this way. Good communication skills on both sides happening here :)
 
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