Thank you for your kind wishes both of you.
I am able to write again. The summer went by so fast. Eventually I joined an online game, (wow) and started integrating it into me. Last time I payed wow I was an addict and it represented a very angry and miserable part of my life. But my therapist has been encouraging me to accept myself and do things I like to do.
So I did. I kind of went in deep end, and even my posts here have a bit of self loathing of being a gamer. But ultimately I have always been a gamer. I used to play hours with my brother on Atari, then Nintendo original, (duck hunt anyone?) then, Sega and gameboys...right up to play stations and computer games. I realised I have quite a lot of knowledge and love for this that I have been hiding and angry about for many many many years.
I also had some resolution on th rocky thing that makes me feel pretty good
I went away last weekend for 4 days. I have been helping run a guild online and getting some socialising but I prefer in person than online but it is what it is.
I saw Irishcoffee and met all his housemates. They are good people.
we played cards against humanity, and they play minecraft on seperate servers so I may join them sometime. After my birthday and seeing my girls, and visiting with friends, which all went really well, I came back home to find rocky on my doorstep.
At ten pm at night the day after my birthday when I hadn't seen him in person in almost 6 months, maybe more. March? April? I had grieved so hard during this time, and wasn't eager to see him.
He had come for his painting I hadn't sent in mail. I did to him I'd mail it but I was petulantly not sending it because I was angry and because I didn t want to think about him, so it sat in my studio at the back, tucked away and hidden.
I didn't invite him in. He was angry at a text I had sent that called him a bastard for treating me the way he did. He basically said in space of one week that I was his family, his life, wanted me in his life for rest of his life, to cutting me out completely. For no real reason either, so yeah he went exactly on my happy list. Also, since it was the day after my bday I found this very odd he'd show up in middle of night for a painting. Did he think I'd give in? That I would what. Forgive him my now fourth time burnt broken heart and be like, hey go break it again. Fuck that.
I was friendly but reserved. We went on a walk. Oddly there was still chemistry between us, but I had control now, no more would I sacrifice my pride for sex, for hope with him.
We talked a bout life, I kept appropriate boundaries, 15 minutes later he left. And such relief I felt I cannot explain.
I suppose it a,so helped that while away in West Country I became intimate again with Irishcoffee in a warm friends with extra way. And I have been actively resolving things with Ria. Both of them are stopping by in October, for Irishcoffee birthday! I can't wait.
I haven't seen Ria in many. Months and I miss her friendship, I was a coward not getting back sooner to her and working things out. I am so glad we are on the process of making amends.
I stopped therapy for a bit as I am saving money to help my brother come over from America and try and live in uk. He has had some health problems and recently contacted me saying he'd get a a large settlement and wanted to try living out here with me. I said sure. This alone in last month cheered me up and gave me hope. We have been speaking once a week working out logistics.
As for dating, I am not on OKC atm, the WoW community gives me plent of oportunites to talk to men and I have narrowed it down to two potentials. One I am very excited about. I haven't give him a name yet, but he is Norwegian, and a bit younger than me, but very wise, and soooo eager to learn about poly. Very accepting patient and open minded. We are texting and talking each other's legs off right now, even did my first proper phone sex ever. Whoa that was so hot. In. Very unusual turn for me, I shared my blog with him here and th poly forums as well. I said it was ok to write about him, and he may even join himself, he said he was very interested in learning more.
We both help run the same guild to some extent, and today, I am finishing a clients painting, that I did in summer. I have been putting off life with my depression all summer, just in deep grief over rocky I can see now. And I am so relieved I am on a turning point past him. Of all the people last year at my bday I would have banked on rocky being here for my next ones. How deluded I was. I am sure you all saw it reading it, but I couldn't get my actions to line up with my boundaries, I had weak boundaries.
I am working on those. Like KC says, sometimes I feel like I don't human well. This summer was an example of that. I barely functioned. But I made it through.