Feeling really weepy and whiny today. Hormones. Or lack thereof. It's the placebo week of pills that rolls around every 3 months. I can't even call it a period because it isn't one, it's just a week of spotting and estrogen withdrawal, and I only bother with it because I drop 4 lbs of water weight. Vanity knows no limits
WORM: Anything less than til death do us part is a failure
Also known as Love Never Dies!!!
Breaking up is bad, and breaking up with someone makes you a bad person. Once you commit to someone, you don't give up on them, or the relationship. If you do, you deserve to be miserable and unhappy forever as punishment.
I don't even know where to start with this one. Every time I try to isolate this program I get sidetracked. It bumps up against so many other worms and then kind of gets lost in the shuffle, but it's there.
One of the confusing things is that I AM proud of how Andy and I have made our relationship last, and I DO hope our marriage lasts the rest of our lives. So when I try to remind myself, hey, that doesn't mean ALL romantic relationships have to endure forever, I get tripped up on "double standard" and "couple privilege" and such.
The other problem is that telling myself, it's ok to end relationships!, usually leads me down the path of analyzing WHY they ended. And then I start trying to problem solve how I could have avoided those breakups, which is, like, the exact opposite of accepting that breakups are ok. Ugh.
So, I am working on kind of... Separating the "never give up on love!!" mentality from the other stuff. Yes, it's worth thinking about why I see my marriage so differently from other relationships. Yes, it's worth understanding why I struggle with the end of NRE and the lack of the relationship escalator. But those are separate issues.
This breakup worm is really just a whole shitload of unnecessary guilt and misery. I am STILL feeling guilt over breaking up with Dag. And I'm letting that guilt keep me from being happy. Voice in my head saying, you threw away a perfectly good relationship, you don't deserve another one. And, you hurt someone, so you deserve to hurt, too.
I'm trying to talk back to it. It's hard though.