Coming out as poly to someone you've recently met and really like

orangesf69

New member
This question is not about coming out to partners or friends or family, but about coming out to people you've recently met that you want to get to know better and eventually tell them that you're poly.

I am a bi male going out with a (self-identified) queer, genderfluid male partner. We've been together three years. A couple months ago we decided to open our relationship. We've made it clear that we are the primary relationship.

It occurred to me recently that when you meet someone online, they know as much about you as what you've placed in your profile. That makes things easy because if your profile says you're poly and they decide to meet you, you're already out to them as poly.

That's not true in the real world, where people make honest assumptions based on their superficial reading of you and what you choose to tell them when the time is right. So when is the "right time" to tell a special someone you've recently met that you're poly? Similarly, when is the right time to refer to your primary partner (when talking to this special someone) as your "partner" or "boyfriend" rather than more neutrally as a "friend"?

Say I meet a single gay guy who's really cute. He likes me too. I want to get in his pants and I'm pretty sure he wants to get in mine. I want this infatuation to evolve into something more meaningful down the road, and maybe he does too. He assumes I'm single. (I'm not wearing a ring, nor am I wearing a "Poly and Proud" T-shirt.) I don't want to lead him on but I also don't want to refer to "my boyfriend/partner" too soon either — right? I mean, we're just talking about movies and books we like.

I suppose if he were to come over and see "The Ethical Slut" lying on my coffee table, that would cut to the chase. Beyond that, though, at what point do I bring this up: During the first casual meeting over drinks? During the second casual meeting over drinks? After the first peck on the cheeks? After the first passionate kiss? After the first sexual encounter/sleepover? After the second sexual encounter/sleepover?

In addition, how do I bring this topic up?

("So... sex last night sure was amazing! You know, there's something I've been meaning to tell you — and, no, it doesn't have anything to do with STDs...")
 
I always tell people by the end of the first date. Engaging further when poly may be a deal breaker for them seems dishonest and a waste of everyone's time.
 
When and how did you find out your new acquaintance is single? That seems like one natural point at which to share relationship structure/status info about you.

Otherwise I would think you’d explain your primary’s place in your life as soon as this looks to be a potential sexual/romantic relationship. If you’re getting to know this person in order to develop an intimate relationship, be practically and kindly honest about your availability before anyone invests time and emotion based on misunderstanding or assumption.

I tend to approach new people as friends first, though, and we talk about who we are, how we live, what we like. They know about my obligations and important relationships (and I theirs) long before anything especially intimate could be assumed. If I’m interested in more than casual friendship, even just close friendship — for instance, if we’re scheduling meet-ups for just the two of us — then there’s some conversation about relationship styles in general and the potential characteristics of our specific relationship.
 
When we first got together, my newly-ex partner dropped the bomb on me that he was involved with a FWB (a mutual friend) after two months of flirtatious texting and mere days after we had declared feelings for each other. Not only this, but I found out right after these two had just spent a week together.

This is NOT the way to do it, need I say. He had had ample opportunity to mention this other involvement in the lead-up to this.

In my opinion, if you KNOW you're non-monogamous or poly, it's best to state this as simply as possible on a first date (or for long distance relationships, after it's clear you're both interested in pursuing something).

You could say something like, "I think it's only fair to tell you I don't strictly believe in/adhere to monogamy", and let the person you're interested in ask the logical question, "Are you currently involved with anyone else, or do you intend to be?" then let them weigh your answer and decide if they want to bow out at that stage or if they're willing to move ahead.
 
For me there is no such thing as "too soon". Why would you want to get laid under false pretenses? Maybe if you are just hooking up for a one nighter, then it probably wouldn't matter.
 
Hello orangesf69,

I tend to think it's best to come out to your new dating partner, sometime during your first three dates with them. Before having sex with them. As to how to bring it up: short, direct, and simple. "I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Then answer any questions they may have. Also say, "I have a partner, and we are in an open relationship." And the new person may decide they don't want to date you anymore. That doesn't mean you said anything wrong. It's just their preference. All the more reason to bring up the subject early on, so it doesn't turn into a painful breakup.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I tell them when setting up the first date.
 
Tell Them Right Away.

Seriously. Some monogamous people are outright offended by the idea of polyamory. Also, be wary of those who would lie to get their hooks into you (that recently happened to me). Make sure they understand that this is how you are living, and go from there. They'll either accept it or bail. Either way, you've gotten something major on the table so that no one's time is wasted if that isn't what that person is looking for.
 
Well... :(... yeah, ASAP is probably best.

I can't speak from experience. I've never gotten intimate (sexually or emotionally) with someone who wasn't aware of my nonmon status; the clear majority were themselves actively nonmon when we met. (FWIW: I don't "drop the bomb" on everyone I hang out with who might possibly, someday become an intimate friend. That'd just be a LOT of purposeless fishing.)

To delay informing them seems to be intended to weasel "emotional buy-in," so that when the bomb is dropped they're a little more reluctant to run. YMMV but to me that would be intentional dishonesty, certainly NOT something I'd want to have as the basis for a relationship.
 
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