New and looking for resources/support

Bunny784

New member
Hello,

I live kind of in the middle of nowhere, North of Los Angeles. My husband and I have had an open relationship for many years, started with don't ask don't tell, moved to swinging and I have now abruptly found myself in a polyamorous relationship, which I am struggling with. Without having friends or such to talk to I have really struggled with the changes in our relationship. I am in the process of going through all the usual resources, reading books, got a new therapist, etc. This week's agenda includes re-reading Opening Up, among other things. So any tips and support is much appreciated.

I am looking for local people, our closest Meetup is about 2 hours away, on a good day, which is kind if unrealistic. Does anyone have experience or tips/pointers in starting a group in a pretty conservative, smallish, area?

All help and encouragement is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Bunny
 
Greetings Bunny784,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Can you describe your situation in a bit more detail? What makes it polyamorous? Is it someone you are seeing, or someone your husband is seeing? What part/s of it are you struggling with? Your answers will help me to determine what kind of advice to give. Of course, lots of work on communication is always a good idea, so I can tell you that.

Hopefully I can be of some help,
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Detail

Hi,

My husband has a girlfriend. In about 5 weeks time, he met her, started talking online every night for hours, and then he flew her to our state, where she stayed at our house for 5 days. I had already planned to be out of town for part of that, but it was hard for me. I have issues with the intimacy part. This other woman has become a really important part of his life very quickly. Even though I have communicated I am not ready, I feel insecure, and I am not really on board, it moved so quickly that now we are in this. As I communicated I was uncomfortable and did not want him to go through with the visit, I felt pushed to the side, unheard, and ignored. Even though he new this was causing me pain and contributing to a deepening depression, he did it anyway and continues to do so. I am fine with swinging, the open relationship part, etc., It keeps things interesting. But this has now gone to a new level, which I struggle with. In my mind, my husband is choosing to cause me pain inorder to meet his needs. Ironically, I am a mental health professional. I know this is not a completely logically line of thought, but it is how I am feeling now. I want him to be happy, of course, but right now, I am struggling with a pretty deep depression and feeling unheard is not helping. I do not have any local friends to talk to. And although I know my husband loves me, he does not have very good active listening, has a tendency to tell me how he thinks I feel, and tells me I am being illogical.

On top of all that we experienced multiple deaths in our life the same month he met this other girl. Before he met her, he was dealing with some of his own bullshit and kind of pushing me away. Then he met this girl online, had some serious NRE, and was like a different person. So it has been a lot to handle and I am trying to figure out how to cope with all of it without destroying my marriage.

Hopefully that is not too much detail...
 
Lots of "no" here.

For starters, you are NOT "part of a polyamorous relationship."

Your husband has decided to leap into something, despite
I have communicated I am not ready, I feel insecure, and I am not really on board

I felt pushed to the side, unheard, and ignored.

he has a tendency to tell me how he thinks I feel, and tells me I am being illogical.
There is nothing "poly" about being a self-interested dick.

Even if he WERE acting in a poyamorous fashion, being involved with him DOES NOT make YOU "poly."

I am trying to figure out how to cope with all of it without destroying my marriage.
Here's the poser: at what point is he going to demonstrate any such concern?
 
Hi Bunny,

Thanks for your follow-up post, it gave me much more of an idea of what's going on.

It sounds like your husband has gotten all caught up in NRE, and thus become oblivious to your wants and needs. I am wondering if he would be willing to compromise, if he doesn't want to break up with this girlfriend, maybe he would be willing to slow down a little in that relationship, so as to give you some time to adjust. Having her stay at your house is probably a bad idea, at least right now.

How are you coping with those recent multiple deaths? Are you in the process of grieving? Is your husband still pushing you away? The bullshit he was dealing with, was it related to the deaths? Is he still dealing with that?

I hope I'm not asking too many questions, I just want to get an even better understanding so I can help more.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry this is happening.

But this has now gone to a new level, which I struggle with. In my mind, my husband is choosing to cause me pain inorder to meet his needs.

Well... he IS choosing to cause you pain rather than slow down so BOTH his needs and yours can be met in a more balanced way.

He's taking you for granted/ignoring you and the shared marriage in favor of chasing the new shiny. And going WAY too fast with it.

Is he using this new relationship to avoid dealing with the deaths in the family and other stuff? Like some people would use booze to self medicate... he's flinging himself into this?

I know this is not a completely logically line of thought, but it is how I am feeling now.

Bad enough he does it. Why are YOU trying to talk down to yourself or talk you out of your own thoughts/feelings? :confused:

If you are there watching him do these things? You know it because you SEE IT and EXPERIENCE IT. That is not you thinking illogically. That is you HAVING IT HAPPEN TO YOU.


And although I know my husband loves me, he does not have very good active listening, has a tendency to tell me how he thinks I feel, and tells me I am being illogical.

That behavior doesn't compute for me as "loving behavior towards me." That behavior sounds more "regular put downs" or "bullying" to me. :(

I am trying to figure out how to cope with all of it without destroying my marriage.

You are not destroying your marriage by voicing your concerns.

I suggest you figure out how to do your self care first. What do you need to put your own oxygen mask on first? Some sleep? Some time away from this? What?

And then ask yourself/husband if his behavior lately...

  • Talking online for hours every night (possibly neglecting family life/couple time/chores?)
  • Not listening/ignoring your concerns and plunging on anyway
  • spending (shared household money?) to fly his GF in to stay at your house rather than in a hotel
  • Telling you how he thinks you feel rather than letting you tell it
  • Telling you that you are not logical when you bring up concerns

is helping the marriage relationship thrive or withering it?

Then ask for changes in behavior. If changes are not possible/not happening?

You may have to focus on just the front part of this:
I am trying to figure out how to cope with all of it without destroying my marriage.

You might have to cope by leaving poor behaviors and getting away from the wacky so in time you can feel better rather than dinged all the time. Because maintaining a marriage is a two people job. You cannot hold both ends of the marriage stick. If he's no longer holding up his side? You don't have a shared marriage any more. It might be circling the drain. :(

I really hope not, for your sake. :(

You seem to want to try to work things out. Yet that takes both spouses wanting that.

Galagirl
 
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Replying to Kevin

Hi Kevin,

He was having some issues with work when this all started. We had two friends, one only 27, both dying and somewhere between the work thing and the first two deaths he met his GF online. This is not a coping mechanism so much as getting super wrapped up in NRE. He has had long term FWB in the past, it always irked me a little. The relationships have gotten more intense over time, this one is the most intense. He talked to her for about two weeks and then asked if she could come visit in a month for a long weekend. My reply was, "I am not comfortable with it, but it's going to happen anyway, do what you want." This of course is very passive aggressive and was wrong of me to say. He took it as a green light. Then a 5 day stay was cheaper flight than a 3 day stay so he just booked it. They opted to not get a hotel to save money, but I got a hotel one night and asked him to get a hotel the last night, but his grandpa died and he was upset and wanted my support. So, trouper I am, we all went to lunch and played super awkward board games until I could justify going to bed.

I tried to pull power of veto, something I realize all new couples try, he declined. I asked him to take a break from talking to her for two weeks, he agreed to it, but then didn't do it and the next day said it would update really hurt her feelings and he would rather just keep the conversation limited and short. She is a person too, I get that, I want to respect her as a person, but I have a problem with this. Before she came I told my husband I didn't want her to come and I was thinking about a divorce. Since I said I was only thinking about it, but not planning to do it, he proceeded with the visit. And we keep have that conversation, he would do anything to keep me, but doesn't want to drop the gf.

So, I am stuck. He honestly does not see anything wrong with his behavior, it is partially actual cluelessness and part selfishness. Which makes me question if I want to be with him more. I don't know.

I feel like I am just emotionally dumping in a forum...
 
I feel like I am just emotionally dumping in a forum...

I hope you feel a bit better for airing out. It sounds like you needed it.

Before she came I told my husband I didn't want her to come and I was thinking about a divorce. Since I said I was only thinking about it, but not planning to do it, he proceeded with the visit. And we keep have that conversation, he would do anything to keep me, but doesn't want to drop the gf.

Is it in case you divorce him? He's anxious to "secure" the "back up" person in case you DO divorce him? I guess it is neither here nor there.

It sounds like there were enough problems before she showed up that you were thinking about divorce.

But if it makes it easier for you to bow out and divorce if he's occupied with her it might be time to think about it again and go file at the court house. So changes happen and you can get some relief from this:

He honestly does not see anything wrong with his behavior, it is partially actual cluelessness and part selfishness. Which makes me question if I want to be with him more
.

It's fair to question if you still want to be with him if he behaves this way. You are not stuck though. You can eventually decide. I can understand feeling torn -- choosing to divorce is not a decision to undergo lightly. At the same time? Life is not a dress rehearsal. If you keep ending up at this place over and over... the place of thinking about divorce?

That could tell you something.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Bunny,

I am also new to poly and in a similar position to yours, so I fully sympathise. My partner has formed an intimate attachment with another woman during the past few months and it's been a very painful experience. I've also gone through phases of not wanting to be with him, feeling utterly thrown under the bus for having my protests ignored while he and his girlfriend began strengthening their relationship, and so on, so this is pretty familiar. From what people share in their stories, this is not unusual when someone is caught in NRE. The damage done during that time can be lasting, though, and sooner or later will have to be addressed.

I don't have much experience but I'd like to share a few things that helped me through this so far:

Esthel Perel's The State of Affairs. It's not about polyamory, but I found it very helpful. Starting with the premise that cheating is not so much about sex and lies but about betrayal, it actually matches a situation like this (being ignored, sidelined, hurt). What I liked about it is that it approaches the issue in a very non-judgemental, non-prescriptive way; from the betrayed's point of view, from the adulterer's, from the other person's. From it I learned, for example, that it is fairly common for people who have been shaken by life-changing experiences (death, illness, job loss) to fall recklessly into a new relationship. It's as though it's an antidote to the fear of mortality. People are not deliberately being selfish dicks, even when it looks like that: more often than not, everyone is trying to do their best but get caught in very powerful internal conflicts. I think gaining some insight into that helps take the edge off the fallout somewhat.

Caught in this state, and supporting it with the idea of poly, it looks like your husband is indeed oblivious to how his behaviour is wrong. This may not last but it will be tricky to make him see your point of view. People are extra resistant when feeling accused, even more so when they feel their morality may be in question. It's a very hard thing to face. While it may clash with your sense of being in the right (and no one in their right mind would deny you that), a softer approach, focusing on communicating how you feel and not what he is doing wrong, might serve you better. It WILL require effort and good will on his part. Don't beat yourself if it yields no results.

I agree with Galagirl: I think that the first priority at this point is taking very, very good care of yourself. Get all the support you can. Therapy, friends, activities. Something that can make you smile or laugh within the day. I have copied this 10-point list https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-and-sensibility/201207/beyond-adversity of a "resiliency toolkit" and refer to it often. I've found airing my emotions in a friendly, supportive environment helps me a great deal to let go of things, centre myself, and take the next step towards productive thinking, acceptance, and reconciliation.

I hope something among all these might be of help!
 
Hi Bunny,

I think it is fine for you to vent here. That's one of the things we're here for, is to lend a listening ear. It sounds like you're pushing yourself maybe too hard to act as if you are okay with this girlfriend being around. You're pushing yourself too hard, and then all that pressure explodes and you're thinking about a divorce. Meanwhile, your husband is not taking you seriously, he is taking you for granted. If he does that until you decide to get a divorce, it will be too late. So he is following an extremely foolish course of action. Would he really do anything to keep you, if he's not willing to drop the girlfriend?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Bunny (from another bunny)

I hate to say it, but to my mind, this seems like one of those classic cases of "cheating in plain sight".

What I mean by that is, yours and hubby's deal was supposed to be swinging or general non-monogamy. You didn't ever agree to polyamory specifically. He just met someone and went full steam ahead into an intense relationship without you ever having agreed - in fact, despite your stated qualms and disapproval! (No matter what he may think, expecting you to play hostess to his new lover of mere weeks in your own home is taking things way too far, too early.)

I'm not sure how good/close your relationship normally is - or was, prior to new girlfriend and the deaths you mentioned - or how your husband usually shows his love, but it sounds as if he hasn't continued to assure you of your place in his heart or pay the necessary degree of attention to you and your needs that he must, if expects to transition from swinging to true polyamory without alienating you and allowing your marriage to break down.

I agree that you DO have cause for concern, and maybe even cause for separating temporarily or divorcing, if he knows/knew you were already depressed and that his behaviour is worsening your illness... yet he doesn't care enough to heed your wishes and slow down to give you time to process and adjust.

I encourage you to do your reading and research, seek or continue therapy (if applicable) and post in the forum as your situation develops. There are plenty of experienced poly people here whose advice and support may prove invaluable as it has for me.
 
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