Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Yesterday was crazypants. I had posted that I was kinda taking the day off from the Blessing Box, but one of the things I did was go to the bank and open a separate account just for cash donations. Lately I have become more worried about the amounts I am getting and I wanted a more transparent way to show things if anyone ever asks. I created a separate email and a specific PayPal as well. I’ve meant to do this for a while but it’s just been too much.

While I was at the bank we had a blow up with two visitors that I have had on my watch list for a while - I had to ban them permanently for trying to take advantage of the owner of one of the other Blessing Boxes in town. It was messy. All 3 of us agreed it had to happen though. Both chicks were upset with me and lashed out after the ban, and said I was dishonest and keeping all the food for myself and it was clear I was stealing laundry pods. This actually made me laugh because my washing machine doesn’t take laundry pods. It was hilarious to me that i was sitting in the bank making things more visible and open while being accused of being untrustworthy. The other owners and I are meeting up tonight to talk about new rules and some ideas we have about making things more transparent (we’ve been talking about it prior to this happening).

I found out later last night that these two takers have been banned from other organizations in town for the same sort of shenanigans, so I feel good about our decision.

My Box is actually broken again - a victim of high wind gusts. I feel stupid AF because we didn’t make any changes since it happened the last time. I am hoping to get the new glass today. The Box has been moved onto my porch permanently, I think. This is both good and bad. We will see how it goes.

I am exhausted this morning from dealing with nonsense but there is no question that the Box is making a difference, and is worthwhile. We actually had a hand in saving an infant’s life the other day - it was absolutely amazing. I kinda feel like maybe I started this just so that would happen - the chain of events existed to help this baby. Straight up truth - this child would be dead if I hadn’t opened up my Blessing Box. It’s mind blowing.

My life isn’t all Box, lol. I had a fun lunch out on Monday with a friend, and I am going to a get together to learn how to knit at another friend’s house on Friday night. I am not spending much time with DarkKnight lately - this is tech week for both of his plays so he disappears from here right after work to go practice, practice, practice. There is an end in sight to that though, thank goodness! I miss him. PunkRock and I spent all day together yesterday since it was his day off, and we are stronger than ever. I am so amazed at how much I love him, every day.
 
I am suffering from itchy eyes right now. On Monday while out with my friend, I had an eyelash fall and when I went to rub it out of my eye, it EMBEDDED itself into my eye. I had to PULL it out. Gah! Since then, that eye has been bloodshot and itchy, so I can't stop rubbing it. This then made me start rubbing the other eye, and now they are both dry and terrible. I bought some Visine on Friday, and that has helped loads. It lets me sleep and not pay attention to things, so both eyes seem to be improving. Though, I did just wake up from a stress dream and I really want to scratch my eyeballs out. I am going back and forth about going to see a doctor - from what I have read, if I scratched or damaged something in the original eye, those things heal on their own. I haven't had any issues with my vision at all. It's just annoying.

So, I am learning how to knit. I hung out with a different friend on Friday night - the first Friday of every month she hosts a craft night where everyone just comes over and hangs out and works on crafts. Well, I have never been to one, because I am hella lame. But I made this night! She taught me how to knit and I am not very good at it. I seriously do not have any sort of hand-eye coordination when it comes to shit like this. I so desperately want to learn, because it seems so very useful, but man, I am not good. lol It took me 5 hours to get a good looking cast on. I did about 5 rows total on a scarf since then. At one point my cat Milton pulled half of the third row OFF, so I had to kind of make it go back on and I am afraid it was not a very good attempt. Still, I am continuing on and hoping for the best. I am a perfectionist, and this is really stretching my boundaries.

I am hoping to make a scarf for PunkRock, because, you know, he doesn't ever wear scarves. :rolleyes: DarkKnight got a Dr. Who scarf for Christmas last year - whatever doctor has that super long one - well, he has that and he wears it all the time and loves it, so I figured I would make a scarf for the dude that doesn't have one. lol I am afraid it will be hopeless, but I am enjoying the process so far and learning to let go of perfection. It's a pretty good mental exercise, to be honest. That said, for now it is still sort of relaxing. If it starts looking REALLY bad, I might not get that calmness I am hoping for. lol

I only have like 3 more weeks left of my Chemistry classes. I have like 11 people saying they want to sign up their kids for Biology in the Fall, so I might just jump on that. I am still questioning what I wanna be when I grow up. After Chem ends, I am going to seriously focus on making jewelry to sell and I am super excited about starting on that endeavor. I am a Pinterest freak lately! I need to get on the ball about seeing about going back to school though - my short term plan is to focus on jewelry this summer, teach in the Fall and maybe go back to school in September as well. Did I write about that already? A degree in social work just seems like a logical progression of my life right now.

Honestly, I realize that social workers make next to no cash, but I feel like that would be ok - my household can support me making a lower wage, and I don't need benefits. So I could be helping my community more than I am now with just the Box - as long as I am making enough to pay back the student loans and a little bit more to cover a portion of our expenses.

First I have to get off my ass and finally contact the University of Maryland and order my transcripts from the one college I got my two Associate Degrees, and the other college where I worked on my Bachelor's. I am not at all certain how much will transfer and how much this new degree will cost, but we'll see! I won't move forward if it's going to take another whole 4 years. Fuck that. I owe enough in loans already!

It looks like my daughter will be moving out on June 1. She was making noises about waiting til July, but I made her sit down with me and we went over her budget and she can easily swing June if she isn't going out and spending all of her money. My son is going to roommate with her, because he wants to get out of the shithole he is living in currently. I don't know how this will work honestly. They will definitely be ok roommates because they both are quiet people and just do their own thing, but they're both hoarders and I don't believe they will be able to keep their place clean. We'll see though.

I am going to NY, finally, this coming weekend. I didn't go at all last year and I just can't believe it has been that long. It's going to be another fast trip - PunkRock is driving us. He works til 6 pm on Friday night, so we are going to drive like halfway and then get a hotel, finishing up the drive the next morning. My nephew has a play we are going to go and see at 2 pm on Saturday at his college, so I guess the plan is to meet up with other family for lunch before the show. I also HAVE to go to my favorite store - it's closing, so this is my last chance to go and spend all of my money! So we are going to have to move it Saturday morning to get there early enough to swing the store and lunch before the play. Then I want to see my bestie, but we have to make plans still.

We will drive home Sunday. Yeah, super fast trip, but that's all I have time for. DarkKnight REALLY wanted to go, because he and my nephew are like the same person when it comes to loving acting, but DarkKnight is in his own production, which opened yesterday! So he isn't going anywhere.
 
The trip to NY was a whirlwind, but I am happy I went. My nephew was amazing as the lead in the play - he was Felix, in The Odd Couple - and it was good to see him. Honestly though, there was like zero time to actually really connect with anyone. I didn’t get to see my bestie or my daughter, because though it was 80 degrees in Maryland, there was an ice storm in New York! Just crazypants!

I did get to spend over an hour with my mom in her apartment, and I have to say I am extremely worried. After not seeing her for a year, it is plain to see her health has been rapidly deteriorating. She looks like an emaciated Holocaust victim - her eyes are sunken in and her size medium clothes are hanging off of her small frame. The stress and anxiety of dealing with my brother’s drug problem is destroying her.

PunkRock helped her by clipping her cat’s nails, and we brought the kitty a new catnip toy. I can’t sleep this morning because I don’t know how to solve this. One thing that was always amazing about my mom was that she was ageless, but now she looks like the crypt keeper. Oh, how I wish I was joking about that! My brother is a junkie asshole.

Actually, my mom called me on our drive up, to tell me that her $10 to see the play “went missing,” which means “your brother stole it out of my dresser so he could buy subbies and crack in Rochester.” She told me she’s been short on bills every month this year so far, because of him demanding money. It makes me sick, because she won’t tell him no, and still continues to make excuses.

I hadn’t actually laid eyes on my brother for 2 years, because he avoids me, knowing I won’t put up with his bullshit. I saw him yesterday though - PunkRock and I brought a box of diapers and a $50 KFC dinner to his house for his baby momma and their two children. We knew it was way too much for lunch, but also knew they could reheat it and make a couple of meals from it.

My little niece and nephew are so freaking cute, you guys! Their mom is doing an amazing job, and I feel so bad for her. She is definitely just tired of my brother and pretty much our entire conversation was about how he can’t get clean and how we could possibly stop my mom from enabling him.

My brother wasn’t there when we arrived, but he came home halfway through our visit and it was good to see him. He looks like a homeless junkie, honestly. I would definitely cross the street, if he wasn’t my brother. His right eye has gone completely wonky - it was rolling around and not staying fixed. I asked baby momma about it and she said it was clearly something that happened because of the drugs, but it has been that way for at least a year now and he keeps putting off getting it looked at. It was disconcerting, to say the least.

I feel very ineffectual. All I can do for THAT situation is to send diapers whenever I think of it to help support my niece and nephew. I have a box of clothing I meant to bring with me, but I forgot it, so getting that out into the mail will hopefully happen soon. Maybe Wednesday. But as for my mom, clearly, she needs to get away from my brother, but all she did when she lived here in Maryland was mail him money, so I am not sure what increasing the proximity would do. I really can’t move her here, into my home. She made me have a nervous breakdown almost, the last time I had her live with me. Of course, that was when my father was still alive.

My house is small, y’all. We did that on purpose. I would like to move her down here to a rent-adjusted senior apartment, but I think she would refuse. All of her young grandkids are still up North, though she complains about never being able to see them, all the time. Other than offering to help her relocate, I don’t know what the answer is there, or even if that would help. My brother’s addictions are probably going to kill her.

I have a lot to do today with the Blessing Box. Being gone for the weekend meant that the overflow room is stacked with stuff that needs to be marked and sorted. I plan to focus on that this morning, and then go shopping to restock this afternoon. Seriously - we are out of almost EVERYTHING. The same goes for groceries at my own house - I need to go shopping! We all are going back on the low carb diet, but we can’t do that without food in the house.

Ugh. It’s like 5 am and I am exhausted. I woke up a few hours ago but can’t sleep. I need to shower. Oh! My own eye is still fucked up. It was itchy and shitty for a couple of days but I stopped wearing makeup and applied Visine. It got 90% better and I stopped using the Visine. Well, I put on eyeliner for the first time this weekend, and boom! I am back to red, itchy, watery, bloodshot eye. I am going to throw away all my eye makeup and quit it for a week. Hopefully things again improve and I will then try with new stuff. Something clearly is pissing it off.
 
Last edited:
I tried to update again earlier but my phone fucked up and glitched and I lost the entire post. Whatever.

So, yeah, here are some highlights - I am pretty tired right now and want to take a nap.

One of my close friends in Florida came up for a visit and I had a mom’s night out with like 10 other people so that was fun.

Got the mini-fridge out on my porch and it is impossible to keep full. It’s really popular and that’s AWESOME.

PunkRockAwesomesauce, DarkKnight and I all finally started back on a low carb diet. That was yesterday. I’ve had runny poops since then. Ugh. It always happens with this sort of diet at the beginning. I’m also way more tired as my body starts adjusting.

I am so fat, y’all. Yesterday I weighed 237.4 pounds. I haven’t been that large in like forever. My goal is to get back to 210 again. I love myself at that weight. Fuck though, even with low carb it will take forever. Sigh. Worth it though!

I got an email on Ancestry.com from a dude who has a DNA match with PunkRock’s grandfather. He is either a cousin or PunkRock’s half brother. PunkRock is hella pissed but resigned to the fact the dude probably is his brother, because his dad is/was a serial cheater. I messaged one of his cousins and she is handling shit right now. I just saw that Ancestry’s DNA test is currently $60 though, today, so I think I might buy two of them. PunkRock’s cousin is poking around to try and find out info from the older generation, but an actual test done now would tell us yes or no pretty quick with no bullshit. I started looking for my older half-siblings recently, and there’s been no luck so again, maybe getting results up on Ancestry would help that a bit. Or not. I kinda wanna buy a cat wheel for my baby Milton, and that’s like $200. I could swing one or the other right now but not both. I am going to talk to PunkRock tonight about it.
 
I went ahead and bought two DNA tests after talking to PunkRock. In the past and more recently I have been doing searches for my own older half-siblings but have gotten nowhere. So, maybe this will help.

I am really tired and should be in bed, but it’s one of those times where I am too tired to sleep. I’ve lost a pound so far on the new diet, and the runny poops have stopped. Yay for that! Lol

Today PunkRock went shooting with our Pandemic Legacy friend and another dude from his work. They went down to a club in Virginia and spent like $100 a piece doing skeet shooting. PunkRock seemed so relaxed and happy when he came home - I have told him several times he should join a club but he puts it off. He seems motivated now to join a local place. He doesn’t own a shotgun, but he and my daughter both have rifles and pistols. I have lately been encouraging him to buy a shotgun - not just for skeet shooting, but for home defense. Just racking the shells is all you need to let an intruder hear, right? Lol

DarkKnight has a show today - his chorus had a performance. He looked so very handsome in his tux, as always! Unfortuntely, I missed almost all of it, because after we parked the car and were waking up to the church, we stopped to assist a woman who had tripped on the sidewalk. A few people were already there but they all seemed like they weren’t sure how to help her. I asked her if she needed to go to the ER, and after looking - yep! Youcould see her teeth through a hole under her bottom lip, and one of her fingers was VERY visibly broken (90 degree angle). She was bleeding profusely and someone had handed her a tissue. I offered to drive her to go get assistance - I figured the ambulance would cost a freaking fortune and it didn’t look as if her injuries were life threatening, but she clearly needed to be seen. She agreed, and so I had to drive back around the block to come back to where she was on the ground.

Several men helped her up and into the car, and the wife of another singer got into my car to assist. She called the hospital as I drove, so we had zero wait at when we arrived. She got a room almost immediately, but we had a long wait. I guess it wasn’t too terrible, though none of the nurses seemed to care that she was continuously bleeding and all I had were paper towels to give her from the dispenser on the wall. Eventually the woman’s son showed up and I was able to leave with the other lady who had come along. I don’t know how the story ended, but I am sure they got her fixed up eventually. I am worried a bit about her recovery - she was 87 and very anxious and afraid.

So yeah, that happened so by the time we got back to the church there was only a short bit of the performance left. After DarkKnight and I got home, my daughter and I went to pick up 4 new bras I was able to order online for only $100. Usually I get two at that price, so I was elated to get double that. It was free shipping to the store, so pickup was required.
 
Only three more classes of Chemistry left. W00t! You have no idea how excited I am to start on my new business venture. Right now my plan is to teach a semester of Biology in the Fall, but starting next month I am branching out and I’m going attempt to make some money with my jewelry. I know there are a billion people that do this, but I am hoping to fill a niche and make some money. First I need to get shit done in our basement though - it’s driving me nuts that the window is still letting water in. Don’t get me wrong - it’s not like a stream or waterfall, mostly just dampness. I can’t set up my craft station until it is handled though. DarkKnight’s cousin is on board, so he and PunkRock just need to schedule it.

I’m going to stop writing and make that happen. Lol
 
Well our contractor is coming over today to handle the two windows. PunkRock decided that he just wanted to cover up both of them and be done. Both windows leak because at some point previous owners slapped down concrete pads on both sides of the house, right up against the windows. So the water collects along the wood frame and it rots out. We had decided to just put cinderblock over one and make it match with the foundation, and do glass block on the other, however last night PunkRock decided he wanted to do away with both windows on that side of the room completely. He wants to be able to control the lighting completely, in his art studio. So, alrighty then. The contractor says somewhere between 11 and 12 he will be here today to start. It’s going to be $600.

I forgot that I had a community meeting to attend at 11:30, so hopefully DarkKnight can direct things here.

I got my period yesterday and last night I started out on tray 15/27 of my Invisalign aligners. It wasn’t too bad in the beginning but after about a half hour I was seriously dying. I hate first nights - so freaking painful!
 
I misplaced my Invisalign until last night so I am currently reliving the super fun unbelievably intense mouth pain that a new set brings. Motherfucker they HURT. I went to sleep around 11 pm tonight but I would up at 4:30 am from a terrible stress dream. Now I am awake because my mouth hurts so very badly.

Good news is that i went and weighed myself and I am down 10.8 pounds in 10 days! I am super excited by this, even though I would love a cheese Danish right now! 226.6 is my current weight and my goal is once again 210, which I feel is my sweet spot. That’s where I feel sexy and my confidence is amazing. I lose more than that and people start telling me I need to eat more.

I had a fairly light period this time through - it’s still going on but it’s like my last day I think. I don’t think I wore more than one super plus tampon. What’s up with that? Usually I have a light day, two intense super plus all the time days and then another light day. I will take this. Lol

PunkRock had yesterday and today off and he’s using it to work on our front porch. He put up a new porch light and a bulletin board for my Blessing Box, and he took off the front door to replace the doorknob and deadbolt and get it ready for painting. That will be today - we have a paint sprayer a friend lent to us, so PunkRock is going to do the front door and the patio furniture I bought last year. I am so excited! Of course, the work he did yesterday just makes everything else look like shit on the porch. The light fixture makes the house numbers and mailbox look terrible. My screen door is dirty, old and totally unsuitable for the style of house we have. Sigh. I need to be rich so I can fix everything at once!
 
I am so completely out of sorts. Seriously - in a 12 hour stretch, 3 ex-partners of mine messaged me, with various declarations and requests. Is it the weather, or what?

DaddyMagic McDoucheBag (actually his real name) messaged me out of the blue, saying he wanted to go see Infinity War with someone beautiful. I told him no.

SmoothJazz or Greg (I keep forgetting his fake name here) has been messaging me right along so this one wasn’t a surprise, but I feel like eventually I need to either cut him off completely or decide what kind of relationship we are going to have. I really like him, he’s sweet, funny, cultured, and I feel very comfortable with him. But his schedule is insane and he lives down near DC. I am thinking maybe if I did decide to finally date again and he is still interested (he’s been texting me for 4 years so I am pretty sure he will be) we could meet up once a month, maybe. He’s vanilla AF though and we are not sexually compatible, but maybe that has changed since we had sex last (before I was dating PunkRock!). I like him for so many other reasons though - it is something to think about still.

SirGawain messaged me this morning and we had a conversation for a couple of hours and all I know is that calling to get in the schedule for therapy is my number one priority now. Just talking to him dredged up so much nonsense. He told me that I am a very difficult person to get over. This kinda jolted me, because I don’t see myself in those terms. It made me feel like an asshole, honestly. He told me he likes me a lot - that he loves me. I knew that, but he never really said it, which he said that’s because he was in part holding back before because he knew I wouldn’t be receptive to it, because of WarMan’s love bombing, but also because he doesn’t say it lightly. He said he keeps that phrase to himself. We talked a lot about just random things, but mostly I just mused about how messed up I still feel. Like, what do I even do with that information? SirGawain said he is willing to wait for as long as I need.

Holy fuck I am not that special! DaddyMagic is just thirsty AF but SmoothJazz and SirGawain have other options. I don’t know. I talked to PunkRock about it and he said honestly out of every ex he has met (when they weren’t ex’s) he said he liked WarMan the best. I was like, are you for fucking REAL right now?! It made me want to burst into tears, to be honest.

Oh fuck do I ever need therapy. Previously I was like, eh, I feel good, I’m busy, I have a good thing going. Now I am just an emotional mess again. I don’t want to date right now, and the thought of these guys both caring about me and wanting me to be ready makes me anxious. Not because I feel pressured to go out with them - that I don’t feel. The anxiety stems from not knowing if I will ever be ready. I have been dealing with my attachment issues for so very long. Parts of me have improved but so much more work is needed. I don’t know if I can do it, honestly.

I told SirGawain that the way WarMan lovebombed me and spoke a lot about love but didn’t back that up with actions - that messed me up. But then SirGawain was really the opposite. I felt the tension in that he was showing with his actions that he had intense feelings for me, but he never articulated them. So like, what do I do with that?

Yeah. Therapy. Pronto.
 
I had a meat giveaway yesterday for the Blessing Box, and it went amazingly. I have another giveaway now scheduled for next Saturday - not this Saturday! :) We had an extremely generous donor send us around 100 pairs of brand new Old Navy flipflops - men, women & children, all sizes - and around 100 swimsuits - men, women, & children, all sizes. It's just amazing to me! I had been asking for donations of swimsuits & flip flops and had received some, but I was just planning on recycling them back into the community. No problem. Now I have to coordinate this crazy giveaway that will require sign ups and sizing. I am super duper excited about it, but it was definitely unplanned.

It has also exploded. I've decided since it is so unique, that we are going to use it as a way to stock our room up for summer. In order to receive any swim gear, I am going to require a donation of one jar of peanut butter or jelly. We are also going to do a secondary random giveaway - every hour, we're giving away beach balls, squirt guns, sunglasses, bubbles, swim goggles, stuff like that. The third part is that we are going to have a drawing for larger gifts - beach towels, box fans, wading pools, a tent, coolers, sprinklers - and the biggest will be an air conditioner. I will let people buy in at a max of 10 tickets for $1 a piece, or in trade for a jar of pasta sauce, a bag of rice, etc. I think this is going to be amazingly fun! I just need to lock down donors of the larger items!

I posted the giveaway as a super secret thing, and people could donate $10 to find out what it is and assist in the planning and picking of prizes. I have raised $65 since midnight, so that is pretty sweet. I need to get the air conditioner super quick, because I feel like that will be a main draw.

This is my last week teaching Chemistry - my class is starting soon.

I have been thinking A LOT about both SmoothJazz and SirGawain.
 
So today will be busy. I have three people picking up baby items - one just showed, actually - and our pest control guy is coming over at noon for our 3-month check up. I am going to ask him to spray for ants. Last summer we kept getting invaded in our kitchen. I need to go buy an air conditioner for our big prize for the summer giveaway for the Blessing Box too. I also need to grade my Chemistry quizzes so I can buy decorations for Thursday’s last class. I have the kids divided into Harry Potter houses - each of them in the first class is paired with 1 or 2 students in the second class. There are only 10 points separating the two highest scoring houses, and I give 10 points each week for the highest quiz grade. I need to find out which House has the highest score this year and then decorate the classroom with streamers. This should be fun!

I am super down and out of sorts today though. I just want to stay in bed and wallow in it, but I have too much to do. DarkKnight is bringing me tea though, and then I will shower and have my shit together. Maybe.

This morning I weighed myself and I am down exactly 15 pounds. I think that’s crazypants - even doing low carb I don’t think I have ever lost that fast! 222.4 means I only have 12 pounds left to go to hit my goal of 210. If I start losing more than that, I don’t like myself. I enjoy being curvy and at my height, strangers start making comments about how my legs look like sticks whenever I get below that number. I know my sweet spot!
 
Today has had a slow start for me. Still feeling down and out of sorts, but the rest of the morning awaits! I have someone picking up newborn baby items at 11, so I am going to shower after writing this.

I did spend a lot of time yesterday working on the upcoming giveaway for the Blessing Box, and though it did eat up huge swaths of the clock, it has been fun! My message inbox will never be the same as I still have a long list of people to match up with free swimsuits today, but it’s been so worth it. I’ve received quite a few cash donations to purchase larger prizes for the raffle, so I plan to go shopping for those tonight.
 
Gah! My phone keeps rebooting itself. Anyway, I did finally make my therapy appointment. It’s on the 16th. I am optimistic about it, and I am glad to finally get back at focusing on my mental health surrounding relationships. I believe in some ways, my attachment issues have positively progressed and healed due to work i have put in toward them, but in other ways, shit has gotten worse. I need very real, specific changes I can make in my day to day, not just traditional talk therapy. My therapist has helped a bunch with this in the past, so i hope he is able to continue to help me make productive strides forward. Imma get better y’all!

Whether that means I will be interested at the end of this with dating SmoothJazz or SirGawain, I don’t know. Or dating at all. I guess I will see. My goal isn’t to get healthy so I can date again, but to improve on recognizing and reacting to unhealthy forms of relating, and figuring out how to get better with my over-reaching trust issues. That last one is the big one, since my attachment disruptions happened at a super young age and continued to be reinforced for like, ever. Dysfunction does not suddenly turn functional on its own, ya know?

I am still very bummed that my issues have caused SirGawain pain - that was never my intention. I know I am not responsible for his emotions now, and I really did think that I was in a good frame of mind to date when we started going out.
 
I talked to my mom yesterday about her moving down here. The thought stresses me out in a BIG way, but it honestly needs to happen. I think we have quite a while before I have to worry about it though, because she isn’t apt to leave the crazy going on with my brother.

PunkRock and I went and saw a movie with Film League last night, and that was fun. We totally both ruined our low carb counts afterward though so now I feel like shit. Tomorrow is DarkKnight’s birthday so we will probably eat garbage then too. By garbage I mean delicious food. Lol

Today I plan to try and wrap up my Chemistry class grades and get some transcripts in the mail. I need to pack up my glassware and get that into storage.
 
Things are still busy here. DarkKnight took the day off of work, and I was blissfully happy all morning, just being with him. We went to Starbucks in the AM, so he could get his free birthday coffee, and then stopped by Martin's to do some grocery shopping. After some time at home, his gift arrived via Amazon, and he was so happy that I bought him the new little Super NES. <3 We played a couple of games of Super Mario World together, and then went to lunch at Pretzel & Pizza Creations downtown. Then we went to the mall and bought him some new sneakers for the gym - I had a $15 cash back reward - and then went to JCPenney to use a $10 off coupon to buy him a new pair of gym shorts as well. Combined with a sale they had going on, those cost a whopping $5.

In the afternoon, DarkKnight left me at home and he went to hang out with my son and watch episodes of Duck Tales. Yeah, I was glad to skip that. lol When he got back, PunkRock was back from work as well, and we went to Mango Grill and ate some delicious Indian food. We stopped at the ice cream shop on the corner of our street, and then came home to enjoy an iced lemon pound cake that little Michigan had made yesterday - she baked it, and then I iced it and decorated it with blueberries tonight. Now I am working on Box stuff, though obviously I am taking a break to type this here.

I had some tears in my life today - my oldest daughter called me from NY because she isn't sure what to do right now with her relationship. She's been dating this dude for 3 years, which is a record for her. Well, she has met someone unexpectedly, has that rush of NRE and now isn't sure whether to stay or go. Sigh. I advised her the best I could and then let her go.

Later, my mom called crying and just completely out of sorts, because of my brother and his issues. He has become so incredibly abusive to my mom verbally, and she is breaking down. She told me she DOES want to move back down here but not until August. So I guess that is a loose plan now.

This afternoon, a total stranger sat down on my patio with me and got quite teary because she feels so overwhelmed with life. Her mom had died of a sudden heart attack, she is in financial crisis, and she had to stop here to ask for diapers and wipes. She was telling me she feels like she just can't make it to this weekend, as her older special needs kiddo was all over my yard, bouncing and shouting. She just needed someone to listen, so I did. A lot of what I do is sit and listen, most days. I gave her some bottled water (and the diapers and wipes) and commiserated with her. She said she had money to either pay her electric from getting shut off or having her car repo'd but couldn't do both, so she was probably going to have the kids set up blanket forts in the living room and eat over a "campfire."

I wish I was wealthy and could make everything okay for people.

I also had a request to help out a teacher appreciation special event at our local elementary school, so I agreed to drop off $25 to buy 10 cans of whipped cream. I had some cash from selling raffle tickets all week for our air conditioner giveaway, so I thought that was a good thing to do. There are a million ways to spend the cash, but to me, that made sense. Their other donor apparently backed out? This is the worst school in the city, with the poorest kids. Yeah, I will give for whipped cream so 100 teachers feel bolstered with their ice cream social on Friday.

I guess I should get back to working on the Box stuff. I am currently sorting summer clothing donations to be put out on Saturday.

Edited to add that PunkRock has already gone to bed. I am spending two nights in a row with DarkKnight since it's his birthday. PunkRock has been so out of sorts lately. He hates his job. He tells me he feels I am not supportive because I won't let him quit his job. This made me feel bad, but he needs to find something else first. He said he is going to look on Saturday, which is his day off. I would love him to find something different, but he's just unhappy and it's unfair of him to say things like that to me. He was so miserable when he first came home from work, but he seemed to be doing better by the time he went to bed. He has to work at 5 am, so he went downstairs after cake.
 
Last edited:
I am having a good day today so far. I started playing Super Metroid, which is a game I beat - holy shit - a generation ago! It’s fun to revisit things sometimes. The Super NES I bought DarkKnight also has Final Fantasy 3 on it, which I consider one of the the very best games of all time. I am nervous to play it again in case it doesn’t live up to what I remember!

Tomorrow is our big giveaway day and I am really hoping it goes ok. I got all of the swimwear sorted and it’s all in bags by family, in totes arranged by time of pickup. I am so excited to gift new Old Navy swimsuits and flipflops to the families in our city! There was a bag of extras that arrived this morning, so I need to open that up - our sponsor for this event has been buying additional sizes as we run out! It’s so amazing!

I have enough freeze pops - I think - for tomorrow. I need to set up all of the small “instant win” prizes on a table and make cards so people can draw for them. I need to count and make sure I have enough for each family - I actually might have enough for each family to pull two! So that’s cool. For the raffle, I am still hoping for another $20 donation to buy at least one more box fan to give away. The people that live in the housing development nearby are seriously sweltering. I already have one, as well as the main prize - an air conditioner. We have a wading pool, some floats, a couple of beach towels and a cooler full of food. :) A tent, a hammock, some pop up camp chairs and a cool sprinkler round out our prizes. Oh! And some plastic tablewear sets. I need to get that all set up as well. Anyone want to donate? PayPal to [email protected] and I will be greatful. <3

I have a volunteer coming over this evening to help sort the used swimwear and summer clothing - I hope to start this myself earlier but the day seems to be escaping me already. I am eating lunch right now and after I finish that, I need to go refill the Blessing Box before starting on what I mentioned above with the giveaway things.

I seriously need more sex in my life. I am not about to start banging randos but I need to do something! SmoothJazz and I are still talking - I told him I would be willing to come over to the DC area twice a month since he can host. He wants a girlfriend, but we both have no more time than that. It may work. I am going to focus on therapy for a while first though. SirGawain is hanging in there too, but I really don’t know if I can handle emotions and trust and everything that would go into a relationship with him. Again, therapy.

The Box takes up so much time but I really love having it be a part of my life. Next week I need to wrap up the Chemistry transcripts and send out my Fall Biology class announcement. Once I start getting cash in for that, I can start planning for expenses and purchases for my new jewelry business. That will be a focus this summer but honestly there is so much going on! Little Michigan is moving out June 1st and then we will have to get that bedroom back into shape and ready for fostering kittens again. I am determined to do that for a few months at least - before my mom comes down.
 
Last edited:
My life is running away with me!

The giveaway went great but I am glad to be on the end point with that. We have some raffle prizes that still need picked up but hopefully they’ll all be gone today. The overflow room isn’t looking too terrible at the moment - I bet if I spent an hour in there it would look all new again. That’s happening here after I finish this entry. :)

I got to meet Michigan’s new dating partner yesterday. I think they’ve had 3 or 4 dates and she has deactivated her Tinder account. I don’t know about him - I told her if she wants to be exclusive, she needs to share that with him and not just assume. He’s a huge nerd but good looking. It think he’s at least 2 or 3 years older than her. He just graduated college with a teaching degree and is interning right now and trying to find a permanent position. She really seems to like him and he seemed to be treating her like gold. Cuz like, she freaking is. Lol So that’s good. Today she came home from work and told me she needed to go back on birth control - she had stopped the shot because of breaking her foot, as the doctor was concerned about blood clots.

So I called and made her an appointment with an actual gyno tomorrow, and she told me she wants me to come because she is scared. Lol She’s 20 but hasn’t had a pap or anything yet since she hasn’t yet been sexually active. She’s always been open with me about that and I am glad she felt comfortable telling me she wanted help getting back on birth control. This time she wants an IUD, which I REALLY would love for her. It was great for my older daughter.

My older daughter called the other day and is thinking about dumping her boyfriend of 3 years. She met someone unexpectedly and I think she is going into NRE land. She said she hasn’t talked about or done anything sexual with the dude but she knows she needs to break up or cut it off. Sigh. I thought she was keeping this one so I am sad for her. She isn’t monogamous - hasn’t ever been. She has SERIOUS trust issues and her relationships go by so fast. I wish she would just own her poly nature. Though she says she really is asexual in some ways because she really doesn’t care if she never has intercourse again. She’s never had an orgasm and has pelvic pain during sex anyway. I keep encouraging her to get things looked at and she’s seen some specialists, but I don’t know how that is going.

Anyway, back to me. Lol Today my son was here and PunkRock took him to help move some of his furniture to the dump. Since my son and Michigan are moving in together to save on rent, they’re in a hurry now to get everything set up. I reserved them a moving truck, they’re going on Friday to the new apartment to see it once more before moving in, to get measurements, and I made my son make himself a therapy appointment. I fucking KNEW he hadn’t been going, and now he has to go back through the re-admittance process. Sigh. At least I have him back on the schedule now. He NEEDS therapy. Next week I am going to help them get their utilities scheduled.

Tomorrow morning I have an 8 am therapy appointment. I am feeling a little anxious but also a little excited. It’s a step toward healing!

PunkRock initiated sex this morning and it was super good. I wish he could keep up with me - it’s always so amazing with him.

I still have not sent out transcripts for my Chem class but I did print some of the finals and retake quizzes out this afternoon before getting sidetracked. One of my friends might purchase my lab equipment in total, but I need to make a full inventory and get it all wrapped up and itemized and then figure out what to charge. I have a lot of glassware! It’s really more than she needs - I might break it up and offer it out in 3 packages. I don’t know when I will have time for that though. Gah!

I was interviewed and filmed for a YouTube show hosted by a city council person yesterday. It was an interesting experience because it was in an actual studio. I am hoping it helps increase donations! The host posted a selfie photo of me and them together, along with the co-host, and it got reshared several times. People were really kind saying like - “look it’s the Blessing Box lady!” and “isn’t she amazing!” It made me feel good about what I have been doing. The video isn’t up yet though.

PunkRock and I had lunch together today and i guess we have decided that for our wedding anniversary this weekend we are going to Newport News, Virginia. I am so fucking broke though. We will make it happen though - we both need to get away!

DarkKnight just asked me to go out with him to pick up some groceries, so i am going to go do that. So much for the overflow room. Lol
 
I am so not feeling this trip. I don’t know what’s up but I am just blah about it. We plan to see a comedy show tomorrow night, visit a transportation museum and a zoo. If the rain breaks at all we want to hit the beach at least once. I do t know, I am just not that excited. PunkRock and I are leaving tonight and I haven’t packed a thing.

My therapy appointment was interesting yesterday - I will write more about it later.
 
Ugh. I am having a terrible night. My new Invisalign aligners do not fit at all on the bottom and I am freaking out. The last one fit but barely, now this one refuses to set. I am seriously going to have a panic attack. The top fits fine. Now I am super hyper-aware of the fit being off, the bottom hurts terrible and I can’t sleep. I kept the old one on the bottom and just swapped the top for tonight but it’s freaking hurting on the bottom so bad. Which is crazy, because it wasn’t hurting at all previously. FUCK. I know when I call tomorrow they are going to want me to come in. :(:(:(

So, this weekend PunkRock and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. We were supposed to go to Newport News and Virginia Beach but I wasn’t feeling it and the weather was shit, so Thursday evening we ditched those plans and ended up in Massanutten, Virginia instead. I’d never heard of this place until Thursday evening. Lol

Since it’s sorta between seasons, we were able to rent an entire one bedroom condo with two balconies, a fireplace AND a hot tub in the bedroom for $95 a night. Crazy pants. It was super nice and had a kitchen, living room, dining room, bathroom and bedroom. It was like having an apartment. Our condo was the end unit, and after the first evening, nothing around us was even rented!

https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/rOFBdsNJH18AXkkksNM1yWTDxo2AlBC4lwAKiJt23Q8

I definitely recommend this place for a quick getaway - it was only two hours from us and we only touched on a fraction of the stuff available. They have ziplines, bungies, mini golf, kayaking, hiking, horseback riding - all these super fun things - we did none of them because of the weather. LMAO

They have a huge indoor water park too, which we also didn’t do. With our rental we also got access to three different rec centers that had heated indoor pools, spas, arcades and an escape room. We did hit the pool once.

Let’s see, the first day we spent in town, pretty much going to every thrift store and antique market we could find. The only thing that cost us money all day was ice cream and meals. We put bubble bath into our jetted tub - neither of us had ever had so many bubbles in our lives. (This pic was not the final result.)

https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/KBpzp3ol1uwtzKd7lewGGN0z5hFOSiLaUkAHSjlOXpP

Second day we went to a free Planetarium show in town and did the swimming at the rec center. This was actually our anniversary. Oh, we also made it to the top of the resort and checked out the overlook when there was a break in the rain. Smokey Mountains!!

https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/ldIdfYlayvQk1b6bX4tEOsBqKENRnogzhhwpTaScTee

Since you’re prolly wanting a pic of me at some point, here I am before we left on the trip. I’m wearing PunkRock’s tshirt.

https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/c8r3418OY65tFTsb4ViOtoEskYU5EKgfOpWAC0mK30r

I haven’t lost any more weight - I have been eating carbs like crazy since Wednesday. I weigh the same that I was when dating WarMan. I want to lose 16 pounds so bad. I will still be overweight, but I will feel like me. This is too big.

I seriously am crazy stressed out right now. My period is due this week so I am trying to just be calm and tell myself that a lot of my stress is from my hormones being haywire. I was stressed before this Invisalign shit though.My therapy appointment was stressful and the next one is this Thursday. I have to get my Chemistry transcripts OUT OF HERE by Tuesday, and my Biology class up and listed by Friday. But this weekend, most stressful of all, was that at one time, I really felt a sexual disconnect with PunkRock. I had never had that happen before and it terrified me.

We had sex 3 times on this trip - Friday night, Saturday morning and Saturday evening. Saturday evening PunkRock really wasn’t into it at all, but he let me ride him and I came plenty of times, but he was so done afterward - I actually felt like I was an awful human being when I had finished. I told him how I was interpreting things - that I felt like a rapist - and he said he was sorry I felt that way and then went to sleep. I decided there was no use talking about it then, but on Sunday afternoon at lunch, I asked him if we could discuss it and we did.

It just comes back to that I have such a higher drive than he does. He doesn’t even have a low drive! But it’s the same shit, different day, ya know? He said that he never feels neglected, knows I am always ready and initiates when he wants it. He never feels like there’s a lack. He’s fine. But I feel wanting all the time. And he’s a champ - he hardly ever turns me down and he never fails to at least help me out with things. But this was the first time that he seemed really uninterested and it left me anxious and empty, even as I was cumming all over his cock.

I know I need to find another sexual outlet but I am not feeling emotionally ready for that right now - that’s why I am in therapy! I just despair, honestly, of ever having this fixed.
 
Last edited:
3 years already! Seems like only yesterday you were posting pics of boquets. Congratulations.
 
Back
Top