I hope I’m in the right place

gmike

New member
Hello,
I’m in my 50’s and have been married 30 years with three great kids. The desire to live a poly lifestyle has been very strong for the past 20 years or so, but other than one affair that ended a while ago I have not acted on it.

I was not aware of the term poly until recently. The thoughts have been consuming me lately, i figured that there must be a good user forum so here I am

I hope I’m in the right place because I am alone on this in my marriage. I have openly and honestly communicated with my wife about this and she has no interest. I have waited and tried asking again later over the years and each time I bring it up it upsets her more

I wish that I had been aware of my situation prior to marriage but I was not. I love her, she is my best friend and I don’t want to leave her.

Living a mono lifestyle is something that I feel like I can not just do. So I am here without her knowledge. Not ideal but I hope that the group will accept and not judge me if that is possible

This is a great forum with so many great threads and posts

Gmike - Chicago
 
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GMike,

Welcome aboard, there are many here with vast experience, I am not one of them. My path is somewhat similar, in that I am also a married man in my 50's mostly mono for most of my married years. From everything I have read, it is much easier to start poly rather than open an existing marriage. But like you said, you only just heard of poly. It wasn't on the menu when I put in my order 23 years ago.

I know nothing of your marriage, but here are a couple of things which I think give me a fighting chance of being able to have my marriage move to an ethically non-mono marriage.

1) My wife had an affair 10 years ago it was very short lived, but it put me through the, ringer. It essentially transitioned me from mono to poly, because I lost all attachment to my marriage, yet I also completely 100% forgave her. The affair doesn't even exist in my mind. I don't believe even in the term affair. Couple this with my wife's excessive drinking, I essentially built a wonderful life for myself with or without my wife. So I personally went through the process of letting my attachment to my marriage go. Mostly out of necessity.

2) After the affair my wife and I played around with swinging. There were a few times when my wife was out of town and one of our "sister wives" kept me company with my wife's approval. This experience greatly reduced my wife's anxiety around sex outside our marriage.

3) I have had a very close relationship with another woman for the last 6 years, it has been strictly platonic. Only recently has my wife sobered up (literally) and realized the extent of our connection. This has been very threatening to her, but this threat is dissipating.

So in essence, I already believe that I am poly, as I have love for two women. I tried to be as ethical as possible in this secondary relationship. I realize that having this relationship somewhat private was not ethical, but when your wife explodes at you every so often in a drunken rage at 3am, you tend to hold your cards a little closer. In addition, as my wife has sobered up, I have made it very clear that I love her and want to continue on with our marriage. Why the hell would I have waited all of these years for her to get her shit together if I didn't love her and value the marriage. However, I have also stated that on principle, I will not throw this other relationship under the bus, so to speak, and poly is essentially who I am at this point. So going forward, how I express my polyness can be very negotiable, but I will not cut off communication with a dear friend to alleviate my wife's insecurities. So bottom line is I am willing to loose my marriage out of principle, but as this unfolds it is unlikely to happen. But I had to risk it.

What would be more likely to happen is my marriage would fall apart due to my wife choosing to drink and not be spiritually and emotionally present to work through our issues. This would also be a deal breaker. So I am working on my marriage on two fronts. The sober front is actually more important at this point. But it does not negate the poly goal.

So I have three questions for you.

1) Are you ready for your wife to fall in love with another man and would you be ok with that. Are you ready for her to fall in love with another man and leave you for him because she stays mono.

2) Do you think your wife has the ability to deal with the emotional trauma of this type of transition (on your wife's part). For me it was brutal, and for most people who have spent a lifetime being indoctrinated into the mono culture, I believe it is also equally difficult.

3) And three are you willing to leave your wife to be true to who you are.

And a fourth question.

4) Do you have the patience, compassion and love for your wife to nurture her through this difficult time.

and as long as we are asking....

5) Do you have the internal fortitude to press forward with your own beliefs even when it appears insurmountable and terribly difficult.

So in summary, it is not very easy, but I do wish you the best.

CON: I have waited and tried asking again later over the years and each time I bring it up it upsets her more

PRO: I love her, she is my best friend and I don’t want to leave her.

I hope the tone of my response is not too blunt or negative, but I was reading between the lines of your post to assume that you were up against a stubourn and inflexible wall. The one thing that you may have going in your favor, is that you love your wife. If she can see that your desire for poly is not a negative reflection of your love for her, then you have a start. But there is often such a big divide between an intellectual understanding of poly and it's implementation.

My recommendation is to take the very long and slow approach to this process. Lots of reading, and lots of soul searching. Could you get your wife to read the "Ethical Slut" with you?????? That might be a start.

Best of luck to you. I am sure more here will chime in with more seasoned experience.
 
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Thanks for the welcome and sharing your story CU. It sounds like the reasoning and way that you transitioned from mono into poly were all good it it was very well done. Congrats

Answers to your questions-
I don’t know how I would handle my wife falling in love with another’s man but if she still loved me and I remained her clear primary I think that I’d be OK with it and know that should anticipate this going in

Regarding knowing if my wife has the ability to deal with the emotional trauma that may go along with this transition- I don’t know but it would not surprise me if the answer was no

Am I willing to leave my wife to be truly to who I am? I have been wondering about this for years and I still don’t i the answer. In the past I opted to cheat vs. leave which is never a good plan. It is cowardly, but I do love her and would like to keep my family together This may change or it may not. I am aware that people who have affairs are very often caught.

Do I have the patience compassion and love for my wife to nurture her through this? Yes, I am very confident that I do and that it could bring us much close together

Your last question about pushing forward leads me to where I am today. It appears that she will never agree. So here I am, a married “single” poly looking to get actively involved in my local Meetup group. I’m not sure if I will be accepted there and my behavior would not be consistent with the definition of poly

This is not easy! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts
 
Living a mono lifestyle is something that I feel like I can not just do.
I assume you mean "...very much longer" as, for the most part, you've been doing exactly that for 30 years.

The desire to live a poly lifestyle
Help us pin down what it is that you desire, as specifically as you can presently manage.

What "lifestyle" are you (presently) hoping to consider? Would you hope for one additional partner, or to "play the field"? Would you expect your partners (including your wife) to be exclusive to you, or to also have other relationships?

After so long being monogamous, do you feel that you can make yourself capable of undertaking the core principles of polyamory, not least being relentless self-honesty & constant deep communication?

I love her, she is my best friend and I don’t want to leave her.
I sense an implied "but..." there.

How important is (potential) sexual variety to you? Is it more that three decades of monogamy is your absolute limit, or are you maybe hoping to move on to a new & more "monogamish"/open relationship with someone yet unmet?

So I am here without her knowledge. ... I hope that the group will accept and not judge me if that is possible
You are here for information, & maybe feedback. Few people here will encourage you to make rash moves or abandon your marriage or run roughshod over your wife's needs. In those regards, compared to a dating (or lifestyle or porn site), it's really very tame. :)
 
Thanks for your reply, comments and questions Ravenscroft, please see below -

I assume you mean "...very much longer" as, for the most part, you've been doing exactly that for 30 years.

correct, I mean for very much longer. I have been living a mono lifestyle forever and I feel the need to live life being true to my needs

What "lifestyle" are you (presently) hoping to consider? Would you hope for one additional partner, or to "play the field"? Would you expect your partners (including your wife) to be exclusive to you, or to also have other relationships?

I am hoping for one additional partner and ideally would like my wife to have the same, but she has expressed no interest in this. I cannot expect to have permission to do this and expect her to be mono. I believe that if she were to have a bf that, although it might be difficult for me, it would ultimately bring us closer together

After so long being monogamous, do you feel that you can make yourself capable of undertaking the core principles of polyamory, not least being relentless self-honesty & constant deep communication?


Yes I do but here is where the challenge is about honest communication - if my wife is not interested and unwilling to allow me the privilege, do I stay and deny myself, leave her, or basically have an affair without her knowledge? A big dilemma for me...

How important is (potential) sexual variety to you? Is it more that three decades of monogamy is your absolute limit, or are you maybe hoping to move on to a new & more "monogamish"/open relationship with someone yet unmet?

Very important although I have never really had it and it does feel like I am coming up on my monogamy limit. I am hoping to move on to a new second relationship with someone yet unmet. And I understand that it could be very difficult to find someone.

You are here for information, & maybe feedback. Few people here will encourage you to make rash moves or abandon your marriage or run roughshod over your wife's needs. In those regards, compared to a dating (or lifestyle or porn site), it's really very tame.

thank you for adding that!
 
Welcome.

What is your desired outcome(s)?

I hope I’m in the right place because I am alone on this in my marriage. I have openly and honestly communicated with my wife about this and she has no interest. I have waited and tried asking again later over the years and each time I bring it up it upsets her more.

Are you going around bottled up inside? And feeling like your partner doesn't really know or love the inner, authentic you? Is the need for your wife to see you, ALL of you? You want her to become open to talking to you about your poly thoughts and feelings?

I wish that I had been aware of my situation prior to marriage but I was not. I love her, she is my best friend and I don’t want to leave her.

Is is that you want the above PLUS eventually moving toward practicing an open/poly marriage?

Is it that you want to become more at peace with leaving her if it comes down to that? So you can be free TO poly and she's free FROM poly, while still trying to preserve the friendship?

Living a mono lifestyle is something that I feel like I can not just do. So I am here without her knowledge. Not ideal but I hope that the group will accept and not judge me if that is possible.

You are just reading on the internet. You aren't doing anything horrible. It's ok that it's without her knowledge. (Is it that you wish she would join you in reading things and talk to you more?)

Or is it that you are thinking about cheating on your marriage agreements? And need to be talked down from that? :confused:

Something else?

Galagirl
 
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I am hoping for one additional partner and ideally would like my wife to have the same, but she has expressed no interest in this. I cannot expect to have permission to do this and expect her to be mono. I believe that if she were to have a bf that, although it might be difficult for me, it would ultimately bring us closer together


These are common misconceptions. There is no need for your wife to have another partner if she doesn't want one. Thinking there needs to be some sort of balance is monogamist thinking. There are several members here who have mono partners and it works well for them.

Also, you are not looking for "permission". She is your partner. You are looking for an agreement.

Lastly, poly won't necessarily bring you closer together. It could drive you apart.
 
yes I am bottled up inside. My wife knows the inner me in that I would love for us to try a mutual poly lifestyle, but what she doesnt know is that I might do it with or without her.

She listens to me but dismisses the subject when I bring it up. I would like to her to be open to having a real conversation about it and for her to consider it.

I want to stay with her but also either convince her (not likely) to join me or to move ahead being poly by myself, possibly without her knowledge. I recognize that this by definition is not polyamory, it is cheating.

I'm not looking for encouragement to leave her and I dont need to be talked down from cheating. I am curious to know if this type of situation comes up oftern on the forum I can't find any similar stories.

thank you GalaGirl for your questions and comments, much appreciated
 

I am hoping for one additional partner and ideally would like my wife to have the same, but she has expressed no interest in this. I cannot expect to have permission to do this and expect her to be mono. I believe that if she were to have a bf that, although it might be difficult for me, it would ultimately bring us closer together


These are common misconceptions. There is no need for your wife to have another partner if she doesn't want one. Thinking there needs to be some sort of balance is monogamist thinking. There are several members here who have mono partners and it works well for them.

Also, you are not looking for "permission". She is your partner. You are looking for an agreement.

Lastly, poly won't necessarily bring you closer together. It could drive you apart.

Good points, thank you.
 
I strongly suggest not going to poly meetups or events without your wife's knowledge. You will be branded as a cheater and pretty much blow any chance of making friends or more. Don't think you can get away with lying about it either. Poly women are already suspicious of married men. They will figure you out fairly quickly.
 
Gmike,

I really appreciate the prospective of our more seasoned forumites.

Starting out small and working up to bigger things would be my recommendation. As an an example in my case. First I needed to define what poly means to me. Ravenscroft pointed this out very well and Galagirl asked a lot of great questions.

I told my wife that I was poly about 2 months ago, but what the hell does this mean, because it looks very different for everybody. After much soul searching I realized what I needed. I was on a poly site browsing profiles and noticed under somebody else's profile - Interests "Coffee and Conversation". While many of the profiles turned me off. This resonated with me.

Then in reading many of these posts, I was pointed to books on non violent communication (NVC), where defining your NEEDS is the start of being able to communicate. A need can't involve action or other people. My need if I were to express it would be to say, "I need to have loving spiritual connections in my life with people based upon common shared growth"

Now the reality is that I have a very dear and close girlfriend. And my wife has been fearful of me having sex with her and falling in love (even though I have had sex with other women). My wife has also been under the false assumption that if I have sex with this girl and fall in love (can't happen as I already love her), then I will leave her. This won't happen either as I been through some pretty hellacious stuff with wife and didn't leave.

The bottom line is the following goals and needs "Coffee and Conversation" and "I need to have loving spiritual connections in my life with people based upon common shared growth" are a lot more palatable than I want to go screw a bunch of women. Because when that is said a mono person hear "You don't love me and will leave me, I need to shut this down asap, or I will lose my husband and my life" which is pretty scary stuff.

I hope this prospective helps.
 
Greetings gmike,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I sympathize with you about your situation with your wife not being willing to poly with you. Can I ask, is there any chance it's mostly her not wanting to do poly herself, but she might consent to you doing poly on your own? Have you asked her this question?

I'll do my best to support you in whatever you decide to do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
yes I am bottled up inside. My wife knows the inner me in that I would love for us to try a mutual poly lifestyle, but what she doesnt know is that I might do it with or without her.

I suggest you tell her you are at that place. You are struggling, and it is becoming really hard. So hard that you are thinking about cheating. The first need is not to go leaping into poly dating. The first need is to unbottle so you are less stressed.

This is your spouse and best friend. The person you presumably turn to as your closet person when you need help. She doesn't have to want to do poly... but she could try to have this conversation for real even if it is hard to do. Not one conversation, but a SERIES of talks over time. Some couples take years to do all the talking they need to do.

She listens to me but dismisses the subject when I bring it up. I would like to her to be open to having a real conversation about it and for her to consider it.

I suggest you tell her that also. That you want to have real conversations about this instead of her waving it way. Then ask her "Why does she wave it away?" Does it frighten her? Something else?

At the same time, YOU have to be open to having real conversation. That means she gets a voice too. And you have to be willing LISTEN if she considers and the answer is "NO. I still prefer mono. I don't want to do any kind of poly. Not mono-poly, not poly-poly on both sides, nothing. I prefer Closed."

And if you still want some kind of open model?

You both have to move on to the "What do we do now?" conversation.

If you have grown in different directions over the years and still want to remain friends... what's the best relationship shape going to be then so BOTH people's needs/preferences are being met?

I want to stay with her but also either convince her (not likely) to join me or to move ahead being poly by myself, possibly without her knowledge. I recognize that this by definition is not polyamory, it is cheating.

It cannot be you move head WITH her knowledge? You poly dating and her not dating? Because she doesn't need more Sweeties? Are you not comfortable with that option? :confused:

I suggest you skip the cheating. Either renegotiate agreements within the marriage or become willing to disband the marriage. Do this CLEAN.

Because she is your best friend and cheating is not friendly behavior. However this turns out in the end, I presume you want to keep at least the friend layer of your relationship. Does cheating ADD to that being likely or TAKE AWAY from that being likely?

Besides... What are you doing to do if/when your poly agreements are hard to hold up? Cheat on those too? :confused:

I'm not looking for encouragement to leave her and I dont need to be talked down from cheating. I am curious to know if this type of situation comes up oftern on the forum I can't find any similar stories.

Where one person wants to poly and the partner is not into it/keen? It happens.

Make smaller, more doable requests.

First with you -- ask yourself to read 1 article. Fourteen Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship

Second? Ask wife if she will consider having some "real conversation" about relationships and doing 3 worksheets with you to help start having those conversations. You don't want to leap to DOING poly. The goal is that you want to understand her better and have her understand YOU better. So you get to unbottle.

Self-Evaluation
Reflection on Change
Creating Authentic Relationship

Most of the time, the reluctant partner might be thinking "What? I'm gonna do all this work for you to poly date to get LESS of your time and attention? Be in poly hell? Where's the cookies for me in all this?"

If you come across as pushy, impulsive, up for cheating, reckless, putting your wants ahead of everything, not listening to their side, etc? They aren't going to want to go there like THAT.

Slow down. First figure out if you are still compatible after all these years of if you have grown apart over time in your ideas about authentic relating and intimacy.

Then IF she's willing for more... talk about HOW you want to go there... IF you guys go there? That's still not leaping to poly dating. You could finish the 4th sheet.... and then you both do MORE reading.

Don't just jump into poly dating. There's pitfalls.

MORE READING:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl, Thanks for such a well thought out and comprehensive reply. While I am not the OP, I am traveling the same path. So thanks for the help.
 
Hi gmike - and welcome to the Forum! I personally do not feel that you seeking advice and information in this Forum is unethical - seems you are just looking for help to make the best decision that you can.

yes I am bottled up inside. My wife knows the inner me in that I would love for us to try a mutual poly lifestyle, but what she doesnt know is that I might do it with or without her.

She listens to me but dismisses the subject when I bring it up. I would like to her to be open to having a real conversation about it and for her to consider it.

I want to stay with her but also either convince her (not likely) to join me or to move ahead being poly by myself, possibly without her knowledge. I recognize that this by definition is not polyamory, it is cheating.

My compliments on correcting your own initial misstatement within a couple of paragraphs. Polyamory requires the knowledge and consent of all involved - otherwise it is just cheating.

I am curious to know if this type of situation comes up often on the forum I can't find any similar stories.

The situation in which one member of a mono married couple asks the the other partner to open the marriage and transition it to poly is actually a very common story on this forum - and often referred to as "polybombing" - as that as how it can feel to the unsuspecting happily mono partner who has received the request. Sometimes the question is "how to do I tell my spouse that I want to be poly?" - although it seems more often the question is "My spouse has asked me to open our marriage - my gut has just been ripped out - what do I do?"

My wife asked me about 15 months ago to open our marriage to poly so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend in an ethical manner. (The full story is in my link below). Eventually, after a great deal of anguished processing, I was able to achieve enough of a paradigm shift to consent to her request. But I was willing to making the conscious effort to change my perception on marriage and romantic love - and then worked quite hard on it (over a dozen books, hundreds of forum posts, numerous web articles, podcasts, etc). At first it was just a concession, but I have eventually come to accept and enjoy our polyamorous marriage.

I should also note there was a set of unusual prexistent factors that helped me achieve the shift (that obviously would not normally be the case) - prior conversations with an openly poly friend which led to a bit of a brief overview study of poly (which led me to the conclusion that it was impressive - but no thanks, not for me), a fairly comprehensive knowledge of Heinlein's writings on alternative marriage styles (a plus for the poly side since I have been a Heinlein fan since I was 10), and access to a set of effective pscyho-spiritual tools that have proven to be quite effective when shifts in perception have been required.

Unfortunately, most marital partners who are asked to transition to poly are unwilling or unable to do so - and they certainly should not be "expected" to do so as they obviously did not get married under that assumption. (but certainly not all - there are other examples here also, of "both genders" who have transitioned to poly at the request of their spouse - or been willing to remain mono while their spouse explored poly)

However, for those with a partner willing to hear the request, Galagirl's earlier links offer excellent advice. I also feel that my wife did a lot of things right when she asked me to consider poly for our marriage. I summarized her approach here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=85320&page=3

Honestly, though, it sounds like you have already tried to discuss this with your wife with no results at all, so you may be faced with those choices you outlined.

If she absolutely refuses, almost all polyfolks would see cheating as unethical and dishonest - polyamorists tend to judge cheaters more harshly than monogamists, I believe. However, there are those who maintain that under certain circumstances, that cheating when consensual nonmonogamy is just not an option may be kinder than leaving the marriage - if you never get caught, of course - because then it is not kind at all.

Best of luck with your quest. Al
 
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Thank your for your comments A199, for sharing your experience about what you went through with your wife and for the link to the forum post

It is very helpful to me and much appreciated
 
Others have given you great information and shared similar experiences.
Just a couple things stood out to me.

I don’t know how I would handle my wife falling in love with another man. But if she still loved me and I remained her clear primary I think that I’d be OK with it, and know that I should anticipate this going in.

You will find as you read, that expectation of a clear primary/secondary arrangement is never guaranteed. How could it be? How could a poly person fall in love with one (their spouse), and then guarantee that the next time they fall in love, that the second person would NEVER be as important to them as the first?

The new person might be even more well matched with the poly person than the first partner/spouse, given that the poly person is now older and more aware of their mature needs and desires, and their new OSO will be aware of that from the start, not seeing the poly person as they were 20 years ago.

I think you're assuming/imagining that, if you were able to get consent to practice polyamory, that you would guarantee to your wife that no one would ever be as important to you as she is. That's just not true. You'll probably become deeply infatuated and experience New Relationship Energy (NRE). That is a temporary but extremely strong hormonal state, where you become obsessed with the new person, your desire for sex and bonding is incredibly high. After that fades (which takes 6-18 months usually) you could still find that you want to spend at least as much time with the new partner as with your wife. There is so much to explore with a new person! They will be new territory you'll be fascinated to travel into, physically and emotionally and mentally. Life in general takes on new colors and definition when you are newly in love. The new person may feel more like a primary than the old one... especially if your wife is still insecure, and fussing and crying and maybe even throwing fits as she transitions, while the new person is so sexy and putting her best foot forward.

Now, one thing you could work towards is keeping your wife as your "nesting partner," sharing a home, finances, retirement, etc. And your hypothetical new love would remain lower on the "relationship escalator." Not live with you (and wife), not meet your friends or family, not have your child, not share a bank account or retirement fund. You could arrange even, for no overnights, or for limited overnights and dates.

But maybe you want them to be able to visit you in the hospital without your wife or family objecting. To be recognised at your funeral (should it come to that). To know you won't move away for a job or to take care of an elderly parent, abandoning her.

Regarding knowing if my wife has the ability to deal with the emotional trauma...

It appears that she will never agree. So here I am, a married “single” poly looking to get actively involved in my local Meetup group. I’m not sure if I will be accepted there, and my behavior would not be consistent with the definition of poly.

As long as you continue to seriously consider cheating, you will never be polyamorous, or seen as poly by other polys.

Even a polyamorous relationship that is "don't ask don't tell," where a reluctant mono spouse agrees to their poly partner dating, as long as she never hears the lover's name, never knows when their spouse is on a date, never hears one detail of a date, etc., is extremely on the borderline of poly, and can push a big wedge between spouses. This kind of DADT usually only works if one or both partners travel a lot for business, and can date while one of them is "away on business."

In our culture, though, cheating is extremely common. It seems some marriages don't break up over it, even if the cheating is known of, as long as "appearances" of monogamy are kept up socially. You can turn on the TV or open a novel and see this kind of thing anytime. Do you think you could live with that?
 
Others have given you great information and shared similar experiences.
Just a couple things stood out to me.



You will find as you read, that expectation of a clear primary/secondary arrangement is never guaranteed. How could it be? How could a poly person fall in love with one (their spouse), and then guarantee that the next time they fall in love, that the second person would NEVER be as important to them as the first?

The new person might be even more well matched with the poly person than the first partner/spouse, given that the poly person is now older and more aware of their mature needs and desires, and their new OSO will be aware of that from the start, not seeing the poly person as they were 20 years ago.

I think you're assuming/imagining that, if you were able to get consent to practice polyamory, that you would guarantee to your wife that no one would ever be as important to you as she is. That's just not true. You'll probably become deeply infatuated and experience New Relationship Energy (NRE). That is a temporary but extremely strong hormonal state, where you become obsessed with the new person, your desire for sex and bonding is incredibly high. After that fades (which takes 6-18 months usually) you could still find that you want to spend at least as much time with the new partner as with your wife. There is so much to explore with a new person! They will be new territory you'll be fascinated to travel into, physically and emotionally and mentally. Life in general takes on new colors and definition when you are newly in love. The new person may feel more like a primary than the old one... especially if your wife is still insecure, and fussing and crying and maybe even throwing fits as she transitions, while the new person is so sexy and putting her best foot forward.

Now, one thing you could work towards is keeping your wife as your "nesting partner," sharing a home, finances, retirement, etc. And your hypothetical new love would remain lower on the "relationship escalator." Not live with you (and wife), not meet your friends or family, not have your child, not share a bank account or retirement fund. You could arrange even, for no overnights, or for limited overnights and dates.

But maybe you want them to be able to visit you in the hospital without your wife or family objecting. To be recognised at your funeral (should it come to that). To know you won't move away for a job or to take care of an elderly parent, abandoning her.



As long as you continue to seriously consider cheating, you will never be polyamorous, or seen as poly by other polys.

Even a polyamorous relationship that is "don't ask don't tell," where a reluctant mono spouse agrees to their poly partner dating, as long as she never hears the lover's name, never knows when their spouse is on a date, never hears one detail of a date, etc., is extremely on the borderline of poly, and can push a big wedge between spouses. This kind of DADT usually only works if one or both partners travel a lot for business, and can date while one of them is "away on business."

In our culture, though, cheating is extremely common. It seems some marriages don't break up over it, even if the cheating is known of, as long as "appearances" of monogamy are kept up socially. You can turn on the TV or open a novel and see this kind of thing anytime. Do you think you could live with that?

I very much appreciate your thoughts and commentary Magdlyn, some of which I had not fully considered. I knew that this would not be easy and I have lots of things to work out if I am to proceed.
 
A lot of issues to deal with there. Don't do anything without being perfectly honest and up-front with your wife. Try to research it together so that you have a common understanding and are in agreement about a course of action. There is a link in my signature line that may be helpful, and many of the people here are very good too.
 
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