Polyamorous love triangle

When you say "hurt" purpurea, I decided to hear it as " jealous." I don't know if you mean it as such, but as English isn't your first language perhaps there is a mix up in understanding of definition?

If she thinks you are friends with benefits then she would think you are having sex no? That is the "bemefit" in "friends with benefits."
 
I think if I just say "I'm jealous", I don't go deep enough into understanding this feeling. I think it has nothing to do with English not being my first language, more with how I look at emotions. There is something underlying my jealousy, and for me this is feeling hurt, and feeling hurt comes from being scared. And it's not that I only feel jealous that she gets something I don't get any more. It also hurts that he let our relationship become romantic, and then redecided to make it something in between romantic relationship and friendship. I feel dumped and that hurts.

She THOUGHT that we were friends with benefits, prior to their decision becoming a monogamous couple. He used to call both of us his friends. He told me that he had redefined the word friend for himself, but I'm not sure if she knew that too. He also said that he loves both of us, but even if he told her, I know that in America (she's American) I love you is not exclusively used in a romantic context like in his or my first language. I really, really hope for her that she will be able to handle all the things that she will find out in May.
 
I hope she can too. In her culture cheating is not approached lightly. Likely she will not be willing to see it as "her" problem as you do. She likely will hit the roof and feel very decieved and angry because she has not been respected.

How have you been working with this "hurt" you feel as a result of jealousy? When I have felt that way I have tried to walk through it and find what I personally can do on my self to see that there is no reason to be afraid of losing my partner. I have also worked on believing that I can choose a path that means asking for my need for connection, closeness and time to be met.

My partners have been more than willing to work on this with me however by slowing down or setting specific times to spend with me or telling me that they love me and saying things that I believe to be true about myself. All good things.

This man is different than my partners though. If I were hurt and jealous with him I wouldn't trust what he says due his ability to lie without remorse and I too would be very hurt that he isn't willing to show me how valuable our relationship is to him by telling his other woman about me or honouring me by believing me to be equal to her.
 
I thought you guys would like to hear how this story ended.

A few days ago I told him that I'll need more distance from now on because I couldn't handle the situation any longer. I tried to make him understand that I don't want to blame him but that I've tried all I could, but now think it's time to protect myself.

Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well. After first begging me to stay, he started attacking me verbally, when he realized that I was serious. He said he hates me for being willing to break his heart and throwing it all away over not getting a stupid little title that virtually means nothing in reality. That he has shared more of himself with me than he will ever share with her or anyone else, and how stupid it is of me not being able to see it. I tried to tell him that although I believe him how much I mean to him, emotions are by definition not logical and that there's nothing I can do to change it. He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could :(

I asked him why he gladly makes her his girlfriend, when she says she wouldn't be able to stay otherwise, but when I express my needs, that are quite similar to hers (or actually even a little less) he gets upset. I can only guess, but I think it is mainly because he's pissed off that his plan to keep both off us close by making her his girlfriend didn't work out, and of course, it is easy to blame the one who doesn't want to play the role he chose for them. I guess he missed to take into consideration that I might have needs too, because to him it was logical that this is not a situation that someone couldn't handle. Though from my experience, I think most people would feel hurt in my position and couldn't come to terms with the situation.

He then texted me that without our relationship he thinks he really doesn't want to go on living, and then deleted my number afterwards. I haven't heard from him since, and I don't expect him to show up again. I mean, I knew he would feel hurt and react very emotionally, but I thought this "I go kill myself and it's your fault" thing would only happen to other people... Luckily, he didn't succeed to make me feel guilty.

I wonder how she would feel about it all if she knew it. Not only the physical cheating. I think he's cheating on her emotionally as well. I think, people who want a monogamous relationship usually wouldn't be happy to hear that being their girlfriend/boyfriend means "virtually nothing" to their partner. As well as knowing that their partner has a closer relationship and shares more of himself with someone else. They want to come first, and be the most important person in their partner's life. I think he will keep her in the dark about it though. I haven't met her, I couldn't. I don't know if I should try to contact her somehow and talk to her about all this, but I'm not sure if this is my job, nor if it would lead to anything. I could imagine that she would side with him, resp. the version of the story he's selling her.

I feel ok now. I didn't feel that my needs were met in this relationship, I wasn't able to push my limits, and therefore went away, so it's fine. I'm not blaming anyone for it, so I'm pretty much at peace with the situation. Of course, it is sad that it had to end in this very unpleasant way, and I miss the good things we've shared, and there is an empty space in my heart now. But it's ok.

Thank you for your support and your opinions. It helped me a lot to find my own position, and especially to accept that I have limits and needs, and that it's ok to have them and stand up for them.
 
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Wow, thanks for the update. It was great to hear from you. Good luck in the future. I am wishing for you all the love you deserve next time. :)
 
I started a comment on here yesterday, but my library-computer time ran out, and all my work was scrapped before I could punch the "submit reply" button.
I thought you guys would like to hear how this story ended.
Just 3 days ago [2 days before I read this], I was thinking to myself: "Hey! Purpurea hasn't added to her thread in a long time now. I hope that she hasn't disappeared."
Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well.
Well, of course he didn't! Up until now, he's been having it all his way. Now you've told him that he can't get away with that any more.
After first begging me to stay, he started attacking me verbally, when he realized that I was serious. He said he hates me for being willing to break his heart and throwing it all away over not getting a stupid little title that virtually means nothing in reality. That he has shared more of himself with me than he will ever share with her or anyone else, and how stupid it is of me not being able to see it. [...] He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could :( [...] he gladly makes her his girlfriend, when she says she wouldn't be able to stay otherwise, but when I express my needs, that are quite similar to hers (or actually even a little less) he gets upset.
Typical emotional manipulation!
 
I think his reaction to me leaving him is quite understandable when you know his background a little better. I also think he never really expected me to leave, although I think it was very likely and I never hid from him that I will leave if I don't manage to come to terms with the situation. So I guess it was quite a shock for him.

He wrote one more time and apologized for having called me an asshole. Obviously he has also given up his suicide plans. But he is still too disappointed to be able to have any contact with me. He also couldn't help but point out that she was ready to let me in her life and how much effort she had made for this, and I didn't want her in my life, and that this is unacceptable for him.

Well, I guess that probably means that she loves him more than I and/or I'm a lazy bastard when it comes to close relationships, and therefore he is really better off without me :p And actually, he should be happy that I never wanted to meet her, I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut about the things going on behind her back.
 
Well, hate to say it, but he will likely find someone else to cheat with. He hasn't understood what happened for you by the sound of it. Sad, all around just sad. :(
 
I started a comment on here yesterday, but my library-computer time ran out, and all my work was scrapped before I could punch the "submit reply" button.
That almost happened to me with that last comment. At least this time (in a different library) I got a message that I had one minute left, so that I could finish the sentence that I was typing and submit my reply, even if I didn't write all that I wanted to.
Unfortunetaly he didn't take it very well.
Purpurea, du bist eine WeltMeisterin der Untertreibung!
He called me an ungrateful asshole
This is pretty nasty.
He called me an ungrateful asshole for not being able to appreciate that he has given me all he could :(
And - I suppose - for not being able to appreciate his generosity in loving you at all. He seems to have an inflated sense of his own wonderfulness.
I guess he missed to take into consideration that I might have needs too, because to him it was logical that this is not a situation that someone couldn't handle.
It seems to me that he doesn't take into consideration the needs or feelings of anybody else... unless he can get some benefit out of doing so. What a spoiled brat!
He then texted me that without our relationship he thinks he really doesn't want to go on living, and then deleted my number afterwards.
More emotional manipulation, this time reaching the level of emotional blackmail. ["I might just kill myself... and it will be your fault if I do."]
I wonder how she would feel about it all if she knew it. Not only the physical cheating. I think he's cheating on her emotionally as well. I think, people who want a monogamous relationship usually wouldn't be happy to hear that being their girlfriend/boyfriend means "virtually nothing" to their partner.
This is the story that he told you: that she means "virtually nothing" to him. Considering the fact that he is a liar and a cheat, how can you be sure that he isn't lying to you? That he doesn't tell her that you mean "virtually nothing" to him?
Luckily, he didn't succeed to make me feel guilty. [...] I feel ok now. [...] it's fine. [...] I'm pretty much at peace with the situation. [...] But it's ok.

Thank you for your support and your opinions. It helped me a lot to find my own position, and especially to accept that I have limits and needs, and that it's ok to have them and stand up for them.
Once again: congratulations! It may have been a painful process, but at least you've learned some important lessons.
 
I don't know, I don't feel like talking bad behind his back. I think we should keep in mind that this is our opinion, and that someone making mistakes in a field they have literally no experience with, doesn't necessarily make them bad people in general. He definitely has done a lot for me and given me a lot of support in many situations throughout our relationship. And actually it doesn't matter if it was wrong or right what he did, I reached a personal limit here and therefore chose to walk away. Of course, I can understand that with more distance and just knowing my version of the story he might seem like a complete uncaring person. Yes, I also feel upset but isn't this more so because my feelings got hurt and I couldn't handle it?

Purpurea, du bist eine WeltMeisterin der Untertreibung!
Denkst du? :cool:

More emotional manipulation, this time reaching the level of emotional blackmail. ["I might just kill myself... and it will be your fault if I do."]
Especially as he hates when people try to make him feel guilty or even if they don't try, he tends to feel guilty very quickly. I told him that I felt sorry for feeling so bad that he doesn't want to go on living, but that I don't feel guilty for it.

This is the story that he told you: that she means "virtually nothing" to him. Considering the fact that he is a liar and a cheat, how can you be sure that he isn't lying to you? That he doesn't tell her that you mean "virtually nothing" to him?
No, he doesn't say she means nothing to him. What he says is that she means as much to him as I or that he might even be closer to me, because he has shown more of him to me (his sensitive side for example, and that making her his girlfriend and me his friend means nothing to him, in a sense that he might give her the title and a few extras I will not get, but that doesn't change how much I mean to him. And of course, with making her his girlfriend, he has given her the feeling to be extra special to him, although to him giving her this status was just a very practical tool to keep her close. I mean, it would have all come out when I had met her, and he really wanted me to meet her. I still don't believe he was or is really aware of what he has done, and would have been honestly surprised about the mess that me meeting her would have caused.
 
I woke up this morning, thinking about how much I love him. I wrote it to him, because I wanted him to know.

No, don't worry, I'm not going back :D I have found a line crossed in our relationship, and I'm not willing and able to give up my distance until I feel comfortable with it. It is actually easier for me to feel my love for him now, that I'm back in my comfort zone. During our last weeks together I had felt desperate, depressed, restless or angry most of the time. I guess I don't love people for what they do for me or how much they meet my needs. This influences how close I want them in my life though, but I still feel the same amount of love for him and I see no reason to punish him and not let him know. I still think he deserves to be loved. It's maybe like when you have children, there will be situations when you need to show them your limits but it won't affect your feelings for them. Something like that.

Is it possible btw, to move this thread to the life stories & blogs section? And rename it also? Or is this against the rules and would cause too much confusion? I would like to go on writing about my journey through the poly jungle which will be different stories from this one. Like how I've recently gotten closer with my husband again. But I could also open a new thread and give a summary of this one in the beginning :)
 
I woke up this morning, thinking about how much I love him. ... I still feel the same amount of love for him and I see no reason to punish him and not let him know. I still think he deserves to be loved.

I look at it this way: When we love someone, we let them close enough to touch the love that is already within us. By touching that pool of love, they essentially have forged a path to our heart. That path will always be there; that love will always be there. Love never dries up. With time and distance, however, weeds and wildflowers start to grow over it. This is healing. And the path, then, becomes no longer visible. We eventually don't walk down that way anymore. But it's still there, underneath the thicket of tangled vines. So it's not a question of deserving love or not; all humans deserve to be loved. It's just a fact that the love is there, you shared it with him, and now you move on and do not walk that path again. There is no reason to think you shouldn't love him anymore because the relationship is ended.
 
Yes

I feel for you. You have a "friend" that is stringing you a long. You are cheating on his girlfriend and he is using you for sex because he "can't control himself"... how long that will last is until he loses interest in the sex I think. The thrill of cheating or the thrill of it being under the table perhaps?... I would suspect that he is full of shit and you are enjoying his "I can't keep my hands off of you" bit... that is really quite sad and I wish for you that you find someone that is willing to cherish you in your entirety once you get your act together and act with some integrity.

Agreed!
 
Thanks Regallion ;)

I'm still thinking about whether or not I should let her know about the things going on. I have found a way to contact her and I feel bad about knowing that she probably doesn't know what was going on behind her back. I think she deserves to know the truth.

On the other hand, I think she wouldn't believe me anyway. I would not recommend her to leave him though. I would just tell her the facts, the things that happened and what he said to me, so she could make up her own mind whether or not she wants to believe me, and if yes, if this is a situation she wants to be in.

And I'm also concerned about him, just in case she decides to leave him. I know it would hit him extremely hard to lose her too, and I have no clue what would happen then. I really don't want to take revenge, I love this guy, and I actually hope that she could forgive him.

No one else knows about this story, the long distance makes it easier to hide things from other people, and I guess he won't tell her everything, or only his version of the story which might be a tiny little bit different from mine. I feel responsible somehow to let her know, at the same time I'm worried about the outcome.

What would you do? :confused:
 
Oh, dear. Well, personally, I would also be very tempted to contact her, yet ultimately I think I would have to leave it alone and walk away. They are two adults who will let whatever dramas they create together play out. She may not know everything but she is a grown-up and responsible for her involvement. Unless she were in a dangerous situation, I don't think you owe her any warnings or explanations.

You have ended the relationship and I think going back to talk to her is a sort of roundabout way for you to hold onto it. It will be very freeing, I think, to walk away and not occupy your mind with thinking about her, or him.
 
But as soon as we are together, I feel like shit, knowing that the only reason why we don't have sex is her. And that really, really hurts. And I've realized that I'm not willing to let go of this hurt now.

I've just read through this thread tonight, and have felt conflicted one way or another many times - I agree with some of your points even though they wouldn't work for me. Almost commented a few times, but thought I'd wait til I got to the end. Alas, I am only on page 7, and I am guessing that a lot of what I'm commenting on has been resolved, but it's getting late ;) so I am going to act as if it hasn't before finishing.

I am glad there may be a chance for an open and honest relationship, and at least there are lots of threads on cheating becoming poly that both you and he might want to read. Very good to hear he was honest with her (mostly) and I imagine trying to decide if she is told about the sex is going to be a hard decision, though I imagine it would eat away at me personally - lets say 10 years from now you are all still together and best friends and she finds out then. Hard choice that.

I decided this would be the best thing to respond to, because I think the gist of what I was feeling was that the girlfriend was getting the short end of the stick, and having her choices taken away from her due to dishonesty on his part. I got the impression you thought it was her fault.

I also thought that looking at things in terms of personal responsibility - well I thought you were a bit skewed in overlooking some of the things he was responsible for, because you love him so much, you were seeing him with rose colored glasses.

The only reason you weren't having sex, is HIM. It is his choice, it is not her fault. He could have sucked it up and talked to his gf and tell her what he really wants (which it is great he has now). He could have kept having sex with you, and if he shared YOUR views about how the sex (and consequential lying) doesn't hurt his gf, then he would probably would have.

The truth is he felt sleeping with you was wrong because it's betraying an agreement he made with FREE WILL, and it was hurting somebody. He feels shitty about himself for it, and it may cause him to act shitty to her because he feels so guilty (speaking from being on the crappy end of being cheated on AFTER my ex and I became poly). It is hard for some people to be loving to someone when you can't be honest with them - my husband certainly acted worse and worse to me in the 9 months after he cheated, because he was being eaten up with guilt. Might want to talk to your friend about if he is feeling like that, and if so, address the cheating with his gf sooner than later.

Oh my point? Let people own their own actions. If you do work out a poly relationship with him, he will make decisions you don't agree with, and if he is being passive and agreeing to things he doesn't mean like he did with monogamy...don't forget they are HIS choices nevertheless. Blaming metamours for what is your partner's decision will not be helping anybody.

I will keep my fingers crossed that things work out for the best of all concerned.
 
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I'm still thinking about whether or not I should let her know about the things going on. I have found a way to contact her and I feel bad about knowing that she probably doesn't know what was going on behind her back. I think she deserves to know the truth.

OK finished! Purpurea - that would be utterly selfish of you, in the way that it would be (no matter how you would like to deny it) vengeful. If you wanted her to know what was going on behind her back, where was this nobility while you were having sex with him? You thought it wasn't her business then, so making it her business now is very self centered. (Although I think she should know she can't trust him...so maybe I would say to tell her, but I wouldn't act like I was doing it out of any sense of morality) My only caveat to this is if you and he were having unprotected sex - then her knowing the risks that he will be cheating on her and risking STI's is something she should be aware of.

Sorry he treated you so badly when you told him it was over. But this is a good reason why honest and open communication is such a good thing to have in a relationship, and why it's good to make sure your partners are practicing it with each other.

(nycindie - ten pages here - practically I might want to get more posts per page, but when I think about it, parsing out a shorter page at a time helps me take breaks and digest in smaller chunks what I'm reading and to think about if anything is helpful to me. I really should check out my user cp options though!)
 
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