I've been having a really hard time lately. The antidepressants I started taking went sideways and I started to feel like a zombie. It was nearly impossible to get out of bed and I had responsibilities like taking care of my son. I knew it wasn't supposed to be even harder than it was before so I stopped taking them and felt normal for a couple of days and now I'm spiraling back pretty hard. I'm supposed to see my doctor this week so hopefully we can figure out a way to help me. I'm not used to feeling this utterly awful and hopeless- it's like my drop, but hugely magnified and not only can't I get out of my own head, but my usual coping mechanisms like a scalding hot shower and sleep aren't helping.
I feel overwhelmed. Stopped responding to life for a week or so. You wouldn't believe how many emails and texts and private messages on various sites can pile up in a week! Then looking at that pile became even more overwhelming. I did manage to deal with it, but then it's not like I really accomplished anything because that wasn't anything that I wouldn't have done anyway.
I've been pretty much putting my kid to bed at his usual time, having dinner, then spending the night in bed. Sometimes with chocolate. A lot of chocolate. I'm handling my stress and misery by self medicating with food. I've gained a lot of weight but I feel like I'm not up to trying to start counting calories or exercise again. I barely have the energy to do things I absolutely have to do, like take care of my child, feed him reasonably balanced meals, do his laundry, and keep up with his school issues.
I haven't been able to see either Jennifer or Henry for a while, although we've been keeping in touch. I'm still feeling disconnected, although I suspect it has more to do with me than with the actual state of our relationships.
And under it all, I'm really lonely. I am aware that I've been using this thinking about a new primary to try and cope with the current pain I'm suffering from my divorce. But sitting at home by myself every night is wearing on me hard. I don't have the money to get a babysitter for more than the occasional night out (I try to attend our local munch monthly) and no one to trade childcare with otherwise. Before, even when my stbxH was gone on the road, I was lonely but I knew someone was coming back. Now, I don't have anyone coming back to me. And my self esteem got crushed pretty hard by stbxH, and in my dark moments it's hard not to believe at least some of it.
Oh, and probably none of those interesting irons in the fire actually will amount to anything. I know it shouldn't bother me because c'est la vie, but the letdown was pretty hard.
I'm just tired. And lonely. And stressed. I don't like that I feel like I have no control over a lot of aspects of my life and I can't change that. I don't do well not being in control- it gives me a sense of security, and it's why I'm Dominant FFS! But I can't change the way some of my family members behave and I can't cut them out of my life. I can't make stbxH pay the financial support he should or treat me with even basic respect or common courtesy. I can't make my health problems go away. I can't plan for finances while I'm waiting for the upheaval to settle down.
I just want to go to bed for a long, long time. Or run away and hide and sit on a beach and drink pina coladas. And then I get a visceral rage and jealousy that stbxH could just go and do that because he's got plenty of money and in fact instead of a couple of days or a week, he went for a month. Must be fucking nice to just do what you want and never worry about the consequences. I would never want to live my life that way and my kid is an amazing person, but a little while would be nice. Just to get my head back on straight.
I feel overwhelmed. Stopped responding to life for a week or so. You wouldn't believe how many emails and texts and private messages on various sites can pile up in a week! Then looking at that pile became even more overwhelming. I did manage to deal with it, but then it's not like I really accomplished anything because that wasn't anything that I wouldn't have done anyway.
I've been pretty much putting my kid to bed at his usual time, having dinner, then spending the night in bed. Sometimes with chocolate. A lot of chocolate. I'm handling my stress and misery by self medicating with food. I've gained a lot of weight but I feel like I'm not up to trying to start counting calories or exercise again. I barely have the energy to do things I absolutely have to do, like take care of my child, feed him reasonably balanced meals, do his laundry, and keep up with his school issues.
I haven't been able to see either Jennifer or Henry for a while, although we've been keeping in touch. I'm still feeling disconnected, although I suspect it has more to do with me than with the actual state of our relationships.
And under it all, I'm really lonely. I am aware that I've been using this thinking about a new primary to try and cope with the current pain I'm suffering from my divorce. But sitting at home by myself every night is wearing on me hard. I don't have the money to get a babysitter for more than the occasional night out (I try to attend our local munch monthly) and no one to trade childcare with otherwise. Before, even when my stbxH was gone on the road, I was lonely but I knew someone was coming back. Now, I don't have anyone coming back to me. And my self esteem got crushed pretty hard by stbxH, and in my dark moments it's hard not to believe at least some of it.
Oh, and probably none of those interesting irons in the fire actually will amount to anything. I know it shouldn't bother me because c'est la vie, but the letdown was pretty hard.
I'm just tired. And lonely. And stressed. I don't like that I feel like I have no control over a lot of aspects of my life and I can't change that. I don't do well not being in control- it gives me a sense of security, and it's why I'm Dominant FFS! But I can't change the way some of my family members behave and I can't cut them out of my life. I can't make stbxH pay the financial support he should or treat me with even basic respect or common courtesy. I can't make my health problems go away. I can't plan for finances while I'm waiting for the upheaval to settle down.
I just want to go to bed for a long, long time. Or run away and hide and sit on a beach and drink pina coladas. And then I get a visceral rage and jealousy that stbxH could just go and do that because he's got plenty of money and in fact instead of a couple of days or a week, he went for a month. Must be fucking nice to just do what you want and never worry about the consequences. I would never want to live my life that way and my kid is an amazing person, but a little while would be nice. Just to get my head back on straight.