Vicki's Journey

I've been having a really hard time lately. The antidepressants I started taking went sideways and I started to feel like a zombie. It was nearly impossible to get out of bed and I had responsibilities like taking care of my son. I knew it wasn't supposed to be even harder than it was before so I stopped taking them and felt normal for a couple of days and now I'm spiraling back pretty hard. I'm supposed to see my doctor this week so hopefully we can figure out a way to help me. I'm not used to feeling this utterly awful and hopeless- it's like my drop, but hugely magnified and not only can't I get out of my own head, but my usual coping mechanisms like a scalding hot shower and sleep aren't helping.

I feel overwhelmed. Stopped responding to life for a week or so. You wouldn't believe how many emails and texts and private messages on various sites can pile up in a week! Then looking at that pile became even more overwhelming. I did manage to deal with it, but then it's not like I really accomplished anything because that wasn't anything that I wouldn't have done anyway.

I've been pretty much putting my kid to bed at his usual time, having dinner, then spending the night in bed. Sometimes with chocolate. A lot of chocolate. I'm handling my stress and misery by self medicating with food. I've gained a lot of weight but I feel like I'm not up to trying to start counting calories or exercise again. I barely have the energy to do things I absolutely have to do, like take care of my child, feed him reasonably balanced meals, do his laundry, and keep up with his school issues.

I haven't been able to see either Jennifer or Henry for a while, although we've been keeping in touch. I'm still feeling disconnected, although I suspect it has more to do with me than with the actual state of our relationships.

And under it all, I'm really lonely. I am aware that I've been using this thinking about a new primary to try and cope with the current pain I'm suffering from my divorce. But sitting at home by myself every night is wearing on me hard. I don't have the money to get a babysitter for more than the occasional night out (I try to attend our local munch monthly) and no one to trade childcare with otherwise. Before, even when my stbxH was gone on the road, I was lonely but I knew someone was coming back. Now, I don't have anyone coming back to me. And my self esteem got crushed pretty hard by stbxH, and in my dark moments it's hard not to believe at least some of it.

Oh, and probably none of those interesting irons in the fire actually will amount to anything. I know it shouldn't bother me because c'est la vie, but the letdown was pretty hard.

I'm just tired. And lonely. And stressed. I don't like that I feel like I have no control over a lot of aspects of my life and I can't change that. I don't do well not being in control- it gives me a sense of security, and it's why I'm Dominant FFS! But I can't change the way some of my family members behave and I can't cut them out of my life. I can't make stbxH pay the financial support he should or treat me with even basic respect or common courtesy. I can't make my health problems go away. I can't plan for finances while I'm waiting for the upheaval to settle down.

I just want to go to bed for a long, long time. Or run away and hide and sit on a beach and drink pina coladas. And then I get a visceral rage and jealousy that stbxH could just go and do that because he's got plenty of money and in fact instead of a couple of days or a week, he went for a month. Must be fucking nice to just do what you want and never worry about the consequences. I would never want to live my life that way and my kid is an amazing person, but a little while would be nice. Just to get my head back on straight.
 
Hi Vicki82. Sorry you're getting slammed with so much difficult stuff at the same time. I just want to say that I know from personal experience that it takes a lot of trial and error to arrive at a combination/dosage of meds that actually helps. I think people tend to have very unique body chemistries and because of that, meds that would help one person will actually hurt another person (who has the "very same condition"). So don't be afraid to tell your doctor, "Look doc, I tried the prescription but it just wasn't helping me, in fact it made things worse." Examining how the meds affected you may help your doctor take his/her next guess of what you should try. And it is an educated guess.

Just to make that guess, doctors have to know an awful lot, because there's sooo many medications out there, plus new medications are always being developed. Don't be afraid to educate yourself. If you hear about a medication that you think might help you, don't hesitate to mention it to your doctor and ask what s/he thinks. Two heads working on the problem can be beneficial versus one, even if you're not a doctor. Tons of information can be combed from the web these days. Wikipedia alone has tons of info about various meds.

I don't have many answers for your other problems. I know life can get terribly lonesome, especially when you don't have a primary partner to turn in with at night (and turn to when you're in a jam). You can of course vent whenever you need to here on the forum, but I know that doesn't actually solve your problems. :(
 
Well, nycindie, you were right. I went out on a few dates with Nathan and there was just too many little things that bothered me. He's nice enough and we still chat but I made it clear that friends is now all I'm looking for.

As for Thomas, he finally explained what his issue was about dating a woman who has kids already. Apparently he had a friend who got accused by a stepchild of sexual assault and it destroyed his life, so he doesn't want to get involved in case something like that happens. Which totally blows my mind, but whatever. I just wished him good luck finding what he's looking for.

Things are continuing to be stressful. My doctor's appointment was moved out nearly three weeks because she didn't come in the day I was booked. My emotions are pretty volatile but I am okay. My counsellor says she thinks I am doing pretty well because I am continuing to live. I'm taking care of my house and my child, and at least to a degree, myself. I am still seeing my friends and my support network. I have two amazing relationships that survived the carnage. I didn't see all those things as successes, but she helped give me another perspective, and I think the validation really helps.

StbxH is still trying to fuck with me. No child support and he even tried to actively sabotage my contact with our mediator. It's ridiculous. I still can't believe I was with this man for 14 years. I feel like I don't even know him. And yesterday I just had a tidal wave of grief for my marriage. I mean, things were good right up until that last year. And all the sweet moments that I have with Henry or Jennifer... I had similar ones with stbxH. And it really hurts. It dropped this cloud on me about how can I trust anyone since the words they say one day might not be true the next, and that's scary. And I say that, while knowing that Henry and Jennifer have never given me any reason not to trust them, and have always been there for me when I needed them. But stbxH started out that way, too. And I guess I am finally ready to mourn that loss. I don't want to though. I want all the hurt feelings and pain to just go back in that nice little box. I read an article on FL yesterday and it just triggered all the grief.

But that kind of brings me to the next thing on my plate. Henry and I have known for a while that his work contract is ending, and also that his lease is expiring and that he won't be renewing it. With his health situation going on, his doctor does not want him working full time, so he is going to have to go back on social assistance pending the outcome of a disability case. With finances being that tight, he won't be able to afford Greyhound tickets to come to my city. That would mean we could maybe see each other once a month, if that. It'd be really hard to keep our connection in that case.

So, he asked me what I thought of him moving into my house.

I know we've both been thinking about it without really talking about it. Even with him bringing it up that night when he was tired, we didn't talk about it. It was just an acknowledgement that he'd been thinking about it. There have been so many nights I wished he was here. We've spent large blocks of time together, so I'm not worried about our compatibility in that sense.

But, I'm scared. StbxH just walked out Dec 22. I have barely gotten used to being on my own. And this leaves me feeling so incredibly vulnerable. My son loves him, so that's one less thing to worry about, and I think that will be OK.

We've had a really long talk where we brought up all our insecurities about it. I felt better knowing that he was scared too, for some reason. I mean, his worries are different from mine, but just as legitimate. He's leaving his city, which has all his friends and connections and hobby stuff, and moving here where he's got no connection but me.

I'm just still feeling that tidal wave of emotion about how my marriage had all those good moments, too. And that builds fear even though I trust him. But I trusted my stbxH too, and I know he used to love me. And I'm also scared because I don't know how to do the roommate thing. And we have to go into more detail about what kind of shape this is going to take and stuff because I still need some space and I bet he does too. And we talked about what will happen when my girlfriend comes over and stuff. But there's definitely more to talk about.

I'm scared. I said yes because I love him and I know we're good for each other. I talked to my counselor about it and she asked me a few questions and when I asked her what she thought, she said sometimes you have to roll the bones and see what happens. I think she is right. It doesn't take away the fear, but hopefully time will help with that.

I do love him. And I know he loves me. My girlfriend agrees that as long as we keep communicating and talking about our feelings that we'll make it work. After all, it's not like it can't be undone if it's not working. What we have really matters to me and I don't want to lose the connection. I know I'm a gambler... but this feels like a big one.
 
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Sounds like a reasonable gamble, though. To me.
 
It's funny how you assume some things can't happen to you. I'm an intelligent woman; the games that spouses play happen to other people, not me, right? But in one of my recent sessions with my counselor (who used to be our marriage counselor, which is awesome because she knows all about our situation plus she is poly/kink friendly), she pointed out how stbxH was gaslighting me, and she's right. There has been more than one time she's pointed it out, but half the time I didn't even notice because he indoctrinated me so thoroughly that I was wrong, until a similar situation came up in one of my other relationships and my partner actually handled it in a healthy way. It was just shocking to realize I'd fallen for it. And apparently he put doubts in me even deeper than I'd thought. I have a health condition that prevents me from working full time and I'm attempting to apply for disability. But he'd been telling me for so long that I was just lazy and using him as a meal ticket that even though it didn't rise to the level of consciousness, I think part of me started to believe him. So today while I was cleaning out my hall closet (I'm trying to see the plus side to this that I can clean and reorganize any way I like), I put in about two hours of work and then a wave of exhaustion just hit me and I couldn't do any more. I did most of it but still have a few things to put away and I didn't sweep the floor etc and now I just can't, and this was after having a four hour nap today. I cannot handle a "normal" life. I'm feeling ambivalent about the whole situation. I am validated because I knew that my health just can't cope with it and it's not that I was being lazy, but it really is hard to accept that this is the way I am and there isn't anything that can be done about it. And given that it's an invisible health condition, people do think that I'm just being lazy or it's something easy to fix, and it's not. Whenever someone says that, it just makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I don't understand how people can think that I'd want to miss out on half my life because I need to sleep so much, or that I like struggling for money on my own since I can't just go and get a job. But apparently malingering is their first thought, and that hurts.

StbxH hascome to see our son a grand total of once since he walked out Dec 22. And even then, the weekend he took him, I got a phone call at 8am the next morning because kiddo had been throwing up and stbxH wanted to know what to do and if he should bring him home. Seriously? *bangs head* I know he doesn't drive so seeing kiddo is harder, but he was the one who chose to make his primary residence in a different city. If he stayed in our city, he could easily bus over to see him. But eh, it just shows his priorities. He claims he is an involved and loving father... but he left because he didn't want the responsibility.

I think I finally hit the next stage in my emotional process and I've been grieving my marriage. You know, it's not like it was all bad. We were together for 14 years and only the last year was really not good. Once upon a time, we loved each other. And when I have these little intimate moments with Henry or Jennifer, I had those with stbxH too. It makes me feel jaded and afraid, because time changes people and situations, so how can you trust what someone says? I am not sure I believe in lifetime relationships anymore, and that makes me really sad. On the other hand, Henry has never given me any reason to doubt him, and in fact every single time we talk about an issue, he steps right up. I mean, when he called me one day when the meds I was on really had me messed up and depressed, he noticed and every single morning after that I woke up to a text that said some version of "Good morning beautiful, I love you." The time I mentioned to him I was feeling a little disconnected since we hadn't talked in a few days, I got a three hour phone call that night and noticed that he made more of an effort to find time for me even though he was busy. He's always been responsive to my needs, and I do trust him. But I have this generalized anxiety that I've been working on dealing with.

We had a long talk that night, because he's scared too, but for different reasons. He's leaving behind pretty much everything he knows and all his connections to move to a city where he has nothing but me. And he'll be living with a kid, and while he adores my son and vice versa, it's still a big change. I don't blame him for feeling scared about that. But what I do like is that we could talk about it all.

I talked to Jennifer about it as well, because I wanted to reassure her that even though Henry is moving in, that she is still important to me and that I have no plans to stop seeing her. They've met and everything was fine (we've even gone to BDSM parties together), and Henry volunteered that when she is here he's happy either to go out or to stay in his room so we can have our private time, too. She's been supportive and she thinks that this will be good for him and me.

I also had a session with my counselor (the one I mentioned above), where I discussed all my feelings because I wanted to see what she thought, since she knows all the background. She asked me some questions, like how I saw this changing our relationship. I said I wasn't sure. She gave me a Look and said, well, it's not like you're going to magically wake up one morning and know! I nodded and we kept talking, but her point really started to percolate in my mind.

Probably the biggest issue I've had since stbxH left was that I feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore, since I have to wait until we get all the divorce stuff straightened out before I can figure out how I'm going to manage and get some security in my life. Control and security are very important to me. So that comment she made gave me a real kick in the ass. She knows about our dynamic. I'm the Dominant in a lifestyle relationship, and I haven't been living up to my end of the deal. It's one reason why I think it's hilarious when people say that Dominants just take. If it's not mutual, something is wrong. It absolutely is my responsibility to start the negotiations for what the shape of our new relationship will look like. Absolutely he gets input, because he's a partner in it, but it's my job to guide those negotiations and make sure that we cover everything that we need to. I wound up sending him a long email apologizing that I have not been living up to my end of giving him his collar and that I feel like I am ready to step up again. So I sent him a long list of tasks I wanted him to accomplish before he moves here, and then a list of talking points that I wanted to discuss with respect to the shape of our new relationship, but I wanted him to have time to consider them first. We had also been planning for some time to attend a Master/slave conference early next month that discusses 24/7 and maintaining D/s in a primary relationship, and I think that will give us more to discuss as well. Henry suggested that we write some (vanilla safe) D/s into our lease, and that made me smile. I think he was waiting for me to be ready to assume control again, but he never once pushed me, and he took care of me these months when I wasn't able to. I really love him.

So that's kinda what's been going on with me lately. I am in for some changes, but I feel both like I am jumping off a cliff and hoping that I can fly, and that I am taking charge of my life again.
 
I can certainly empathize about the not being able to work full-time. I am on disability myself, due to mental/emotional disabilities/issues, and don't have a job. When I look in the mirror, I see a lazy man. But those closest to me don't give me any grief over it; they're very understanding. I think I'm lucky.
 
I think that some things are much easier to process academically.

So Henry isn't moving here until the end of the month, but a couple of his friends had a trailer today so they offered to move most of his stuff out here if he wanted to. He took them up on it but the day didn't really go as planned- they didn't get here until 8pm and he told me they had to leave right after they dropped off his stuff to get the trailer back in time. They were here for about an hour.

And I just found myself having an emotional meltdown. I didn't help him move his things. I just came into my room and sat there in the dark. My room has always been my safe place. He came to check on me a few times but he had to keep working with his friends to put everything in the room where he's going to keep his stuff of course.

I found myself unable even to make eye contact with him, so it's good that I was sitting in the dark. It didn't start off like that. When he got here I was happy. It's just as stuff starting coming in, I felt more and more overwhelmed. He didn't do anything wrong. I even showed him the sports jacket I had hanging in the closet for him, and I said in case we go somewhere nice someday. And he corrected me and said "WHEN we go somewhere nice."

It's just that I'm still hurting so badly over my marriage ending. I know I already wrote about it but sometimes the little stuff is just so hard. I mean, when I'm doing alone the stuff I used to do with him, he's the first person I wish I could tell about it. Or if I watch a movie I watched with him or think about things we used to do together, it hurts. I mean, we had fourteen years together. That's a huge part of my life. He knew me so well. Half the time I didn't even have to say what I was thinking; he knew. Or I could use words we had made up together and he knew what I meant. Hell, we even had a code for saying I love you in public when we wanted to be discreet.

I had just started to get used to being on my own. I mean, I was lonely... but I was trying to adjust to my new reality. I was trying to make positive steps. I want to do some redecorating to make the house more mine. I'm still seeing my counsellor. I'm cleaning and organizing so I can be proud of my home. I was considering starting to exercise again since I've been neglecting my health. I even started to feel like I could exercise my Dominance again and be more like myself.

And now I have another man living with me. And I love him but everything is going to be different. I'm not used to sharing my space like this. Or at least not anymore. I wasn't expecting it to hit me like this. I have been excited lately.

I'll be okay, I'm sure. But tonight I am a bit of a mess.
 
So a few interesting things have happened lately.

I had a date with Jennifer on the weekend, and it was so good to reconnect with her. I mean, we talk nearly every night but we hadn't had any naked time or playtime since January. That is way too long! We had a really good scene and then some vanilla sex in the morning and we both felt much better and more in touch with each other afterwards.

I also had my first mediation session with stbxH. I had been dreading it but did my best to be as prepared as possible. It went both better and worse than expected. I had a doctor's appointment booked for after, and at the office after they took my blood pressure and even three hours later it was sky high. Yay for negative stress effects!

But he tried to bait me and I didn't take it. A few times the mediator cut him off for bringing in marital issues and characterizing me, and I just sat there and didn't respond or else addressed the mediator that I didn't think that was appropriate or productive.

The other good point was that she cut through a lot of his bullshit, like not coming to see kiddo for two months, telling him that it is unreasonable of him to expect me to be instantly available to text, and that he'd better be exactly on time for the visitation we negotiated at my request. I pointed out that kiddo has been asking if daddy still is in his family and that he needs him in his life. StbxH hadn't even brought a calendar with him to be able to plan ahead and was affronted when the mediator agreed that things needed to be planned. He honestly believes that his schedule is more important and that we should just be available whenever he is. He was pretty ticked he couldn't have kiddo for his first choice of weekend since I had plans. And he fumed when he found out kiddo has swimming Friday evenings and t ball Saturday morning just like I figured he would. When I offered to let him go to t ball, he looked pretty taken aback. I don't think that's really what he wanted, especially when I said he needed to wear appropriate attire since he would be participating.

When she asked what we wanted to cover next, we both agreed finances. I don't think we are done with kiddo issues by far but at least kiddo will get to see him a little over the next few weeks. As soon as I brought up that I was uncomfortable going off previous tax returns and started talking about deductions (stbxH is self employed), he got vicious at me and then walked out. So I don't know what is going to happen now. We have an appointment for Monday because I mentioned that I needed to file my income taxes and the mediator agreed that was important and asked stbxH to comply.

So I don't know what's going to happen. I suspect money is going to be the trigger. The nice thing was when he kept pointing out what a horrible situation he was in for leaving and how he let me stay in the nice stable house, I didn't even have to answer and the mediator pointed out that I'm raising kiddo alone and that he needs the stability.

I guess it felt very validating. Once again, a neutral party is pointing out that everything isn't the way he's spinning it. I can't even really describe how much of a relief that is.

Both Henry and Jennifer and some friends checked in on me afterwards. I was a mess, but I survived, and I didn't let him get to me visibly, and I even told him that I'd like to have a more formal and distant relationship with him when he wanted to make small talk. So, I can recognize that these are very real accomplishments and I'm proud of myself for that.

I suspect going through mediation will help me with the grief process and put a bit more of a period to that part of my life. I still feel sad, but in a different way even than the day before. We had our good times, but I feel a sense of finality to the sadness. And I'm starting to regain confidence that I am doing the right thing. Funny how I am seeing positive things but that hour and a half was hell and I'm dreading going back.

Kiddo has been having a really hard time lately though. I've been trying to make it a safe space for him to talk about his feelings because I know how hard this must be on him. He has been misbehaving and when I get him to come sit with me and talk about his feelings when he calms down, he cries and says he misses Daddy. I can't blame him; he hasn't seen him in two months. I've had to field some tough questions but I try not to say anything that could remotely make stbxH look bad but sometimes it's hard. Kiddo asked me if I had wanted to stay married. I mean, how do I answer that? One of us looks bad no matter what. Kiddo is smart enough not to be fobbed off if I say it is grown up stuff. I wound up telling him the truth, that yes I did want to stay married. I didn't want him thinking that Daddy left because I made him leave or I've been keeping Daddy away. And I held kiddo and told him that I wish I could make him feel better and he hugged me back and said he wished I was magic. I remembered reading in a book about divorce that this is the one moment where you are totally helpless and know your child is in pain and you can't do a damn thing about it and it hurts like a motherfucker. And yeah, it does.

My counselor also wants me to pick apart why I freaked out on the weekend about Henry moving his stuff here. She called it a dog pile, which means that there's a lot of stuff all tied together and I should figure out specifically what things are bothering me so I can deal with it rather than walk away and throw my hands in the air. I have some thinking to do there before I see her next. It was weird, next time he will be living here. I give kiddo my ipad and send him to his room for the hour she is here (he knows I have some adult time then) so I joked I'll be sending Henry to his room too. My counselor offered to have him present if I wanted him there but I said I might still need to talk about him so it is better for me if he is not.

I think I just want things to settle down. I am really craving some security and stability right now. On the plus side, I picked a new paint colour for my bedroom so I can make the space more mine. I just want things to feel different now that stbxH is gone. I can't afford anything dramatic, but a coat of paint won't cost much. I know that's change, but it feels like the kind that makes me feel more secure.

I know it will be a long time before things finally shake out... and I'm stuck with stbxH in my life for a dead minimum of 13 more years unless he totally takes off. But I just want things to settle down. I want less stress and to be able to relax a little. Maybe having Henry here will help with that. I am just lucky to have two such awesome relationships to help me right now, and a great counselor.
 
Oh, Vicki, I can relate to so, so much of what you are writing about, regarding you and your stbx splitting up. When my separation was still very fresh, I was barely able to function and just sobbed in a lump on the couch all the time. I did this for about six weeks straight. I had terrible, suicidal thoughts. I was unemployed and broke when he'd moved out, and one day I was heading to a job interview and had to turn around and go back home after I had only walked two blocks because I was sobbing so hard I could not see through my tears. We had been together 12 years.

In my apartment, I was surrounded by all this... stuff that reminded me of good times, bad times, and just what we were together. I still sometimes come across something, like a stupid wine glass or a photograph, that makes me sad to see it. It took me about six months after our separation began to feel like I could date, but I was still a basket case when I think of those days. I would burst into tears while a lover was fucking me! My ex and I were monogamous, so there wasn't anyone I was already involved with. I had to face dating as a completely new experience, being a 50+ woman and unfamiliar with online dating and such.

Eventually, I started reclaiming my life and my apartment - I started doing freelance work that I liked, but I wasn't making much money so I had to sell almost all of my furniture to be able to pay my rent. I didn't want to, but it turned out to be a good thing because it was all too closely associated with my marriage in my mind. Then I hung up some "new" curtains that were in the back of the closet, painted the kitchen, and started getting rid of things. For example, I donated our set of dishes to the thrift shop. Every time I had used one of them, or even saw them in the cabinet, I remembered when we went to buy them after just getting married. I had to get rid of things like that to help me let go of the marriage and all my sadness about it. Creating new surroundings for myself really helped. We are officially divorced now, after 5 years of being separated, and I am still doing that little by little. New sheets, new blanket, going to paint my living room, things like that.

I would guess that when Henry was moving all his stuff in, the finality of your husband no longer being there was just hitting you hard. It served as a backdrop to how much your life has changed, and quickly, and how you can't go back to what it used to be. You see another person's stuff in the space where your husband's stuff was, and it's disorienting! If I had been in that situation, even though I had been starting to feel better and more accepting of the circumstances, I would be thinking things like "Shit, he's really not coming back." or "Hey, whose life is this? It can't be mine!"

It does get better. Therapy and friendships helped me through it. And some Band-Aid sex. Keep your friends close. You are strong and can get through this.
 
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Some days I feel like my emotions are being batted around like a Ping Pong ball. I mean, I had been planning to write about the mediation session I had on Monday, but I hadn't gotten around to it and now there's more I wanted to say. I am not sure how I can keep handling the swings and the roundabouts. I'm feeling buried under all the mixed feelings.

So I had mediation with stbxH, and it went better than I could have hoped. Surprisingly, after we got through visitation stuff when he seemed angry and frustrated and the mediator kept just repeating back to him that structure is important etc, it seemed like he relaxed a little. I'm really not sure what happened. I don't remember exactly which point it happened at (I had an overnight sleep study the night before, poor planning on my part, so I was exhausted), but it was a definite shift where suddenly he seemed more open to talking and negotiating. I feel like I must have said something, because we opened the financial talk with him saying we are so far apart he can't imagine it won't go to court and that he was planning to give a lawyer a retainer on Wednesday, and I said that's fine but let's settle what we can here. And then suddenly he seemed open to listening to me, said he was going to talk to his lawyer Wednesday and could we meet after to chat because if it's in the ballpark he will just say yes.

So I went into the lunch meeting all positive and then got slapped in the face. His offer was back at what he originally opened with, so it was a waste of my time. I found out his lawyer was calculating things incorrectly and pointed that out in case it would help with a settlement, but who knows. We have mediation again on Monday. I can't deal with this stress, it hurts.

I guess I should have expected it, but I did feel depressed afterwards. It's like I've been carrying around this weight and I thought I'd be able to put it down and I can't. For all you mythologists out there, I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus.

I'm also really starting to freak out about the whole Henry thing and it's starting to worry me. We hadn't spent any real time together since Easter when we made the decision for him to move here. I hadn't been asking for as many calls as I used to since I know he's been focused on wrapping up loose ends at work, and he's been feeling pretty drugged with the meds he is on for his health condition. Also, he says a lot of his friends are situational and he figures he won't see them much if at all once he leaves, so he's been spending a lot of his evenings out doing stuff instead of chatting. Which is great, and I want him to do that. But I have also been feeling a lot of trepidation. I've also recognized that it's not really something that talking to him will help with so I'm not even sure why I mentioned that there had been less contact. After every time he and I have talked I've had that same feeling and I'm even struggling to describe it. It's like reacting to something bad, but it hasn't been bad yet. And it's not going away.

He hasn't done anything. It's not like I'm reacting to anything to do with him. I mean, I won't deny that some of the things that I might feel are fundamental incompatibilities have come to the forefront of my mind, but I don't really think that's most of it. Those didn't even really hit my conscious mind until today again (I mean I did think of them before I said yes but they went to the back burner after that). He was here last night, dropped off the last of his stuff and spent the night with me. He went back to his city today for his last few going away parties and I'll see him Saturday for the D/s seminar (although his best friend's father died and the funeral is that day as well so he's going to have to miss some of it). And then he's either coming home with me Saturday night or going to stay with a friend to do hobby stuff Sunday and then come here then.

But even right now after spending the night with him and talking about most of the details, I'm feeling out of sorts. I talked to him about one of the things that was bothering me, which I know will come up eventually since we're both poly. I don't think that's the trigger either though. I let him know that I'm probably going to have a hard time with it at first if he brings other people here. We agreed to him using downstairs if he does (there's a bed in the basement) but I think it will be different than when stbxH brought his women over. It's weird that I feel like it will bother me more, especially since the answer I'd expect myself to give (security) definitely didn't apply.

I just don't feel that happy in love excitement around him now. I feel hesitant. I feel a lot of fear and anxiety. Negotiations still haven't helped sort through how I am going to feel- that I just have to wait and see how it'll be. I was happy to see him last night... but I didn't feel good the way that I used to. And writing that actually freaks me out a little because I felt a little hollow. That is not how I felt only a few weeks ago. But yet when he's gone I still wish he was here, and I want to talk to him and connect with him. I don't really understand that.

I guess I am having a hard time picking through the ball of wax. I don't know if having him here next week will bring me some enlightenment. At least we did finally get in that conversation face to face that I wanted.
 
I just don't feel that happy in love excitement around him now. I feel hesitant. I feel a lot of fear and anxiety. Negotiations still haven't helped sort through how I am going to feel- that I just have to wait and see how it'll be. I was happy to see him last night... but I didn't feel good the way that I used to. And writing that actually freaks me out a little because I felt a little hollow. That is not how I felt only a few weeks ago. But yet when he's gone I still wish he was here, and I want to talk to him and connect with him. I don't really understand that.
Be patient and kind to yourself, Vicki. You are in the midst of a great deal of upheaval and stress. You are dealing with heavy issues - financial, emotional, your sense of security, identity, where your life is going... it's disorienting, exhausting, frustrating, and confusing. It really is okay if you can't get it up to be happy about Henry or, well, anything, really. When I was first dealing with my separation, I remember having the thought that I would never smile again, that my face would literally be unable to smile. I felt so empty.

Joyful, fun times will return, but don't pay credence to the idea of that something must be wrong with you or your relationships right now. This is not the time to make major decisions or get into big discussions. You need to conserve your energy and to take care of your child and the details of your divorce. That's a lot to have on your plate, so don't pressure yourself or feel defeated if your emotions aren't lining up with where you'd like them to be.
 
There's more "stuff" going on, but I wanted to just write some thoughts for now. I'll do more of a concrete update later when I have more emotional energy.

I want to continue learning about myself and growing as a person as I continue through life. So I've been trying to look at ways that I can keep doing my share to have healthy relationships. I know I am lucky enough to have two awesome people in my life who make me happy, and I think those are the healthiest relationships I've had in a long time. I've been doing some examination to see what I'm doing differently, and what I can be doing differently.

I've noticed that I am making more of an effort to stay in the moment with Henry and Jennifer, even if they're talking about something that doesn't interest me. I remember that what they're saying has value to them, and consciously choose to be there for it. After all, I'm sure I talk about boring stuff all the time, and they are there for me. I can feel the different it makes when I'm choosing to be present in the moment with them and I can feel it giving validation to our connection. I'm glad that I'm paying more attention to things like that.

My counselor has also reminded me to verbally recognize when things are going well and not appear to be taking it for granted. I noticed that sometimes I'd feel happy about the way things went but not share that thought with my partners, and I need to do that. I want to show them that they matter to me and that they do make me happy.

I know that I am a good relationship partner. I'm loyal and I care deeply about people that I let myself get close to. I try really hard to make my partners happy and to act with the best interests of the relationship in mind. But if I can be better... then I want to be. I have amazing people in my life and amazing relationships, and I want them to continue to flourish, so that means being more mindful of my actions and the feelings of my partner as much as possible. Just because we're D/s doesn't mean that his input and feelings don't matter to me. We're still working on getting a contract laid out, but it will take time. For now though, that's okay.
 
Sounds like you're taking some good positive steps, and making some progress.
 
I'm still not really ready to basically list what's happened. It feels too much like work. Although I should at some point or I know that I will forget it before I write it down. But I've been too busy focusing on my feelings, so that's what's getting my mental energy. My health has gotten worse and I'm finding myself with a limited number of spoons.

I didn't realize how much happiness was missing from my life before, when I was with StbxH. I mean, I would have said I thought we had a pretty good marriage before all his changes, if not anything full of crazy passion or whatnot.

But lately, with Henry here, I'm actually waking up happy. I'm smiling all the time. I'm getting my needs met. I had a bemused expression on my face trying to explain it to the counsellor.

Being just "eh" had become my normal and I didn't remember life being anything else. I didn't remember that I could be happy like this all the time instead of blah or down. I didn't even notice anymore, and that says a lot.

While I still have a lot of stress and worry in my life, now I also have joy and love and active companionship rather than passive. I wouldn't go back for anything. I feel like I lived my life in black and white and now I've gone into Technicolour.

There's a whole big world there outside of the box that I had forgotten. Poly and bdsm helped me keep a toe in but I thought that those pockets of happiness were because it was a secondary relationship with no responsibilities. I forgot that love can be like this.

And it's been years since I had someone look at me and smile and tell me they love me whenever it crosses their mind. Which happens to be many times a day. It's so good it almost hurts.

I guess the little box I had built for myself was comfortable. I just didn't see how confining it was.
 
Sounds like poly is working out well for you. :)
 
So there's been just a LOT of drama this past month.

I'm pretty sure I gave enough indications to say that Henry moved in at the beginning of the month. Go figure, the one thing I was so worried and stressed about, and it didn't cause any drama at all. I had two breakdowns and a lot of mental energy wasted on it. We still don't have everything all sorted out and we're not even started on our D/s contract, but just having him here is good enough that I know we'll figure out how to make it work.

The sweetest thing was when kiddo was asking if Henry lives here. I felt terrible but I couldn't give him a straight answer because if he tells stbxH then it will be a fucking shitstorm when it comes to negotiating things because he's already made that clear to me. Anyway, I asked kiddo why he wanted to know and he said it's because he loves him and doesn't want him to go. I just melted. I told him not to worry, that Henry would be around. I still didn't clarify that damn question though.

Jennifer's life has been pretty stressful lately because she's working three jobs, trying to get her house ready to sell, and she's running a couple of poly munches as well. We haven't seen each other in a while and I miss her. She's also pretty heavily into NRE with a local guy and it's fantastic seeing her happy like that. She and I have never had trouble with compersion for each other; funny how it's different for both of us with male partners even though we consider our relationship serious.

And, back to stbxH. He's been such a douchebag lately. Abusive text messages, threatening to try and get me to pay half his back taxes, and just general assholeishness. I've been really stressed out lately.
 
No, not really. I am not in a situation where Legal Aid can help me but I also don't have any money to pay a lawyer. We've been going through mediation but stbxH cancelled the last session and hasn't booked a new one. Since he's paying for it, I'm basically just waiting to see what happens.

Best possible outcome is us working things out via mediation. If this goes to court, instead of costing less than $3k, it'll cost more like $30k. Neither of us has that money and I can't afford to give up any of my equity in my home or I run the risk of losing it.

I'm just fucked by the situation and waiting for his move, unfortunately.
 
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