Living Truthfully Within

Happy Holidays for everyone celebrating! I am having a good xmas this year for myself, first one I haven't been majorly depressed about for the last 2 years. That's good, 3 years to recover from MAJOR loss is not a bad record. It's definitely progress.

I found my fur baby. Pictures soon! :)

I got a chow chow and german shepherd mix rescue from the local centre.
Both breeds are active dogs; I named him Simba from the lion king because of his long mane around his neck and his beige colouring.

Chows coming originally from china, and one of the oldest breeds are not the most intelligent, but he favours the shepherd side in this and can be a little pushy and stubborn too. He's also kind of quirky, he likes to lay down to eat his food lol.

Day three and we've had successful bathing, training to sit, look and respond to his name. We had a learning curve experience of not yet being able to let him off a lead, he ran off down the road and we spent about 30 mins tracking him down in a neighbors yard (It was hard because its a junk yard and he didn't even have a name yet from us. And wasn't responding to the one the shelter assigned him.)

He's two years old, with a right hind leg injury, and I must say I dote on him quite a bit. :)

I am very excited to keep working with him and it gives me a lot of joy. Even the routine walks are fun, though kind of scary in the dark because I Worry about wildlife out here in a way I never had to in the UK. And not just animal wildlife. LOL.

But javelines, scorpions, snakes, bats, pumas, and killers spiders, are all real concerns here. Also rabbits that haven't gone to bed yet can be equally as starting when he tries to go running after them haha.

I'm now looking into apprentice grooming jobs, part time. With my mom working full time, my gran working full time and my step dad moving into full time engineer work, it'll be nice to be part of the contribution. I still have some cash floating around from art but I'm..So. Sick. of Commissions. I can't even explain how sick I am of them. I don't sell as much original pieces on their own, so, I need to do commissions if this is my only work, so I'm putting back into hobby status even though I was succeeding with the work side because I don't want to keep doing commissions. Ugh.

The gallery/ studio I was a part of, i left on really good terms, they gave me wonderful recommendation to add to my resume, and said I was welcome to show with them any time. This made me pleased. I came and went on my terms. That's more progress! I still miss them all there, but it was a good trial run, and I'm more certain than ever that my love hate relationship with art is just not good for business long term. You can't run a business if you actively hate it part of the time, and i've just done this too long for the wrong reasons. Sigh. It's taken a lot of back and forth over the years to come to this conclusion. I will always be an artist, I will always do art, but I am no longer giving a fuck if i'm commerical and I don't have the physical health to push to the level it would need to be "famous". I'd always be local "famous" artist. And I know many artists who put in 60-80 hours a week, and then only get famous or known out of pure luck of winning a competition. I've placed my hat in the ring many times but frankly i'm far to business minded for a true traditional artist. I care more about my bottom line than if the painting is done like the Dutch masters or French masters (depending what style i'm doing). And I know this shames my teacher, and also myself but honestly, I can't be running that rodeo anymore.

So back to doing art for me, and if it makes it more famous than now? Great. If not. That's cool. Plus theress some capital needed to do some of these conquests as all the ways to get into galleres/shows etc usually require shipping/entrance fees and if you win flights otu there for the show. I think it costs more to be an artist than anything you get in return to be honest.

So now for relationships updates.

I'm meeting up Ariel this week, on the 29th. We're having a movie, girl time and shes seeing my house and dog. She's my other truly poly friend in the area. I am still on good terms with her husband, but we aren't friends. We moved into friendly acquaintance. We talk about her two poly relationships, her job, our fur babies, our mutual travel plans. And I enjoy her company. :)


With the other ladies I don't find myself missing any of their company except Ariel which I'll be happy to continue outside of the group. I still talk to Mindy, the other lady I mentioned in the last post that I had mixed feelings about because of her boy problems, and immaturity, and also siding with the people who wanted to out me from the group in the first place last summer.
In other ways she seems nice, she works on a hotline to help people, and she doesn't seem to understand her behaviour is not wanted, so i don't think any of this is done in a place of malice but a place of unable to stand up for what's right and so wants to please all people and instead pisses people off inadvertently. Which seems like very weird behaviour for someone trained in therapy lol.

As for Rocky, we have been talking almost daily on text, and we have a skype date to watch a movie in january. I'm enjoying the comfort, but find myself expecting little in the way of responsibility on his part. There's no real way to show he's actively involving me in his life unless we use facebook and after stringing me along before i'm not keen to add "public humiliation" to my list of failures with him, so I have not broached the subject. Maybe AFTER he shows up here next year, IF he does, then we'll talk about it.

Still no desire to date anyone else, and I'm generally happy with our conversations. I Was able to be real, and we had a few phone convos too where I broke down crying about all this and he said he wished he could just hold me and he was very very sorry again. I said it was probably just emotional overwhelm by a lot of stuff, not just him. Which is hte truth after november trigger month.

In my spare time now, I dote on three dogs, clean, cook, spend time with family, think of the small things i'm grateful for. Rereading wheel of time series (on book 6), and play multiple saves of dragon age origins with different types of personalities. Some men, some women, some chaotic neutral, some bad, some good. All with different love interests. Wish this game had been progressive and allowed poly instead of dialogues that make you choose early on. and a shame morrigan doesn't like women or can't be persuaded to. lol.

Oh and last but not least, I spoke to Rosebud today, for xmas, and Shooting star spent 30 mins talking to me. I managed to field and redirect all intentionally incitive conversation points she said, and that went...if not good Ok.

It's difficult for me to explain her communication style other than...hostile? She says things like "I wish Rosebud hadn't forgiven you, because t would be much easier on her with me if she hadn't. I hate that she's forgiven you, I won;t."

"I find you incredibly weak and pathetic, you really can't do anything right, and God forbid if you say anything in retort to that I'm hanging up." And yes she uses words like retort.

I guess its hard to stay upset on my end when i'm proud of her language. But i'm hurt she hates me so much. I get it - in her mind I abandoned her. But she also knows the reasons? the lease on my house was up, I wasn't approved for future housing arrangement through the government. But the system there won't allow you to move up in the world without help from others, and if you don't have that the only choice in the government. That's why so many people live at home till their 30's there and save up to buy a home. So I looked at my options and chose a home in america. I also wasn't going to spend another xmas away from them and my family; I'll have plenty of that sort of alone time when I am older and my kids are grown and my family are no longer around- why would I subject myself to that now when I can at least spend some more years left with them? I love my grandma in particular dearly and it's helped this xmas a lot to be living with her. :)

But we spoke so that's something, and as usual my convo with Rosebud was wonderful, she chatted on and on about her gifts and travels and multiple xmas' celebrations (I think 4 of them.)

Life in mostly good. :)
 
Almost a month to day from when Rocky asked me to be back with him and I set the ground rules, I ended it.

Basically, he is doing the same things he did before.
Won't schedule time to talk, only texts never calls. Won't keep commitments like date night once a month. Wanted to "reset" the relationship to beginning, as if we didn't have all that history.

Went 8 days without hearing from and that was the last straw. I only messaged him once per day during that time to go "Hey, how are you? Are you ok?" The further along it went the more worried I got something bad had happened.

Only to find out he has been sick, but that felt like a lie/excuse because he was still working. And he saw my texts and chose not to respond.

His idea to contact me to get back together, his idea to add expectations and then he drops the balls. What a dick move. And after all that sappy bullshit.

It's a good thing I didn't put much into this. I don't even want to be friends at this point, in fact if I never talk to him again it will be too soon.

:mad:


But in good news I talked to Shooting Star on my weekly chats, and she wants to resume regular contact and relationship with me. :D
I am so glad I left that and let her work it out her own way and time instead of pushing. It was exactly the right thing to do with her temperament. :) And I really enjoyed my time with her today. I think she did too. She was certainly all smiles.


In other news, I'm so in love with my dog, and I'm happily single. Until my health clears up, which has been REALLY awful this winter, I'm not dating or working. I think i've been on and off sick since October. I think my CFS/ME is having a spell for the worse right now, and I really went down hill, and just turning a corner from it now. It's not somethign pleasant to talk about, and quite frankly boring. I've lost 10 pounds, not even trying just nasuea and unable to eat much. I've had near constant migraine, and unable to bear light or sound. Some days are worse than others. I'm trying to do gentle pilates on my good days and that is helping back issues, but not fatigue or stomach issues.

If this carries on by february i'll go to a doctor, but right now I know my body well enough t oknow its CFS/ME related and theres really no point seeing anyone, theres no cure and I have no money to do anythng about any of possible treatments to allievate anyway and i'm allergic to almost all medications, even weed (makes me hyper).

So, I'm not trying to be a downer but posting during those times is boring. It'd be like this: Today I slept all day and all night. I ache. I have nightmares and night sweat, my lower BP is high today. Today I feel anxious about being alive becuase I am so ill all the time. Today my dog stayed by me all day and refused to leave except to pee and eat, and licked my hands and face, and curled up on my feet. Stuff like this.

My life is really boring right now. I do a lot of movie watching as right now I cant do much reading, writing or games. I also cant do long walks, my max is 5-10 mins. I'm in a very physically bad place and I hope it gets better soon. I have no idea when or if it will. I hope this is just a relapse and not worsening.
 
I certainly hope you start to feel a bit better soon! It is great that your relationship with Shooting Star is improving.

As for Rocky. . . . is there really ANY point in expending any more energy on him, ever?
 
So it's been almost a month since I last posted. Somewhere in that time, slowly slowly, things started to turn around. My health slowly got better, and I slowly started to rejoin the land of the living.

I was able to start socialising limitedly, at first, once a week which is still what i'm keeping it at. And to take longer walks. I also cut out soda and alcohol completely and bought some vitamin D3 and liver cleansers. My migraines passed, and I started eating the way I normally ate before coming to america. Less sugar, more white meat fish and eggs, salads and skipping meals. It helped I've not been able to eat much anyway so I got to reset my palate.

this week was I well enough to start cleaning and doing normal routines again. :)

I went to a board game party with 20 people yesterday and that was a big deal.
I met more poly people who I didnt know were. Seems we have quite a few in the larger social circle. I reconnected with Ginger after she appologised for her behaviour, apparently during that time she was having a personal emotional crisis stemming from always identifying as gay her entire life to now having been with a man for the first time. So, having understood why she was so erratic I chose to forgive and hope it doesn't happen again.

I am meeting up with a man who is poly this week...not as a date as such, more hanging out with him and his roommate. I know her through mutual social circles and I'm quite excited about expanding my own social circles. He runs quite a few games groups and is quite a bit older than me, by about 10-12 years. But I don't mind because he is very funny and young at heart and I think there's an attraction but its been so long since I have been with anyone (Almost a year!!) that i'm a bit nervous about being sexual with anyone.

We're both sapio sexuals an since I have done too many casual things I'm quite happy to take this slow. We'll see how long my libido lasts, it might actually come out of hiding!

In other news, my girls are still doing well. I miss england. The house I am in is going goo, we have been doing repairs and upgrades. One of the big ones is treating termites since you have to dig around the entire property and put own a treatment because the termites live in the ground and only come up during the wet season.

OH i forgot i've also started talking to a guy who is a friend of a friend online. We all play the same online games together (not just wow but league and steam, and a few others...HoTS stuff like that), and I'm really enjoying his company, hes in the northwest so long distance but there's definitely a flirtationship there and he's very close to my age, cute in a clark kent with glasses kinda way :D I really like him. :)

So..if these go anywhere I'll give them names. Most like the guy I'm seeing on friday will get a name regardless if anything happens because they are best friends with my best friends. So i'll have to keep things cool between us regardless- :) But i'm learning how to do this!

Hey that would be 2 times this week meeting up. Yay some more progress.

I'm looking at March to start work again after my grandma's two surgeries and regardless of outcomes.

She's getting a biopsy on her lung and knee surgery. Eeep. I'm learning to cope in the heavy and balance it with the light good times. Adulting is finally happening in my thirties.
 
I certainly hope you start to feel a bit better soon! It is great that your relationship with Shooting Star is improving.

As for Rocky. . . . is there really ANY point in expending any more energy on him, ever?

Hey Powerpuffgrl,
Thanks so much. Yes I have stopped expending energy theres just the small face he has a few boxes of mine in the uk and my other support network lost her son very recently so its bad timing to ask her to pick the boxes up for me. I need to give her much more time for that. So thats the only reason i have been really keeping him on my good side as it were.

Yes things with ShootingStar are still going really well, were doing youtubes together :D

I miss them a lot but life is mostly good despite that. :)
 
Well the local guy is going no where fast...
We been texting and he keeps dropping not so subtle hints about kissing and flirting, this really put me off as I specifically stated I want to be friends first :(

Now he's taken to calling me ma'am. Ugh. :eek:
I'm neither older, nor a teacher, nor his mother...I'm also not a domme and if I were, i'd be Misses- not Ma'am. Such an antiquated use of a term to call anyone. And frankly just lazy to learn names. :p

Reminds me of a male friend who calls all guys "boss".

Anyway, the online one is going surprisingly well! I shall name him...Xavier.

He asked to call (!!) an ACTUAL phone conversation instead of texting. whoa. And he called on time :O AND during his work time, (lunch break) AND talked about the actual logistics of a real relationship. Whoa it was so much goodness in one moment of clear honest communication I thought I might have an orgasm right there.

It's been SO long since I had such clear communication with a romantic interest. God it makes me so grateful he's not Rocky.

Then he asked if he could call again before I went to bed, I said any time before 9pm and he did! he called around 7, we spoke for about an hour. :eek:

Well, I'm very happy with this. Why can't my real life conversations with men be so direct? Seriously, I've been dealing with some un-suitable matches here in my new hometown. :rolleyes:
 
My respect for Xavier just went through the roof!

So, we decided to be each others valentine!

.... and in the moment of sharing, Xavier told me he had told our mutual friend (Gamer) about his crush on me. Then he asked if it'd be ok to pursue me since I have been friends with Gamer for a very very long time.

I was so relieved Xavier said something to Gamer! and I told Gamer I would be brave and say a similar sort of thing to Gamer too. :eek:

Am I finally moving past unavailable men? Am I finally becoming available?

Also Xavier spontaneously sent me a gift in the mail for V-day. I don't know what to do in return. Our conversations run all over the place, from silly to serious to sitting in silence. There's also another really good tick in the box, we have a very similar sense of humour. :)

I have no idea where this is going, but we're both feeling pretty excited to try and we're on similar wave-lengths at this point in time. Plus it still allows me to have a romantic interest and keep my commitments here. I'm happy with this so far. Who knows what the future holds.. :)
 
So, It's been a weird winter. Not as bad as 2016/17 but weird nonetheless.

I mentioned here about owning a home for the first time. However, I dont actually make the payments, my family do.

I aggreed to do this, to be the sole owner of the home, and use my credit because my families credit wasnt good enough to own a home anymore because of a bad business deal that happened and two people with cancer/bills.

So, basically, I'm doing this and the simbiotic part is me taking care of my grandma. Who really at the moment doesnt need help, but will next months. She is in her lat e70's, close to 80 and although she's sharp as a tack, she's had cancer multiple times, and many many surgeries. And they just found a spot on her lungs as I mentioned before.

So my role is be caretaker and I put up with my my own mother for my grandma. My grandma lost her other daughter 3 years ago (my moms sister and my aunt), and so she needs to be around family right now.

It makes us both in a unique position of being super empathetic. Our two houses run so differently. Mom wants to be the queen bee where everyone caters to her, but my dad doesnt do this. And so she gets grumpy and upset becuase my grandma did this for her when the house was shared. Now I help grandma, and not mom, and do my part in this house. Our house s like, a tiny cottage of happy feels. We are peaceful together, and I although I am not my hedonistic self, I am happy with my time with grandma and the trade off of putting up with my mother for the ownership of a house.

The thing is, shit will hit the fan when grandma dies. I have to prepare for this as aweful as this sounds to be writing about it here. It has been a long time goal of mine to be able to provide for grandma latero n for all she did for me as a kid. Seriously if it werent for her I would have been far more messed up than I am now. She is my mom, and I love her unconditionally. I put up with my bio-mom for the sake of my grandma's happiness. Poly taught me a lot how to deal in people I may not nessecarily want around because I care about the person I love.

So anyway, I've felt kind of overwhelmed by this thought and a need to find a job pressing on my conscience. When grandma dies, one of two things will happen. Either my mom will be so heartbroken she passes as well, or she will recover from grief and be a living terror to be around. I cannot see any other solution to this unless my kids are some how factored in, if they are here then I see option number three, she goes dilusional and starts relating to my kids (specifically shooting star) as her own child.

Hers another good example of her insanity.
We're all a combined income. We all contribue to the family business even thouggh I didnt want to get involved I did anyway, for this house. So now I'm in a penny in a pound. Fuck.
But anyway, So, I do the artwork, i help wit hshippng, I help with managing the seamstresses, and I help with regulating my mothers insanity, so it doesnt leek out to clients and professionals.
I also help with my grandma.

Over xmas, none of us had any money so we didnt give gifts or spend time except food becauseour main client was on surgery break, and getting recovery. and it was like 80% of the business because its a doctor who orders stuff and we have patients we give stuff too. Like that.

So I ask my mom for a paycheck, and yes I am now living with no paycheck. So I can buy my kids stuff for my daughters bday last dec and for xmas for both. She says no.
Then this month when finances clear up, and we're in a better place from teh dry spell, with the main clinet back etc. She goes and buys them something then rubs it in my face saying they are *her* girls and she has to buy them seomthing.

I just ignored her on this but its a good example of the every day shit I put up with her.

Not to mention those girls shes never visited? Those girls she abandoned me about? I suppose its her own way of getting me back as shes well aware if not ou right said ever that I consider grandma my mom. I imagine that's painful to her but she chose to be that way my entire life towards me and I feel no issue about this.

The other day everyone had left the house and I came over to check on her, and she railed into my about finances and what an aweful daughter I am and how I'm just using her ??? (It was her idea for me to have my name on this house completely? she could have asked my sister of brother?)
And then she said, it was my responsbility o make her feel better. I looked at her calmly and went no mom, your feelings are your responsibility so I'd say I feel bad you're having a bad day but thats where my responsbility ends. It's not my job to make you feel better or to be your emotional punching bag.

Then I got up and walked out.
I've taken to locking the door recently. Grandma is ok with this. She understands.

I'm starting job hunting agian. I'm leery of starting a job and my health failing me but i have no other choice than to work and keep trying. One way or another I wont let my mother grind me down. But I wont be here forever even if my name is on the property. What i'll do is kick her out after grandma is gone if she goes completely off the rails at me. I will be grieving then too so I'd rather make a game plan now then have it come back to bite me in the ass. And it'd only be my mom i'd kick out, not my dad, so we'll see how it all goes.

I'm actually thinking the more neurtal thing to do would be to move out after my grandma passes. And just stipulate that i'm renting out the small house wether they like it or not to cover my part of expenses, and if they balk on any of these points tell them wehre the door is. I've signed no agreement to keep them there permanently if they abuse me, and mom thought she was getting the weakest member of the family so she could continue to do this? No. She has no idea who she's picking a fight with.

So for now I'm biding my time till I have a nest egg set aside. I'm hoping to keep the peace long enoug hto pay this place off. we'll see.

I need to clarify also that in any other situation a mom giving a house to a sibling would be seen as aw onderful bonding and sweet thing etc. But my mom is an abuser so for her it's about power and control. She didnt even tell my brother or sister about the house! And so I tol my brother and sister myself before going through with it. She also forbade me tellign anyone in my social circle is was my house.

Why did I agree to this? Oh thats right. Long term goals. Having a house in my name will go a long way towards getting my girls back and my mom knows this. And my grandma. Sigh. My mother is such a headache. I'm so glad my girls aren't living here in some ways because she's a really not nice person to me.
 
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So, Xavier bought a UK version of the WoW just to play with me and my european friends! He did this spontaneously and we talked about it. He was joking saying wow is everyone's secret mistress. I said no just people in our age group because the parents we had weren't approving of games, and society at large. And that my kids are freaking proud gamers and I'm learning from them and my local friends to own my nerdiness and geekiness proudly. :)

So, we did the whole, what our own plans are for the future and can we mesh them together at some point. He talked about coming down to visit me that it's only about a day drive. I said yeah if you dont stop or sleep at all, it'd be better in 2 days, or meeting halfway like me visiting halfway and him coming halfway. I have family and friends in the halfway point so totally possible.

We talked about work, and I told him about my PTSD. This is getting easier to do as I become more mature- or less like I care what other thinks. He was really supportive, he said he has an uncle who as PTSD and he understands my unique challenges to finding work because people who initially meet me don't see that I can have issues... So i think the next employment I will simply state it like I did with him that I have it and need special consideration for those blips.

I'm definitely going to get some EMDR, i did some research on it, and it looks really good for the point I'm at now. :)

I'm really obsessed with Coldplay lately. Going through a phase with them. For awhile it was Halestorm again after the Rocky thing in December.

Hm I think I might ask if he wants to share FB now.

More minor things with mom, my orange juice went missing this morning. Quite upset about this. Apparently forgot to lock the door after taking my dog out for a walk. This happens quite often. My mom has no sense of boundaries. :confused::confused: I've taken to only eating dinner with them 3 times a week for my sanity. If I am not using any of her stuff she can't complain about me being a user can she?

Still job hunting!
 
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Another day in the house of crazy with my mother.

Lol in one day she's come over to get mad at me for letting my dog out side too long,

For being too over weight.

For not instantly being available on demand for whatever it is she needs.

And for locking my door after I found her exhausting.

You know I might actually have less triggers at a job than with her ;)

This is good practice in any case to deal with the irrational, and the triggers.

Anger yields to sadness, which yields to acceptance- I've chosen radical acceptance with my mother and a lot of internal eye rolls.

Something subtle and significant changed inside me in the last month, in which I reached this point with her and accepting it.

It still internally affects me, like getting stuck outdoors during a windstorm will disrupt your hair and clothes, but I don't take the wind back into my own home and disrupt my house as well.

So that's the difference here. She's the storm, and I'm actively sloughing it off on an hourly basis today.

Part of that is sharing here. There's so much gaslighting going on that I have to write my own version of events down as I saw it happen or I will question my sanity. And she'd love that because then i'd be eternally dependent on her and her emotional punching bag.

So I'll try to intersperce all the the negative with some good news as well...

So the good news:
My daughter no longer is being shadowed on a daily basis at school by a counsellor to monitor her behaviour so she doesn't bully others. This is a huge step and i'm super proud of her.

Also, she seems to have reached an acceptance about me too, and me being here, and has been talking to me almost daily and a LOT more respectfully too.


Xavier did accept my invite to facebook friends. And I'm really happy about this. :)

I also learnt a little more about him this week and his own internal demons which he openly shared and that built more trust. It's so nice to talk to someone who wants to open up and tell me about their life, instead of insisting that one must only be calm and carry on.

More good news: I'm going to brunch with the ladies on sunday. YAY! :D

Me and Ariel are really helping our other mutual friend a lot lately with self confidence but ariel asked me some tips on how to not take that on board and then feel self conscious yourself. I said you need to do more self care and take mini breaks from talking if its affecting you. I said since you're doing poly and relating to so many people lately it you probably need a date-night-with-yourself.
 
Something strange occured to me today.

During all those years of back and forth with Rocky I never lost hope.

But this week I ran into the man I really connected with online a year and some ago, I named him Flynn here.
But I'm going to call him by the username he posted here: Rainfall.

But with Rainfall I did.

It was the straw that broke the camels back. And yes he held no power to do this as such, yet I could take no more loss in that time of my life. No more pain of rejection from truly opening myself up as I did with him. I tried after that and no one has even come any where near close. The closest is Rocky and even then I no longer trust Rocky.

The problem is, because of the time apart and our own development, I don't know how we both feel truly anymore.

And its more complicated now that I am so far away, he was already in a different country, but now we're halfway around the world from each other.

The thing is. Something else strange happened. Back last november 2017 I got really ill, PTSD or something I don't know. And I was suicidal, and not doing well at all. The time I lost the dog I was taking care of etc- plus daughter's birthday.

Truthfully I've only had hope since moving here to the USA. And then I lost it again in November. And both times, Rainfall has known and tried to reach out and I keep shoving him away.

He..told me he had a dream about me being in a glass room, surrounded by all the pictures of all the peopel who hurt me, and his being the largest and no matter what he did he couldnt get into help me. I..this is very much how I felt then.

I'm really really glad he's back in my life. And theres no doubt at all that Xavier at this point isnt right for me. He is shipping out sometime soonish. A month? maybe less? He still tries to contact me but I put limits on it, and let phone calls go to voice mail, messages left unresponded or with a short messages saying i'm busy right now. And I am.

Of which I'll post about later.

I feel like..part of me with Rainfall, opens up a part of my spirituality that has long been dead since mormonism. It allows an outlet and belief for it that is hard to explain and why it hurt so much to walk away. He ha thought I hated him. I never did. I can't remember once ever thinking I hated him.

I didnt realise how much I missedh im till he came back in life, but its also tinged with sad.
Of missed opportunities that I dont know will exist again, and also theres trust issues becuase of how badly I handled poly, with the wrong people. Also because of shoving him away for so long. It was truly pure luck I ran into him as he was online in the same place at the same time. I had no way to talk to him as i even had him on ignore so he couldn't message me. Obviously at the time I ran away.


I am both near someone who held my heart in his hands and feel incredibly lonely around him at the same time. Melancholy is probably the right word.
I miss what we had.
 
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Oh I forgot to mention I didnt just slow fade with Xavier, i did have a talk with him. I told him I appreciate the gifts and attention but that becuase he was now in the army, I knew my needs wouldn't be met continuing with him since he's not much a texter, and if he can't text then he mostly likely can't write letters and I dont need a romantic penpal in the army whom I may never meet.

The thing is I waited on this because if he didn't get in to the army we had plans to meet up. Thats not happening, I'm not going to wait around.

So I tried to soften the blow by saying I'd be open to more when he got back, but he said" [Star] you can't friendzone me then unfriendzone me, if I'm friendzoned that' fine." So thats what we are, I guess. Except without any romantic interest I have no desire for more male friends. I have plenty of those without any harbouring secret or past romantic feels. We will probably eventually be ok, given soem tiem since it was just like a month of talking and stuff and nothing romantic at all except the gifts he gave me.

That makes it easier especially since he'll still hang around Gamer and his crew and I still spend time with them online. I let Gamer know what happened to so the social network would be able to rally around him if needed guy support. It sucks to be rejected but it is what it is. He'll be ok.

Rainfall and I, we're both as a weird midground, we talk but time difference is hard, I did unblock him, and I do still care. But its just different in a way I can't explain. We are going to try but slowly, and that's fine with me.

I'm kinda got my hands full here in real life anyway! And that processing and stuff will have to be for later.
 
soem big stuff happened on the home front.

My mom came in and had..what I'm starting to refer to in my head as an episode.

She baited me and harassed me and grandma in our home, after letting her self in. She still doesn't approve of me locking my door. I dont give a fuck if she cares or not.

Basically she tried to bully both me and grandma out of the house becuase she's unhappy living here even though shes the person who chose the place, I went along for the ride becauase I chose to. I sat here and listened without saying anything because I chose to. I chose not to escalate the situation.

My grandma said she'd go live in elderly housing, and I simply let her argue with ehr daughter. Its easier for me to deal with my mom when I see her from my grandma's point of view.

Then I pointed out in my head that worse comes to worse I own this house. It's in my name. She can't kick me out. I am worthwhile as a human even if I physically can do nothing- even if my health is bad. It doesn't change my internal worth. I didn't ask to be sick. I didn't ask to be a burden. But when she sneers at me and looks at me like I am something disgusting beneath her shoe...I have to wonder, why did I chose this again?

Oh that's right because I am the sole carer of the woman who will always be my real mom, my grandma and she needs me and I need her. And she won't be around forever, and when that happens, I will calmly and clearly deal with my mother then. Right now, I held my peace.

Also I had not many choices. But I am looking at other choices in case worse comes to worse and somehow I do end up homeless because of her. I'd hate for things to go down that way because if they do, that will be the last time I ever speak to her. I won't forgive her for that. It's cruel to do this to two dependant people. My grandma didnt ask to have all the various health issues she's had, and shes done the best she can. And she gets a lot of social assistances so my mom doesnt really have to take care of her. And also, I help her, and she helps me. We have a lovely home.

Here's an example of how our home is run, I am dealing ina lot of carer jobs right now for my gran. Cleaning, bathing, food, meds, etc etc. But I don't complain, and I dont tease her, and I don't call her out meanly or belittle her. I dont talk about it much on here because its her business- shes a private person. But I mention it in contexual way because Bio-mom is just down right rude about it. She came in and demeaned grandma about one of the carer things I was doing instead of taking me aside and saying " hey by the way can you please take care of that?" Also, it humiliated grandma, and me, and I just get sick and tired of her being such a jerk all the time. The longer I am here and the more kindly grandma and I take care of each other the more jealous and weird my bio-mom becomes.

I find myself walking around in a haze at the end of the day because I just cannot physically get away from my bio-mom. Everything she is drains me and lately I have taken to my room and just quietly being on my own when not caring- and also saying we are too tired to have dinner together.

In actual fact I don't see her for most of my day, just in the mornign and evening. But thats far too much already.
 
Today I am grieving the loss of the mother I never had/ wish I had.

Taking of the denial glasses is hard.

For years I worked through the hatred and then grieved and accepted my dad's role in becoming an incest victim. He is no longer in my life. Hasn't been for years and never met my kids.

I haven't worked through my mom's role, or her roles after that. When she kicked me out twice. When threw a computer at me. When tried to take custody of Shooting Star. When she played an active role in helping my exhusband keep the kids in court.
All the times she belittled me, hated me. When she enabled him and blamed me...etc etc. And all the other things after that. I think I still hate her. And I am deeply saddened I do. I spent a year in therapy working specifically with this problem in 2016, I did a lot of work. But I still feel like i'm really only facing it now, because of my proximity to her daily. I don't know how to navigate this alone.
 
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*hugs* if you want them, starlight1

You are a brave soul, doing your best by your grandma. Hold on to that as it's true.
 
So, my former-friend, Acton, who I thought we'd do the fade I wouldn't see in a long time because of the weird platonic-him-being-freaky-control-thing happened a while back...he contacted me today out of the blue. Apparently he is coming into my town here in october to do a theatre gig that is touring the USA. Well! I think I might go with a friend just because, hey free tickets, and should be no social pressure as he'll be with his whole crew, and I am just going up there and back, not having any alone time with him.

Another person cropped up from my long forgotten past, a man from australia.

We started talking in an LDS chat room yonkers ago. (litterally like 7 years ago???)

Apparently he's a psychologist now (just got his BA) and remembered me, and looked me up (found me on my art profile), and wanted to ask if he could quote me in a book/thesis he's writing. So...naturally the curious part of me had to read the paperwork and this led to an hour long chat on his views on mormonism, and separating emotional states from religious beliefs. We were both in really different places and a lot younger when we chatted in the past, so this was a really interesting update from him. I'm still working on reading the thesis/mini book. That was quite flattering someone wanted to quote me :rolleyes:

So now we're facebook friends and who knows, I said I'd let him quote me if he let me do the artwork for his cover. :cool: :D

Always the business woman first.

Actually I jsut had a thought. I ask the universe for a therapist and one shows up who knows me from years ago? Hmm...I think I might ask if he'll do this for free, or for artwork? or for editing? There's a will there's a way. Kinda ironic this happened when I'm really needing a psychologist.
 
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*hugs* if you want them, starlight1

You are a brave soul, doing your best by your grandma. Hold on to that as it's true.

Thank you Opal. I really needed that yesterday. Today is doing much better, but I imagine it iwll ebb and flow as I come to acceptance. Yes, you're right I am here for my gran.

I did some self care and I reached out to Ariel yesterday, and she offered her spare room if I did ever get kicked out, so I at least have back up plans. I also contacted a local womens shelter for homeless people that helps deal with these situations, so I have 2 plans in case she goes crazy at me and the whole thing falls apart here.

She also came up with a brilliant plan to ask my gran for us to BOTH move out with ehr in social housing, which she would be easily accepted for. But the thing is with this plan, my grandma doesn't realise how far down the rabbit hole my mom and I go, and how my mom treats me- has treated me in the past, so its unlikely I would be doing my grandma any favours asking her for this while she is healing. So far allowing my grandma to call the bluff for my mom seems to be the temporary solution. But will it be a bluff when my grandma is no longer here? That's the worry for me. So there's a few options. We'll see. I wouldn't want to ask my grandma to choose between her daughter and granddaughter. We're all adults, I'll do my best to get more independent.

I'm nothing if not a scrappy survivor.
 
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I'm having some really fascinating conversations with Mr. Psychologist.
Because he is currently leaving the mormon church and I have left, it's been rather therapeutic on both parties.

He can't be a therapist for me though because he is a child psychologist and this wouldn't be his speciality..

But also because he said he's expressed interest in me... :eek:

Why is it always in waves? No interest from anyone in months, then I hear from 4 people in the last 2 months.

I spoke to Xavier yesterday and we planned to hang out with friends on a game on saturday. I spoke to Rainfall, and I suggested we move to friends, and he also felt the same way, so ex's remain ex's but at least friendly.

There's more to update but for now I'll leave it here. Feel like i'm moving foreward purposefully.
 
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So yesterday, I acknowledge that I really struggle with female friendships being platonic only if I get emotionally close to the woman, I end up feeling romantic. Even if the shape and things involved don't change. I've seen the pattern now in my blog, if they are close to my age and we spend more than once a week together, eventually my respect will either deepen and we'll get closer and I feel romantic, OR i'll keep them with that wall and I won't see them but every other week, once a month or something.

So how I feel about men and women romantically works quite a bit different.

When I feel something for a man, I usually feel it straight away, sometimes it's slow over time and happens but not often.But with a woman, I get to know her as a friend without any of those expectations and then, one day I realise I really care fo this person a lot.

This has kinda happened with Ariel and so I let her know. I asked if we could be cuddle friendship. She's only bi-sexual and not bi-romantic. And worried about leading me on. I said give me some time to have an established relationship elsewhere and I'd like to explore this. So we aren't doing anything like that until after I find someone, and I told her to just be really honest with me if she feels uncomfortable at any time. For now we're still operating as friends. This is fine for me. But I felt so relieved acknowledging my feels.

She said "Star, some people are able to fall in love easily because they see so much good in all the people around them, that's just who you are, and that's ok, you make total poly sense to me." :D I really love this woman like family, she's super awesome.

And trying things out with Xavier, traditionally monogamous, and also Rainfall again recently made me realise that the more I struggle against this need in myself to be able to express love, and not necessarily poly or sexual, but just to be able to say it to people, or in myself, that I don't have any other term that explains it.

The closest one is polyamory, but the types of love are all different for me. With Ariel it's very family, and not lusty. Not to say I don't ever feel lusty, but its not a *need* to have sex with her that makes me wants her, it's just this gradual respect and closeness that's been growing for some time.

Also, every time I try monogamy, I feel claustrophobic. It could be the people I am trying monogamy with. Or the concept itself. I have tried that relationship shape and it doesn't seem to work for me because I feel like any friends I make are dangerous male or female because loving more than one is wrong if I am monogamous. Even if I never act on it. Then I feel guilt an the cycle is really unhealthy for me.

BUT I also have anxiety around practicing poly. I mean, I'm still learning to openly communicate and trust that my partners are doing the same. Coming out from under the F.O.G. (Feelings of Obligation and Guilt) of Rocky, I felt really distrustful of what someone said = what someone would do.
Because he constantly dropped the ball. My only regret is I didn't leave him sooner.

And all of this is because of really great examples of healthy communication in my life right now. Ariel is one of them, but so is the Psychologist too.
I need to pen him a new name because we are talking this last week almost daily and pleasantly and regardless of his interest in me, I see us continuing on as friends.

But just to be clear I am very attracted to him :rolleyes:

Let me think, I'll call him Dreamer.

Oh another positive of the whole poly thing is I suddenly have the resources again to deal with my bio-moms crazy. I went to the gym today for the first time in 6 months, and I loved it. I'm going again tomorrow. Yay back to healthy routines.

Dreamer said such a great thing to me the other day: he said, just make sure you stop and recognise, its not other men, or other people in your life that is accomplishing these things Star, it's you, your choices, your life. And it's ok to acknowledge it. So just sit there and feel the fact you hit a homerun, and that's ok.

I haven't done a lot of that, most of the time i'm beating myself up for falling terribly short of whatever perceived goal I have, or attributing my success to others. (E.G. I didn't lose the weight it was the success of the ladies on the board that motivated me, etc etc.)

Dreamer and myself's communication style is so deliciously easy and open. As we slowly uncover more about each other and I share with him what I'm doing openly and honestly the more I trust him- I wish all friendships or relationships or anything else were this easy.

And that is my update for today. :)
 
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I've been taking this vitamin specially for the liver, and I think it's been helping, along with spring happening. It's more like summer here, although summer will mostly be triple digits, we got into the 90's today. I went on a long walk with my dog since I couldn't make it to the gym. I even caught some sun. :)

Dreamer said he is ok with me being poly, but wants to go slow and learn more. I am giving him the standard resources, as a person who likes to read about physchology the books should provide an interesting conversation starter. I also asked him if he's ok for me to refer to him on here as a pyseudnym and he is. :) We had our first...disagreement on relationship responsibilities. I argued that in a relationship I wasn't responsible for the other person taking care of themself, he says that the other partner is. I said I think we have a different idea on the terminology of what responsibility means. I am certainly not going to be responsible for him keeping on top of his mental health or physical health unless he's incapable of doing so etc. I am responsible for my kids, my dog, my gran, but I dont think or know how much that should extend in a healthy romantic relationship?

We got on this subject because he kept pestering me about when he thought I should sleep and I balked very firmly at this, calmly but firmly, that I will sleep when I wish to sleep and not when others wish I do so, even if they have my best interest at heart. This makes him sound really bad and he's not. I explained how if we were out and he made similar comments about my appearance or food choices I'd also balk at those. And he assured me that he's not like this in other areas but genuinely concerned for my sleep. So, I reiterated again that its not his responsibility to be managing my sleep. Worry about it if he likes but he can't manage it. I'm a grown woman, I will sleep when I damn well please.

So he said a lot of this has to do with his idea of a healthy couple, looking out for each other and having each others backs, I benched the topic because I decided that I just didn't want to go there right now, but i'm writing about it here because it will be brought up again. How in the world is he going to be ok with poly if he wants to spend every second together, and thinks healthy is basically monitoring each other? I am not sure. I think he expected it of me too and like preempted stuff saying when he goes to his platonic female friends house. And was like overly reassuring and stuff and i'm just like, dude chill, i don't care, even if you were fucking like rabbits i wouldn't care. And I don't. lol. She seems really awesome anyway.

Wow I've come a long way from a few years ago, I guess I have putting up with Rocky to thank for that. lol. I have grown a thicker skin. Little things just don't bug me with some people anymore.

Exception of my bio-moms constant yelling. Good grief, she remins me of the mother on big bang theory, who constantly yells "Whos at the door?" etc etc.
Except in a slightly less nasaly annoying way. I think i'm going to start picturing her that ludicrously in my head whenever she starts raging and it'll be like harry potter ridikulous spell and i'll start totally laughing inappropriately. Ah fuck it. i'm totally doing that. I am sick of having these migraines and letting her affect me. :)
 
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