Care and Feeding of Friends with Benefits

Well then....let those who like "short and candied posts" read the short and candied ones! I'm rather fond of in-depth posts, and as far as I know a vote hasn't been taken to determine what "most" prefer??;):D
 
Because the man I adore and I don't actually have sex, I have a semi-regular thing with a friend, "TL."

He's someone I've respected for a long time, for his music and general social charms.
So *1. Respect, in as many forms as it can be felt.

However, we have absolutely different tastes in everything that actually matters, particularly humor, and not in a sweet "opposites attract" way.
*2. Open acknowledgement of the fact that y'all shouldn't be in a "real" relationship. This one's tricky, and it's where I think friends of mine have gotten heartbroken; has to be an idea that occurred to both parties independently. I know we'd just hurt each other if we tried to mesh. This might be tougher if this person is a close friend of yours. I have to have more distance than that for it to work as an ongoing delight.

*3. Admitting you care about their wellbeing is always good; no body wants to be thought of as a dispose-after-sexing tissue. But as far as feelings of attachment are concerned, I've always found it's best to keep those close to the vest until you're absolutely sure what you feel. I think bodies often want to fool us into thinking someone we're frequently co-bed-itating with are/should be an integral part of the den. That's sometimes true, but not always.

All my relationships, aside from my oh-gosh-current, have been defined as time limited, at least on my part. Somehow, never found talking about that point to be conducive to the relationship's continuation. I think it's about keeping careful tabs on how you're feeling about each other, and the confidence that understanding gives.
 
mere

I never see friendship as something to be called "mere."

I don't either. I don't have many friends, all of my lovers have been friends first (it's how I roll). I put the mere in quotes to indicate that the sex part was over, not to denigrate or downplay friendship.
 
hmmmm..I understand you see the FWB ending in mere friendship. But why does that have to end, or is it just in this case?

An FWB...can be something truly intimate and long term. Its range is pretty massive and its meaning can be pretty vague.

...

As for handling term limited relationships. Well, in my experience. I suck at them. I have a hard time entering into relationships when I can see an end. I end up focusing too much on the end and not having fun. In my case, I can learn,..I have before and I am not, but I am not sure I would care to enter into a term limited relationship.

Well, while I am fairly sure that this particular FWB has an 'end date', it is true that something could change. Also, I have no idea how long this will last - nor any preconceptions on how long. I can see it lasting years or ending relatively soon.

And I am fairly positive that SW and I will still be friends after sexy fun time is over. We have other things in common, mutual friends, overlapping communities, etc.

I am interested in your last comments about finding term limited relationships difficult because you end up focusing on the end and not on the present. I find myself slipping into this - part of my difficulties in remaining present in the moment. It's reassuring that others have experienced this too.
 
Spillover

As not to abuse a thread I started today (by posting many times in a row), I'll see if this thread might welcome a revival.

I'm exploring the web for definitions of FWB. Clearly, there are many points of view on the topic, so it can't hurt to explore some of these.

I think all definitions of the FWB will be compound, not singular. That is, any useful definition will have multiple factors.

Here's a quote which addresses one of the factors:

"Like many a seasoned practitioner, I have reaped the benefits and suffered the setbacks from having sex with my friends. Some situations were fun and lighthearted, some ended awkwardly, and others continue to haunt my dreams in the best way possible. The common denominator is that at the core was a friendship that existed before we hit the sheets — that's the difference between a FWB and a casual hookup after all. Although the terms may be used interchangeably, to me, a "f*ck buddy" isn't a friend with benefits. The former centers the sex, and the latter centers the friendship."
from - https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-hav...efits-relationship-according-to-science-75373
 
Everyone is an expert.

Everyone is an expert. But the experts have nothing resembling a consensus.

Take for example:

"While having a friend with benefits is something everyone should experience once, it’s also something that shouldn’t be allowed to last too long. An FWB is the intermission you take between relationships, and nothing more, so you should always be aware that the time will come to end it." from - https://www.bolde.com/why-you-need-to-ditch-your-friend-with-benefits/

Other "experts" say there is no reason why you should put an expiration date on the FWB relationship (and, yes, it is a relationship).
 
I don't think an FWB relationship needs to have an expiration date ... just my opinion but.
 
I don't think an FWB relationship needs to have an expiration date ... just my opinion but.

Yes! This! My FWBs are abiding friendships! Sure, some of them have been through an NRE (& fucking like rabbits) phase, then settled into a more balanced state of existence, but because we were never together we never broke up so we simply continue.
 
Yes! This! My FWBs are abiding friendships! Sure, some of them have been through an NRE (& fucking like rabbits) phase, then settled into a more balanced state of existence, but because we were never together we never broke up so we simply continue.

By "together" do you mean "in a capital R Relationship"?

I'm just wondering what distinguishes Relationships from FWB situations, once we allow for feelings and endurance over time. It's not cohabitation, 'cause many capital R Relationships don't involve cohabitation.

Is there anything like consensus on any of these terms, or are we all simply imagining that these phrases hold a common meaning?
 
Opinions probably vary on what counts as a FWB.
 
By "together" do you mean "in a capital R Relationship"?

I'm just wondering what distinguishes Relationships from FWB situations, once we allow for feelings and endurance over time. It's not cohabitation, 'cause many capital R Relationships don't involve cohabitation.

Is there anything like consensus on any of these terms, or are we all simply imagining that these phrases hold a common meaning?

Yeah, together as in "R"elationship.

Of course friendship is a relationship too, but it has different nuances. I'm more interdependent with Adam than with anyone else. We cohabit, are financially entwined, share a bed, share some pretty big goals. My friends have their own versions of that. The only other person I've talked about growing old with is my best girl friend (no benefits, purely platonic) and we've joked that if we outlive our husbands we'll live together like the Golden Girls. It's fantasy, because we'd drive each other nuts in week. But I wouldn't even kid about it with anyone else.
I'll still be lifelong friends with the rest of my friends, but if I get to die old and in bed with someone, I want that to be Adam.
 
Is there anything like consensus on any of these terms, or are we all simply imagining that these phrases hold a common meaning?
I would think there are differences in the nature of the feelings involved, but obviously, there's no objectivity, nor a sharp line. Maybe some of these relationships will feel more friend-like and some more romance-like or partner-like, so you are free to use different labels?
Same as some people have hundreds of "friends" they see once a year while for another person these are "acquaintances" at best.
 
River, I did similar research a few weeks ago as I was trying to figure out what to do about my “budding question mark” with Laptop. I found the websites and articles to be relatively limited in their utility to me. Like you, I found them to contradict each other and not necessarily seem to follow the same definitions as I did. They actually increased my anxiety about the whole situation, rather than helping me process any of it.

The only thing that helped me figure things out was to look deep within myself, identify what *I* wanted and felt comfortable with, and then communicate about that with Laptop. In our case, we defined FWB to mean that we would continue our friendship pretty much the same as it has been and add in the sexual component to have fun and to explore some kinky stuff that he wants to learn and that I have more experience with. That’s it. We didn’t put limits on feelings, although we did state our *current* feelings for each other and discuss our time commitments and agree that we would continue to communicate if things change.
 
IMHO, there are two main types of Friends With Benefits:

1.) FWB arrangements that include little or no feelings of attachment and nothing that comes close to "romance" of any kind. These I'd more appropriately term "fuck buddies", "booty-calls" or "hook-ups". Here, the emphasis is on the sex. The word love is not mentioned.

2.) FWBs where the emphasis is on the friendship rather than the sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex might be great when it happens, but it is not the major reason these two people choose to hang out with, or like each other.

In the second camp, you'll often find: ex-partners who have transitioned to friends... housemates... besties who were formerly platonic only... metamours who are attracted but not "in love", and the like... i.e. people you know well across many dimensions of each other's lives.

In the first camp you may find: ex-partners with whom you have a fractious relationship (possibly don't even like very much) yet are still sexually attracted... work colleagues or people one runs into occasionally on business trips... a one-night-stand/hook-up from a club or dating site that turns into an on-going "thing", or the like.
 
IMHO, there are two main types of Friends With Benefits:

1.) FWB arrangements that include little or no feelings of attachment and nothing that comes close to "romance" of any kind. These I'd more appropriately term "fuck buddies", "booty-calls" or "hook-ups". Here, the emphasis is on the sex. The word love is not mentioned.

2.) FWBs where the emphasis is on the friendship rather than the sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex might be great when it happens, but it is not the major reason these two people choose to hang out with, or like each other.

In the second camp, you'll often find: ex-partners who have transitioned to friends... housemates... besties who were formerly platonic only... metamours who are attracted but not "in love", and the like... i.e. people you know well across many dimensions of each other's lives.

In the first camp you may find: ex-partners with whom you have a fractious relationship (possibly don't even like very much) yet are still sexually attracted... work colleagues or people one runs into occasionally on business trips... a one-night-stand/hook-up from a club or dating site that turns into an on-going "thing", or the like.

Well, on Wednesday I spent much of the day with a guy who now seems to be my FWB of the type 2, above. We've only gotten together once, and we both seemed to agree that there was mutual attraction and interest in forming a type-2 FWB relationship.

I've had lots of different kinds of experiences, but never quite this, exactly. What we're forming together is more clear and explicit than my previous experiences with resonances with this one. And yet there is something oddly vague and ambiguous about it for me. He likes all the kissing and touching and cuddling and stuff -- just like me. So it's not just about sex -- but it does have a lot to do with being available to one another in a very tactile way as we explore a friendship which is not limited to the sexual and tactile.

Both of us are very tactile types.

I don't mind the uncertainty and ambiguity much, but I feel slightly lost around questions like "Should I text him to ask how he's doing?" ... and stuff like that. I guess I'm basically saying "This all feels slightly awkward, 'cause I've never quite had a full on FWB of this type before." For example, it didn't organically emerge in the context of prior acquaintance or friendship, but was deliberately sought out on the web.

When our day together was over and I was on the train coming home I sent him a smiley face emoji -- no words. This was partly in response to the fact that he had said that while he enjoys the conversation with me, he prefers to "get to know" a person in silence. Touch and smell and such are his preferred "getting to know you" atmosphere.

He replied with that emoji which shows the blowing of a kiss (with a heart). So he's not afraid to be affectionate and stuff. And I like that. It's just that I don't quite know how to dance this dance. I guess we never quite do, no matter what kind of relationship it is.

Maybe somebody here can draw from their experience and share in some way that'll be helpful.

I'm going to send another emoji today, I suspect.
 
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