Finding myself in a poly world

10 years older is now "old school?" Like, he's Gen X, you're a Millennial, and never the twain shall meet?(That's the theme of the new Survivor season about to start haha.) Hm, maybe if he's in IT though, and up on all the latest technology, it keeps him hip enough to talk to a kid like you ;) , while still offering a mature sensibility and stability?

I'm 61 and I have an issue with men in their 50s and 60s! (Never mind 70s.) They are mostly old school with gross walrus mustaches which they probably think are still pornstaches haha! Me, I watch Colbert and South Park. I cuss and smoke weed. I know and love Die Antwoord.

So, I'm in a LTR with a 39 year old, and my last bf was only 42. Some older people do "keep up" with the times. I hope your Surfer dude has too! Good luck, glad you had fun.
 
10 years older is now "old school?" Like, he's Gen X, you're a Millennial, and never the twain shall meet?(That's the theme of the new Survivor season about to start haha.) Hm, maybe if he's in IT though, and up on all the latest technology, it keeps him hip enough to talk to a kid like you ;) , while still offering a mature sensibility and stability?

I'm 61 and I have an issue with men in their 50s and 60s! (Never mind 70s.) They are mostly old school with gross walrus mustaches which they probably think are still pornstaches haha! Me, I watch Colbert and South Park. I cuss and smoke weed. I know and love Die Antwoord.

So, I'm in a LTR with a 39 year old, and my last bf was only 42. Some older people do "keep up" with the times. I hope your Surfer dude has too! Good luck, glad you had fun.


Actually no I don't think 10 years older is too old school. I'm not even sure what I meant when I wrote that. I'm sure I had a reason but now I'm not sure. I don't think it was keeping up with the times though. He seems pretty hip on that.

I do however have a very hard time reading him. I'm usually pretty good but him I have no clue as to what he is thinking. We got along great during the date but since then it's been very little talking.
 
Back to the drawing board.......

Surfer dude has been very quiet since our date and it's been kind of odd.
So tonight I messaged him and we got to talking about what the other person is looking for and I said I am actually looking for some romance (just in general).
He then asked "so you are married and you don't get enough from him"
Sigh. Not exactly what I thought he would say.

And to clarify madman is not romantic. He has never been and I am ok with that. His idea of romance is grabbing me Starbucks when I ask for him to bring it to me. He does so many other wonderful things this is one thing I am not worried about him doing. Now that isn't to say I don't want it. I just know it will not be coming from him. He dates girls much younger than me (and has other fetishes there is no way I could fulfill) I have no problem with that. We balance each other very nicely. How is that hard for others to understand???
 
It's so weird to reread back to past post and to see how your thinking as changed or how in one moment you can feel one way yet feel different later.

I swear sometimes I cringe at my thoughts and how silly they seem to be at times.

Things move fast in my life! They always have. I don't know if I just get bored easily or have adult ADHD. Maybe both.

Anyway I have decieded to go back to college and finish my BA. With working full time and raising kids not sure what will happen to my dating life. As of right now things are still murky with surferdude(I really need a better name for him).
Talking to Grimm but I know it will not lead to anything because he is not looking for anything at the moment so we are just going to be friends.

Madman has been talking to guavafruit for a little bit and they plan on dating. Oh my this is new for me. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. I am good with him dating. I think it more The Who not the dating. She is different. Not like his other interest. Before they all have been young. Not so smart per say and just looking for fun. This one is smart. I know exactly what I am feeling I'm just not too sure how to process it. I think I am afraid he is going to treat her better on things I have ask for before. things to ponder....
 
I am going to start writtinh again here. I need to get my thoughts out. There are just so many inside my head. I think writing them down would be a good idea.

Just an fyi, please be kind. These are just fears, wories and hopefully happiness that I am feeling. Not always real and sometimes unwarranted.

Tonight was a date with pip. I was in such a bad mood. I feel like I need alone time but I also don’t. I want to be held. Told that everything will be ok.

I have general anxiety. I am not on medication. So depending on my anxiety levels I can be depressed or very stressed out. I take things harder than they need to be. I have a very busy life and at this moment I am not sure how to juggle everything. Demanding job, school full time, kids, and now two partners. Its a lot.

So much that I am finding myself pulling back from madmaxx. Now with pip being our partner, the time I have with madmaxx is almost zero.
He works weekends, I work during the week. She is over twice a week and it’s overnight. With this schedule I am now finding that I only have sex with madmaxx when pip is here because the other nights he is too tired or I am too tired. It was twice a week before.

I understand nre is new and I do love having her over but I am not sure how to juggle it all.
 
Thinking about what I just said in my previous post has me realizing more of how I am feeling. The intimacy between me and maddmax is gone at the moment. Everything is us (3) or her.
 
Writing things down can really clarify things!

Remind me, how long have you been with Pip?

Even if she wasn't in your life, I could see a pause in romance/intimacy/sex happening with Madmaxx considering your packed and opposite schedules. I hope things get better for you! Could you cut back on hours at work? Take one less class? How much more school do you need (light at end of tunnel)? Get a sitter now and then to have a little romance alone with Maxx?
 
Writing things down can really clarify things!

Remind me, how long have you been with Pip?

Even if she wasn't in your life, I could see a pause in romance/intimacy/sex happening with Madmaxx considering your packed and opposite schedules. I hope things get better for you! Could you cut back on hours at work? Take one less class? How much more school do you need (light at end of tunnel)? Get a sitter now and then to have a little romance alone with Maxx?

Things with pip are super new sort of. We have been friends for around 3 years and super intenched in each others lifes for around a year and a half. Lovers is very very new.

Today I am going to work with madmaxx. He is self employed so I can go. It’s excatly what I needed.
 
Things are good today. I think I really need to come back to here when I am having a bad day. It reminds me that the anxiety thoughts are not real.
 
I am so glad to be journaling. So good for the brain.

Today I woke up alone (pip is off with her brother, and madmaxx is at work)
My first thought was omg what are we doing.

So far madmaxx has sleep in the middle. There have been some odd feelings about that because he has told me how he enjoys holding her. And every morning when she wakes up she wakes him up in a sexual way and then she brings me in. I know I am feeling jealous. I want that too. I want to hold her. I want to be woken up by her or him.

I asked her yesterday if me sleeping in the middle was a green, yellow, or red.
She said green. And then good to keep the question coming.

Why do I feel this jealously? I have not felt it before. Does it go away?

I guess I am having a hard time knowing he has feeling for her. That its not just casual. I know I love her. So why cant he.

I know I do not want them to fall in love and hurt me.
I also know that he would never leave me for her.
Even though I think that I know it is not true. He loves her because she is my girlfriend. So why do I tell myself thats not true.

Is it because he keeps telling me that. Is it because there are things that she does and he puts up with that he never did with me. He tells me that he does that because she is my girlfriend. So I have to go off of that right?

I feel this intense sense of territory over both of them. But why.
 
After I wrote it all down I started to break it apart in my head.

I am afraid of them falling in love and leaving me. Why.
I am afraid of being left.

False statement but a fear in general.

Facts:

She tells me all the time she will never leave me. And for no reason either. She just says it.
She wants to date me alone. Not him.
She does not want to have sexual encounters with either of us alone. She loves the threesome.
He does not want to date her alone. He tells me he loves that I have a girlfriend and that he is free to explore his sexuality with two people that he cares about.
They are both willing to give up things to make sure I am comfortable.
 
Woke up again thinking the same thing. What am I doing. I really hope that goes away.

Spoke with madmaxx about my jealousy. He is going to help more with it. Try and defuse it when it comes up. But I need to be nice. I told him yesterday that I have not felt compersion yet. Its true. I love us all together but him and her alone bothers me. Luckily neither of them want that.

The way that he put it was that he loves her because I love her. He views us as the main relationship and him and her have casual sex. Now I am not sure how she views it. I know at the moment she views us all just haveing casual sex so I can live with this. If it changes I dont know. I do not want her hurt.

But I do know I am most comfortable in this relationship this way and to be honest I am not sure if I could be in it any other way.
 
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