How truly great to be "in" a place where people are genuinely happy to hear something like "My wife met my boyfriend and it went really well!" rather than call out the Beat the Freaks Squad.
Thanks, all--truly.
In the interests of both brevity and general privacy, I'll try to be succinct without seeming coy.
Firs up, those "ground rules for mutual comfort" I mentioned. They were basic and simple and and general, and hashed out very casually and organically among the three of us (me as intermediator in both sets of conversations) over some weeks, maybe even months, once it became clear that this meeting was moving from a "It'd be nice to do that some day" to a true "Hey, let's get that on the schedule." I've had success before by addressing potentially fraught situations, personal or professional, by leading myself and others through simple visioning statements, so we just went with the approach of: "I'd feel that such an evening had gone well if X or Y happened." and "I'd feel bad or uncomfortable if A or B happened." We went through a few rounds of those, laced with humor as much as possible, and ended up with:
1) Neutral ground in every sense--mid way/equal travel for both us as a couple and him as a solo driver; and while it was a place he and I had been once before, it had no significant emotional history for anyone. (Wasn't our first date, etc.)
2) Meet somewhere else, quickly, privately, before the restaurant, to do the first, potentially awkward hellos. None of us wanted to do those in a (potentially) busy restaurant lobby, in front of the hostess waiting to be taken to our table. He actually suggested this, which was wise. He wanted us to be able to say hello to each other and do basic chit chat without having to worry about/dive into the distraction of sitting down, ordering, etc. So we ended up meeting in a nearby parking lot, doing introductions there in private (paradoxically, since we were out in the open--thankfully it was good weather) and then all driving in our car together to eat. By the time he got in the car, it was already feeling a little easy and natural, as that initial awkward moment was over.
(And it wasn't awkward at all. It was sweet in both directions. As we walked up to him and drew within earshot, I introduced her to him, and he held out his hand for her to shake. At first I thought that might seem formal/cold, but he was smiling and very warm about it. They both did the "I've heard a lot of good things about you" exchange, at which point she said, "Which means I think I can give you a hug if you're okay with that?" "I'd love it." and they did, and I went all....AWWWWW and glurgy and warm inside. She told me later she'd planned to hug him first to put him at ease, and was at first a little thrown by the handshake, but then really appreciate that he wasn't presuming anything about her physical comfort around him at that moment. They're both incredibly considerate people, obviously....)
3) It wasn't an "interview" in any sense. None of us wanted him to feel like he was being evaluated, or that the state of my ongoing relationship with him was being determined in some way by whatever happened at this meeting. (Within reason, of course: if he'd suddenly revealed him self to be a total asshole....)
4) We agreed, loosely, to an "end time"--based on all of our schedules and when we'd like to get home and to give the evening a context whether it was going well or poorly. At the end, I think we all wished it could have gone on a bit longer, but all were also very glad to be aware that we were feeling that way.
5) PDA all around was going to be kept to a very bare minimum, but not artificially so: I helped her off/on with her coat as I often do, didn't stop my self from stroking her back as I passed by her chair as I generally do, didn't stop myself from giving him a kiss on the check when we tightly hugged hello and goodbye. Nobody did any flirting or one-upping or inside-joking--as we had all agreed that would be potentially very bitter tasting. (And, obviously, talk about, or references or innuendos to, sexual activities of any of us was right off the table.)
6) As much as possible, they agreed to talk
to each other, not to each other
through me. This was not at all an issue as it turned out, but I'm glad we had flagged it: they're both somewhat introverted, and I'm...not. So it could have happened for a million different reasons. But as it turned out, there were times where I sort of had to "fight" to get a word in edgewise, which I loved.
7) A little bit of "common cause" between them making fun of any of my quirks as they naturally might arise was fine, but too much would have made me uncomfortable. They kept it just right.
We hadn't fretted too much over the seating arrangement, but I did agree with her that if we were at a square table (as we ended up being), I'd sit on the side with her. She appreciated it, but didn't find it necessary. As it turned on the night of, when we first sat down, he and I naturally went to opposite sides of the table (I think he assume he'd be across from us) and she excused herself quickly to the bathroom. I put a bag she'd brought in her with in the seat next to him, thinking that had sorted itself out nicely. Then, of course, when she came back from the bathroom she promptly picked up the bag, moved it into the seat next to me, and sat down next to him flashing us both a smile. Later, she told me, "Oh, if you thought I was going to miss watching your face watch the two of us meet, you thought wrong."
Really, it was great. Good jokes, good conversations all around--we all are on the same page politically, and share many of the same cultural interests and tastes, with just enough differences, to make for lively conversations. We all do very different things but with lots of commonalities in our backgrounds, so it was a good flow-there was never a moment where I felt, "Shit. Now what do we talk about?" Even the age gap wasn't an issue, though I'm sure the waitress assumed he was our nephew or perhaps even son. In truth, the age issue has never been an issue for him, or for my wife--I'm the only one who occasionally "worries" about it, and that's generally in the context of "what would people think?" To which my wife has wisely replied: "Trust me, that's the
least of what anyone who's going to have a problem with this is going to have a problem with..."
The only rough spot, for me, was seeing them both enjoying themselves, laughing, across from me and thinking "This is going to be
so rare in my life to have them both together like this." And that's true, and likely to be true, for all sorts of reasons that are good reasons-- for all of
us, for now. And it wasn't exactly sad, just wistful. Even wistful happy. But I felt it: none of us wants co-mingled lives. I just felt a little sense of being very, very happy in their mutual presence and knowing that it'll be....infrequent, at most.
That, and, I'll confess: it's
tough to sit across from two people who turn you on to no end and know that A) you don't know when you're going to see one of them again, and it could be sometime, and you've really never seen him before without it also involving playtime; B) by the time you get home with the other one, sleep and work the next day will be beckoning. But that's an acceptable problem to have, I realize.
I haven't had a chance to full process it with him yet, but his messages later that night after we'd all gotten home affirmed he'd had a great time, was really glad we did it, and felt so warmly toward her. She found him "incredibly nice, and decent" (and "very, very cute!") and, though she had had no negative feelings toward him prior to meeting him, was now able to "ground" her positive impressions, formerly through me, in her own experience of him, to at least some small extent. As she said, "I'd now feel totally comfortable talking with him on the phone if one of us needed to call, or even if he was passing through town and wanted to get together with both of us or drop by the house" etc. We won't be inviting him over for Sunday dinner anytime soon, but what she described is exactly the kind of easy, casual trust/comfort I had hoped we could arrive at, or at least begin building.
So, so much for being brief. I could talk about these two wonderful people all day.....