It seems to me your gf's issues are about trust and possessiveness over your time. Also, and I'm sure you may not realize this, but you do judge her a bit for not being able to tackle her issues (in your opinion) as easily as you seem to tackle yours ("breaking limits," etc.). I am not saying this to be critical, but to point out something that struck me as I read your posts -- there is an element of a slight sense of superiority in what you write about your conundrum: basically, the way in which she is standing in your way of self-development. I think that it would behoove you to examine how you stand in your own way, and set aside the judging and blaming. The more you tiptoe on eggshells around her, the more you fan the flames of a situation you don't want, so you are participating in creating your own dissatisfaction 100% as much as she is.
I did miss phrase the poly-esque mindset part along with that whole paragraph that it was in, as I also misspoke in an earlier post on that subject as well. I was still trying to put what was going on in my head into words and I did not completely grasp it at the time. I believe that what I was trying to get across was better explained in post 19, although it is probably not perfect either. Keep in mind that I am still trying to figure things out and that I have misspoken and probably will misspeak again. In that post I explained how I think I allowed myself to react to the jealousy that I knew was there by closing off the depth to people outside of our relationship. I just meant by the statement that you quoted that, although not healthy, based on an average of monogamous relationships that I have seen, that there is some resistance to forming deep connections with the opposite sex. I do not say that that is ideal and it sounds like your relationship was much healthier in that regard than most that I have seen, but that is all that I meant and why I mistakenly stereotyped that assumption.
I also apologize if I am not using any terminology the right way in this culture. Remember that I just found out about it recently and am still learning. It takes time to learn the language of any new concept. There are nuances that I as well as any new person will not pick up on right away. I am trying.
I just want to say that it is not so much a place of superiority, but a place of exhaustion. This type of issue has always been easier to overcome and as a result I have never had to struggle in overcoming them to this degree (I have had a few struggles of my own that took a couple years in high school); like I have let myself do here by accepting her struggles as my own. The part I was struggling with was that in the past I have had control over my own struggles and because they were my struggles, I only had myself to blame if I didn’t overcome them. Here I accepted onto myself (at the time being only partially aware of what I was doing) a struggle that I do not have control over the direct outcome. I have always recognized that it is her decision and that no amount of pushing on my part will help (The only place one can have any semblance of control is in their own mind). I have helped people overcome their fears before, but never in a relationship which is how I personally became involved in an unhealthy way by taking the struggles onto myself instead of keeping a healthy distance. I believe that I said in several posts how hard it is for someone who is not ready. I fully acknowledge how difficult it is. I admit that I allowed myself to get involved to the point where I feel trapped and probably have added to it. I believe that I said in another post that because I did not see that I was putting myself into this position at the time that I have become a crutch and I think that is why it has gotten worse and not better (post 19). It didn't really present itself for the first year and then gradually grew worse over this last year and I didn't even see it until recently (These posts helped a lot).
I understand that I tend to analyze people, and anything else, from more of a withdrawn scientific perspective when I am trying to figure something out. This is not meant to sound superior, like a robot, cold, or withdrawn either. It is me trying to see the situation objectively. I understand that the lack of emotion at some points where I am writing like this it can come across that way.
I also want to say that I still do plenty of the things that allow me to grow and live life on my own. What I want and what I have been missing is someone to share them with on a deeper level. I feel isolated when I am learning/ discovering/doing all of these new things and can't talk about them. It is not that I am stopped from growing and I am not blaming her for stopping me from growing. I just miss sharing it with someone (as said before, post 19, the me doing these things more “alone” than in a deep connection with someone outside of the relationship was also something that I subconsciously did to myself because I knew how jealousy made her feel).
I guess that I also worry that if I grow too much that we will grow apart. That hasn't stopped me from growing, but I think it is the reason behind why I wish she could experience more with me and why I have been so hoping that she could get past it. I just came to this realization now. I think this might have been another reason that I was exploring poly (other reasons on post 19). I might be feeling like a gap is forming between us and I have been trying to fill it by either her overcoming her fears and joining me, or by me finding another person to fill that gap to take the pressure off of both of us. I will admit that this again is also not the healthiest mindset I could have been in. As I said at the beginning, I am trying to make sense of any number of thoughts going through my head right now and am trying to make sense of them all. Some are more clear to me than others, but I have never claimed to have had it all figured out. Although thanks to everybody’s help I feel closer
I think there was some misunderstanding especially in my earlier posts where it came across that need to be poly as some people have posted. I think that it was best said in post 19 when I said " separate from this relationship, I think the idea really has some merit and see the benefits of not restricting oneself to love one person when it really is infinite. While I don't need to be poly or mono, It seems like a really freeing philosophy and many people on this board seem to be very relationship conscious which is refreshing and I have not seen as much of in monogamous culture". I do not see it as a need. That would almost put a different restriction on how one loves. As I also said there, I no longer believe that poly is the answer to the issues that we are facing and that I was
exploring the possibility of it with this thread (see also post 6 and 19). It is something that I definitely still feel open to, but do not need.
I also tried to acknowledge the posts about the decision that I am faced with, at the end in post 19, although not as explicitly as I could have, I think, because I still have hope for our future. To clarify, At this point, it seems that the options are: 1) to wait and search in myself to change any behaviors that may be exacerbating the situation and hope she is able to overcome her anxiety, while gauging if I can shoulder any burdens/restrictions that I may have to choose to take on in the process, 2) to try and figure out how long that I can wait (which I have to say is difficult, how do you even put a number on that (This is why I asked copperhead in my last post for her own experiences)), 3) move on and let her down as easily as possible, and 4) some path that has not presented itself yet, but I am illogically hopeful that still exists (only half joking). I am fully aware that it is a decision that I alone have to make and am not asking anyone here to make it for me. All I have asked for was advice in order to better weigh the options.