I could guess wrong here. But to me you seem to have many things going on at once.
GENERAL
ENGAGED TO DAN THINGS
- Enaged to Seriously Consider Marriage to this man
- Which includes considering "Life with a medico" (which is a stressy career path)
- Recently opened to Polyshipping with Dan 6mos ago
- Includes coping with Polydating affecting home time management/responsibilities (ex: house chores)
- Includes how polyshipping will fit within the context of a marriage
- Includes learning to "do" poly with him and still forming agreements
HINGE PROBLEMS
- Possible break up with Joe stress
- Not leaking my anxiety about that on to Dan
- Time Management as a hinge with 2 sweeties
- In daily living: schedule problems and finding balance so everyone gets enough care and attention (included me on my own)
- Yearly Living and Other people (ex: holiday schedules, vacations)
Having them all pile on seems to be stressing you out and making it hard to deal with one thing at a time. Do I guess wrong?
The 2 month hiatus will amount to almost a 3 month hiatus because after the 2 month "study period" we will be across the country on vacation for 3 weeks.
What is "hiatus" here anyway? Zero contact? Email, text, phone contact? WHAT?
Try to relax, enjoy getting to know Joe, but don't change your whole life around for a dude you've only been dating for 3 mos either. Enjoy the getting to know you time. It's ok to TAKE TIME. There's email, phone visits, etc. Long Distance relationships do it all the time. What else do military spouses do when solider person is off on tour? You can handle this. It will be fine. If Joe falls to pieces at the first challenge in the relationship when it's something so small -- better you find out he's a flimsy flier now than when you have invested more in it.
3 mos is not all that long or different from 2 mos to me. I can appreciate it seems long to you.
If this is going to be a problem for you, think twice about marrying a medico.
People who are really independent and need less "togetherness" -- those might do well partnered to a medico whose career sucks up a lot of time. Long hours and double shifts and sudden on call emergencies and such. People who enjoy doing things together a lot -- might not do well with a medico because they might feel more lonely or miss the "togetherness" more. Neither is right or wrong, but it IS a thing to think about personality wise. Do you and Dan's personalities fit here?
Because Dan represents the older relationship at 6 years and seems "solid" and Joe reprensents the new thing at 3 mos? I could see where you are anxious/fearful to secure it and stabilize it. But don't get so caught up in it or rushing it that you end up creating
poly hell on the (you + Dan) layer by ignoring or neglecting tending to that relationship.
It's also ok to tell Dan -- "I won't see new people so it doesn't stress you out. I plan to keep seeing Joe though, since he's already in the mix."
Let him digest that. That's part of the reality of having agreed to polydate here -- you actually have a newish BF named Joe and he's not a coat you can hang in the closet and take out once in a while.
Also, I have agreed to refraining from starting any new relationships or new dates but currently I am seeing someone Joe (though that maybe ending soon). Assuming me and Joe remain together we would have been dating for about 3 months and I think it would be wrong for me to say can we hit "pause" for almost 3 months. I did ask Dan to simply let me compromise by just seeing Joe once per month in that study period but he objects to that.
Need more data. What's his objection? Because Joe is in your house playing Wii with you and that dancing around distracts his study? Fair enough. Could you see Joe out of the house then?
Need more data -- what's up with you evaluating things as "wrong?" It's not wrong to ASK Joe things. It's just what is needed at this time. No more "right" or "wrong" than things like
- I need to pee now
- I need to eat now
- I need to go to work now
- I need to go to sleep now.
- I need to be on a different schedule for 2-3 months that is more mindful of Dan's study time now
And you are not a mind reader so you have to ASK Joe if he's willing to work out calendar things with you or not. What is it about being asked or doing the asking that unnerves you?
Are you good at negotiation?
Are you able to say "I will not do X. I will do Y" in a clear way to people?
Do you confuse "assertive" with "aggressive?"
I do have emotional support from other friends and family. I suppose part of my concern is that he will then want other blackout dates: the holidays, starting a new job.
This is a problem HOW? This baffles me.
So Dan will sometimes have things come up and need new discussion/negotiation. YOU might want some yourself. Maybe your career has something. If Dan starts to polydate -- negotiating making space for that. If you guys want a pregnancy -- negotiating making space for that. Or JOE might have stuff going on in his life and need to negotiate to make space for that.
This is just part of living -- stuff happens sometimes requiring time and attention. People participating in a polyship may have to be willing to shuffle around, take turns, be willing to help out one of the other people, etc -- for sake of peaceful polyshipping, building up trust and goodwill.
After reading the responses, I am definitely in need of being more compassionate and need to consider his perspective a bit more and look at some of the suggestions you all made.
Glad to hear you are open to other POVs.
Have you both taken or plan to take "prep for marriage classes" at your local county extension office? Place of worship? Online? Elsewhere? Even without the poly angle to it stuff like "where will we spend out holidays?" or "how do we spend our money" or "sex" or "division of labor/chores" often comes into play. You guys could talk this over to make sure you are in agreement before making a larger commitment like marriage.
Holidays -- With his family of origin? Yours? Neither? Both? Adding "GF/BF" in the "family math" or
"poly math" really isn't all that different. Will you spend some holidays with Joe? His family? Stuff needing talking about doesn't have to be horrible. Just needs to be sorted out.
I don't know why you are calling it "black out" dates. It seems to raise your hackles.
You could call it "time management" or "syncing calendars" because that's what it is.
- Each of you (Dan, You, Joe) will need time ALONE to do your stuff.
- Each couple will need time alone (Dan + You), (You + Joe)
- Occasionally the trio might even need to talk about calendar together or relationship management issues or agreements (You, Dan, Joe)
Setting time aside for each of those on the calendar is making time for those. It is not a "black out" of everyone else like they are less worthy or something. It isn't like they won't get their turn. It's tending to each mini relationship within so the OVERALL polyship can be well. Because all the mini relationships inside it are doing ok.
Just some ideas -- I don't know if any of that helps. I do strongly suggest a LONG engagement period to give you both time to seriously consider and prepare for major changes -- marriage is one. Polyshipping is another. Don't rush either. There's no fire. Better to talk and try on agreements and decide "Nope, not for me" and end the engagement to consider marriage and/or the engagement to consider polyshipping. That is successful engagement -- to seriously think and try and decide something.
Way better than failing to Engage seriously or not long enough and rushing it -- and heading into a marriage all wobbly.
Hang in there!
Galagirl