Partner wants blackout dates for BF

MelinaJ

New member
Me and Dan are engaged and have been together for 6 years. I have had prior non-monogamous relationships; but in this relationship I have been poly for only the last 6 months after months of communicating to Dan - who is definitely mono. Basically, Dan will be preparing for the MD exam and has asked me not to go out with other men during a 2 month period while he is studying for the exam 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I think this absolutely ridiculous and I feel he is being selfish and petty. His logic is simple, he is still adjusting to me being with other men and each incident is stressful and painful; studying for the exam is stressful enough and having me spend the night out or just dating will be adding to his stress. I object for a few reasons, 1) I think it will be unfair and likely deal breaking to any man that I am regularly seeing at that time 2) I am going to be under more pressure during that time as well as I take on more of the household duties and deal with his unavailability – basically he is removing an emotional outlet for me .
I think it is a manipulation but I wonder if perhaps I am wrong?? Thoughts.
 
Hi Melina,

It sounds like he's made some compromises for you in the last six months. Can you compromise for him for two months? I agree that it will feel like a long time, especially if you're in NRE right now. But any dude worth keeping in your life will wait. Maybe there's a platonic friend or family member you can go to for emotional support during that time? Or maybe you can express those needs to Dan during that time?

From what I understand the partners of MDs have to be willing to make sacrifices. Have you two talked about this?

I agree that it might be a manipulation, but with good logical reasoning on his side. It being a potential manipulation doesn't take away the good reasons for his request. I'd do it, then after the exams ask him to think about why he asked for the blackout. Will he be asking for blackouts again? This is essentially a veto power. Are you willing to allow him this power at times? Can he function as a mono partner with a poly person without that power?
 
When is this 2 month period? 2 months beginning right now? 2 months beginning in a few months? Beginning in a year?

If it is immediate, I personally would do it. He's not asking you to wait indefinitely to date, he's asking you to wait until he is in a position to emotionally handle the strain that the adjustment takes. While he's studying, he is NOT going to be able to process relationship changes in a healthy way AND be able to absorb and prepare for the exam like he will need to.

If it is way down the road, then I would ask for a compromise. Maybe a minor DADT kind of arrangement where you can date casually but not form any really lasting commitments until he is able to discuss (after his exam).

Opening up a relationship is a major life change - especially when you're monogamous in nature. Taking an exam that is going to forever impact your career, life goals, etc - also a major life change. I don't do more than one major life change at a time (if it's within my control). Someone trying to force me into more than one major life change is not someone respecting me. You have to respect that this exam is a big deal and that he needs to be able to focus. You dating could very easily compromise that focus in a way that could cost him dearly. What's 2 more months of waiting, researching, and thinking about what you want to look for when you're able?
 
Basically, Dan will be preparing for the MD exam and has asked me not to go out with other men during a 2 month period while he is studying for the exam 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It is not manipulation to me. It is simply a request.

He's not always going to be medical exam testing in his life but its one of those big life milestone things that does suck up time, effort and energy and IS stressful. From his POV you dating in a new construct (polyship) is also stressy. 8 weeks to me is pretty short. Shoot, a year is short to me.

He's not saying NO never, just consider taking a break to allow him to succeed at this stressy career thing. He's been trying to work with you on opening a previously monoship shape to something new (polyship) to help you meet your relationship wants/needs/goals. Here is opportunity for you to work with him back to help him meet his career wants/needs/goals. Did you not expect to take turns in a marriage? In 6 years together you never had to take turns? :confused:

You could answer him.

  • "Yes, I will do that"
  • "No, I will not do that."
  • Compromise counter offer -- "Ok, I won't see any NEW people. But X? I've already been seeing him. He's not new. So plan to continue to see him. Does that work for you?"

Then let Dan digest your response. Finish negotiating the terms for the next 8 weeks to something that suits both to the "good enough" place.

Getting all bent out of shape over him just asking seems like emotional outburst to me. Calling his want to meet his career goals "selfish, petty and ridiculous" is not kind. :(

What if it were not studying for medical exams... but his mother was dying? Or him having back surgery? And he asked you to chill on new dating for 8 weeks to let him deal with those things first so he's not having stress on top of stress? So he can then come the polydating thing in better shape and not run down bedraggled? Would you be more willing to do it then?

What is it about this request that pushes your buttons?

  • That it is not fair? (To who? How? You do not expect to take turns in life partnership when stuff comes up?)
  • That X, who is dating you, would break up with you over you being unavailable for a few weeks? (What if you were on a business trip that has NOTHING to do with Dan's schedule -- they'd dump you then too? )
  • That you will be stressy dealing with the house chores and have no emotional outlet if you do not date? (Because you neglected to cultivate other emotional outlets like having friendships? What did you do for emotional outlet before opening up with Dan? Those outlets are no more? )

I think it is a manipulation but I wonder if perhaps I am wrong?? Thoughts.

It's reasonable for him to ask to see if you are willing or not willing to do something. He is not a mind reader. It's a reasonable request and it is reasonable to ASK. I think you could be over-reacting.

All you have to do is say "No, thanks" and not stop dating if you don't want to stop.

Then Dan gets to digest your answer and make his next choices from there.

Galagirl
 
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All good advice. If this time doesn't start now I would agree to not date any NEW people during that time, but I would not stop seeing people I was already seeing, though I would agree to manage my dating schedule so that I had set dates and my availability to him was constant and known.

I don't consider new dating partners to be an emotional outlet in the context you are speaking of - you can choose to focus on making friends with the potential for future dating. You are reading as really pissed off to me, I am wondering if there have been other things Dan has done that you feel are "ridiculous" or if you just really aren't happy in this relationship and would be better with a poly partner who is also dating. Truth is you have a winner in a partner who recognizes their limitations and feelings and is asking ahead of time for what he needs instead of telling you its "fine" and then acting like a passive aggressive jerk later. Most people who post for advice on forums would be thrilled to have a partner willing to ask for what they want, and be asking for a limited time change instead of an open ended one.
 
It sounds like Dan's not totally on board with poly but has acquiesced, even though it is painful for him. Wouldn't some compassion be in order, especially since this is a relatively recent change to your relationship? Two months is not very long. Is your fiance worth that considetation or not?

If I were you, I would ask myself which deal-breaker is more of a risk - the one that could prevent you from getting jiggy with whoever might come along, or the one that hurts your partner of six years.
 
Thank you for the all responses. I do think I should clarify somewhat. The 2 month hiatus will amount to almost a 3 month hiatus because after the 2 month "study period" we will be across the country on vacation for 3 weeks.

Also, I have agreed to refraining from starting any new relationships or new dates but currently I am seeing someone Joe (though that maybe ending soon). Assuming me and Joe remain together we would have been dating for about 3 months and I think it would be wrong for me to say can we hit "pause" for almost 3 months. I did ask Dan to simply let me compromise by just seeing Joe once per month in that study period but he objects to that.

I do have emotional support from other friends and family. I suppose part of my concern is that he will then want other blackout dates: the holidays, starting a new job. After reading the responses, I am definitely in need of being more compassionate and need to consider his perspective a bit more and look at some of the suggestions you all made.
 
Me and Dan are engaged and have been together for 6 years. I have had prior non-monogamous relationships; but in this relationship I have been poly for only the last 6 months after months of communicating to Dan - who is definitely mono. Basically, Dan will be preparing for the MD exam and has asked me not to go out with other men during a 2 month period while he is studying for the exam 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I think this absolutely ridiculous and I feel he is being selfish and petty. His logic is simple, he is still adjusting to me being with other men and each incident is stressful and painful; studying for the exam is stressful enough and having me spend the night out or just dating will be adding to his stress. I object for a few reasons, 1) I think it will be unfair and likely deal breaking to any man that I am regularly seeing at that time 2) I am going to be under more pressure during that time as well as I take on more of the household duties and deal with his unavailability – basically he is removing an emotional outlet for me .
I think it is a manipulation but I wonder if perhaps I am wrong?? Thoughts.

You say you've been "poly." Just how "poly" are you? :) Because that really makes all the difference. If you're mostly casually dating; accepting OKCupid dates, etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to take a stop from dating (bear in mind, if you HAVE started dating someone, and it's brand new, they're not likely to sit around waiting for you for two months).

On the other hand, if you do have a serious relationship (which you've given no indication of in your post, but maybe you just didn't mention), I would say it's definitely NOT cool. I would not mind giving a metamour extra time with a certain partner (especially if s/he were their only partner), but I wouldn't be okay with NO contact for two months.

I think it's best to not do a blackout, but to be extra sure you're giving him the time he needs during this stressful period.
 
Also, I have agreed to refraining from starting any new relationships or new dates but currently I am seeing someone Joe (though that maybe ending soon). Assuming me and Joe remain together we would have been dating for about 3 months and I think it would be wrong for me to say can we hit "pause" for almost 3 months. I did ask Dan to simply let me compromise by just seeing Joe once per month in that study period but he objects to that.

Have you asked him why he objects? Granted, if you're thinking it's about to end, it may not really matter.

Still, though. 2 months. The extra 3 weeks aren't Dan's fault, that's a joint vacation/trip that you've agreed to already so you can't really decide to tack that on top of the ban since it's YOUR choice not Dan's request.
 
I happen to think the request on his part is reasonable and not manipulative.
Part of being partners, is caring for needs that may be "above and beyond" SOMETIMES.
Two months is a long time compared to two days. But two months is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime commitment....

When I had an emotional breakdown-no one (not just not girlfriends, no friends no family etc) came into our home for almost 6 months-except the people who live in it.
Furthermore-my partners didn't go ANYWHERE except to work. They have opposite schedules and they worked their schedules around being able to supervise me and the kids.

No dating.

It sucked. For me and for them. But-in the long run-big picture-it was worth it to all of us-for my LIFE. For OUR life.

Likewise; When I had emergency surgery that knocked me flat on my back for 8 months-there wasn't any option of "going out" on a date, which meant if they wanted to see anyone else-those people had to come here. Because I couldn't take care of myself much less the kids. Another adult HAD TO BE PRESENT. Period.

Two months for him to finish the culmination of education so he can get a job and have a future with you. Not an unreasonable request.
 
I think a better question is why are the two of you getting married? If this kind of thing were happening during my engagement and I were him I would seriously rethink getting legally tied to you. I work with doctors every day and they are some of the most conservative and prideful people I know. I find it astounding that he is willing to marry a poly girl let alone one that doesn't want to help him in his career goals at the expense of her fun time with her new boy friend. I will truly be amazed if the two of you make it down the altar. I'm not speaking ill of you but rather astounded at what an odd couple the two of you seem to make.
 
I don't necessarily think that it is petty but if this:

...Basically, Dan will be preparing for the MD exam and has asked me not to go out with other men during a 2 month period while he is studying for the exam 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week.

- is what he requires for this particular stage of his career , you have to ask yourself if you, and he, are really prepared for the next stages after that. This is certainly not the LAST hurdle?
 
This is certainly not the LAST hurdle?

NO KIDDING!
I KNOW we weren't planning for me to take a fall from a horse that resulted in years of disibility and limited ability to take care of my obligations in our relationship or the ensuing surgeries and need for one on one care 24/7....

Months go by when i can't manage a "date" with EITHER of my men. When we see each other only in passing-even though we live together, because we have responsibilities that get in the way.

And that is with NONE of us working in a profession (like medical care) that could require emergency runs in the middle of the night to the hospital etc.......

Like I said before, 2 months seems like forever when you compare it to 2 days. But when you consider it in terms of the WHOLE PICTURE-it's a drop in the bucket.

If I was dating someone and they couldn't keep busy for 2 months while I dealt with shit-they wouldn't have to move on-they would already be left behind.....
 
I am in agreement with basically everyone else here. I do not think that 3 months is the end of the world. His reasoning behind wanting you to do as he asks is sound and reasonable. Now... just to clarify, I wouldn't find it reasonable to put any current relationships on hiatus for that long, but the one relationship that you are in doesn't seem to be anything amazing. It DOES sound like the two of you have some things to talk about, though.
 
If I was dating someone and they couldn't keep busy for 2 months while I dealt with shit-they wouldn't have to move on-they would already be left behind.....

I disagree, politely, but disagree. Of course I could keep myself busy for two months. That doesn't mean I'm still available for them when they decide they're ready for me again.....

I'm hardly going to put my life on hold for two months.
 
I could guess wrong here. But to me you seem to have many things going on at once.

GENERAL

  • anxiety management

ENGAGED TO DAN THINGS

  • Enaged to Seriously Consider Marriage to this man
    • Which includes considering "Life with a medico" (which is a stressy career path)

  • Recently opened to Polyshipping with Dan 6mos ago
    • Includes coping with Polydating affecting home time management/responsibilities (ex: house chores)
    • Includes how polyshipping will fit within the context of a marriage
    • Includes learning to "do" poly with him and still forming agreements

HINGE PROBLEMS
  • Possible break up with Joe stress
    • Not leaking my anxiety about that on to Dan

  • Time Management as a hinge with 2 sweeties
    • In daily living: schedule problems and finding balance so everyone gets enough care and attention (included me on my own)
    • Yearly Living and Other people (ex: holiday schedules, vacations)

Having them all pile on seems to be stressing you out and making it hard to deal with one thing at a time. Do I guess wrong? :(

The 2 month hiatus will amount to almost a 3 month hiatus because after the 2 month "study period" we will be across the country on vacation for 3 weeks.

What is "hiatus" here anyway? Zero contact? Email, text, phone contact? WHAT?

Try to relax, enjoy getting to know Joe, but don't change your whole life around for a dude you've only been dating for 3 mos either. Enjoy the getting to know you time. It's ok to TAKE TIME. There's email, phone visits, etc. Long Distance relationships do it all the time. What else do military spouses do when solider person is off on tour? You can handle this. It will be fine. If Joe falls to pieces at the first challenge in the relationship when it's something so small -- better you find out he's a flimsy flier now than when you have invested more in it.

3 mos is not all that long or different from 2 mos to me. I can appreciate it seems long to you.

If this is going to be a problem for you, think twice about marrying a medico.

People who are really independent and need less "togetherness" -- those might do well partnered to a medico whose career sucks up a lot of time. Long hours and double shifts and sudden on call emergencies and such. People who enjoy doing things together a lot -- might not do well with a medico because they might feel more lonely or miss the "togetherness" more. Neither is right or wrong, but it IS a thing to think about personality wise. Do you and Dan's personalities fit here?

Because Dan represents the older relationship at 6 years and seems "solid" and Joe reprensents the new thing at 3 mos? I could see where you are anxious/fearful to secure it and stabilize it. But don't get so caught up in it or rushing it that you end up creating poly hell on the (you + Dan) layer by ignoring or neglecting tending to that relationship.

It's also ok to tell Dan -- "I won't see new people so it doesn't stress you out. I plan to keep seeing Joe though, since he's already in the mix."

Let him digest that. That's part of the reality of having agreed to polydate here -- you actually have a newish BF named Joe and he's not a coat you can hang in the closet and take out once in a while.

Also, I have agreed to refraining from starting any new relationships or new dates but currently I am seeing someone Joe (though that maybe ending soon). Assuming me and Joe remain together we would have been dating for about 3 months and I think it would be wrong for me to say can we hit "pause" for almost 3 months. I did ask Dan to simply let me compromise by just seeing Joe once per month in that study period but he objects to that.

Need more data. What's his objection? Because Joe is in your house playing Wii with you and that dancing around distracts his study? Fair enough. Could you see Joe out of the house then?

Need more data -- what's up with you evaluating things as "wrong?" It's not wrong to ASK Joe things. It's just what is needed at this time. No more "right" or "wrong" than things like

  • I need to pee now
  • I need to eat now
  • I need to go to work now
  • I need to go to sleep now.
  • I need to be on a different schedule for 2-3 months that is more mindful of Dan's study time now

And you are not a mind reader so you have to ASK Joe if he's willing to work out calendar things with you or not. What is it about being asked or doing the asking that unnerves you?:confused:
Are you good at negotiation? :confused:
Are you able to say "I will not do X. I will do Y" in a clear way to people? :confused:
Do you confuse "assertive" with "aggressive?" :confused:

I do have emotional support from other friends and family. I suppose part of my concern is that he will then want other blackout dates: the holidays, starting a new job.

This is a problem HOW? This baffles me. :confused:

So Dan will sometimes have things come up and need new discussion/negotiation. YOU might want some yourself. Maybe your career has something. If Dan starts to polydate -- negotiating making space for that. If you guys want a pregnancy -- negotiating making space for that. Or JOE might have stuff going on in his life and need to negotiate to make space for that.

This is just part of living -- stuff happens sometimes requiring time and attention. People participating in a polyship may have to be willing to shuffle around, take turns, be willing to help out one of the other people, etc -- for sake of peaceful polyshipping, building up trust and goodwill.

After reading the responses, I am definitely in need of being more compassionate and need to consider his perspective a bit more and look at some of the suggestions you all made.

Glad to hear you are open to other POVs.

Have you both taken or plan to take "prep for marriage classes" at your local county extension office? Place of worship? Online? Elsewhere? Even without the poly angle to it stuff like "where will we spend out holidays?" or "how do we spend our money" or "sex" or "division of labor/chores" often comes into play. You guys could talk this over to make sure you are in agreement before making a larger commitment like marriage.

Holidays -- With his family of origin? Yours? Neither? Both? Adding "GF/BF" in the "family math" or "poly math" really isn't all that different. Will you spend some holidays with Joe? His family? Stuff needing talking about doesn't have to be horrible. Just needs to be sorted out.

I don't know why you are calling it "black out" dates. It seems to raise your hackles. :confused: You could call it "time management" or "syncing calendars" because that's what it is.

  • Each of you (Dan, You, Joe) will need time ALONE to do your stuff.
  • Each couple will need time alone (Dan + You), (You + Joe)
  • Occasionally the trio might even need to talk about calendar together or relationship management issues or agreements (You, Dan, Joe)

Setting time aside for each of those on the calendar is making time for those. It is not a "black out" of everyone else like they are less worthy or something. It isn't like they won't get their turn. It's tending to each mini relationship within so the OVERALL polyship can be well. Because all the mini relationships inside it are doing ok.

Just some ideas -- I don't know if any of that helps. I do strongly suggest a LONG engagement period to give you both time to seriously consider and prepare for major changes -- marriage is one. Polyshipping is another. Don't rush either. There's no fire. Better to talk and try on agreements and decide "Nope, not for me" and end the engagement to consider marriage and/or the engagement to consider polyshipping. That is successful engagement -- to seriously think and try and decide something.

Way better than failing to Engage seriously or not long enough and rushing it -- and heading into a marriage all wobbly.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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I remember telling my ex-GF when we were going through a rough time "If you're going to break up with me, just don't do it in the few weeks before boards." (she didn't)

While I took the veterinary-doctor boards not the human-doctor ones, I cannot even start to explain how stressful they were and how they were my only focus for well over two months beforehand. I imagine it is even worse for human-doctors who have their whole residency/fellowship/career determined by how well they do on boards, whereas we just have to pass one boards toward the end of school.

Not sure which of the "Step" exams your fiance is taking - if it is one of the earlier ones, be aware that there will be more, or if it is one of the later ones - what coping strategies did you use to get through those previous studying periods?
 
I don't get why this is bothering the OP, in all honesty. You're going to be a doctor's wife, you'll reap the benefits of his success not just by being there for him at his time of need but through out all those times. My sis-in-law married a doc. She worked and raised their 3 girls while doing all of this. Now she (they) own two homes, plays golf daily, has about 300 shoes in her closet etc. She sacrificed (not poly very mono) a lot of her time for him. She'd never change that to not help her husband be a success.

If you don't feel supportive now, will you be able to later on in this relationship?
 
I understand the OP. I mean, I may or may not. But I can see why she might be concerned. To me, if you accept me as poly, you don't put a "stop" to that at any time. Anymore than you could tell me to quit my job for a month. Or stop seeing my friends for a month.

I, and I'm sure the OP, would be willing to put extra time into a relationship. But you can't ask me to just ignore a relationship, any relationship, for more than a day.

Being poly to me isn't about having extra fun, or filling in a "slot." It's about developing connections, romantically if so inclined, with another. I would need a partner of mine to respect that and to see that "blackout" dates imply that the rest of my life is somehow secondary to their wants and needs. I couldn't completely ignore a new partner. It doesn't mean that the OP's fiance isn't important; simply that she doesn't want to put everything else on hold.
 
I understand the OP. I mean, I may or may not. But I can see why she might be concerned. To me, if you accept me as poly, you don't put a "stop" to that at any time. Anymore than you could tell me to quit my job for a month. Or stop seeing my friends for a month.

I, and I'm sure the OP, would be willing to put extra time into a relationship. But you can't ask me to just ignore a relationship, any relationship, for more than a day.

Being poly to me isn't about having extra fun, or filling in a "slot." It's about developing connections, romantically if so inclined, with another. I would need a partner of mine to respect that and to see that "blackout" dates imply that the rest of my life is somehow secondary to their wants and needs. I couldn't completely ignore a new partner. It doesn't mean that the OP's fiance isn't important; simply that she doesn't want to put everything else on hold.

That's just it I don't believe he accepts the fact that she is poly. He is in the process of trying to but he is not there yet. There might be a part of him that believes marrying her will cause her to end it. Perhaps by being married she will feel more shameful of doing it because then if their relationship ends it would be her fault because she is "cheating". I really believe this blackout period is going to be the least of her worries. I would strongly suggest that they not get married until he is 100 percent enthusiastic about her having other relationships.
 
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