MustardMike
New member
Hello,
So I started dating a poly girl from work a while ago and things have been going well. I’ve had some hurtles to overcome with insecurity, which still persist. I’m managing my insecurity much better then I once was with the help of lots of communication and patients. Now, I entered into this relationship knowing that there would inevitably be other guys in the future. In fact when we starting seeing each other, she had two other boyfriends. This didn’t bother me. This isn’t even my first poly relationship, I was in one long time ago, but that one sadly crashed and burned (turned out that boyfriends aren’t like Pokemon).
She’s hung out with a few guys in the duration of our relationship, some ex partners, some new sexual playmates. I had some issues with the former, but they (my issues) didn’t last long before I was able to deal with them (but then shortly after that point she decided she didn’t want to go down that road again). And the later I had some rather large issues with at first, but they also were addressed and subsided for the most part. I even got to the point where I encouraged her to go visit him.
Now to get to why I am here. She has started seeing a new guy, a guy from work. We all know each other, although he doesn’t work in our department anymore. I am very uncomfortable with the fact that she is seeing someone else from work. I guess I am being territorial, this was “our” space and now its not. I don’t see him around as much, but still there is the occasional time we see him at coffee, see him at lunch. I know I’m not dealing with it well. I’ve withdrawn my self from some gathering so that I don’t have to be around them, mostly lunches. When she first was becoming interested in him, I didn’t think much of it, didn’t think about how I would feel about her seeing someone else from work. I thought it was nice that she was liking someone else. Then they started hanging out and things have started to get more serious (although they are not in a relationship and he isn’t looking for one either) with her spending the night at his place. I have talked to her about my “territorial” feelings, that I didn’t like that she was starting to see someone else from work. Her response, though I understood it I didn’t necessarily like it, “its highly likely that I will start seeing people at work because I spend most of my time there”. Nether of us have large social circles and nothing really outside of work, so I can see where her comments are coming from.
I just don’t know how much of me not liking her and this guy has to do with general insecurity with a new partner and how much is the fact that its someone at work. I’m not an alpha male by any means, i don’t get mad or jealous that often and never have had an issue with “territory”, but I just don’t like this situation.
We almost broke up over this, but we talked and I told her I would work on my insecurity. I’m not sure if I’m really a good enough boyfriend for her, I can’t get passed this work guy. I would never ask her to pick between me and poly. And I feel that I couldn’t ask her to pick between me and this other guy from work because it might come across as me vs poly. Not to mention that I just don’t like ultimatums, if given a choice to make an ultimatum, I will would rather just be the one to step down.
How do people in this community deal with territorial issues, feelings, situations?
So I started dating a poly girl from work a while ago and things have been going well. I’ve had some hurtles to overcome with insecurity, which still persist. I’m managing my insecurity much better then I once was with the help of lots of communication and patients. Now, I entered into this relationship knowing that there would inevitably be other guys in the future. In fact when we starting seeing each other, she had two other boyfriends. This didn’t bother me. This isn’t even my first poly relationship, I was in one long time ago, but that one sadly crashed and burned (turned out that boyfriends aren’t like Pokemon).
She’s hung out with a few guys in the duration of our relationship, some ex partners, some new sexual playmates. I had some issues with the former, but they (my issues) didn’t last long before I was able to deal with them (but then shortly after that point she decided she didn’t want to go down that road again). And the later I had some rather large issues with at first, but they also were addressed and subsided for the most part. I even got to the point where I encouraged her to go visit him.
Now to get to why I am here. She has started seeing a new guy, a guy from work. We all know each other, although he doesn’t work in our department anymore. I am very uncomfortable with the fact that she is seeing someone else from work. I guess I am being territorial, this was “our” space and now its not. I don’t see him around as much, but still there is the occasional time we see him at coffee, see him at lunch. I know I’m not dealing with it well. I’ve withdrawn my self from some gathering so that I don’t have to be around them, mostly lunches. When she first was becoming interested in him, I didn’t think much of it, didn’t think about how I would feel about her seeing someone else from work. I thought it was nice that she was liking someone else. Then they started hanging out and things have started to get more serious (although they are not in a relationship and he isn’t looking for one either) with her spending the night at his place. I have talked to her about my “territorial” feelings, that I didn’t like that she was starting to see someone else from work. Her response, though I understood it I didn’t necessarily like it, “its highly likely that I will start seeing people at work because I spend most of my time there”. Nether of us have large social circles and nothing really outside of work, so I can see where her comments are coming from.
I just don’t know how much of me not liking her and this guy has to do with general insecurity with a new partner and how much is the fact that its someone at work. I’m not an alpha male by any means, i don’t get mad or jealous that often and never have had an issue with “territory”, but I just don’t like this situation.
We almost broke up over this, but we talked and I told her I would work on my insecurity. I’m not sure if I’m really a good enough boyfriend for her, I can’t get passed this work guy. I would never ask her to pick between me and poly. And I feel that I couldn’t ask her to pick between me and this other guy from work because it might come across as me vs poly. Not to mention that I just don’t like ultimatums, if given a choice to make an ultimatum, I will would rather just be the one to step down.
How do people in this community deal with territorial issues, feelings, situations?