territorial help needed

MustardMike

New member
Hello,

So I started dating a poly girl from work a while ago and things have been going well. I’ve had some hurtles to overcome with insecurity, which still persist. I’m managing my insecurity much better then I once was with the help of lots of communication and patients. Now, I entered into this relationship knowing that there would inevitably be other guys in the future. In fact when we starting seeing each other, she had two other boyfriends. This didn’t bother me. This isn’t even my first poly relationship, I was in one long time ago, but that one sadly crashed and burned (turned out that boyfriends aren’t like Pokemon).

She’s hung out with a few guys in the duration of our relationship, some ex partners, some new sexual playmates. I had some issues with the former, but they (my issues) didn’t last long before I was able to deal with them (but then shortly after that point she decided she didn’t want to go down that road again). And the later I had some rather large issues with at first, but they also were addressed and subsided for the most part. I even got to the point where I encouraged her to go visit him.

Now to get to why I am here. She has started seeing a new guy, a guy from work. We all know each other, although he doesn’t work in our department anymore. I am very uncomfortable with the fact that she is seeing someone else from work. I guess I am being territorial, this was “our” space and now its not. I don’t see him around as much, but still there is the occasional time we see him at coffee, see him at lunch. I know I’m not dealing with it well. I’ve withdrawn my self from some gathering so that I don’t have to be around them, mostly lunches. When she first was becoming interested in him, I didn’t think much of it, didn’t think about how I would feel about her seeing someone else from work. I thought it was nice that she was liking someone else. Then they started hanging out and things have started to get more serious (although they are not in a relationship and he isn’t looking for one either) with her spending the night at his place. I have talked to her about my “territorial” feelings, that I didn’t like that she was starting to see someone else from work. Her response, though I understood it I didn’t necessarily like it, “its highly likely that I will start seeing people at work because I spend most of my time there”. Nether of us have large social circles and nothing really outside of work, so I can see where her comments are coming from.

I just don’t know how much of me not liking her and this guy has to do with general insecurity with a new partner and how much is the fact that its someone at work. I’m not an alpha male by any means, i don’t get mad or jealous that often and never have had an issue with “territory”, but I just don’t like this situation.

We almost broke up over this, but we talked and I told her I would work on my insecurity. I’m not sure if I’m really a good enough boyfriend for her, I can’t get passed this work guy. I would never ask her to pick between me and poly. And I feel that I couldn’t ask her to pick between me and this other guy from work because it might come across as me vs poly. Not to mention that I just don’t like ultimatums, if given a choice to make an ultimatum, I will would rather just be the one to step down.

How do people in this community deal with territorial issues, feelings, situations?
 
I think perhaps because you work with her it makes your workplace feel a little bit like intimate time or a date. Her inviting this guy into a relationship makes it feel like she has just invited a third wheel on your date. You will need to adjust your thought pattern about what the workplace actually is.
 
Territoriality. It's good you've acknowledged it, that is the first step to overcoming it, or at least dealing with it in a less stressful way.

I have read here about couples who live in liberal cities with a large poly community with which they are involved, but one partner will tell the other they can't date from the pool of poly acquaintances! What? They want the partner to travel miles out of town to date when there are prospects right in their neighborhood. Otherwise they might have... "feelings" about this or that prospect. Uncomfortable feelings.

Your situation is similar. If your gf and you spend most of your time at work, and make most of your platonic friends at work, it just make sense, as polys, that either of you might be attracted to and want to date a work friend.

What is the worst part of your gf dating this guy from work? Seeing them talking, flirting, maybe PDAs? Are you out as poly at work, or are you worried people won't understand, and you'll lose status?
 
Thank you both for your replies. Both have added some things for me to think about.

And yes, most of our department knows about our poly in some form or another.
 
Could you find somewhere else to work? Sounds like she's planning on using work as a dating pool, do you want to constantly be around your metamores?
 
Oh I am trying to find a new job, but thats due to completely different reasons. My managers take advantage of me and arn't willing to give me a promotion. Hard to find good IT work in a small community.

We do share a group of close work friends that does stuff together. In a way it does feel like a sudo-date situation type of deal. So having someone else in that environment that she likes might be perceived by my reptile brain as ... a conflict, territory invasion, someone trying to take a possession of mine (i really dislike saying that last one)?

I could just accept the fact and carry on, but that doesn't address the reptile emotions. It still would deep down in me.

I could ask her not to see this guy, not to see people from work. But I don't like putting limitations on her or our relationship.
 
So having someone else in that environment that she likes might be perceived by my reptile brain as ... a conflict, territory invasion, someone trying to take a possession of mine (i really dislike saying that last one)?

I could just accept the fact and carry on, but that doesn't address the reptile emotions. It still would deep down in me.

Jealousy is common, VERY common, but it is still something we should identify as an emotion to work though.

Link to one of the Golden Nugget threads about jealousy: Jealous and Such
Failing that, just Google "jealousy" and you'll have more research than you can wrap your head around.
 
My BF and I also work together and yeah it would be weird if one of us picked a new partner at the office...but we also have a VERY small office. We fell in love here and it does feel a bit like "our" space, but I hope that if he had a new partner here at work or anywhere I could accept and like her and it wouldn't be a problem.
 
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