Child related issues......

DandGsgirl

New member
I am in a V with my Husband and Boyfriend and have lived with our Son in my boyfriends house for just over a year. It has gone very well so far but two issues have now come up with regards to kids. I have more sex with my boyfriend than my husband, I guess in a average week I would make out with my boyfriend 5/6 nights and usually only 1 night with my husband. My Hubby and I share a room together, and I go to my boyfriends room for sex, but my husband insists that I go back to sleep with him when my boyfriend and I are finished. He says that he does not want our Son seeing me sleeping in my boyfriends bed. My boyfriend is very fed up with this, and wants us to spend whole nights together, and allow my Son to see us doing so. He says that he is fed up of sneaking around in his own house.

Also, my boyfriend wants us to have a child together. My Husband has stated from the start that me becoming pregnant by him would be a deal breaker for him. He is not willing to even discuss these issues and threatens to leave. My boyfriend says that I should let him. It causes a lot of tension between them at times, which is a shame as they have been friends for a long time.

Does anyone have experience or advice regarding these two issues? Thanks.
 
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Wow, that's a tough one. Few questions... how old is your son? How long have you been in each of your two relationships and how long all living together? I assume your bf doesn't have any kids? How old are you (wondering if you have time to put having a child with bf off for now). The way I'm reading this, both men are primaries. Did you plan to have more kids or was an only the plan? Trying to see some compromises here but it's tough. Someone is going to change their mind or walk.
 
Well it sounds like there are a few conflicts here.

1) Your husband sounds monogamous-minded and that he's accommodating your polyamorous disposition.

2) Your boyfriend is pressuring you to disrespect your husband's boundaries - very much not cool (although I completely understand where he's coming from).

So here's what you guys can/could do:

1) Tell your boyfriend to cool it. You're caught between two men who both want to spend more time with you and each have their own desires and requirements. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FULFILL ALL THOSE REQUIREMENTS. That is one of the core advantages of polyamory

2) If your boyfriend wants children but you've agreed not to do that with your husband then your boyfriend can look elsewhere for babymaking ;) again this is one of the reasons we are poly.

3) You could all sleep in the same bed. I am in a domestic V right now and that's what we do so that no one is left out. Yeah, it caused a HUGE amount of stress when we decided to try out this method but honestly now I wouldn't go back. It's nice to have everyone together at the end of the day for snuggles. Sometimes sex too.

4) Would your husband consider dating another woman so that he doesn't need to put so much pressure on you? It can be difficult when you're the hub of several spokes. You've got many people wanting your time and attention and you can't please everyone. It's not your job! Like I said, I'm in a domestic V but I also have a secondary girlfriend who has her own place. For us, this works well because when I go to see the other girl, I can just stay at her place and there's no conflict of space.
 
My husband had a rule "no getting pg" I understand his reasoning for a casual relationship and why he wouldn't want to raise another man's baby etc but if Sam and I have been together for years and we are married then imo that rule doesn't apply. To be honest at that point if nate felt the need to leave me over this then he is free to do so. He doesn't control my body and it's not fair to my other husband to deny him a family because nate says no.

It's not a decision I'd take lightly
 
I do not get a clear sense of what YOU want other than maybe some "stop stressing out the hinge."
  • Where do YOU want to be sleeping after sex share? (Maybe you want your own room, maybe you are happy how it is, maybe you want something else.)
  • How do YOU feel about not having a child with bf? (Maybe you are done having kids. But are fine with him having them with someone else.)

Your body belongs to you. And what you do with it be it sex share, sleep share, or baby making is your decision.

As for son, do you have a co-parenting agreement with the bf? Because if not, son's upbringing things are determined by you and his father only. BF could respect that as the price of admission to dating a married mother.

If living together is causing friction because he doesn't want to "sneak around his own house" and he is struggling to go from living alone to living with 3 other people? Maybe you call living together not doable at this time -- seek a place nearby. Perhaps that's the happy medium -- less sex with BF, but with overnights? DH doesn't have to worry about child seeing you in BF's bed because it is in another home. Could that work?

Or work toward moving to a shared home with a more "doable" floorplan -- like bedrooms that share a bathroom, so child doesn't see you moving from one to the other via the hall?

It might be easiest for YOU to state what you position is, and then step back and let people digest that for a bit before trying to come together to sort it out.

They sound compete-y over you right now so you end up feeling "tug-of-war" or "put in the middle." Rather than everyone thinking about what is best for both the individuals and the group as a whole -- the polymath layers thing. The health of the overall polyship is made up of all the little mini relationships inside -- and right now (DH + BF) relationship, (DH + (You + BF)) and (BF + (you + DH)) is wonky.

Galagirl
 
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Having a baby should never be used as leverage in a relationship. Just because the guy wants you to have his baby doesn't mean a new human being should be brought into the world to make him happy and so he can feel like he got one over on your husband. It doesn't sound like you're in a very nurturing kind of environment for a child. How is your kid doing?

It sounds like you have very deep and serious issues that need addressing. First, the way in which your husband feels he has to control your relationship with your boyfriend, as if he owns you - NOT COOL. Second, your boyfriend's combative and competitive reaction to that and his attempt at influencing you to do what he wants instead of honoring your agreements - NOT COOL.

These things should have been discussed and worked out before living together. It sounds like your husband really doesn't want you to fully participate in another relationship, and is possibly doing it out of desperation. Was it out of needing a place to stay? How long have you been in two relationships and how soon into having a bf did you all move in together? Why did you move into your bf's house?

Most importantly - WHAT DO YOU WANT????
 
Wow, that's a tough one. Few questions... how old is your son? How long have you been in each of your two relationships and how long all living together? I assume your bf doesn't have any kids? How old are you (wondering if you have time to put having a child with bf off for now). The way I'm reading this, both men are primaries. Did you plan to have more kids or was an only the plan? Trying to see some compromises here but it's tough. Someone is going to change their mind or walk.

My Son is six years old and I have been in a relationship with his Father for eight years and have known my boyfriend for the same length of time. (He has been my Husbands friend since school.) We have all lived together for just over a year. My boyfriend does not have any kids of his own. I'm 26! I don't really think as one as primary, except when it comes to sex. I would like at least one more child. Your right it is tough, but I love my Husband and don't want him to walk.
 
Well it sounds like there are a few conflicts here.

1) Your husband sounds monogamous-minded and that he's accommodating your polyamorous disposition.

My husband is bisexual and has a male lover. He does not include myself or my boyfriend in that relationship, in fact he keeps it totally separate. My relationship with my boyfriend started as a sexual one. It was initiated by my Husband because he wanted to see me with another Man.

2) Your boyfriend is pressuring you to disrespect your husband's boundaries - very much not cool (although I completely understand where he's coming from).

He does not want to hurt my Husband, but he loves me and wants to feel that he is more than just someone I have sex with. I love him and want to give these things to him but at the same time not hurt my husband.

So here's what you guys can/could do:

1) Tell your boyfriend to cool it. You're caught between two men who both want to spend more time with you and each have their own desires and requirements. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FULFILL ALL THOSE REQUIREMENTS. That is one of the core advantages of polyamory

I really do want to fulfill both of their needs though, and I have up to this point. Now that my boyfriend wants more, problems have arisen.


2) If your boyfriend wants children but you've agreed not to do that with your husband then your boyfriend can look elsewhere for babymaking ;) again this is one of the reasons we are poly.

My Boyfriend wants a child with me though!

3) You could all sleep in the same bed. I am in a domestic V right now and that's what we do so that no one is left out. Yeah, it caused a HUGE amount of stress when we decided to try out this method but honestly now I wouldn't go back. It's nice to have everyone together at the end of the day for snuggles. Sometimes sex too.

My Boyfriend is not comfortable with having a threesome with my Husband due to my Husband being bisexual, but also because they know each other so well, and he would not want us all to sleep together. We do not mind my Husband watching us together and masturbating, but he does not join in.

4) Would your husband consider dating another woman so that he doesn't need to put so much pressure on you? It can be difficult when you're the hub of several spokes. You've got many people wanting your time and attention and you can't please everyone. It's not your job! Like I said, I'm in a domestic V but I also have a secondary girlfriend who has her own place. For us, this works well because when I go to see the other girl, I can just stay at her place and there's no conflict of space.

He does not want to date with other woman, although he is free to do so. He is happy with his gay relationship, but is not that comfortable with his sexuality and keeps it mostly to himself.
 
I do not get a clear sense of what YOU want other than maybe some "stop stressing out the hinge."
  • Where do YOU want to be sleeping after sex share? (Maybe you want your own room, maybe you are happy how it is, maybe you want something else.)
  • How do YOU feel about not having a child with bf? (Maybe you are done having kids. But are fine with him having them with someone else.)

I find it so hard to admit the truth to myself of what I feel with regards to the answers to those two question. It is easier to deny my own feelings and my boyfriends wants than it is to hurt my husband. My Husband is so much more vunerable emotionally compared to my boyfriend or I. The truth is that I very much want to sleep with my boyfriend, and I also want to have his child. It upsets me to even admit to it though.

Your body belongs to you. And what you do with it be it sex share, sleep share, or baby making is your decision.

As for son, do you have a co-parenting agreement with the bf? Because if not, son's upbringing things are determined by you and his father only. BF could respect that as the price of admission to dating a married mother.

We have no co-parenting agreement. My Husband is very much his Father and although my boyfriend loves our Son, and our Son loves him, they are more like pals than Father and Son.
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Having a baby should never be used as leverage in a relationship. Just because the guy wants you to have his baby doesn't mean a new human being should be brought into the world to make him happy and so he can feel like he got one over on your husband. It doesn't sound like you're in a very nurturing kind of environment for a child. How is your kid doing?

My boyfriend cares about my husband, they have been close long before my Husband and I met. He does not want to get one over him. They are not combative at all, even about these two issues, they just want different things. My Son is in a very nurturing enviroment. He gets all the love and support he needs, and then some more for good measure. He is not aware of any problems between us and is very happy in the house we are in. He is doing very well, and both his Father and I are proud of him.

These things should have been discussed and worked out before living together. It sounds like your husband really doesn't want you to fully participate in another relationship, and is possibly doing it out of desperation. Was it out of needing a place to stay? How long have you been in two relationships and how soon into having a bf did you all move in together? Why did you move into your bf's house?

My Husband does want me to participate in another relationship, but I do think that any Man might have misgivings at times in the type of relationship we have. He does have his moments, and he needs lots of love and support at these times. I give him that as well as I can. My Husband was made redundant and we moved in with my boyfriend because it was the best solution to our problem. My Husband and I are both in work now and could now get our own place together, but do not want to.

Most importantly - WHAT DO YOU WANT????

I want what my boyfriend wants, but I don't want to hurt, or lose the Husband I love!
 
My husband had a rule "no getting pg" I understand his reasoning for a casual relationship and why he wouldn't want to raise another man's baby etc but if Sam and I have been together for years and we are married then imo that rule doesn't apply. To be honest at that point if nate felt the need to leave me over this then he is free to do so. He doesn't control my body and it's not fair to my other husband to deny him a family because nate says no.

It's not a decision I'd take lightly

I agree, I don't want my Husband to leave, but kind of know that it may come to that. It is not something I could ever take lightly either.
 
It was stupid not to discuss this way beforehand so you could all get used to what you're going to have to do for everyone to get their needs met. There isn't any way out of this that isn't going to lead to heartache unless you can get your boyfriend to accept that his babymaking has to be done with other women and you also learn to be happy and supportive about that.

Always discuss the limitations of relationships. There isn't any reason this couldn't have been solved six years or more ago. Wanting kids is a huge thing.
 
The truth is that I very much want to sleep with my boyfriend, and I also want to have his child. It upsets me to even admit to it though.

Being honest with yourself upsets you? :(

Rather than beat up on yourself over it and dwell in upset keeping it in the stuck, you could think of ways to solve things to help move it forward.

I already suggested moving out. Then DH does not have to deal with child seeing you in BF bed. When you visit BF you can stay overnight and get to sleep with him which meets both your want and BF want to sleep share. There could be other ways to solve it. But I would start there with that part of the problem. It's can be changed back to how it was if trying something new doesn't work better.

The desire to have a child with bf could be the next thing to solve. That one you cannot "change back" so tread carefully there.

But being honest is important. With yourself and others. To avoid doing conflict resolution and holding info back? That is not helping any of you move forward in a fully informed way. :(

Galagirl
 
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The reason I asked is not to pass judgment but simply because I don't think enough women ask themselves why they want to have a baby. Too many mistakenly believe that their bringing a child into the world will prove something, usually either their own worth as a woman or their love for a man. It is terribly misguided. So it is always a good thing to question one's motivation, especially if responsibilty for the physical and emotional health of a vulnerable little being depends on it.
 
I think the core problem here is putting your own needs on a shelf behind the needs and wants of your partners.

The truth is, you're being manipulated by your husband and your boyfriend. You're caught in the middle of two people telling you what they want, not asking what you want. It's your body. Whose baby you grow in it and whose bed you sleep it in, those are your choices and your choices alone. Other people can offer their preference, but they don't have the right to make demands and threats if they don't get their way.

I don't think this situation is healthy for your husband. It doesn't sound like he's comfortable seeing your relationship right THERE in his face, every day. I'm sure he genuinely believes that he's protecting the kid by not wanting to see you sleeping in two beds, but I think that's also him projecting his own insecurities. Kids don't care where their parents sleep. They care that they're loved and taken care of. Kids don't care who fathers their siblings. They care that the siblings won't replace them and take away their love.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what you want. You. Not what they want and whose wants you're more worried about. When you figure out what you want, and why, then you need to communicate it to your partners in a way that expresses your needs and feelings.

Anyone who chooses to leave you because your needs aren't important enough to them, isn't worth holding on to.
 
Being honest with yourself upsets you? :(

What upsets me is that what my boyfriend and I want, is not what my Husbands wants. It will possible upset him, and he is a caring, kind and loving man. To see him upset, upsets me, but I cannot help what I want.

I already suggested moving out. Then DH does not have to deal with child seeing you in BF bed. When you visit BF you can stay overnight and get to sleep with him which meets both your want and BF want to sleep share. There could be other ways to solve it. But I would start there with that part of the problem. It's can be changed back to how it was if trying something new doesn't work better.

We have two issues, pretty big ones I admit, but other than that, the four of us are very, very happy living together. My Husband, Son and I do not want to move out, and my Boyfriend does not want us too.

The desire to have a child with bf could be the next thing to solve. That one you cannot "change back" so tread carefully there.

I very much want another child, and feel as if I'm ready for that. I cannot help my feeling with regard to wanting the Father to be my Boyfriend, and not my Husband, that is just the way I feel. My Boyfriend wants to be the Dad. It is something we have discussed for many an hour, it is not something we take lightly, and due to my Husbands feelings, we have not yet decided to go ahead with it, although I think it is going to happen, I'm just not sure when.
.......
 
The reason I asked is not to pass judgment but simply because I don't think enough women ask themselves why they want to have a baby. Too many mistakenly believe that their bringing a child into the world will prove something, usually either their own worth as a woman or their love for a man. It is terribly misguided. So it is always a good thing to question one's motivation, especially if responsibilty for the physical and emotional health of a vulnerable little being depends on it.

I am at an age where lots of my friends/family are having, planning or have recently had a child. I can honestly say that I cannot believe that any of them did so to prove something, whether that be their own worth as a woman, or their love for their man. I think that is a little cynical. Do you have a child of your own. If you do, you will know how special that is, and how a relationship with a child of your own is.

Why do I want a child? It is a natural instinct for a woman to want a baby, maybe I'm broody, or have baby fever. I have a natural want to have another child, maybe it is chemical. I also want to give my Son a sibling that is somewhere near his own age. I love my boyfriend very much, and he feels the same way? We do not need to prove that to each other or anyone else. However, loving someone as much as we love each other does lead to wanting to share the most beautiful thing you can share with anyone. I think that is perfectly natural. Don't you?
 
I feel sorry for any kid that gets born into this situation.

My Son is in that situation..... He lives in a stable and loving enviroment. He is a gentle, charming, loving, bright and well balanced boy. He is surrounded by people that love him very much. His Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and friends. He has a Father that adores him, and he adores! My Boyfriend also spoils him and smothers him with lots of love, and I'm as certain as anyone can be that he will be as good a Dad to our child, as my Husband is to our Son. My Son has everything a child of his age wants, or needs. I also think that I'm a good Mother.

I don't think you need to feel sorry for any Kid that gets born into our family, quite the opposite........
 
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