Curious about ending relationships..

Sounds reasonable OPM.
 
I see a common theme here, with female partners getting kicked out of a relationship because the other female, usually a primary partner, got jealous.

Interesting observation. I feel there have been issues in my relationship for the same reason. They were old hands at open marriage, but new to actual relationships.
 
Op, I've been 'victim' to the jealous primary as well. And it isn't fun. For two years, she made my life and my boyfriend's life pure hell.

I'm going to share my story. It's the worst case scenario but it's very realistic.

She is weak in mind , body , integrity , self esteem and used all of those things combined to gain strength and force to end our then 2 year relationship when her own polyamorous relationship ended with her lover. Suddenly fearing nobody else would want her now , with an illness, after 4 years of rejecting her 'husband' , she refocused on him, viewed me as a threat and I had to go. Why? Because he and I shared a chemistry that they didn't, and hadn't in a very long time.

For the next 2 years , she made things so unbearable at home , he finally started to give in. And it has been a very sad , messy , hostile , excruciatingly painful split. Why? Because neither him nor I wanted that split to happen. But choosing me over her due to the forced veto wasn't an option as she is ill and can't support herself. Yes, he loves her also, but he really had no choice. I would never have made him choose. But she has. He begged me to have patience. He loved my devotion and persistence. He swore to me that he wouldn't allow her weakness and hate come between us. But her weakness was her strength.

They call Secondaries who pull such stunts Cowgirls. What do they call the Primary who purposely sabotages the outside relationship because she feels like it? Entitled. Privileged. I have a few choice other labels that I'll refrain from listing here.

She didn't demand they close the relationship. No. Just closed to me. Essentially offering up any other woman but me. Which felt cheap , like he was being pimped out , like an object. It's just sex after all. Who cares about emotion or love? She offered up the list of ex Gf's that she had befriended as consolation when she knew that he and I had an exclusivity arrangement.

In her eyes, us Secondaries are worthless and not entitled to emotion or love. She referred to me as a "pest to be fumigated, exterminated from their lives". She sent me hate mail after my mother passed away, for fear that he just might care enough about me to want to be there for me. She demanded a break at such a difficult, heartbreaking time.

She highlighted his weakness. Revoked his right to chose. He became very deceitful. The more that I knew he was misleading her, ommitting information, truth, the more that I knew he was also doing the same to me. He didn't want to lose me. He was in love with me. He desired me. Yes, he loved her but not in the same way, more of a caregiver, protector because of her illness, the passion was gone, as he told me many times. He demanded I remove a blog that I was keeping to work through my own thoughts and feelings with those in a similar situation because she had snooped and found it and was upset by what she read and how it made her look like a bad person. She cried and sobbed that she was a bad person. But did she change? Hell no. She got worse. All a manipulative game. She read all of our emails. She creeped me on Facebook through his profile as I had blocked her on my own. She read his texts, obsessed over our photos. She accused me of things that were 100% tranference of the things that she was doing to me.

She wanted me out of sight, out of mind. The games became ridiculous. The lies were building. Even though I'd come to truely hate her for what she demanded of me, I felt sorry for her, to be that naive and pathetic to believe all of the lies that he was feeding her to avoid meltdowns akin to a sugar crashing 3 year old, at home. She had wanted to be viewed as a strong woman yet acted with no accountability, no responsibility, no truth or reality in her behaviours. And he refused to hold her responsible , his "poor sick girl".

And I felt violated as I foolishly believed him when he told me that I was the perfect woman for him. Maybe I was. But his circumstances at home with the tantruming girl who lied and said that her life was now at risk due to the stress that we were putting her through, made he and I impossible. He grew weary. He called her an electric fence , shocking him so hard when he wanted to see me that he started to dread the outcome and conceded to life apart. He negotiated and she constantly changed the rules.

She ruled him with an iron fist wrapped in silk.

I hurt so bad over this. But I will survive and thrive. :) I'm resentful because this stress that she needlessly caused did affect my health and it did affect my focus on my job and with my children, the very things that were the reason for me to enter into such a relationship, the ease, the comfort of a great relationship without the expectation that it become more but not just being about sex but having a friend and a lover and a partner to help with a couple of things once in awhile. Her issues bled into my life , affected my world and I grew to hate her for it. How dare she treat me like I was some worthless nobody? I had to get up every day with this heart sick pain and weight in my chest that would never leave me to focus on my very demanding career and 2 young children who needed a happy mother. When she had to get up and decide which yoga class she was attending and what juice to have with her breakfast. He took care of the rest for her, while she sat around and obsessed that he fucked me better than he fucked her.

To me , sex was irrelevant. I mourned the loss of my friend while she mourned the loss of a sex life she abandoned 4 years prior.

Between those things and the violent force she commanded to dump and hurt someone he loved and loved him, the forced inhumane treatment he had to give me to please her, he will resent her forever. He will never admit to that to her, she's too fragile to accept that responsibility. But that's ok. He's admitted it to me. And we ALL know it in our hearts. Thats what gives me comfort.

Take comfort that you deserve better. And you will find it.

My apologies for the long post but I felt you might appreciate hearing what could have happened if this went on longer than it did.
 
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link request

He demanded I remove a blog that I was keeping to work through my own thoughts and feelings with those in a similar situation.

I really hope you didn't remove your blog, I would be interested in reading it.
I could've written your post here myself. but that's a story for another time. Going threw this situation right now, I ending the relationship last September but still not over the hurt among other things.
Share the link to your blog please if you still have it.
thanks for sharing your experience
 
I really hope you didn't remove your blog, I would be interested in reading it.
I could've written your post here myself. but that's a story for another time. Going threw this situation right now, I ending the relationship last September but still not over the hurt among other things.
Share the link to your blog please if you still have it.
thanks for sharing your experience

Hi there. Thanks. But he put a gag order on me and forced me to delete it to spare her (and ultimately him) more misery. I've regretted that since I did it. Why should I care that they hurt or "look bad". It was my story to write and if they wanted a different story , they should have acted differently. I was the only one who was truthful and he didn't want her to read our truth , it hurt her too much. And it contradicted things he was telling her to keep the peace.

I am going to start a new blog. When I do , I'll post the link.

The Almighty Primary wanted me to just vanish , poof , into thin air with her demand of my exile. But I'm done licking her boots. And where has my goodwill gotten me anyways but deceived and shafted?

So much for honesty being the foundation for these relationships. Sigh.

Always remember , don't negotiate with a terrorist. :)

I'm sorry to hear that you went through a similar thing. From this thread alone , I believe there are many of us out here suffering in silence. That's what we are expected to do, right? Vanish. Take what we're given and appreciate it. Nod and smile. Speak only when spoken to and come only when called and be a good little mistress , until WE are done with you. Then disposed. NEXT!

I feel for you and am certain the scars I've gotten will last a long time on me as well.
 
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Thanks for that post newtoday, it's really well-written and describes all too well the pain you were put through as you were ousted by "the jealous primary." The type of thing you endured is probably one of the biggest problems involved with polyamory today.
 
So much for honesty being the foundation for these relationships. Sigh.

...From this thread alone , I believe there are many of us out here suffering in silence. That's what we are expected to do, right? Vanish. Take what we're given and appreciate it. Nod and smile. Speak only when spoken to and come only when called and be a good little mistress , until WE are done with you. Then disposed. NEXT!

I feel for you and am certain the scars I've gotten will last a long time on me as well.


Agreeing with the comment on honesty. As I said, BF and his wife were old hands at open marriage, but it turns out "This relationship can be anything you want it to be! That's the beauty of polyamory!" was not even remotely true, for the simple fact that trying to have a second relationship is obviously going to impact the first one. His wife didn't really like being impacted. I have my doubts either of them thought it through. It didn't occur to him to tell me she had access to all his accounts and therefore my 'private' conversations with him might be read by her at any time. The total lack of thought to tell me this gave me an unpleasant look into his mindset, despite what he aspired to be (i.e.: someone who could give fair and equal relationships to two different people.)

But he would have been shocked and horrified if I'd suggested he give me passwords or copies of his private conversations with her. Despite his ideals, despite his emotions and feelings for me, which I never doubted, he simply did not put me or our relationship on the same level of 'real' and 'respect' that he gave her. I was the fantasy, the escape.

When it accidentally came out and I objected, his solution was to set up an e-mail and not tell his wife about it. I have always wondered how solid their relationship really is if he can't tell her upfront, "You won't have access to this account because she deserves privacy as much as you do." Or maybe at issue is her character if he thought she'd actually object to extending the same privacy to me that she herself enjoyed.

As to the rest, here's the very best writing I've ever seen on this. To me, it totally sums it up:
"But primary/secondary structures tend to leave a special kind of emotional wreckage. While I freely admit that it is often a mutually beneficial model for all involved, there is a hidden trap. Because sometimes we walk into this structure, with heart in hand, and sometimes our partner meets us there. And then the structure becomes a maze of slamming doors and booby traps. When your partner meets you with real intimacy and love within an externally enforced and non-negotiable framework of limitations, the emotional experience of the relationship is of being simultaneously pulled in and violently shoved out. The cognitive dissonance is even worse. Self-advocacy is often interpreted as homewrecking, and disruptions to the status quo are seen as a hostile act. Remember, you signed up for this, you’re breaking the contract, you’re the bad guy. But don’t be cruel and break his heart, don’t be disruptive and speak for your own. just… just want something else, feel something else, BE SOMEONE ELSE.

So, there is a special place, at the bottom of all of that, where you realize that the only truly “right” thing you can do is just… find a way to disappear. But not with an explosion (you drama queen). Just find a way to disappear quietly so that no one notices. Do the right thing and just…go away."
 
That is the most perfectly accurate bit of description I've ever seen about this situation. Thank you, WhatHappened, for sharing that.
 
But he put a gag order on me and forced me to delete it to spare her (and ultimately him) more misery. I've regretted that since I did it. Why should I care that they hurt or "look bad". It was my story to write and if they wanted a different story , they should have acted differently.

The Internet has a long memory, and many things that were once out there are never truly deleted... try the Internet Archive's Wayback Machine - I can still dig up old copies of my mid-'90s website. :)

Sorry you dealt with this. Your story *is* yours, and I hope you can share it with others again.
 
The Internet has a long memory, and many things that were once out there are never truly deleted... try the Internet Archive's Wayback Machine - I can still dig up old copies of my mid-'90s website. :)

Sorry you dealt with this. Your story *is* yours, and I hope you can share it with others again.

Thanks YouAreHere but it's not there. That's ok. I'm going to restart my blog and tell my story from beginning to end. People need to read about how a Primary Jealous Insecure S/O can be so manipulative and deceptive, posing as a Saint, one who puts an expiry date on Secondary relationships when she fears her partner is too in love.

I will tell it. People need to hear it to watch out for the obvious signs. Perhaps unwitting men could read it so that they aren't so snowed. Perhaps other secondaries who were constant and consistent in their intentions could read it to identify when they are being unfairly railroaded into disposal.

My former bf and his partner will hate my story. But they should have behaved differently if they wanted a different story.

My story is actually pretty horrific. The way that I was treated by this pair of experienced poly/open people was horrendous and people should be warned of the signs.
 
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This happened to me a couple of days ago

My girlfriend broke up with me because her ex said he would moved back in and marry her but he did not do those things. Now she depressed because I won't take her back.
 
It happened to me about four years ago, there was tension (not much but some) between my husband and my other and my other decided he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

However a year later we started chatting again and fell back into affectionate ways and it was easier second time around. We had all been friends for a really long time though and so whatever the change in relationship status, him leaving my life for good was not on the cards iykwim.
 
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