Op, I've been 'victim' to the jealous primary as well. And it isn't fun. For two years, she made my life and my boyfriend's life pure hell.
I'm going to share my story. It's the worst case scenario but it's very realistic.
She is weak in mind , body , integrity , self esteem and used all of those things combined to gain strength and force to end our then 2 year relationship when her own polyamorous relationship ended with her lover. Suddenly fearing nobody else would want her now , with an illness, after 4 years of rejecting her 'husband' , she refocused on him, viewed me as a threat and I had to go. Why? Because he and I shared a chemistry that they didn't, and hadn't in a very long time.
For the next 2 years , she made things so unbearable at home , he finally started to give in. And it has been a very sad , messy , hostile , excruciatingly painful split. Why? Because neither him nor I wanted that split to happen. But choosing me over her due to the forced veto wasn't an option as she is ill and can't support herself. Yes, he loves her also, but he really had no choice. I would never have made him choose. But she has. He begged me to have patience. He loved my devotion and persistence. He swore to me that he wouldn't allow her weakness and hate come between us. But her weakness was her strength.
They call Secondaries who pull such stunts Cowgirls. What do they call the Primary who purposely sabotages the outside relationship because she feels like it? Entitled. Privileged. I have a few choice other labels that I'll refrain from listing here.
She didn't demand they close the relationship. No. Just closed to me. Essentially offering up any other woman but me. Which felt cheap , like he was being pimped out , like an object. It's just sex after all. Who cares about emotion or love? She offered up the list of ex Gf's that she had befriended as consolation when she knew that he and I had an exclusivity arrangement.
In her eyes, us Secondaries are worthless and not entitled to emotion or love. She referred to me as a "pest to be fumigated, exterminated from their lives". She sent me hate mail after my mother passed away, for fear that he just might care enough about me to want to be there for me. She demanded a break at such a difficult, heartbreaking time.
She highlighted his weakness. Revoked his right to chose. He became very deceitful. The more that I knew he was misleading her, ommitting information, truth, the more that I knew he was also doing the same to me. He didn't want to lose me. He was in love with me. He desired me. Yes, he loved her but not in the same way, more of a caregiver, protector because of her illness, the passion was gone, as he told me many times. He demanded I remove a blog that I was keeping to work through my own thoughts and feelings with those in a similar situation because she had snooped and found it and was upset by what she read and how it made her look like a bad person. She cried and sobbed that she was a bad person. But did she change? Hell no. She got worse. All a manipulative game. She read all of our emails. She creeped me on Facebook through his profile as I had blocked her on my own. She read his texts, obsessed over our photos. She accused me of things that were 100% tranference of the things that she was doing to me.
She wanted me out of sight, out of mind. The games became ridiculous. The lies were building. Even though I'd come to truely hate her for what she demanded of me, I felt sorry for her, to be that naive and pathetic to believe all of the lies that he was feeding her to avoid meltdowns akin to a sugar crashing 3 year old, at home. She had wanted to be viewed as a strong woman yet acted with no accountability, no responsibility, no truth or reality in her behaviours. And he refused to hold her responsible , his "poor sick girl".
And I felt violated as I foolishly believed him when he told me that I was the perfect woman for him. Maybe I was. But his circumstances at home with the tantruming girl who lied and said that her life was now at risk due to the stress that we were putting her through, made he and I impossible. He grew weary. He called her an electric fence , shocking him so hard when he wanted to see me that he started to dread the outcome and conceded to life apart. He negotiated and she constantly changed the rules.
She ruled him with an iron fist wrapped in silk.
I hurt so bad over this. But I will survive and thrive.
I'm resentful because this stress that she needlessly caused did affect my health and it did affect my focus on my job and with my children, the very things that were the reason for me to enter into such a relationship, the ease, the comfort of a great relationship without the expectation that it become more but not just being about sex but having a friend and a lover and a partner to help with a couple of things once in awhile. Her issues bled into my life , affected my world and I grew to hate her for it. How dare she treat me like I was some worthless nobody? I had to get up every day with this heart sick pain and weight in my chest that would never leave me to focus on my very demanding career and 2 young children who needed a happy mother. When she had to get up and decide which yoga class she was attending and what juice to have with her breakfast. He took care of the rest for her, while she sat around and obsessed that he fucked me better than he fucked her.
To me , sex was irrelevant. I mourned the loss of my friend while she mourned the loss of a sex life she abandoned 4 years prior.
Between those things and the violent force she commanded to dump and hurt someone he loved and loved him, the forced inhumane treatment he had to give me to please her, he will resent her forever. He will never admit to that to her, she's too fragile to accept that responsibility. But that's ok. He's admitted it to me. And we ALL know it in our hearts. Thats what gives me comfort.
Take comfort that you deserve better. And you will find it.
My apologies for the long post but I felt you might appreciate hearing what could have happened if this went on longer than it did.