Flirting with Monos

DaCoda

New member
I live in an area where poly is not that popular. That being said I have recently decided with to become poly and have a finacee about an hour away. Since most of the women here are religious, and possibly all of the women here are monos I wind up flirting with mono girls. I mean, I don't seek them out, but if I like a girl I'm going to probably not jump right to asking her how she feels about monogamy. My fiancee has a similar problem. A guy she has been in a state of mutual like with for our five year monogamy has become offended that instead of wanting him in a mono relationship she wants him in a poly lifestyle.

I find that they then wind up learning that I have a finacee and either, thinking I'm trying to cheat, or thinking I'm just an overly flirty guy that means well.

What are some expiriences you have had with enjoying a person and not being able to further you relationship because they were not happy with the idea of poly?

Do you find it best to just avoid obviously mono people? Does this not drastically reduce the pool of potental friends?

Have you ever expirienced any conversions, where you met someone, explained your lifestle, and they said "sign me up" and things went great?

I'm sorry if this has been posted previously. I had seen all sorts of similar stuff, but nothing on this specifically.

Cheers
 
I don't meet people who don't find out I am poly before the topic of interest in one another crops up because I am very vocal about my family; which includea husband, bf, kids, grandkids.
There isn't a large community of polys here, and we live in the "Bible belt" of our state.
However- I see no point in deluding myself or someone else abou who I am and what to expect of me. Maybe that was part and parcel of being the black sheep of the family my whole life. I dont know. But it seems like a complete waste of my time to even consider someone unless they know who I am and accept me for who I am.
I had enough headaches and drama to get to the point in my life where I can freely be me. I don't intend to recerse back into the closet.
 
That is a wonderful place to be in your life, to be able to live that honestly. I live between two cities, one larger and more liberal than then other. In Florence, AL all my friends and any girls I meet know I'm newly poly. However, Double Springs is tiny. The largest building is the church. My family lives here and I live with them, including adolescent brothers, for free. So, I am not rocking the boat by coming out as poly. They would just call it a "phase" anyways. This happens to also be the community I hope to open a business in within a year. It is why I moved here. I can't afford to be blackballed in the first city I go into business in. So, when talking to DS girls I keep it quiet. I wouldn't even seek out a local girl, but a couple have caught my eye. I mean. I'm fine with friendship. I'm not less interested in a woman because I can't sleep with her. It is just an ironic time in my life to beembrace my new lifestyle choice.


It kinda sucks. I just had a great phone conversation with a wonderful woman. I'm hoping to at least be friends, but I can't enjoy the post connection jittets of a new relationship potential because I have this worry that she will not even be friendly. I did make the decision of tactfilly mentioning my fiancée so that I can not be conceived as miss leading her.
 
I find that they then wind up learning that I have a finacee and either, thinking I'm trying to cheat, or thinking I'm just an overly flirty guy that means well.

What are some expiriences you have had with enjoying a person and not being able to further you relationship because they were not happy with the idea of poly?

Do you find it best to just avoid obviously mono people? Does this not drastically reduce the pool of potential friends?

Well, you probably want to avoid mono people for dating. It can work, but it never seems to be worth the trouble, from my outsider's perspective. So of course that reduces your pool of potential partners.

However, there seems to be some contradiction in your question. If you really are just looking at monos as potential friends, doesn't that make "just an overly flirty guy that means well" a fairly accurate description?

If you're enjoying a person, then just enjoy them without putting expectations on how the relationship will develop. However, if you're not enjoying "just friends" then perhaps look into a different dating pool.
 
I meant to reply to your post on the Alabama post earlier and forgot. My memory is not my strong point. lol

Alabama can be a tough state for anyone outside the norm. The whole darn place is the Bible Belt. I've lived here all my life and just accept it as it is. I'm in the closet as far as work is concerned and will stay that way. I'm a remote employee, so it's a lot easier than it would normally be. Leo is very outgoing and open about everything in the world so between that and wanting to keep my friends from trying to run him over if they see him with another woman, I'm out in my community. It's not always easy. He's the one actively dating and a lot of women think he's cheating. He actively encourages his interests to talk to me to keep everything above board. Small towns are even more difficult. If you don't intend on dating locally, I suggest saving flirting with local women until they know you well and know it's all in good fun. Unless you plan to open a tattoo parlor, it will make life as a business owner a lot easier to keep a good reputation in the local community.
 
I pursued sam knowing he was monogamous. I figured he's either going to be open-minded and Willing to be with me or not. I won't be a secondary to someone or enter a triad with a couple so monogamous people is really my only option.
 
I won't be a secondary to someone or enter a triad with a couple so monogamous people is really my only option.

Only option? How about people who have other partners but don't view relationships hierarchically or single people who are open to multiple partners?

Personally I don't want to date mono people. Although I have never been in a situation where I was interested in someone mono who would still be interested in me knowing I'm poly, so I guess never say never.. But I prefer people who have similar values/worldview than me and I consider this poly/mono thing to be quite a big deal. I've never even been on a date with anyone who identifies as mono after I started identifying as poly. I meet people mainly at poly meetups/events/parties and through OKC (although I haven't met any of my current or past partners through OKC, just been on a few dates).
 
Well if its a poly person who doesn't have a live in partner and doesn't plan on moving someone else in that would be an option. I won't date people who have live in partners or children.
 
Another Alabamian chiming in here. Yes, Alabama is tough for poly-talk socially, but it's not impossible.

There was recently a thread about how to advertise one's self on dating sites. I'd read that if I were you because there are a range of opinions that tie into this one.

You'd be surprised how many mono people in Alabama (at least where I am in "the big city" ha ha) can wrap their heads around it if you explain it to them. Some say you should explain it in your dating profile, but I disagree. I think explaining in person can work wonders to get past that poly stigma barrier.

Speaking of dating sites...are you using any dating apps? Like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, or DateHookup? Generally if you do get a back and forth going on there, the under 35 year olds using these apps can handle a conversation about polyamory pretty well.

That's just my quick and dirty advice.
 
I successfully "dated" a monogamous girl once. We met at the climbing gym and just started hanging out platonically. Eventually the idea of other partners came up and she was like "I'm engaged but I like you! I don't want to stop hanging out!" and I was like "Well, if you want to take this further, I'm open to being poly" and that was my first official, discussed poly relationship.

She talked with her fiancé about it and he agreed that she could do whatever as long as it was healthy and safe.

Now, that was not deliberate at all - it was purely happenstance and natural progression. I also did not have another partner at the time.
 
I think most people (in certain age brackets or demographics, anyway) started out in mono relationships and discovered poly afterward, so I see nothiing wrong in letting your interest in a momogamous person be known.

that's pretty true. most of the people Nate dates were mono and i had quite a few mono men message me on okcupid that they were interested in me. i think it's a good deal for people who want to comfort of a relationship without doing all the heavy lifting. perfect for people who travel a lot
 
Well if its a poly person who doesn't have a live in partner and doesn't plan on moving someone else in that would be an option. I won't date people who have live in partners or children.

Well that is hypocritical since YOU have a husband AND children at home but yet expect people to date you.
 
I am in a successful relationship with a mono man. We Have been together 2 years and going very strong.
 
Well that is hypocritical since YOU have a husband AND children at home but yet expect people to date you.

Why is it hypocritical? It's just her preference. Perhaps she has enough on her plate with her own children and wants her other relationship(s) to be a kind of "vacation" from the kind of life she leads as wife and mommy. Certainly it's just easier to schedule time with someone who isn't partnered with kids. And maybe she doesn't "expect" anyone to date her but simply leaves the option open and hopes it will happen. We don't need to have all our partners to have identical lives.
 
Well that is hypocritical since YOU have a husband AND children at home but yet expect people to date you.

Asymmetrical and hypocritical are not the same thing. I'm a straight female, I will not date females, but I expect whoever I date to be attracted to females and willing to date them - which I am not. Am I hypocritical? If so, all straight people are.

If her partners are also fine with that preference, then it's fine. Situations don't have to be symmetrical to be fair. While I don't share her preference, she's entitled to it as long as she's clear about it.
 
Why is it hypocritical? It's just her preference... We don't need to have all our partners to have identical lives.

Asymmetrical and hypocritical are not the same thing... While I don't share her preference, she's entitled to it as long as she's clear about it.

You're both absolutely correct of course, but in defense of Dag, I think it's possible to read a bit of "tone" in the way it was written. Of course that's a complete guess and assumption which is dangerous to do over the internet, but I can see where the thought came from. ;)
 
Well that is hypocritical since YOU have a husband AND children at home but yet expect people to date you.

Thats fine. I would not judge someone who didn't want to date me because of that. I generally can't host so going to someone else's house is necessary. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to someone elses house if they had kids and a partner living there.

Basically someone who didn't maintain their own residence wouldn't be able to meet my needs so that ia why I prefer men who have never been married or have kids

And honestly dealing with a metamore is not something im interested in.
 
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Only option? How about people who have other partners but don't view relationships hierarchically or single people who are open to multiple partners?

My partner has two primaries, and I fully intend on having at least two primary relationships in my life. I only date "secondaries" with the potential to become "primary" relationships.

So, yep, there are absolutely options ;)
 
FYI-
I didn't say I wouldn't date someone who was mono. That would be absurd since my boyfriend of 21 years-is mono.

BUT-I don't allow myself to get into a situation where there is someone who has the potential for being a potential partner-that doesn't know I am poly. They have to know I am poly and I have two partners who aren't going anywhere-or they are never ever going to be an option.

( I also won't date someone who has kids at home still )
 
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