Hello everyone,
So, Hinge and I had our first conflict this week (it's our first anniversary in a fortnight). Things have been really good - we've been seeing each other 4-5 times a week, lots of affection, intimacy, laughing. Our conflict stemmed not from him being poly, but because he lied to me. I am confused because I really thought the point of poly was not having to lie. I am mono; but I have educated myself, used this forum and others to work through issues using the wonderful advice I have received here, I haven't bothered him and his husband when they've been together, I've tried to be generous and compersive. But sometimes people still feel like they have to lie to you, and it sucks.
I have to take my son to Europe for visitation with his father for six weeks this summer. After I drop him off, I am moving on to another country to run a program and do some research, then back to get my son and home to the US for the rest of the summer. Hinge has a four-week gig in Italy in the middle of the summer. When he got the gig, I was ecstatic as I knew I could come and spend time with him before picking up my son. About a month ago I asked for specific dates that would work for me coming to Italy. He replied "Visitors aren't allowed." I said, "Really? That seems harsh." He said, "I know. But nobody is coming to visit." I was surprised, because I had assumed that his husband was going with him, but I accepted what he had said and began working out dates and routes for the first week of July to meet in Prague or Vienna instead.
On Wednesday he made me dinner and I brought up summer plans as I'll have to get my plane tickets soon. He was being weirdly cagey, in a way that he has not been for months. I looked at him across the table and said "Is Mike [his husband] going with you to Italy?" There was a pause and then he said "Yes." I said, "You lied to me. Why?" He said he hadn't wanted to hurt me. I said that I had understood that the point of polyamory was that you tell everyone the truth so that they can make decisions about what was best for them. He said he had been trying to negotiate with Mike for a weekend in which he could be away from the place in Italy they will be at in order to see me, and would have presented me with that as an option once it was decided. I pointed out that no matter how well-intentioned he had been, he had still withheld information from me that I would have liked to know. Then I started to cry, because this wonderful man who had made a point of explaining that he lived his life on the principle of honestly and truthfulness, had turned out to be no better than the cheating monogamous boyfriends I had had in the past.
He was apologetic and kept saying that he hadn't wanted to hurt me by making me feel like I was "second" - spouses are allowed to go, "visitors" are not. I said I knew exactly what I was - a secondary - but I had rights too, and keeping this information from me was putting me in my place in a way I had never expected from him. He said he had never wanted to use that term with me because it would be hurtful. I said being lied to was more hurtful that acknowledging what I was, and that I had no problem stating here and in other places that I am his secondary. He was surprised that I knew the term. I then proceeded to tell HIM that secondaries have rights, and one of them is to know information that affects them. I offered to send him the secondaries' bill of rights from Poly101.
Like all conflicts, this one brought up issues that needed to be addressed. I had the opportunity to ask him if he saw me as permanently being secondary, or whether co-primary status was possible in the future. He said yes, absolutely. He said he didn't want to lose me, but he was worried that I wouldn't be happy in this situation forever because it was inherently unfair to me. [His previous girlfriend had made him choose between her and his now husband; he wouldn't, and she left. She also had a DADT policy in place regarding his other relationship. I, on the other hand, would like to know my metamour and be involved in planning, especially the schedule.]
He said he wanted us both. I said I would never ask him to leave his husband. But I expected him never to lie to me. He promised he wouldn't, ever again. He said he really appreciated how I had embraced who he was, and how I think of Mike's feelings (for example, I said that leaving Mike alone in Italy to go and see me for a weekend was not cool). He asked me to come and visit him for a week before he goes to Italy, when he is in another country and Mike is back in the US. Then when we went to bed, he initiated fluid bonding for the first time.
Sometimes you have to be really uncomfortable in order to provoke a move to an ultimately better place.
So, Hinge and I had our first conflict this week (it's our first anniversary in a fortnight). Things have been really good - we've been seeing each other 4-5 times a week, lots of affection, intimacy, laughing. Our conflict stemmed not from him being poly, but because he lied to me. I am confused because I really thought the point of poly was not having to lie. I am mono; but I have educated myself, used this forum and others to work through issues using the wonderful advice I have received here, I haven't bothered him and his husband when they've been together, I've tried to be generous and compersive. But sometimes people still feel like they have to lie to you, and it sucks.
I have to take my son to Europe for visitation with his father for six weeks this summer. After I drop him off, I am moving on to another country to run a program and do some research, then back to get my son and home to the US for the rest of the summer. Hinge has a four-week gig in Italy in the middle of the summer. When he got the gig, I was ecstatic as I knew I could come and spend time with him before picking up my son. About a month ago I asked for specific dates that would work for me coming to Italy. He replied "Visitors aren't allowed." I said, "Really? That seems harsh." He said, "I know. But nobody is coming to visit." I was surprised, because I had assumed that his husband was going with him, but I accepted what he had said and began working out dates and routes for the first week of July to meet in Prague or Vienna instead.
On Wednesday he made me dinner and I brought up summer plans as I'll have to get my plane tickets soon. He was being weirdly cagey, in a way that he has not been for months. I looked at him across the table and said "Is Mike [his husband] going with you to Italy?" There was a pause and then he said "Yes." I said, "You lied to me. Why?" He said he hadn't wanted to hurt me. I said that I had understood that the point of polyamory was that you tell everyone the truth so that they can make decisions about what was best for them. He said he had been trying to negotiate with Mike for a weekend in which he could be away from the place in Italy they will be at in order to see me, and would have presented me with that as an option once it was decided. I pointed out that no matter how well-intentioned he had been, he had still withheld information from me that I would have liked to know. Then I started to cry, because this wonderful man who had made a point of explaining that he lived his life on the principle of honestly and truthfulness, had turned out to be no better than the cheating monogamous boyfriends I had had in the past.
He was apologetic and kept saying that he hadn't wanted to hurt me by making me feel like I was "second" - spouses are allowed to go, "visitors" are not. I said I knew exactly what I was - a secondary - but I had rights too, and keeping this information from me was putting me in my place in a way I had never expected from him. He said he had never wanted to use that term with me because it would be hurtful. I said being lied to was more hurtful that acknowledging what I was, and that I had no problem stating here and in other places that I am his secondary. He was surprised that I knew the term. I then proceeded to tell HIM that secondaries have rights, and one of them is to know information that affects them. I offered to send him the secondaries' bill of rights from Poly101.
Like all conflicts, this one brought up issues that needed to be addressed. I had the opportunity to ask him if he saw me as permanently being secondary, or whether co-primary status was possible in the future. He said yes, absolutely. He said he didn't want to lose me, but he was worried that I wouldn't be happy in this situation forever because it was inherently unfair to me. [His previous girlfriend had made him choose between her and his now husband; he wouldn't, and she left. She also had a DADT policy in place regarding his other relationship. I, on the other hand, would like to know my metamour and be involved in planning, especially the schedule.]
He said he wanted us both. I said I would never ask him to leave his husband. But I expected him never to lie to me. He promised he wouldn't, ever again. He said he really appreciated how I had embraced who he was, and how I think of Mike's feelings (for example, I said that leaving Mike alone in Italy to go and see me for a weekend was not cool). He asked me to come and visit him for a week before he goes to Italy, when he is in another country and Mike is back in the US. Then when we went to bed, he initiated fluid bonding for the first time.
Sometimes you have to be really uncomfortable in order to provoke a move to an ultimately better place.